Summary: Sakura had lost him before, but he'd never lost her before. He didn't know what to do anymore.

Dedicated to my beloved friend Ava for her birthday 💕❤️

CAUTION: TRIGGER WARNING. This one might be a bit more disturbing. The imaging isn't super lovely.

DARK!!!
Dark and Sad with a capital S. Gets so, so so much better near the end bc SasuSaku are my babies and I can't keep them unhappy for long without feeling guilty. I swear the whole thing isn't dark and depressing ahahaha

Age: 17, then 32.

Category: Sasuke POV, Team 7ish, Sasusaku definitely

Note: SAD AND DARK. Based off Billie Eilish's song Bellyache. Listen to it to set the mood? I have some dark crap in my notes, and I turned a little piece of it into a semi-functional one shot. For those of you who like that, like I do (I'm all there for the angsty crap, bc I would never cry if it wasn't for those) this is definitely for you. Trigger warning- self harm, possibly semi-graphic bits. Sasuke did go insane after all.

This is for my dear friend Ava's birthday: Silent_Dxpxty LOVE YOU!!!! Happy birthday hon 💕💕💕💕

Sittin' all alone
Mouth full of gum
In the driveway
My friends aren't far
In the back of my car
Lay their bodies

Where's my mind
Where's my mind

They'll be here pretty soon
Lookin' through my room for the money
I'm bitin' my nails
I'm too young to go to jail
It's kinda funny

Where's my mind
Where's my mind
Where's my mind
Where's my mind

Maybe it's in the gutter where I left my lover
What an expensive fate
My V is for Vendetta
Thought that I'd feel better
But now I got a bellyache

Everything I do the way I wear my noose
Like a necklace
I wanna make 'em scared like I could be anywhere
Like I'm reckless

I lost my mind
I don't mind
Where's my mind
Where's my mind

Maybe it's in the gutter where I left my lover
What an expensive fate
My V is for Vendetta
Thought that I'd feel better
But now I got a bellyache

Maybe it's in the gutter where I left my lover
What an expensive fate
My V is for Vendetta
Thought that I'd feel better
But now I got a bellyache

<>

Maybe it's in the gutter, where I left my lover

"Sasuke?"

Naruto's voice broke into the cold, dark hole he'd dug into his brain. Sasuke blinked, coming back to himself. He wasn't sure where he had gone, but he'd somehow blacked out with his eyes open. The view of the destroyed Valley made everything come back to Sasuke like he had been punched in the stomach. Sasuke was suddenly finding it hard to breathe.

Sasuke was holding her, he realized. The one person who'd wait forever for him. She looked like a marionette with the strings cut. A perfect doll. Beautiful, but utterly lifeless.

He had cared about her, he realized now. When he was a genin, he'd known it. When he left her on the bench, he shoved it down to the corner of himself he no longer thought about- the corner that still missed his home and his friends and his old life. The one that wanted to give up on revenge and go back to trying to be happy. He lied to himself about it while he was with Orochimaru, but even then, he had cared about her. He'd only cared. He'd never hated her. He had pushed it down, and hid it. He'd always considered it something he'd address after.

After he killed Itachi. After he had finished everything he needed to do, he would come for her.

The brain was incapable of coming up with new faces, and Sasuke knew that was an unarguable fact. Whenever he pictured himself remaking the Uchiha clan, the generic face he used for that of his wife, had always been her. She was the only girl he'd even considered caring about.

He was under the impression that she would wait for him forever. He thought that even when he had nothing, he would have her. She'd promised him, when they were little, that she loved him. She'd do anything for him, she said.

He'd seen her smile at him as she died in his arms. Her green eyes closed for good a few moments ago. Her flawless, milky white skin had grown deathly pale with blood loss, and cold to the touch. Her voice had just met his ears for the last time.

Naruto's voice was broken, like he'd just been crying. Sasuke looked up at him, briefly, before realizing that Naruto hadn't really stopped. His blue eyes were rivers of tears. Sasuke shook his head. There's no reason to cry, he thought to himself. Sakura's okay. She's just...

She's just...

Not sleeping, his mind reasoned, she was too pale for that. Not passed out from exhaustion, she was too cold for that.

Not dead... Sasuke wasn't ready for that.

Sasuke cradled her head to his chest, ignoring the blood that was all over him now. Naruto stood over both of them, but didn't make a single move to kill Sasuke. The two were united in their grief.

Well, Naruto in grief, Sasuke in denial. Naruto was suffering beyond belief- but he didn't strike Sasuke down with a Rasengan to the chest, or spear him like the monster he was. Naruto was allowing Sasuke to hold Sakura's body, which was more than Sasuke deserved.

"I didn't mean..." Sasuke started, but couldn't finish. Admitting it aloud would make it true.

"I know."

Sasuke looked at the broken shell that used to be the smiling, vivacious girl he knew. "I didn't want this." He ran his bloody fingers through her hair, wondering why the hell he'd ever wanted to do this in the first place. He'd thought it would be easy, once upon a time. That he could just end her life and walk away like it was nothing.

Why in the hell did he ever leave the village and this girl three years ago?

Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid-

She wasn't dead- couldn't be dead. He'd just seen her- sparkle in her eyes, as she punched down the Ten Tails clones. He'd seen demonstrate her raw power, utterly alive. Not even two hours ago, she'd been a part of the Team 7 that had saved the world.

"I-" Sasuke's throat caught, but he forced himself to continue. "I didn't want this." Sasuke told the blonde, almost pleading for him to understand. 

"I know." Naruto said, his voice failing afterwards. He crumpled, and fell to the floor. Sasuke saw Naruto's shoulders shaking as he sobbed in his peripheral vision. It had appeared that the shock had worn off for Naruto, and he had registered that he would never see Sakura smile again. Sasuke heard this, but never removed his eyes from Sakura's closed ones- waiting for the elegant emerald to open and once again meet his, and sparkle like they used to.

"I want her back."

"Me too."

"How do we get her back?"

"We don't."

"No!" Sasuke's eyes flew to Naruto. He hissed his words out in rage. "I refuse to let that be the last time she saw me!" He said, looking once more down at her eyes. They were still closed. Sasuke scowled at her. She was stronger than this.

