-Theo-

Saturday morning came with sunshine and singing birds. I woke up smiling, as cheesy as it sounds, and it felt like nothing could take my good mood away, not even the dark, angry cloud on my floor.

Deon, as usual, had a bad hangover.

"How can you get such a bad hangover after a few beers," I chuckled when I heard dramatic growling under the covers.

"Shut up," Deon muttered grumpily. "You are so fucking loud."

No, I wasn't. He just had a really bad headache. I sighed and searched for the painkillers I had stored in one of the drawers of my nightstand.

"I'll go get you some water," I said as quietly as I could.

"Shut up already..." Deon hissed, but his voice didn't have any strength in it.

I shook my head in amusement. Deon dug his head deeper under his pillow and pulled the blanket over his head, while I went to get some water for him.

Once I reached the bottom of the stairs, I instinctively looked on my right towards the living room. I couldn't see dad anywhere, but Allen was there, lurking at the other end of the living room, playing video games right in front of the old TV. I ignored him and stepped into our kitchen. I walked to the fridge to get a bottle of water for Deon, but then I heard noises behind me.

"Having fun?"

I turned around to see my brother at the kitchen door. I felt a nervous jolt going through my body, and I glanced at the stairs behind Allen. I guess I was hoping to see Deon, or at least my dad standing there. Allen wouldn't dare to do anything to me when our dad was present – that was the only good thing about him.

"I'm curious," Allen spoke slowly and stepped closer to me. "Is he fucking you, or is it the other way around?"

I stepped backwards, knowing painfully well that I didn't have any place to run from him in our small kitchen, except the door to the utility room, which was right next to me. I kept my eyes on Allen, who took another step closer to me.

"You should do us all a favor and just kill yourself," Allen said with a low voice. "This world would be a much better place without you in it. You were never meant to be born. Mom didn't want you. She tried to abort you. Maybe she knew what kind of disgusting rat you would become."

"What...?" I whispered, and the first set of tears leaked down on my face. "No – she loved me..."

"Did she? Perhaps she gave up the fight against her cancer because she wanted so badly to get away from you? Maybe she would still be alive, if it wasn't for you," Allen said, and stopped only a few steps away from me. "I know she hated you. I know she wanted to kill you. She knew what kind of maggot you would become."

"That's enough!" I heard Deon's angry voice coming from the entrance of the kitchen. "You are a fucking sick person, you know that?" he growled at Allen.

I hugged myself, trying to stay calm, but it was impossible. My mom... hated me?

Allen chuckled. "Theo's the sick one here, not me. If I were you, I would stay away from him."

"Get the fuck away from him or I will fucking break your neck!" Deon raised his voice and stepped closer to Allen with a furious look on his face.

"Don't worry," Allen said and turned to look at me again. "I don't want to be anywhere near this disgusting piece of shit."

I turned to look at the floor. I couldn't see anything behind my tears. I heard Allen exiting the room and leaving the house, closing the front door after him. The silence filled the room, but soon enough, I could sense light footsteps approaching. I saw two big, bare feet stopping right in front of me.

"Don't listen to him," Deon said with a surprisingly gentle voice while placing his hand on my shoulder. "He's just a fucking sick bastard."

"What if he's right? What if my mom... hated...?" I trailed off. I couldn't say it out loud.

"That's fucking nonsense! Who could possibly hate you?" he asked, and I laughed humorlessly. "Shit..." he hissed to himself. "There's no way your mom could've hated you."

"Why not? My dad hates me too. Everyone hates me, so why would she have been any different?" I asked and pushed him away.

"Theo..." he sighed and tried to grab my hand, but I shook him off.

"I think you should go now," I said with a monotone voice.

"Hell no," Deon said harshly. "I'm staying."

"No, you're not," I told him angrily, facing him, even though I knew how pathetic I looked with my watery eyes. "I don't want you here!"

"Don't yell at me!" Deon hissed. "I'm staying!"

"You are a fucking jerk, you know that?" I spat at him and rushed out of the kitchen.

I ran upstairs and into my room, slamming the door shut, locking it behind me. I sat down on my bed and hid my face behind my hands, just before breaking into huge, devastating sobs.

