...To procrastinate. Meaning putting something off, postponing or delaying something.

In Ryder's case...watching the tape Skylar made for Hope. Every time he thought about it, he felt nauseous and unable to follow through. He came as far as finding the video camera, considering opening the box next to it. A beautiful pink box, which said Hope on it. But he hadn't opened it yet. His fingers just wouldn't cooperate!

But one night, after Hope fell asleep next to him, he just decided to do it, no more thinking about it. He opened the box, it was filled with cute stuff like a small silver bracelet, it had a note on it. He didn't read the entire card, but it said: For Hope on her fifth birthday. He saw several tapes with numbers up to 10...Skylar made 10 tapes for Hope? He never realized, she must have done some of them while he was doing classes? He figured it was just that one tape, the day she was taken to the hospital...but clearly she had been planning this for quite a while. It made him sad, he finally got it. Skylar had known for longer than she had led on to believe? Maybe she just felt it, a creeping suspicion, intuition? She had that ability.

He found a cute teddy bear, the note on the bear's wrist said...for Hope on her very first birthday. From mommy.

His heart just sank.

That's when he found a blue package.

Blue?

Everything else in the box was pink or red or purple or white, silver or gold...this package was blue?

He was out of breath.

It said: RYDER, on it!

He opened it, his hands shaking, almost unable to remove the wrapping paper. He felt his throat tighten and his jaw clam up.

Everything in him was trembling.

Every limb was out of control!

Literally.

She made a tape for him?

He felt like crying. He hadn't for days now. The pain was still there, still fresh like an open wound, but at times he was just so damn busy, he had no time to think; or cry; or reminisce. He still felt exposed, but circumstances compelled him to keep going, no matter how tired he felt.

Hope kept him going, his studies...Charlie's mom and Hannah helped him on a daily basis, Charlie was off on tour, and often Hannah would hang out with him and Hope, helping with stuff like giving Hope a bath, reading to her and making dinner, Hannah was real sweet with her, and Hope seemed to become more and more attached to her.

Hannah sometimes worked at their place, making her posters, and she would end up crashing on the couch, but Ryder didn't mind. It felt less lonely having her there, for Hope too...she needed that feminine touch, not that Ryder wasn't capable, he loved brushing her hair after a bath, she would try and steal the brush from him, and often ended up bashing him over the head with it!

He smiled.

Thank God he had Hope.

His mind stopped wandering and he put the tape in, flipping open the small screen...He wasn't ready projecting her on to the big screen, he couldn't look at her that closely yet, his heart wouldn't manage very well. He just knew.

There she was...sitting outside? It was in their spot, on the log where they shared their first ice cream!

He wondered when this was done, it had to be way before the move? That really scared him, how long was she preparing for this and how come she did not tell him?

He knew why.

She wanted things to be "normal" for as long as possible. He got that.

She looked so beautiful in a floral dress, her hair down, he always preferred it like that. She knew that.

Her eyes were warm and the look on her face was playful, it made him blush. He wanted to break through the screen and drag her out into the real world, his world, to give her a hug and a kiss, the thought of doing that made his heart beat.

He wondered if he would ever stop loving her? If he could ever love someone like that ever again? Does this kind of love only happen once in a lifetime? He was almost certain, this was his one true love...he would never find someone like Skylar.

Never.

"Hey you...I won't bore you with citing a poem or anything like that, I won't do a long speech about everything you meant to me, I would rather tell you in person. By the time you look at this tape, I already told you everything that's in my heart, every thought on my mind...you already know how much I love you! You already know what you mean to me, and how you made my life worth living! I would do it all again...just like this Ryder, it was perfect. You made it perfect...you made me feel like I was the lead in a young adult novel or something...this hot guy - who fell in love with the sick girl, it's textbook...although you definitely aren't!" She stopped, her laugh was infectious.

He was laughing now too. If he made her feel part of a book, one of the books she loved so much, it just made him happy!

He paused her for a while, letting his fingers rest on the screen for a while, touching her face, at least metaphorically?

But he felt her, even just for a second...she was right there with him.

He decided to save the rest for later, this was enough. This was his limit.

Seeing her like that, made him miss her even more, but he was happy she did this for him, and for Hope, making sure they would always have her in their lives.

He had lots of pictures of her on his phone, small pieces of silly videos he did when they were on their trips. He treasured them all, and sometimes he would swipe through them, but it was hard. Thinking about her was hard, seeing her was even harder.

But he was happy. He fell asleep feeling happy, thinking about her.