"Sasuke," Naruto said, more tears spilling unabashedly down his cheeks. "She's gone."

"No." Sasuke shouted, this time, because it couldn't be- Sakura was the one constant in his life. Just like Naruto- she'd always been there, always would be. She'd told him she'd loved him, so long ago. Would've given up her life in Konoha to be with him.

No. Sakura has to be okay.

Sasuke pushed one of her eyelids up, trying to wake her up, and saw one emerald eye, staring blankly past him. There was no more sparkle. The eye was just an object, now, not a visual appendage for an ethereal creature. He closed it again, unable to bear seeing the eye that used to light up with love whenever she'd seen him.

She couldn't see him anymore.

Sasuke looked down at Sakura's body. He'd cradled her once he'd realized what he'd done, and she'd closed her eyes watching him. He'd felt her grow cold, and a tiny voice finally whispered into his head that he'd killed her. She was finally gone.

He'd always told himself he'd kill them one day- Sakura and Naruto. Killing one of them would get him his Mangekyo Sharingan- eyes of his brother. But he'd never done it. He'd never even tried to kill her. Now he'd actually done it.

Sasuke hadn't understood what it meant, when he said he would. He knew what death was, intimately. But he hadn't understood what the cold-blooded murder of his most precious people would do to him.

How on earth had Itachi done it? How had he shouldered that? Sasuke hadn't understood the crushing guilt, or the all consuming loneliness that would come with killing one of the only people who would ever love him. He had known nothing about the pain that this would cause him.

He finally understood how Itachi had felt.

Sasuke's Sharingan turned off, and he closed his eyes, but the images were burned into his brain. Sakura's bloody mouth smiling at him one last time before she just stopped. Sasuke's own Chidori hitting her in the heart. Sakura's last muttering of his name.

He threw back his head, blinking at the rain falling in his eyes, and screamed.

What an expensive fate

He didn't remember much, but when he woke up, he was alone in a dark room, strapped to a bed. His eyes stung, for some reason. That nightmare hurt him more than he thought it would. He'd never been overly emotional, but something about killing Sakura brought something out of him- a monster.

He got an overwhelming urge to see her- he had to know if she was alright. He blinked multiple times for his eyes to adjust, and his throat closed up when he thought he was back at Orochimaru's hideout- where Kabuto would come, glasses glinting in the light and cut and cut and cut-

but no. He wasn't in Orochimaru's. He was in Konoha. He could smell it in the air. No dirt, or blood.

Sasuke Uchiha wasn't afraid of the dark. He thrived in it. It was the other things that worked in the dark that scared him. Itachi had plunged into the darkness out of the goodness of his heart- Sasuke had dived into it in rage, and now just wanted OUT. There was no out, though. No window in this room. No light switch that he could see.

He jerked for his hands, and saw that they were cuffed with leather straps. He would get out, but his chakra was low from his fight with Naruto. He would be there for the time being. Sasuke didn't let the panic stop his breathing, like it did sometimes. He wouldn't allow the darkness to affect him.

Wait- he thought, freezing his movements. He was in Konoha. Sakura was here. She could help him get out. She could bring him water. She could bring him light. She'd heal his scratchy throat, and aching eyes. She'd heal his aching heart.

He waited, and waited for her to come. The dark became suffocating. Just when he thought he'd go mad if he stayed there any longer, the door opened, allowing a bit of light to stream through.

Not Sakura- never Sakura. Sasuke had imagined the door opening a million times, her pink head of hair glowing in the light. Brilliant green eyes and a soothing smile. That imagining helped him through the terrors of the dark.

But no- before him stood Tsunade Senju, Godaime Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato, and she looked ready to raise hell.

"Sasuke Uchiha." She said, voice cold and harsh. Sasuke winced, because it wasn't anything like Sakura's would be. Sakura's voice would be soft and warm and loving- like his mother's when he was sick.

"Hokage," he replied stiffly, because she'd said his name, so he might as well acknowledge her. He looked eagerly behind her, preparing for the pink hair and large smile, but he didn't see anyone else. His lips pulled into a frown. He turned to the Hokage, who'd crossed her arms over her chest and was watching him disinterestedly. "Why do my eyes hurt?" He asked suspiciously.

"You tried to tear them out." Tsunade leaned against the wall, watching him. Sasuke's eyebrows raised at the news. "That's why we had to restrain you."

Sasuke hummed. He had no memory of doing that. It was unexpected, but he didn't really care very much at the moment. "Where am I?" He began, because all he wanted was out-

let me out let me out let me out please, I'm scared- please let me out- Sakura-?

Tsunade raised a brow. The movement drew Sasuke's eyes, and he blinked repeatedly before focusing again. "Konoha General Hospital."

Sasuke perked up, before his eyes narrowed suspiciously. He knew Sakura was a medic there- she'd be working, right? Why hadn't she dropped by to see him? Did she hate him? Had he finally scared her off for good? Stupid stupid stupid-

"This is a dark wing of the hospital." He drawled, hoping Tsunade couldn't see his shaking hands. Please don't close the door, please give me light, give me Sakura-

"I'll say." Tsunade replied, leaning heavily on one hip. "Do you know why you're here, Uchiha?"

"To get better," Sasuke said. That was what hospitals were for. Always for getting better. But also for prolonging the inevitable. Or for holding bodies. Empty shells of people. Like his parents, like his brother, like the dream Sakura. Like Sakura.

ALONEALONEALONEALONEALONE

"You could say that." Tsunade said. "You helped us during the war. You got some sense knocked into you by Naruto, I hope. Does that sound about right?"

Sasuke didn't address the last question. "Why am I being kept in the dark?" He asked, savoring in the small amount of light coming in from behind Tsunade. Tsunade watched him watch the light, and made a humming noise in the back of her throat.

"Because this room does not have a light." Tsunade pointed out the obvious, looking towards the ceiling to prove her point. Sasuke followed her gaze, and saw she was right. No light bulb, or torch, or fireplace, or lantern.

Sasuke looked at the light of the door, instead, not meeting the hazel eyes that studied him curiously. "Can I be moved to a room with a window?"

