Hindi naman ako galit sa mga sinabi ni Reagan no’n, it actually enlighten my mind. Kahit na alam ko naman na talagang hindi ako magugustuhan ni Vaughn, ako lang talaga ang nagpupumilit.

Every time he visits, I sometimes do something to make my self busy. Para hindi ko siya makita o makasama. Hindi rin naman siya nagrereklamo, hindi ko alam kung sanay siya pero mas madalas siguro niyang isipin na iniiwasan ko siya.

But not today…

Dahil nakatunganga lang ako sa pool nang sumulpot siya roon. Nagulat pa ako dahil sa pagsulpot niya bigla. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin! I cleared my throat and act normal. I stood up and got my juice when he suddenly blocked my way. Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya at agad na ibinaba dahil sa intensidad ng kaniyang titig.

“Excuse me,” I said before going to the opposite way. But he fucking blocked it again. “I said excuse me.” iritado kong sambit at nag-angat ng tingin sa kaniya.

“Why are you avoiding me?” he asked in a deep voice.

“I am not.” I denied.

He snorted, “you know to yourself that you’re avoiding me. Why? Is it because of what I told you last time?” he asked. “Are you mad at me?”

“I’m not avoiding you. I am not mad at you. I was just really busy—”

“And now? Biglang busy dahil nandito ako?” Napapikit ako dahil nahalata niya ang ginawa ko.

“Papasok lang ako dahil mainit na. Babalik na lang ulit ako mamayang hapon at magpapahinga na ako.”

“It’s still early,”

“Can’t I rest inside my room?”

“Why are you avoiding me?“ he asked, not minding what I said earlier.

“I said, I am not fucking avoiding you. I really just want to go inside, and rest in my room.” nauubusan ng pasensyang sagot ko.

He sighed, “fine. I’m sorry for what I’ve said last time…” he said in lower baritone voice. “Nabigla pa rin ‘ata kita.”

I looked away and bit my lower lip.

“I’m sorry if… I made you think of things you shouldn‘t—”

“Enough!” I cut him off. “Hindi ko naman na iniisip ‘yon. Hayaan mo na ‘yon.”

“Still, I’m sorry. Alam kong pagkatapos ng araw na ‘yon nagalit ka dahil sa mga nasabi ko tungkol kay Vaughn. I’m sorry. Hindi naman sa sinisiraan ko siya sa ‘yo, he’s still my friend, pero hindi ko matiis na mainis kapag nakikita kong nasasaktan ka kapag nababalewala ka niya.”

“It’s fine. I already know that. You don’t have to repeat it so many times for me. You don’t have to remind me of that.” Lumingon ako sa kaniya at pinakatitigan siya. “I was mad. Yes. Because… your words says it all. Pero hindi naman ako sobrang galit dahil… sa mga ‘yon. I was just hurt by the truth.”

“I really am sorry.” Lumakad siya palapit sa akin at hinawakan ang kamay ko. “I told you I would wait. I’m just sorry for spitting those words.”

Tumango ako, “I understand.”

After that day, we seems so perfectly fine. Na para bang hindi ako nagtampo sa kaniya at para bang hindi siya nag-alangan kausapin ako. We were back to normal.

Days, months, and years passed by too fast. Hindi ko namalayan na sobrang tagal na pala ng samahan namin. Hindi ko namamalayang… ang tagal na niyang naghihintay sa akin at gano’n din ako kay Vaughn. He never look at me like a person he could love… but look at me as just his sister… his friend. Nawawalan ako ng pag-asa pero hindi ako sumuko.

Ako pa ang nagpumilit na kung saan naroon nag-aaral si Vaughn ay roon din ako. Mom seems not to notice that. But she let me be. Nga lang ay pinagpipilitan niya ako kay Reagan.

He often go to our house since I think he’s busy. He’s graduating college next year. I’m in my second year and nothing has changed yet. He did wait. But I still couldn’t… sort out my feelings towards him. Hindi ko alam pero naguguluhan ako. I like Vaughn, yet… I am having this weird feelings towards him? What is this? P’wede bang dalawa ang gusto mo? O… dalawa nga ba talaga ang gusto ko? Ewan. Naguguluhan ako.

“Yes, Savannah. Next month na ‘yong engagement. Yes, of course. She knows…” I don’t want to eavesdrop but I have this gut feeling that mom and Tita Savannah are talking about me and Reagan. “Yes, we should tell them again about this.”

Napasinghap ako dahil alam ko kung ano ‘yon. Naestatwa ako lalo na nang makita ako ni mommy na nakatayo hindi kalayuan sa kaniya.