I had forgotten that I wasn't supposed to be happy. I wasn't supposed to smile or laugh, and I definitely didn't deserve to be cared for or loved. Allen had reminded me of that. He'd made sure I couldn't be happy, even for a second.

"Theo, open the door," I heard Deon's voice from the hallway.

"Go away," I sniffed, knowing he couldn't hear me.

"Theo?"

I pulled my legs against my chest and wrapped my left arm around them, while my right hand found its way up to my hair and I started plucking thin strands off my head. Every time I heard my hair tearing off my scalp, it soothed me, and I welcomed the pain with open arms. Pain was all I deserved.

"Just go away..." I whispered between my sobs.

Hated. Everyone hated me. My dad hated me, Allen hated me, everyone at school hated me, all my relatives hated me. Deon most definitely hated me, that was why he didn't want to be friends with me. Even Beau hated to be seen with me. Maybe he hated me too, and our relationship was just a horrible prank. Of course my mom had hated me too. She had wanted to abort me. She never wanted me.

No one wanted me, they all just hated me.

I got up on my feet and sat down next to my desk. I found my black notebook and started writing, ignoring Deon completely. He was calling my name and knocked on the door a couple of times, but I paid no attention to him until I was done writing the word 'hated' dozens of times in my notebook.

When I was done, my cheeks were dry, and all that was left was the burning sensation in my eyes, and stinging pain in my head. My heart and soul felt empty when I put the notebook back in my bag and stood up.

"Finally..." Deon muttered after I opened the door for him.

I turned my back on him and walked to my bed, sitting down on the edge of it. Deon followed me and gave me a worried look when I looked up at him.

"That brother of yours is full of shit, you know that, right?" he asked. "He was lying about your mom."

"You don't know that," I said quietly.

"Don't let him get to you like that," Deon continued, ignoring my words completely. "He's just trying to mess with your head."

"I need to get ready," I said, ignoring his words in return. "I'm supposed to see Beau today," I added and got up from my bed.

"Are you sure you're all right?" Deon asked.

"I'm fine," I lied. "You can go now."

"If you are sure..." he said and started gathering his stuff. "Call me if you need anything."

I nodded and watched him reluctantly leave my room, and soon I heard the front door being opened and closed downstairs. I walked into my bathroom and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I didn't see anything good in me anymore.

"You really should die already," I told my reflection, before washing my face and getting ready to meet Beau.

*****

An hour later, I was walking towards Beau's home. There was a small park with a tiny pond in their neighborhood, and I was supposed to meet Beau there. It was an almost thirty-minute walk to our meeting place, but I needed some time to think, so I didn't mind. I didn't even mind the fact that Beau hadn't even suggested coming to pick me up – he thought it would look suspicious if he were seen in my neighborhood too often – I was too empty to care.

All I could think of was my mom. I had always thought that she had loved me unconditionally, but had it been just another lie? Was it true that she never wanted me in her life? Had she hated me so much that she didn't even try to fight against her cancer? I didn't even notice how my pace grew slower, when my tears started flowing down my cheeks again.

"Mom..." I whispered under my breath.

I wanted to ask her if it was true, but I couldn't even say it out loud. Not that she would answer to me, anyway. I would never be able to hear the truth.

I had to stop for a moment to wipe my tears away, so I could see where I was going. As I continued my way towards the pond, I was biting my lower lip, trying my hardest not to cry. I didn't want Beau to see me with puffy, red eyes. I was ugly enough without crying.

When I reached the park, I continued walking towards the pond. When I got there, I saw Beau's car parked under some trees in the parking lot on the other side. It was early and there weren't many people around. I knew Beau would get angry at me if I didn't make sure no one we knew could see me. I kept my eyes on my surroundings, and when I couldn't see anyone close by, I hurried to the parking lot.

There were a few people getting ready for a picnic, but they were all grown-ups, people I didn't know. When I was sure it was safe, I walked to Beau's white Volkswagen. He smiled at me when I opened the door and after I sat down next to him, he squeezed my knee as a hello. I wished he would've kissed me, but of course he didn't. There were people in the parking lot.

"Let's go see a movie," Beau suggested before I could even say hi.

"Sure," I nodded, and he started the car.

I wasn't surprised to see him heading to the city limits. We were going to the next city, and it was obvious why. Having a date in a movie theater far away from our home was more than convenient for him – it would be too dark for anyone to see or recognize us.