"That's impossible, you could escape."

Sasuke didn't point out that he could escape no matter what room he was in, it made no difference whether or not there was a window. "Can I be moved into a room with light?"

"I'm afraid that would be too dangerous now that you're awake." She pointed out. "We're being cautious, I hope you understand. After all, you've shown signs in the past of being... unstable."

Unstable in my loyalties, or unstable in my temperament? Sasuke thought, not really knowing. He finally voiced what he'd really wanted to know. "Where's Sakura?" He asked, looking expectantly at Tsunade.

Tsunade's eyes widened, and but Sasuke recognized a pained undertone in her eyes. The shadows on her face moved as she dipped her head. "I don't understand the question."

"Sakura Haruno. Where is she?" Sasuke asked again, more impatiently, elaborating since the woman clearly wasn't paying attention.

The pained look worsened, but so did the confusion on her face. "You don't remember?"

Remember what? Sasuke briefly thought. But his one track mind made him persist. "Sakura. Tell me where she is right now." A thrill of dread shot through him when Tsunade gave him an indulgent look.

"Six feet under, at the Konoha Cemetery. Third row from the left, headstone number twenty three."

"No, no," Sasuke said, frowning. That had just been a dream. The real Sakura was alive, her green eyes still sparkled. She wasn't empty, or cold, like she was in his dream. He'd had bad dreams before, and that was exactly like one of them. She was fine. "You're wrong, or lying." He told Tsunade insistently, his eyebrows furrowing. "She isn't at her apartment? Or helping you in the hospital?"

"She's dead, Sasuke." Tsunade replied, voice stone cold. Like Sakura's body when he held her-

"No," Sasuke repeated. "She isn't. She can't be."

"She is."

"She ISN'T."

"It wasn't your fault, Sasuke," Tsunade sighed, running a hand through her hair wearily. She was sad and tired- a woman who'd lost almost everyone, and was running the last leg of her race. "Naruto told me she'd stepped in front of your Chidori and Naruto's Rasengan to save you both."

"That wasn't a fatal blow!" Sasuke argued, knowing that it was true. He remembered that he'd just wanted to incapacitate Naruto with that blow. Naruto had been coming at him with a Rasengan, too. "It would've taken off his arm, at most! Sakura wouldn't have stepped in front of that- she's too smart. They taught us trajectory math at the ACADEMY. She didn't do that. She's not dead."

"She did do that, and she is dead." Tsunade repeated, her voice suddenly breaking. "She made a decision based on emotion on the battlefield to save her boys. You and Naruto. "

No no no no no no nononononono- that couldn't be true. Sasuke sat back heavily on his bed, tuning out everything else Tsunade said. She was too pure to be dead. She was innocent, completely clean. Untainted by darkness. She hadn't felt what it was like to be within pure evil- she didn't know what it was like to hold madness at bay for so long. She wasn't supposed to die until she was old and grey. With him, maybe. Sasuke had been making arrangements for that since he was very young.

And he killed her.

She was gone. The pure, pink goddess that had been beginning to pull him back up from the pit of despair had gone and stood in front of his Chidori and Naruto's Rasengan to save them from each other.

He remembered more, now. His Sharingan showed him the memory. It replayed like an old record.

"No! Stop!" Her shrill, panicked voice rang through the valley. He had ignored her, thinking she was further away than she was. Thinking she was safe.

He and Naruto had been aiming to hit each other. Naruto's aim was a little off, and it would be coming for Sasuke's right arm. Sasuke's was heading for Naruto's left.

Despite all his training, he hadn't been ready for Sakura to throw herself in front of their jutsu.

His Chidori hit her right beside her heart, piercing her chest. He remembered he'd felt the heart shudder against his fingers when he brushed past it, straight through to the other side. He whole-body shuddered. Sakura's pure heart - he'd almost held it in his hands. Naruto's Rasengan had went through her stomach. It wouldn't have been fatal with her medical prowess unless she'd been bleeding out for a long time. But Sasuke's...

Another scream rocked his body, and he curled up as tightly as his legs would allow. He buried his face in his knees and screamed, because there was no way.

But there was. He remembered doing it.

He'd killed her.

Like he'd killed Itachi.

He vaguely heard Tsunade trying to calm him down, but his own tortured cries drowned out whatever soothing words she had to say.

Itachi had given him his life, and wanted him to live it. To find love, to grow. To get better. But now, he'd gone and ruined any chance of doing that. He hadn't had feelings for anyone, except Sakura before. He highly doubted that was going to change. He'd ruined his only chance. What an ungrateful child, he was.

He rocked back and forth, and eventually leaned his head back and bashed it against the hard wall. Pain blossomed through his head, but he ignored it. He'd stopped screaming, so he heard Tsunade cry out in surprise. Once again, hit the wall with his head. Twice. Three times. He felt his consciousness nearly slip, and one more strong hit knocked him out. He knew Tsunade had lunged forward to stop him, but it was too late. He would be alone in the dream world - or alone in death - before Tsunade left him in the darkness again.

My V is for Vendetta

Now his eyes and his head hurt, Sasuke realized. He blinked his eyes open, and he was in the light, now. Though he was still in that infernal room, the bed had been moved to the middle of the room, so he could no longer access the wall. The door was open, and Sasuke was closer to the light. Sasuke allowed a little bit of comfort to come to him because of it. He looked around again, and noticed that his hands were still strapped, but his wrists had been rubbed raw. The skin had been rubbed of in some places, leaving rigid lines along the flesh. They were bleeding, and Sasuke had a feeling that he'd done that to himself. He wondered if he could get a clean slice with the straps, and just bleed out. His head and eyes hurt like hell.

"You are an idiot." Someone intoned, almost boredly. Sasuke looked before him, and saw that across from him, there was a chair positioned against the wall next to the door. On that chair sat Kakashi Hatake- his genin sensei, and probably one of the people he wanted to see least in the world.

