I just want to be loved by someone I love and treasure the most in my life…

But every time I love someone, there’s also someone else that would take them away from me. And there, I’m always left behind.

I’m always trying to change myself for being a bad bitch. I’m always trying.

But every time I try to change myself, there’s also someone else that would trigger my bad personality. And there, I’m always the worst in their minds and eyes.

I badly want the attention of everyone, but they just can’t give attention to me that I always wanted.

They think I’m always fine alone, without any real and true friends, but in fact… I am not. I want to feel the warmth of having real good friends. But every time I’m having a friends, they are turning to be my enemy.

I don’t know why, though. Siguro sa ugali ko? And I don’t give a goddamn care about it. I won’t change myself just for them to stay with me. I can find new one.

Gusto kong makaranas na mahalin din ako. Kasi nakakasawa na maging kontrabida sa buhay ng iba. Nakakasawa nang maging masama ang ugali sa iba. But damn! I just can’t help myself for being like that!

“You should change your uh… personality, I think? They find you too intimidating. Always.” Kyleigh, one of my new real friend now, said.

I know I’ve done bad things to her before but she’s one of a kind and an Angel, so she trusted me and forgave me for everything. I tolerated my mother just so I could have Vaughn for myself. But God forbid it.

Alam kong mali, alam kong masama, pero dahil sa pagkabulag ko sa pagmamahal ko kay Vaughn, wala na akong makitang tama at mali sa buhay ko. I just badly want to have a happy life… a happy ending — with him. But doesn’t want me nor love me in a romantic way. Hanggang kaibigan at katrabaho lang talaga ang kaya niyang ibigay sa akin. Na kalaunan, natanggap ko na rin. Ipinipilit ko lang naman ang sarili ko sa mundong alam kong hindi para sa akin.

I look at Kyleigh languidly, “do you think I would change just for them to like me? No way, Kyleigh. I will never do that. No fucking way. Bahala sila kung gustuhin nila ako o hindi. Hindi ko na problema kung natatakot sila sa ugali ko.”

Natawa siya sa sinabi ko.

“That’s it. Tatanda kang dalaga dahil sa ginagawa mo. Your pride is eating you up kaya ayaw mong magbago.”

“I need this attitude for my businesses!” I defended.

“Alright, alright. But you don’t need that when it comes to love — I mean, dating.”

“Pasalamat ka at buntis ka sa mga inaanak ko, kasi kung hindi nasabunutan na kita riyan.” Tinawanan lang niya ako at nagpatuloy sa pagkain ng in-order niyang cheesecake.

“But, is it possible to just move on in… a short time? I mean, I found someone uhm… attractive and hot. And I think I like him. I mean, it’s been lots of months since I accepted that Vaughn is in love with you, so I think I’ve already moved on from him.” I look at her and she’s looking at me deeply, too. I find her cute while looking at me like that.

What a cute preggy!

She sighed, “I know you’ve already moved on from him. Masyado mo lang talagang kinukulong ang sarili mo sa isiping hindi ka na makakahanap ng lalaking katulad ni Vaughn. But trust me, Stella, there’s always someone that is meant for you. Not now but I know it will be too soon.”

I shrugged, “you don’t know what I am thinking every time I look for someone. I’m not thinking about Vaughn, duh!” I rolled my eyes in a sassy way.

“You can tell me what’s on your mind. I’m your friend, Stella. The moment I forgave you and realized what you’ve been through, I considered you as a friend not an opponent anymore.”

It melted my heart as I look at her. She’s sincere with her words. She’s really a true friend for me. But I can’t still relay on her with my problems in life, I grow up to be tough and don’t just relay on someone to lift up my own problems. My mother told me to never show weakness on others. Instead, show weakness when you’re alone.

“Thank you, Kyleigh. I really appreciate you.” I smiled sweetly at her.

After meeting her in that café, I went back to my office.

It’s been weeks since I last saw Reagan again. Ang daming pinagbago sa kaniya. His physique, his feature, his… attitude. Well, mukha pa rin naman siyang mayabang. Pero ngayon, alam mo nang sobra-sobra ang ibubuga niya.

Isang beses pa lang kaming nagkita sa loob ng dalawang linggo, at hindi ko maipagkakaila na I find him hot and attractive. He’s much more intimidating but he looks so fucking hot and sexy.

“Madame Architect,” my secretary called me. I don’t know why she’s always calling me that. Simula nang maging sekretarya ko siya ay nasanay na siyang iyan ang itawag sa akin. Maganda pakinggan, though.

“Yes?” I look at the door where she is.

“Mr. Servano is here po. May appointment daw po siya sa iyo.” Kumunot ang noo ko sa kaniya.

Really? At bakit hindi niya alam, e siya ang sekretarya ko? Pero dahil si Reagan ‘yan, go lang.