"Are you hungry? That place has a drive-in," Beau said after a while, pointing at a sign of a fast-food restaurant in the distance.

"We could go inside to eat," I suggested carefully. "So we don't mess up your car..." I added hastily when he looked at me.

"Then we won't make it to the movies," he said casually.

I looked shortly at him, but I didn't say anything. I was sure the big theater had plenty of movies going on throughout the day, so we could just pick one that would start next.

"Is there a specific movie you want to see?" I asked, trying not to sound disappointed.

"Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't ask you first. I really want to see it, but I have to be at home by six, since my aunt and her family are coming over for dinner," Beau explained.

"Oh," I replied shortly, feeling embarrassed.

"I told you that yesterday, didn't I?" Beau chuckled and put his hand on my knee again, moving it up and down on my thigh.

His touch was unbelievably good, and I started feeling better already. I did remember him saying something about a family dinner, but I'd been too busy admiring his looks to really pay attention.

We were silent for a moment, but when Beau turned to the parking lot of the restaurant, he asked with a concerned voice, "Is everything all right?"

"I'm fine," I said quietly.

Beau sighed and parked the car. After he turned the engine off, he took a good look at me.

"You are not fine," his voice was tentative. "Is it... because of me?"

"No," I said. "I'm fine, really."

Beau didn't seem to believe me. "I know it's really hard for you to trust me again. And I know I'm being unfair to even ask you to hide this thing between us. I know I'm a mess, and it's hurting you, but I want to be with you," he said with a sad tone in his voice.

"I want to be with you too," I said truthfully. "But it's complicated..."

"I know it is," Beau said quietly, and took my hand in his. "But we can make this work. I will be better and I will do whatever it takes to make you trust me again."

"It's all right. I know this won't be easy," I said, and he looked relieved. "Let's grab something to eat before we'll be late."

A little while later, I was munching my French fries, gazing out of the window. It was a sunny day, but I felt sad and gloomy inside. I still couldn't forget the words Allen had said to me.

"Do you think my mom hated me?" I asked Beau.

"Why would you ask that? She loved you," he said without hesitation.

"Allen said, that–"

"You know better than to listen to anything that dickhead says. I remember your mom, and she loved you," Beau said firmly, not giving me any room for argument.

"Allen said she wanted to abort me," I said quietly, losing my appetite.

"Even if it's true, I bet she regretted ever even thinking about it. Your mom loved you," Beau said. "Don't let Allen get to you."

I stared down at my lap for a while, feeling ridiculous. Knowing what Allen had done to Beau, and how mean he had been to me, I shouldn't have let his words affect me like that.

"I'm glad that you and I are friends again," I told Beau, speaking from my heart.

"More than just friends, hopefully," he said with a smirk that made him look so handsome it almost hurt my eyes.

I put my hand on his knee and smiled at him. Beau smiled back at me and placed his hand on mine, grabbing it gently and intertwining our fingers.

We didn't talk much after that on our way to the neighboring city. We just held hands right until Beau had to concentrate on parking the car near the theater. We got outside and Beau went to get us the tickets and popcorn. I lingered behind, even though it was unlikely for us to run into anyone we knew. I wasn't a big fan of our arrangement, but at least I was able to spend some time with Beau, and that was most important to me.

When the movie started half an hour later, we sat in the back row, side by side, and Beau held my hand the whole time. Sometimes he leaned closer to me, and kissed me gently, making me forget all about the movie. Whenever we were actually watching the movie, his hand sometimes moved on my leg, caressing my thigh teasingly before he grabbed my hand again.

In the end, I didn't remember much about the movie.

I felt happy and sad at the same time when we were driving back home a few hours later. I was happy because of Beau, and sad because he had to go. I knew we still had a lot to work through, but I was willing to do whatever it took to make it work with him. Even if it meant we had to keep us a secret.

After spending the day with Beau, I was feeling strong enough to face my life again. He dropped me off surprisingly close to my home, just a few blocks away, and kissed me after making sure there was no one around to see it. His kiss was long and loving, making me believe I still could find happiness, after all.

When I watched him drive away, I felt lonelier, but I decided to ignore the bad things and feelings, and concentrated on the memories of the wonderful day I'd just had with him.

And I already missed him.