"Yeah." Sasuke agreed, looking down at his hands again. Guilt bubbled up within him, because as much as he had loved Sakura, Kakashi had been as much a father figure to her as he was to Sasuke. Must suck to have to babysit his daughter's killer. "I don't deserve to live." Sasuke murmured, eyeing the scratch marks that the belts had made in his wrists, and twisted it some more.

The leather ripped into his skin, fresh blood running down his pale arms. Sasuke felt a little bit better now because at least he knew he could still feel pain.

"Stop." Kakashi's cold voice broke through to Sasuke, and he looked up at the white haired man.

"Stop what?" Sasuke asked loudly, yanking his arms violently, ripping more and more. The straps had jagged edges that cut into his skin. He let out a pained breath when he felt his wrists tear and sting. "This?!" He asked, eyes flashing. His chakra was still zero, so there was no way he could do anything else. He shook the strap so I , ripping and ripping. Blood ran down his arms. "This is all I can do! The only thing left to do is to pay retribution! Sakura was an innocent, and I took her life. I want me dead. Deep down, you want me dead."

"Sasuke, calm down. I don't want you dead." Kakashi said calmly, but his voice broke a little near the end.

Sasuke ignored that. "You should! If you loved Sakura even a little bit, you should want revenge!" Kakashi just watched him with eyes that were tired, and sad. Sasuke recognized that look. That was the same look his brother had before he died. Sasuke shook the straps that chained him down harder. "You should kill me, Kakashi. You want to."

Kakashi looked at him solemnly, shaking his head. "No, Sasuke."

"KILL ME, KAKASHI!" Sasuke screamed, shaking and shaking and tearing and tearing until he felt lightheaded from the blood loss. "KAKASHI!" He screamed brokenly when Kakashi didn't stand to end his life. "PLEASE, JUST KILL ME!"

The cries echoed through the room, and finally Kakashi stood up. Sasuke stopped screaming, and a smile grew on his face. Was Kakashi going to grant his wish? Kakashi walked over to the open door, and closed it. Sasuke and Kakashi were now both shrouded in the darkness. Sasuke froze, screams pausing momentarily as his eyes adjusted. Kakashi was looking at him with all-encompassing pain in his eyes.

Sasuke whimpered quietly at the shock of the abrupt transition, because all of his nightmares were in the darkness. "Please, Kakashi," he begged, seeing Kakashi inch closer and closer to Sasuke. "Please, kill me." He pleaded desperately. Kakashi was his only hope. No one else would do it. Kakashi, at least, understood the need. When you gotta go, you gotta go. "Or at least let me go so I can do it myself."

He won't do it. Fucking Senju-brainwashed pussy. Hashirama's fault- raising shinobi who can't get the job done.

Kakashi was right next to him, now, and Sasuke closed his eyes, a smile on his face. Finally, he'd get to see her again, if only for a little bit. Then he'd be going to hell. Straight to hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Which is less than he deserves.

But a knife didn't pierce him through the heart, or slice his neck open. Instead, a hand rested in his hair, rubbing his scalp soothingly.

Sasuke opened his eyes and looked up and saw that Kakashi was looking down at him with tears collecting in his eyes. Kakashi's other hand was glowing green. He healed a little of Sasuke's wrists, so the blood loss wouldn't kill him. Kakashi knew basic medical ninjutsu. I forgot.

Senju brainwashed coward. Can't kill us- we're criminals. Murderers. He's weak.

"Sasuke," Kakashi asked, his voice pure silk, but masking so much pain. "Surely you don't expect me to lose two of my students in such close succession willingly?"

"Kakashi?" Sasuke was confused. If he'd been in Kakashi's place, he would've killed whoever harmed Sakura with no remorse. Even if it was himself.

"Sakura, who did that to you?"

"What?"

"Who did that to your face?" I'll make them pay. Sasuke had thought, three years ago, killing intent oozing off of him in the form of Orochimaru's curse mark at the thought of those Sound shinobi hurting his teammate. Someone was going to pay for the bruises on Sakura's face- for the pink locks that Sakura loved so much scattered on the floor like dead leaves.

Sasuke blinked once more, and found that he was not in the forest of death- his beautiful teammate wasn't alive before him, her brilliant green eyes shining. Sasuke was confused... he had... just been there? Sasuke had been ready to break their arms. Kakashi watched Sasuke's facial expressions, knowing that something was going on. Something he didn't understand.

Sasuke stopped moving when he felt arms wrap around his torso. He didn't need to look around to know that it was Sakura. Sasuke had just lost all control- he had been in an empty state of mind. He had wanted to kill, maim the person that would dare hurt Sakura. Not particularly because he cared oh so much about her- more because she was Sasuke's. She was his teammate, and therefore his responsibility. And someone had disrespected that fact. Someone had spat on that fact, and Sasuke was angry about it.

But the arms around his torso silently encouraged him to let go of his ever present anger. Sakura's flowery scent was suddenly overpowering, and Sasuke's subconscious was forced to understand that Sakura was there, and she was preventing him from harming the person who wronged her. When his mind returned, and Sakura was still holding him still, face buried in his blue shirt, Sasuke wanted to kill the cowering Oto nin even more- for hurting the most innocent, kindest member of his team, who was too empathetic to allow Sasuke to avenge her.

Sasuke inhaled and exhaled, and the curse seal receded. Sasuke dropped the boy's arms and held still as Sakura buried her face in between Sasuke's shoulder blades. Sasuke could still feel her tears landing on his shirt. The raw pulses of power that the Curse seal was giving him were no longer controlling his mind. Sasuke had been given back the reigns in his own head. He had been jolted back into reality by Sakura.

Where am I? Sasuke blinked one more time, and resisted the urge to scream when he found that he wasn't in the Forest Of death, taking the Chunin exams with Sakura and Naruto. He was somewhere else. Where was he...

It took him a startling amount of time to remember that he was currently being imprisoned for being 'unstable', with Kakashi sitting in front of him. He'd forgotten, and that scared him.

Why had he forgotten? He shouldn't have forgotten that, he was just in this place. Sasuke's mind was like a steel trap- Sasuke still remembered the combination to his little toy locker from when he was six. He memorized information as easily as can be. But if he was losing basic moments like this that he had just been in...? Sasuke felt an sinking feeling in his stomach that maybe he wasn't as stable as he thought he was.