“Let him in,”

Sinunod naman niya ako at ilang sandali pa ay pumasok na nga si Reagan sa opisina ko. I arched a brow when I saw how he grazed the office hotly. Kinailangan ko pang tumikhim para hindi niya mahalata na nakatitig ako sa kaniya.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Servano.” I greeted him professionally.

“Good afternoon,”

“Have a sit.” Umupo siya at nakita ko ang pagpasada niya sa buong opisina ko. “I didn’t know you have an appointment with me this afternoon.”

“I actually don’t have one,” seryoso niyang sambit nang bumaling sa akin.

Nagtiim bagang ako dahil nagsinungaling siya sa sekretarya ko. Sabagay, buti na lang din at wala akong ibang appointment ngayong hapon. I am free the whole day. Pipirma lang ng mga papeles.

“Anong pinunta mo rito?” tanong ko at itinabi ang mga papeles na natapos kong basahin at pirmahan.

Naglapag siya ng isang folder sa harap ko. Tumaas ang kilay ko roon.

“It’s a contract. Kukunin kitang architect ng bagong project ng kompanya ko. Mr. Fortiarra recommended you, so I am here.”

“Wow. Parang napilitan ka lang, ah.” sarkastikong sambit ko sabay kuha ng folder.

“Well, a friend recommended you so I am hoping that it’s a thing that you will be a good choice.” I don’t know what I would feel about it, though. Hindi na lang ako nagsalita at binasa na lang ang kontrata.

While I read the contract he’s also discussing things regarding the project. And I must say it’s kind of big project. Bagong proyekto, bagong branch sa Batangas. It’s a big hotel restaurant. Napangisi ako dahil may naiisip na agad akong disenyo para rito.

“If you agree, we’ll have a meeting tomorrow in my company.” Tumango ako. “I am giving your company a trust. I know your company’s state but I invested, and now I am giving you a trust.”

Mataman ko siyang tinitigan. “Hindi ka ba napilitang… mag-invest sa kompanya ko? O did someone forced you to do so? Someone told you to invest? Perhaps… your mother?”

His eyes narrowed at me as he listen. “My mom told me, yes. Pero ako pa rin naman ang magdedesisyon kung susundin ko o hindi, ‘di ba?”

Tumango na lamang ako at hindi na ulit nagsalita. Pinirmahan ko ang kontrata at nakipagpakamayan sa kaniya.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then.” he said in low baritone voice.

“See you tomorrow,” I smiled.

Inabala ko ang sarili ko sa paggawa ng disenyong maaari kong i-present bukas. Though pag-uusapan pa naman kung ano talaga ang gusto nila kaya naman naghanda na ako ng sketch. Pagkatapos ay umuwi na rin ako para makapagpahinga na.

I will visit my dad after my meeting with Reagan tomorrow. I need to inform him that I got a new big project. For sure, he’ll be proud. He’ll be happy.

Kinabukasan ay iyon nga ang ginawa ko after the meeting with Reagan and the board members, I went out of the conference room to prepare.

“Your presentation will be next week,” napabaling ako kay Reagan nang magsalita siya sa likod ko.

I smiled at him, “paghahandaan ko ‘yan mamaya. May pupuntahan ako ngayon.”

“You’re not that busy, I see.”

“Walang gaanong ginagawa sa opisina ko dahil… you know.” Hindi ko siya madiretso. “Bibisitahin ko si Daddy.” Doon kumunot ang noo niya.

“Bakit? Nasaan ba ang daddy mo?”

“He’s in the hospital. For his… almost everyday diagnosis and treatment.”

“What… happened?”

“He has a cancer. Brain tumor. The doctor suggest that he must stay in the hospital for the observation.”

Iilan lang din ang nakakaalam ng tungkol sa sakit ni Daddy. Hindi naman kasi sila gano’n kainteresado sa buhay namin.

“Bakit hindi mo dalhin sa ibang bansa para roon siya magpagamot?” I rolled my eyes.

I sighed and look around. “Huli ka na nga sa balita.” I smiled. He frowned. “Almost 50% of our properties ay ipinagbili ko na dahil sa mga nautang ni Mommy sa malalaking kompanya. Plus… she’s in jail. And my dad’s medication… masyadong mahal ang mga gamot niya. Maraming findings sa kaniya kaya lumalala ang lagay niya. Hindi lang brain tumor ang sakit niya kaya…  hirap na hirap ako. Lalo pa dahil wala si Mommy para tulungan ako sa gastusin.”

Tumango siya at hindi na nakapagsalita. He became silent after what I said.

“I know we had… a rough past, pero sana hindi ‘yon maging hadlang sa pagiging mag-partner natin sa trabaho. Lalo na at ako ang architect ng gagawing new branch mo.”

