He couldn't sleep.

It was late, but he felt really restless. He got a sweet text from Skylar, and it made him miss her. It occurred to him this was the first day, he had not been with her for an entire day, since he first met her - 2 months ago.

It felt almost unreal?

He met her 2 months ago, and she just swept in, like a tornado...completely turning his life around. She picked him up, and twirled him around, he still felt dizzy and disorientated!

How is that even possible?

How can a complete stranger have such an affect on you?

How can a complete stranger turn into the family you never had, the kind of family you really needed. Skylar was like family to him now, she was the most important thing in his life at this point.

He needed her.

He was going to be a dad, but he had nothing to meassure up against? Besides losers and abusers! His own dad left him, and never made an effort to mend their relationship. He no longer had any contact with him, he didn't even know if he was still in the same state! He only remembered snippets of him, fading memories that would eventually disappear completely? Like an image of him and his dad playing in the backyard, laughing - running around - being silly. He remember his dad sitting on the couch watching TV, as he was building stuff with his blocks on the floor. He paused...he always loved building stuff? Even before...before he hid in his closet - picking things apart, putting them back together...Waiting for a monster!

Even before?!

It didn't matter anyway, all the memories were useless now. His dad was gone.

Ryder felt scared, for the first time in a long time, he felt scared.

Skylar told him, his past didn't pave his future. You can leave the bad stuff behind? But he still felt the punches, sometimes he still had nightmares. Realizing he knew exactly what kind of dad, he did not want to be.

Maybe that was a good start?

Recognizing, who you don't want to be? At least he knew that much! He learned first hand, and he wasn't going to make those exact same mistakes. Mistakes made by cowards.

Ryder wasn't a coward.

Far from it!

He knew he had to go back, he had to revisit his past, once and for all, making amends. For his own sake, he had to deal with his past, it wasn't going to disappear, it never would. But he had to make amends with himself. Neither of this was his fault; his dad leaving; his stepdads beating him up; his mom failing to help him...neither of that was his fault!

You can tell yourself over and over again, eventually it might sink in. He knew, he had to deal with his messy past, to avoid passing any of that on to his kid, right?

How can you recover from being slapped around, being belittled and put down on a daily basis? It was all a blur...the men just looked the same to him, faceless...he only saw the fists. Hiding in his room, hoping they would forget about him, but they just never did. He would just wait...wait for the door to open.

He used to have this alarm clock, he would tear it apart, and put it back together. Over and over again, and it always worked, to his surprise. He literally felt like he could controle time. Kids are so funny that way, the way they imagine things away? As you get older it all dawns on you, regretfully.

How can you deal with a past like that?

He wondered what kind of childhood Dave had? If it was anything like his? If a bad childhood would make you turn out this way?

Turning you into a cold; numb; reckless human being...was he? Cold?...He had definitely warmed up to Skylar. Numb?...To some degree. Reckless?...Not anymore.

It felt like he had improved, it was all because of Skylar. She made him a better person.

A better man.

He wanted to be a better person, he had to be, for her sake - and the baby too. He was going back to College, he had to make it work, he was going to support them. How would that even work? Would Skylar be able to take care of the kid from a hospital bed?

Thinking about it like that, it seemed like an impossible task! It really did, and his heart just sank.

So he just decided to stop thinking about it, some things are impossible to foresee. It was impossible to predict the outcome, how could he? He just needed to believe in the positive for once in his life...like Skylar.

Thinking about her made him miss her, he had to see her.

He left a note for Charlie, as he decided to go see Skylar. He had to go back and see her.

The night nurse had gotten used to Ryder coming and going at odd hours of the day, and so she hardly flinched, as he walked past her at 3 am.

He opened the door to Skylar's room - as quietly - as he possibly could, she did not move. She didn't even wake up, as he climbed into bed with her, putting his arms around her, gently.

He needed to be close to her.

"Skylar?" He whispered silently. His lips close to her ear, he gently kissed the lobe, and finally she moved. But she did not wake up, and so he just laid there, wondering how he would ever survive without her? Facing his past felt easier with Skylar, she made him feel like he was no longer alone, she always had something clever to say. She made everything better.

How would he cope without her support?

Knowing, that one day he would have to...there was no going back now. He would have to see this through.