FILTHY, PATHETIC BASTARD. INCAPABLE OF KEEPING YOUR OWN MIND UNDER WRAPS! YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THE UCHIHA NAME. A DISAPPOINTMENT, UNFIT TO CARRY ON THE CLAN. YOU SHOULD JUST DIE, AND RID US ALL OF THE SHAME.

Sasuke shut his eyes tightly. Shut up. He thought to Madara, who hadn't stopped screaming in his head. Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shutupshutupshutup-

"Did you know that my female teammate, Rin, did the exact same thing Sakura did?" Kakashi asked,  keeping his hand in Sasuke's hair, running his fingers through the dark locks and untangling them. It reminded him of when his brother showed affection as a child- always playing around with Sasuke's hair when Itachi thought he was asleep.

Sasuke just watched Kakashi, shocked, incapable of doing anything else.

"Some Mist-nin sealed the Three Tails inside of her, and set the jutsu so that the minute she stepped inside of the village, it would be unleashed. Rin refused to be their pawn, but I wouldn't kill her willingly, so she jumped in front of my Chidori."

Sasuke's eyes widened. He hadn't heard this story before. He'd known Rin Nohara, Kakashi's female teammate, was killed in battle, but he'd had no idea that Kakashi had been the one. Kakashi really was the only one who understood him.

"By then, the whole village thought Obito had died, so I was alone with the knowledge that I had brought about the death of the one I loved most." Kakashi removed his hand from Sasuke's head, and shoved it in his pocket with the other one. "The guilt still hasn't gone away."

And so Sasuke found an opening. "Yet you would let your student go through the same pain? End me now, so I don't have to go through what you did."

"No, I'm afraid I'm more selfish than that." Kakashi sighed, pain in his eyes that nearly matched Sasuke's own. "I loved - and still love, and will always love - Sakura as if she was my own child. I'm going to miss her more than anything." Kakashi confessed, getting a far away look in his eye. Sasuke was agitated, because this was only proving Sasuke's point. Sasuke deserved to die for killing Sakura, for causing this man pain beyond belief. "But I won't lose you too." He said, pulling himself together. "A normal father couldn't bear to lose two of his children. I am a shinobi, so it feels like I failed you."

Sasuke sat back as far as his chained arms would allow him, and looked at Kakashi through numb eyes. It seems that I've failed you, Kakashi, not the other way around.

OF COURSE YOU FAILED. You're a disappointment- you're better off dead. You couldn't even save your parents, or your brother. Why should you be able to save your stupid girlfriend? Why would you think you're capable of doing anything but failing???

Disgraceful, shameful boy! A disappointment to the Uchiha clan. I cannot believe a clan member created you. Surely their standards have not fallen so much.

You're a good for nothing- you'll never amount to anything. You're all alone, and there is no one here who will love you. You've gotten rid of everyone who would love you. Itachi, Sakura, your parents... it's poetic justice that you'd kill off the only thing that could possibly give you happiness. Not that you deserve that. You're a monster, just like I was. No one will forgive you.

Sasuke shook his head, rocking back and forth. Tears threatened to stream down his face, as his ancestor hollered curses at him. His stomach fell little by little as he listened to Madara's livid ranting. The worst part of it was that every word coming out of Madara's mouth was right.

"Sasuke!" Mikoto's beautiful face appeared in his subconscious. "Come along, my love." She extended her hand towards her son, and Sasuke's tiny self grabbed it.

"I'm sorry Sasuke. Maybe next time." Itachi's gentle voice echoed through Sasuke's head. Sasuke felt a sharp pain in his temples, and Itachi chuckled, pulling his fingers away from Sasuke's forehead.

"I love you more than anything!" Sasuke sat up straight when he heard Sakura's sobbing, but completely genuine voice. "Please stay!"

Sasuke stared into space, reliving everything he had ever done with his parents and Sakura. He didn't even know what was real anymore. They sat in silence. Kakashi remembered Sakura, and how tortured she would be to see Sasuke locked up like this- even if it was for his own good. Then Sasuke started muttering to himself, which caught Kakashi's attention.

"The last Uchiha. Always the last. Itachi's gone. Kaa-san's gone. Sakura's gone. Only one left. Me and Kakashi. Lonely. All his fault... fucking Hashirama. Fucking Uchiha clan. Should've fucking listened to me now the Senju have taken over and this shit happened and made them all weaklings look at him he can't even kill me- dOn'T LOOK AT ME!" Sasuke hadn't even looked up, but he'd sensed Kakashi's eyes on him. Kakashi respectfully averted his eyes, deciding that maybe Sasuke had finally cracked. "Always alone in the darkness. By myself. Green eyes, my light... Now it's so dark."

"Sasuke," Kakashi said, still keeping his eyes on his feet. Sasuke momentarily paused his rambling, looking at Kakashi expectantly.

"Kakashi, sensei- get me Itachi." He said with full conviction. Then his voice dropped. "Said he'd get me anything... should be able to get me Sakura back. Like she never left. She never left-"

"What do you want for your birthday, nii-san?" Okaa-san had enlisted him to find out what his onii-san wanted for his birthday. Sasuke kicked his feet back and forth on the porch merrily, pleased to be included in his mother's annual schemes to discover his aniki's greatest wishes.

"My birthday? That's coming up again, isn't it?" He said with a sigh. Sasuke frowned. Itachi didn't sound excited about it, like Sasuke had thought he would. In fact, he sounded mildly irritated about it. "Hm... you know what I want?"

"What?" Sasuke asked, leaning forward excitedly, eyes sparkling with the setting sun.

Nii-san smiled gently at Sasuke, and poked him in the forehead. "I want you to be happy."

Sasuke pouted, rubbing his head gingerly. "Me? But nii-san, that's not how that works! You're 'pposed ta come up with something for you."

"But that's what I want for my birthday this year, and every year after that. You'll just have to tell Okaa-sama and Tou-sama that. I want you to be happy. I'll do anything for it."

"Anything?"

"Anything."