“I have no problem with that. I don’t mix personal issues with work.”

Napangiti na lang ako at hindi na dinugtungan ang sinabi.

I remember the day I met him…

Ipinakilala siya sa akin ni Mommy, anak daw ng matalik niyang kaibigan. Pangalawang anak na lalaki. And the moment I saw his thick round eyeglasses, I almost show how disgusted I was. He sensed it. Kaya hindi rin siya umiimik nang maiwan kami sa sala no’n.

“How old are you again?” I asked, crossing my legs and arms as I look at him firmly.

“Eighteen,” he said in a low voice.

I rolled my eyes.

“You heard my mom? Did you understand her words?” I asked again.

“Mukha ba akong bobo? Malamang naiintindihan ko.” How… how rude! I was asking him in a nice way and he’ll answer me this way?!

“I am just sixteen. And I don’t think about marrying someone yet.”

Siya naman ang kumunot ang noo ngayon. “Hindi pa naman tayo ikakasal. Ang sabi ay nagpaplano sila. Sa tingin mo matutuloy?”

Napanguso ako sa sinabi niya at naningkit ang mga mata.

“Ayaw ko rin naman magpakasal sa ‘yo,”

“I didn’t I don’t like to marry you.”

Simula no’n ay kapag nagkikita kami, madalas kaming magbangayan. Napakayabanh niya. Minsan nakakainis kapag tumitingin siya sa akin na akala mo isa akong joke sa harapan niya.

“Anong ginagawa mo rito?” tanong ko nang makita ko na naman siya sa sala, nagbabasa ng libro.

“Saan ka pupunta?” tanong niya pabalik nang makita ang ayos ko.

“Sa mall, kasama ko si Vaugh.” sagot ko sabay ayos ng bag.

Kumunot ang noo niya. “Vaughn? Fortiarra?”

“Yeah, you know him?” I asked. Matanda siya sa amin ni Vaughn. The latter is just seventeen, while I am sixteen, and he’s eighteen. Gagraduate na si Vaughn ng junior highschool, at maiiwan pa ako ng isang taon sa kaniya. Kaya naman nagplano ako na kung saan siya mag-aaral ay doon din ako.

“He’s a friend,”

Tiningnan ko siya mula ulo hanggang paa.

“I didn’t know Vaughn is befriending a guy… like you.” I smiled at him.

“Matagal na kaming magkaibigan. Our parents are friends. So are we.” Tumango ako. “Sasama ako sa inyo.” Napatingin ako sa kaniya nang tumayo siya at ayusin ang sarili.

He’s just wearing a plain white v-neck shirt and a pants, then a robber shoes. Too simple! Can’t he style himself a bit? Mabuti pa si Vaughn marunong bumagay sa damit.

“And wearing that?” I asked while scanning his clothes.

“What do you want me to wear? A tux?” Sinamaan ko agad siya ng tingin.

“Hindi ka ba marunong sumagot nang maayos? Nakakairita ka!”

“Wala namang problema sa damit ko. Mas mamroblema ka kung nakahubad ako habang naglilibot tayo sa mall.”

Natawa ako sa sinabi niya. “You’re so full of yourself, Reagan. Kung maghubad ka habang naglalakad sa kahit saan, wala akong pakialam! Pagtatawanan ka ng lahat kasi may tingting na naglalakad!”

“Coming from you, e mas mapayat ka sa akin.”

“I’m a girl,”

“Doesn’t matter.” I made a face at hinayaan na lang siyang sumama sa akin.

“Bwisit ka. Date na sana namin ‘to. Bakit ka pa kasi sumama, e!” iritang reklamo ko sa kaniya sa sasakyan.

“Your mom told me to be always around you. To hang around you—”

“You’re not my bodyguard, for Pete’s sake. Uto-uto ka naman masyado kay Mommy!” Iritado akong bumaling sa kaniya. “Do you like me?” I asked out of nowehere.

“So?”

“Anong so?!”

Hindi na siya nagsalita kaya I conclude that he really likes me. Damn this guy. Damn him!

“Date, huh.” bulong niya sa likod kaya naman sinamaan ko siya ng tingin.

“Can you please shut the fuck up?” mariin kong saway sa kaniya.

Palapit na kami kay Vaughn na kasama ang mga kaibigan niya. Well, ano pa bang aasahan ko sa kaniya. He doesn’t like me. He would never like me. Ipinagpipilitan ko lang naman talaga sarili ko.

“You like him despite the fact that… he doesn’t feel the same way towards you.” Hindi ako nagsalita dahil nasasaktan ako. Dahil totoo. Dahil kahit anong gawin ko alam kong hanggang kaibigan lang ang turing sa akin ni Vaughn.