“Alright, I have to go. I’ll send you the details about it. Bye.” She ended the call and calmly sat down. She looked at me, then raised her brow at me. “Why are you here, darling?”

Napalunok ako, “mom… m-may I ask what are you two talking about?” I asked nervously.

She smiled, “your engagement with Reagan. It should be next month. Kaya naman pinaghahandaan na namin ng Tita Savannah mo.”

My throat ran dry, I don’t know how to react. Gulat at disappointed ako.

“Mom… y-you do know that… I don’t like Reagan. You d-do know that the person I want is Vaughn. Why are you still pushing this?” I still managed to stay calm, but my voice broke.

She looked away, “Vaughn doesn’t even like you, hija.” Then she look at me without any emotions in her eyes. “I already asked this to his parents. Na kung… p’wede ay kayo na lang dalawa ni Vaughn, but they rejected me. They don’t want to do that to their son. I was hoping that their mind would still change but didn’t. After years… of asking so many times, almost begging because I know how much you love their son, hindi pa rin sila pumapayag. I don’t know what to do anymore, anak.” Tumulo ang luha ko. “Kaya ito na lang ang ginagawa kong paraan. Reagan is same as Vaughn, personality, wealth, and anything you could ask for. Reagan is a good guy, Stella. I know you know that.”

Umiling ako nang sunod-sunod. Sa totoo lang, ayaw ko pang makasal. Ayaw ko pang isipin ang lahat ng ito. Ang gusto ko lang ay mapansin nila na hindi ko gusto o hindi gano’n kalalim ang nararamdaman ko para kay Reagan. It’s still Vaughn over Reagan.

“I don’t want to marry Reagan…” sambit ko sa nanghihinang boses.

“You will marry him, whether you like it or not. You have no say on that.” She said dismissively. Tumayo siya at umalis sa sala.

Napasinghap ako at mas lalong lumuha. Hindi ko na ba mababago ang isip ni mommy? Is it her final decision for me? I don’t want to marry anyone yet. Even though I like Vaughn, I don’t want to marry him yet. Masyado pa akong bata. I am still twenty, I am still young to settle in life.

Days and weeks had past and I am already avoiding Reagan. Hindi ko na rin siya nire-reply-an sa kaniyang mga text sa akin. Hindi ko sinasagot ang mga tawag niya. I am totally avoiding him.

Bakit hindi siya tumatanggi sa alok na kasal ni mommy? Bakit hinahayaan lang niya sina Tita Savannah na magdesisyon para sa kaniya? Ano, pinanghahawakan niya na siya ang pinakamasunuring anak ng mga ito? I don’t know why he’s letting him decide for his life. Masyado pa kaming bata. Yes, we’re not a teen anymore but still, we’re still young to settle. He’s graduating. I’m on my second year in Architecture. I’m still studying. Kaya hindi ko makuha kung bakit… bakit kailangang gawin agad ito?

“Athena,” I heard his baritone voice called me from behind. I turned to him. But I stopped walking. “Why are you avoiding me again?” he asked like it pained him that I am avoiding him.

I suppressed my emotions as he asked. My lips in a thin line, not wanting to speak now.

“You’re not replying to my messages, even in my calls. I know you’re busy with your study, but I also know when you have time. I don’t want to bother you, but… it bothers me that you’re not replying. You don’t want to talk to me either. I don’t know what did I do wrong to you to have this silent treatment.” Napayuko ako at hindi agad nakapagsalita. Hearing him say these… akala mo wala talaga siyang alam.

Huminga ako nang malalim. I look around and saw that we’re in the field, far from students. Walang nagpa-practice na player ngayon kaya wala rin gaanong tao. Kung mayroon man ay mga nagbabasa, nagrereview, nagsusulat, pero iilan lang sila. Vacant ko at siguradong may klase ngayon ang isang ito. Pero bakit niya pa ako sinusundan?

“Don’t pretend that we’re okay, Reagan. Because we’re not.” Malamig kong turan habang nakatingin sa mga mata niya.

He frowned, “why? I… I don’t understand.”