Sasuke hadn't realized how literal Itachi had been, when he'd said that, considering that Itachi stopped a civil war and annihilated his family and friends so that Sasuke would be okay, and have a chance at happiness one day.

HAH.

"Sasuke," Kakashi interrupted gently, "Itachi is dead."

"No, no," Sasuke chided, as if Kakashi was a small child. "It-a-chi." He said slowly. "My aniki. He told me he wants me to be happy, said he'd do anything to make me happy."

"Are you happy now?"

"Alone in the darkness? No." Sasuke said conversationally, before going back to his mad ramblings. "Haven't seen Naruto. Miss Naruto. Probably hates me. I hate me too."

Kakashi froze. "You want me to get you Naruto?"

"Can he get Sakura back?" Sasuke asked hopefully, his posture changing and eyes glimmering with hope. Kakashi thought he felt a little of his heart break at the sight. Sasuke almost looked like a child again.

"No."

"Then no," he said, tipping his head back to look at the ceiling. His head felt heavy, he decided. "I don't want to see anyone, but I don't want to be alone. What's wrong with me, Kakashi?"

Kakashi sat down again, looking at him with an expression of utter heartbreak. Sasuke recognized that look. That was the look that Itachi had given him that night- before he left. When he was crying about leaving his brother behind.

Innocent. Both of them were innocent innocent innocent innocent innocent innocentinnocentinnocent-

He had stopped breathing again, he realized. He looked forward, and saw that Kakashi was still there, one hand supporting his head. "Are you going to leave me alone?"

"I'm staying until you go to sleep."

"Good luck with that, then," Sasuke dipped his head back, the straps holding him taut so he couldn't fully lay down on the semi-comfortable mat. "I have insomnia."

"Yeah, me too." Kakashi said, and Sasuke peered at him from where his neck was positioned. "Are you hungry, Sasuke?"

"These straps hurt." Sasuke commented, not answering the question, and not asking his own question. Kakashi didn't really know what to do with that.

"They do."

"Get them off me?"

"Will you run away?"

"Run where? I have nowhere to go." No home, no family, no village, no clan, no allies, no friends, no team, no brother, no lover, no Sakura-

He really fucked himself over with the whole, 'cut all ties for revenge' shit he pulled years ago. Kakashi had a right to say I told you so, but didn't. Kakashi didn't talk much, Sasuke remembered. When Sasuke was around the man, he never attempted to fill the silence, he just sat in it peacefully. He did so now, though neither would entertain the illusion of peace.

PEACE IS UNATTAINABLE. HOPE IS A LIE.

Sasuke, oddly enough, heard Madara yelling in his head in the silence. Bloody murder about Hashirama, and his little brothers, and the Uchiha clan betraying him. He was always betrayed. Madara Uchiha was a fucking tragedy.

A tragedy that was also him, Sasuke realized as he shook his head to dismiss a migraine. Madara wouldn't stop yelling- hadn't, since Sasuke had felt his hand go through her body with Kakashi's weapon, Kakashi's tool, Kakashi's jutsu.

"Poetic." Sasuke commented, trying to keep himself together in all the screaming.

"What?"

"That your jutsu killed your girl and mine."

The screaming got worse, and it sounded like multiple voices now. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP- He looked at Kakashi. "Can you not yell? I'm trying to focus, here."

The second voice had stopped, at least, so now it was only Madara.

KILL HIM. KILL YOURSELF. LIFE ISN'T WORTH IT.

"I wasn't yelling, Sasuke, that was you." Kakashi said patiently, though unnerved that Sasuke had gone from letting out a blood curdling scream, to politely asking him not to yell.

Sasuke nodded like Kakashi had said something profound, hardly paying attention.

"Vendetta." He murmured, laughing, because he had completely forgotten what he had said that word for. Now, Kakashi was looking at him expectantly for nothing. Sasuke desperately wanted to remember why he'd need that word- vendetta, because he felt like a failure for not telling Kakashi about it. He started laughing. "Oh my god," he realized, throwing his head back, and letting out all of his mad laughter. "I'm insane."

"You're not insane," Kakashi tried, but not very hard.

"I've been thinking a lot about words that start with V." Sasuke abruptly stopped laughing, crossed his unbound legs, the sweatpants crinkling softly as he shifted. "Vendetta. Validitory. Vindictive. Viridian."

Viridian like Sakura's eyes.

FUCKING HASHIRAMA. ALL ALONE NOW, WE'RE ALL ALONE BECAUSE OF HIM.

"Naruto," Sasuke said, relating Hashirama to Naruto. Kakashi looked at him patiently. Sasuke wondered how much more of this randomness Kakashi would put up with for him- for his student. His mind was crashing, it seemed.

"What about him?"

"He killed her?"

"You both did."

"Yet you're still here," Sasuke drawled, giggling. "Wasting your time on a lost cause."

"Sakura never thought you were a lost cause. She loved you so much." Kakashi commented, almost offhandedly, which made Sasuke snap.

"I know." He hissed quickly, finally getting Kakashi to shut up. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP- He talked too much, then not at all. "I know." He repeated, almost hesitantly, like he didn't know anymore. "If she loved me so much, why did she leave me alone?"

"She didn't want to leave you." Kakashi said, unsure how to continue in a way that didn't sound like he was blaming Sasuke.

"She should've stayed with me foreeeever- said she would, you know. Said she loved me." Sasuke cut himself off, singing some kind of lullaby.

Kakashi watched his broken shell of a student, honestly wanting to cry. Sasuke hadn't broken when his family had been killed. He had soldiered on, even when the truth about his brother came out after Sasuke had already caused his death. Sasuke had slowly been sliding into this break- it had been a long time coming.

But losing Sakura had been the final straw- whatever was left in him was gone now. He was but a shell of his old self. He didn't know if even Naruto could bring back the old Sasuke. He didn't even know what the real old Sasuke had been like. Maybe they would've been given a chance to see what he was like as a kid, before the massacre, if Sakura had survived. Maybe she could've given him peace.

Kakashi watched Sasuke sing loudly, off tune, but rather impressively for his mental state, and knew that Sasuke couldn't be given peace anymore- he could be given quiet.

