Title: Lilith

Author: DeeDeeMars

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: [no score – not added to final score]

There are lots of enchanting things about your summary. It's not often I come across summaries written in first person, and the voice you use is strong and immediately captivating, and the things that are spoken about – walking in shadows alone, a punishment, the world falling apart and a prophecy – are all incredibly intriguing and give a wonderful glimpse at all the exciting elements within your story.

I've decided not to score it, however, since it doesn't really follow a traditional summary and I don't think you were intending for a traditional one, either. Because of that, I don't want to talk about the vagueness of the character, stakes and conflict, because I feel like you purposefully made your summary quite mystical but broad. If so, well done! It's definitely enchanting in its own way. 

Grammar: 3/5

This was where I thought you could use the most work – especially in those latter chapters, which were less polished that the first few. But let's go into more detail, shall we?

First of all, dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Have a good night." I told her.

It should be:

"Have a good night," I told her.

Next, let's talk about tenses, because this error is the one that was the most prevalent within your story, and was the main one that disrupted the fluency within your story. You need to ensure that, throughout your story, the tenses are consistent – especially within a single sentence. For example:

I would have become one of them soon if I haven't betrayed them.

If we break it down:

I would have become one of them soon... [would have = past tense]

...if I haven't betrayed them. [have not = present tense]

You must make sure it's consistent. Here are some other examples:

"Lilly, Doctor Dawson send one of his messengers today..."

Since Doctor Dawson had already sent the messenger, it should be:

"Lilly, Doctor Dawson sent one of his messengers today..."

I stilled remembered that night, every single of it cherished in my heart.

It should be:

I still remembered that night, every single of it cherished in my heart.

And one last thing – the difference between breath and breathe. Breathe is the verb, and breath is the noun. For example:

Untamed fear tugging at me, making me breath hard.

It should be:

Untamed fear tugging at me, making me breathe hard. 

Characterisation: 5/5

Instantly, Lilly is a gripping character. I find it so intriguing that she wants people to hate her – and you can feel her bitterness and her despair regarding the history that led her into this position, and all of that oozes in her narration. She used to be so passionate, apparently, but that led to her punishment, and now she doesn't want to be sweet at all – no smiling, no emotion. I think that makes her a fantastic character to follow so far, and leaves plenty of room for development.

And yet, despite that we still feel warmth from her character. She still worries about what people, especially Michael, think, and she has glimpses where she is quite affectionate to even the small things – such as towards that tiny colourful house she has on Earth. Very subtle, but enough to make the characters feel her as more real. Well done in this department! I can't wait to see what you do and how you carry this strong foundation. 

Writing Style: 4/5

Similar to the characterisation department, your writing is incredibly captivating. From the moment you begin, you have playful sentence structures and varying paragraph lengths that keep the chapters fresh and engaging. I love the way you dramatize certain moments, use rhetorical question and personification to make each moment immersive.

Better yet, you take out time to describe the setting purposefully. A highlight for me was when you described that part, describing the big columns, the white stone carvings that made it look like they were walking into the past. Well done!

The only thing I would suggest is fixing up the tenses, as suggested above. With the inconsistence tenses, the story does become a little bit awkward and clunky to read. 

Plot + Originality: 5/5

With only ten chapters so far, it's hard to judge a plot overall because we haven't reached a climax yet. However, I love that you kickstart it with the Black Death, and how it's more than just a virus – it may have something to do with above or below. Better yet, we see Michael return, and there's definitely some tension between them, with her catching a glimpse of him looking slightly jealous as she speaks to Daniel.

I think it's great, so far, how the stakes and conflict are already being drilled into the narration, with even Michael, who is literally an archangel, not being able to protect her. Additionally, I love how it's compared to a game of chess, and how we can see that Lilly has developed to no longer be scared of her biggest fear.

Love, love, loved the twist that Michael had been sent to kill her, but because she is his weakness and his affection for her remained strong, it was stopped. You're off to a very strong start, and I'm really excited to see where you take this story from here and onwards!

OVERALL SCORE: 17/20

Overall, a very promising and impactful start. You just need to polish your tenses and your punctuation when it comes to dialogue, and you'll be good to go. I hope this review helps!