Natawa ako nang sarkastiko, “don’t fucking pretend that you don’t know anything!” I spat angrily. “H’wag kang magmaang-maangan kasi hindi nakakatuwa! I thought you’ll wait?! I thought you won’t force me to like you?! Bakit?! Bakit ganito? Bakit… bakit hindi mo pinipigilan ang pinaplano ng mommy mo?!” hindi ko na naiwasang mangilid ang luha habang siya ay kunot-noong nakatingin sa akin, naguguluhan. “We are bound to marry each other! You asshole! Akala ko ba hindi mo ‘ko pipilitin?!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about—”

“I don’t want to marry you! I don’t even like you! I don’t want to like you!” sigaw ko para matauhan siya. “Do you hear me? Do you understand? I. Don’t. Like. You.” I said, emphasizing each word. “I love Vaughn. I would rather marry him than you. I don’t even know you well. Even after years of being friends, you’re too secretive. That’s why… I couldn’t like you.”

Lies. Alam ko sa sarili kong nakikilala ko na siya. Alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi pa ako magpapakasal kahit kay Vaughn. But I want to say this for him to finally realize what’s happening. For him to stop the engagement himself. Dahil alam kong pakikinggan siya ni mommy o ni Tita Savannah. Ako? Hindi. Hindi ako pagbibigyan. Hindi ako pakikinggan. I still want to pursue my course. I still want to strive more.

“I want you… to stop the engagement. I don’t want to marry you, Reagan. I hope you understand.”

Kitang-kita ko ang sakit na dinulot ng mga salita ko sa kaniya. His eyes held so much pain. But he didn’t lash out. He remained calm and collected. He swallowed hard and looked down.

“I didn’t know about this… engagement you’re talking about. Yes, mom told me if I want to marry you… and I said yes. Because I fucking like you.” He looked up at me and I saw how his dark his expression is. “Umasa ako, Athena. Umasa ako na… magugustuhan mo ‘ko. After years of pursuing you. Akala ko nagkakaroon na ako ng chance. But I was wrong. I was wrong. You still love him. I get it. You are choosing him over me. Kahit na… hindi ka niya magustuhan. I still don’t understand why… is it so hard to like me? Is it because of my style? Because I’m kind of nerd? Because I’m too focused on my study?” umiling siya, tila dismayado sa mga narinig sa akin. I don’t know how to respond on him.

Nanatili kaming tahimik at pinakikiramdaman lang ang mga sarili. I didn’t dare to speak. Nahihiya ako. Nagagalit. Sa sarili ko. He’s did nothing but to be nice and be a good friend to me. Pero ito pa ang ginawa at sinabi ko sa kaniya.

“Kakausapin ko sina mommy at daddy tungkol sa engagement.” Napaangat ako ng tingin sa kaniya. Halos ibaba o iiwas kong muli ang tingin ko nang makitang sobrang dilim ng mga mata niya habang nakatingin sa akin. “I will cancel the engagement. For you.”

“T-Thank you…” I croaked. Hindi na alam kung ano pang isusunod. Nawawalan ako ng lakas habang nakatingin sa mga mata niyang… puno ng kadiliman.

“I guess, this is the goodbye.” Bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata ko. “I will be better, Stella Athena. The next time we see each other… I will make sure that… you will no longer see the Reagan you have the past four years. I will make sure… ikaw naman ang maghahabol sa akin sa panahong magkita ulit tayo.” Hindi ko naintindihan ang huling salitang binitawan niya dahil para na iyong bulong. Bago siya humakbang patalikod at umalis nang tuluyan. I saw how broken he is.

After that day, mom informed me that the engagement was called off. I didn’t feel happy. I just felt nothing… empty.

Sa sumunod na taon, hindi ko inasahang may gagawing hindi inaasahan si mommy. Yes, I told her how much I want Vaughn, but I didn’t expect her to do such horrible things just to give me happiness!

“Mom! What did you do?!” I asked hysterically. “Dad?!”

“I-I just want them to… to agree to my proposal, anak. I…”

“You… you killed Vaughn’s mother… for me?!”

“Yes! It’s for you!” nababaliw na siya! Hindi ako makapaniwalang… kaya niyang gawin ‘yon. “I want to see you happy, anak. I… I-I saw how you adore Vaughn. I-I tortured his parents — I-I want them to say yes to my proposal… to arrange you in marriage with Vaughn!”

“Mom! You don’t have to do that!” I yelled at her, frustrated now. “You don’t have to kill…” nanghihina akong napatingin sa kanila.

“It’s for you…”

Umiling ako, “even so! Mom… that’s a crime! I… I heard… there are also people who… violated Vaughn’s mom?”

“They… they are my apprentice.” She said, crying. “I thought mapapapayag ko sila… pero… nagmatigas pa sila, anak. I’m sorry…”

I didn’t know how to accept the fact that… I tolerated that act of her. I hid it from Vaughn for years. I pretend that nothing happened. Like my mom did nothing to his parents.

But still… it haunts me.