He'd had a psychotic break with reality, Kakashi diagnosed. Sasuke was shaking, he realized, more than a little concerned. He stood up, and ran to Sasuke's side. His arms were shaking, and he was still singing. Kakashi, not sure what else he could do, unwrapped the man's arms. He fell back into the bed, head still tilted toward the ceiling, though the singing had fallen to a whisper.

"Did you know, that Samurai tradition to commit suicide among the enemy is called Seppuku? Self disembowelment... it can be used to restore honor to oneself or one's family." Sasuke told Kakashi almost absently, still looking up at the ceiling.

"I knew that, yes." Kakashi was familiar with the ritual. Some captured Samurai had requested Seppuku in the old war times, and Minato-sensei always allowed them their honor before death.

Sasuke turned his head to look at him, and Kakashi was stunned to see tears rolling down Sasuke's cheeks, his eyes more sorrowful than Kakashi had ever seen them. His heart felt like it had been broken in two. "It's a beautiful concept. Do you think I could restore honor to my clan and Sakura by committing Seppuku?"

"I think you would honor them more by living." Kakashi said honestly. "Seppuku is partially to commit suicide when surrendering defeat to the enemy- Naruto and I are not your enemy."

"The darkness is." Sasuke said numbly, eyes going back to the ceiling. "Cold, and dark, and alone, and Madara screaming in the back of my head." Kakashi hadn't heard that part before, though he supposed that the times where he breaks out into screams about Hashirama were making more sense. Bipolar disorder? "I would like to die, I think." Sasuke said, making Kakashi inhale sharply. "Too bad there's nothing sharp enough here. Can I borrow a kunai?"

Kakashi didn't know what else he could do, with his heart hurting like this. Sasuke didn't want to live anymore. And it made sense- life had always been unnecessarily cruel to him. Kakashi wanted to HELP his student, and he didn't know how, and it was physically hurting. "Please don't?" He asked, one tear sliding down his face, and more threatening. He'd thought he'd gotten over most of the crying part after Sakura's funeral, alone in his apartment.

Sasuke looked at him, and lifted one of his free hands, sitting up and resting the hand on Kakashi's hair. "Kakashi," he said, fighting for his sensei's attention. "Thank you for everything. You were the only adult that I loved and respected. You were the only one to treat me like a person. Not like a tool, or a child. Thank you for giving me that."

"Sasuke, it was my pleasure." Kakashi said, more tears spilling. Sasuke was crying too. It was just the two of them, crying and remembering, and hurting, and it was pathetic. "I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat," he confessed, wiping his tears.

Sasuke smiled quietly, in a moment of lucidity that he wasn't sure would last. "Even though I'm a walking tragedy that only caused you pain?"

"Of course. You think you're the only walking tragedy? Why do you think Sandaime put me on a team with you?" Kakashi laughed, more tears spilling. Sasuke chuckled a little, before wincing. This sounded like a goodbye, and it was scaring Kakashi. "Is Madara still screaming?" He asked, noticing Sasuke's discomfort.

"Yeah." Sasuke said bluntly. "I'm trying to keep myself here because-" they were both innocent innocent innocent innocent innocent innocent innocent innocent innocentinnocentinnocent- "it's hard to focus when your mind is yelling at you. I think I'm losing it."

"I'm sorry." Kakashi said, resting his hand on Sasuke's again, wishing it would sink through and give Sasuke peace. He'd give his right arm to give Sasuke peace. He'd give his life for his students' happiness.

"I know." Sasuke said, still fighting for clarity. Madara was taking up everything he had, ruining him. He wanted to cover his ears and go 'lalalalalalalalala' until the screaming would go away, but he didn't think that would help.

"How long do you think you have before you go?"

"Go where?" Sasuke asked, sounding calm, even though he knew exactly what Kakashi was talking about and was terrified of it. His own mind was going to swallow him up- press him down, take over his body, and he felt it happening, and he was so scared- "Completely insane? Not long."

So scared.

ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE

"Will you remember me?" Kakashi asked quietly. He hated goodbyes. He hated that he was still crying. Sasuke probably thought he was weak now- Sasuke didn't, but Madara did- WEAKLING, SENJU SPAWN. "When you can't remember anyone else?"

"Yeah. I'll try." Sasuke said, then lowered his voice, as if he was telling Kakashi a secret. "I don't know if I'll come back." That was the truth. Therapy wouldn't help. No amount of punches from Naruto would get him back.

"Will you try?"

"Yes." Sasuke said, cracking his neck a little, to loosen up. He twisted his back, his muscles loosening, before looking at Kakashi and allowing the man to see how absolutely terrified he was. "I don't know if I'll come back." He repeated.

Kakashi's tears streamed faster. Of course this had sounded like a goodbye. It was a goodbye. "I know."

Why should you come back? You're weak, you deserve to die. Let me take over. You're weak. Not your fault, Hashirama's stupid ideals implemented in youth from a young age.

BRAINWASHED SENJU-BELIEVER
Disgrace to the Uchiha name.

Your brother was really something. Killed the whole clan. Had lots of potential, if he wasn't so obsessed with you.

IZUNA

Don't TALK ABOUT MY BROTHER. Sasuke screamed back to his head, making the voice quiet down for a moment, before coming back.

"You promise to put me out of my misery if it gets too bad?" Sasuke asked, in his last moments of clarity. "Madara is violent. Vindictive. I might get violent. I don't want to... hurt anyone, anymore..."

Kakashi watched as the light left his student's eyes. It was like watching him die, he realized. But worse, because Sasuke's body was still here, alive, but he wasn't going to be in there anymore. He didn't know where all this pain was coming from, he thought he was over the bridge, and losing people could get easier. It seemed it was only getting worse.

"Tell Naruto I said goodbye. I wish I had gotten to see him personally, before I went." Sasuke said, last. "Tell him that I owe him everything." Kakashi nodded, knowing that the pain was not over. He'd have to watch Naruto get over both of his friends. How would Naruto handle it? Both of his reasons for living were gone.

Kakashi struggled, but put the straps back on his student, knowing he might need it. Sasuke stopped him with a firm grip on his wrist, making Kakashi look into Sasuke's waning eyes. "Kakashi, thank you."

"Anytime." Kakashi smiled at his student, one last time. He was so proud of Sasuke for handling this so well. He was proud. Kakashi slipped his wrists back into the straps, and tightened them just as Sasuke lunged, growling for him.

"FUCKING SENJU SPAWN! I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD!"

Kakashi dismissed more tears, turning to leave. It was Sasuke's voice, but not Sasuke. Sasuke was gone, now. If he wasn't completely gone, he would be in a few days. Something told Kakashi that Sasuke's eyes had something to do with his losing his mind.

Maybe that was why he'd been trying to rip them out of his head when Kakashi and Tsunade had found him. Them trying to help him might've only hurt him. Kakashi left the room, and shut the door, closing it to the outside world.

He told the nurses that he would be taking care of his student from now on- no one was to go in there. He heard Sasuke's tortured screams- he was screaming Itachi's name. He wanted his brother, get him his brother. Kakashi leaned heavily against the door, catching his breath. What he'd seen in there would haunt him forever. His next stop was Naruto's hospital room.

When he told Naruto the news, Naruto ran through the hospital, to his friend's quarantine, and opened the door, Sasuke had already slit his own wrists using the sharp edges of the strap, and was bleeding out.

Naruto dropped to his knees as Kakashi called desperately for Tsunade.

Thought that I'd feel better, but now I got a bellyache.

Sasuke woke up, breathing heavily, and whimpering. Someone was up with him in seconds, hands on his back.

Sasuke looked at her, while she whispered soothing words to him, over and over again. The moonlight made her pink hair shine, her brilliant green eyes glow. She was ethereal, an avatar of spring. His breathing calmed, but his shock didn't go away.

"Sakura?!"

He had just seen her dead in his arms. She had left him alone, to be swallowed by madness. He searched for the madness in his mind, but it was clear. Healthy. He was happy, he realized. In this life.

"Yes, darling?" As if that was a trigger, Sasuke launched at her, almost tackling the poor woman. She allowed her husband to hug her. She wrapped her arms around his head. "Sasuke, what happened?"

Sasuke shook his head, breathing heavily. Almost crying. He was taking her in. She was alive. He moved his head, and kissed her, all over her face. Her eyes, her lips, her cheeks, her eyebrows, her forehead, her ears... Sakura giggled a little, as he tickled her, but didn't stop him.

Sasuke leaned back momentarily, to see her. She was there. No hole in her chest where his Chidori had gone through. She was alive, and warm, and beautiful. Her green eyes sparkled, the way they used to, filled with love. She looked a little older, but then, so was he. He was missing an arm. Madara was not screaming in his head, he realized. Sasuke exhaled. He felt free, now that his mind wasn't so heavy. He remembered that smothering feeling. But his mind was light and clear, and his thoughts came easy.

He'd gotten better a long time ago- what he'd experienced in the dream, was what he had felt when he was sixteen, coupled with the loss of Sakura. He'd gone on redemption journeys, and done things, and had the chance to love Sakura back. He'd seen awe inspiring, hope inspiring things about humanity that he hadn't seen before.

He'd created a tiny human with this ethereal creature.

He'd been healed, and had gotten his chance at happiness. Happy birthday, nii-san.

And whenever he did have the occasional bad day, Sakura was always there to guide him through it. He was fine now, and better yet, Sakura was fine. He grabbed his wife close, and hugged her, knowing that if she wasn't the entire reason for that, she was at least half of the reason.

"Sasuke-kun, I love you," Sakura said smoothly, a smile on her face, but concern in her eyes. She wanted him to tell her what was wrong, but right now, nothing was wrong. She looked at him, and her hand rested on his cheek. Sasuke nodded, kissing her hand, and closing his eyes, just basking in her existence. She was his anchor, his rock, his soul. His everything.

"I love you more." Sasuke told her. Sakura opened her mouth to contest that, and Sasuke cocked an eyebrow, as if daring her to try.

Sakura just laughed, and Sasuke laughed with her, before Sakura hastily shushed them both. "Sarada's still asleep!" She whispered, hugging her husband to her.

Sarada.

All of his memories came back, the dream having tampered them for a while. His beautiful daughter. His pride and joy, and the owner of his heart. The force of his love for her returned, almost astounding him. He felt better just thinking about her. 

The two of them snuggled together, Sasuke appreciating her warmth and her smell. She somehow always smelled amazing. She was alive, and she could open her eyes by herself, so that Sasuke could see the green. Sasuke wasn't alone anymore.

"Darling?" Sasuke looked at Sakura affectionately. She turned from his spooning position and looked at him with her clear green eyes. Viridian, he decided. Beautiful. "Will you tell me the dream you had that scared you so much?"

One thing's for sure- I won't ever deserve her and Sarada. Not in a million years of good behavior.

Sasuke smiled at her, turning her back around and holding her. He put his lips by her ear, so he wouldn't need to talk loud. "You were gone, and I was alone. I went insane."

Sakura kissed his hand from the arm that was still wrapped tightly around her. "You know I'm not going anywhere, right?" She brought his hand up to her forehead, and he fingered the jewel there, a reminder of her strength.

Sasuke remembered, then, that Sakura had the Byakugou no In. She could've survived that blow- only his imagination was keeping her dead. She hadn't left him. It suddenly made more sense, why she'd launched herself in front of the blow. She could withstand it- Naruto and Sasuke could not. Sasuke had scared himself without even thinking about it. He had driven himself insane. It wasn't his fault, he had no control over the dream, but it was still subconsciously him. He buried his face in her hair, arm curling tightly around her.

"Don't leave me?" He whispered in her ear.

"Never." Sakura whispered back, kissing his hand again.

"I'm going to need to visit Kakashi soon." He told her. "It's been a while." Sasuke owed him, even though it was a dream. "And maybe even that stupid idiot Naruto."

"That's good, darling. I'll go with you. We haven't had a team gathering in a long time."

Sasuke fell into an easy sleep.

Where's my mind?

Maybe it's in the gutter where I left my lover
What an expensive fate
My V is for Vendetta
Thought that I'd feel better
But now I got a bellyache