Title: Crown of Roses

Author: ShivSstories

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 4/5

Overall, you have lots of good elements to your summary. I love the quip at the start – I think the rhetorical question, followed by that answer, was clever and a great way to reel in the reader. I also think you've succinctly and effectively introduced your protagonist, a bit of purposeful backstory, and showed us the type of world we will be witnessing. Well done!

I do wish there was more cohesion at the end, however. Maybe show us more about the queen's game – refer back to that initial sentence, and tell us what will happen if she wins or loses to show us the stakes. Also, I love the ancient wicked force, but when you suddenly bring up a war, it feels a little disconcerting because it hasn't quite been alluded to just yet. Maybe show us more about where this war has come from so that there is more cohesion within your summary. Otherwise, good job!

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, your grammar is pretty polished – especially those chapters that have been marked as edited. However, even in those chapters, there are some things to look out for. I've picked out some examples from your novel to discuss:

I gritted my teeth shaking the thoughts from my head.

I would separate the two actions with a comma, like so:

I gritted my teeth, shaking the thoughts from my head.

Next, punctuation and dialogue. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Seph, let's get out of here." I whispered.

It should be:

"Seph, let's get out of here," I whispered.

And now, what about if there's a question mark at the end of the dialogue?

"You, behind that tree, get out of there who are you?" She ordered.

The question mark is actually treated as a sort of comma, so the 'she' should not actually be capitalised. Additionally, the dialogue itself needs some polishing. Consider:

"You, behind that tree, get out of there! Who are you?" she ordered.

Now, let's talk about run-on sentences. Here is an example of one:

I shivered, turning to smile at her, we were waiting for the queen's announcement.

What you have there is a run-on sentence – more specifically, a comma splice. This is because, in that sentence, you have two independent clauses; those are clauses that could be sentences on their own. It should be:

I shivered, turning to smile at her. We were waiting for the queen's announcement.

There are also some overall typos and spelling errors to look out for. Here are some I picked out:

"Beasts were bound with the gods and to have realised one goes against the treaty."

I believe you meant 'released' instead of 'realised.'

"Viv, viv, viv."

He is repeating her name, and names are pronouns and therefore, must be capitalised like so: "Viv, Viv, Viv."

"Let's just get this over with," I said as cldly as I could.

You've missed the 'o' in 'coldly'.

Characterisation: 4.5/5

Okay, so I love Viv, and I love everything you've done with her. A fighter who was once a dreamer. She's so determined, and you show that to us – putting aside her dignity at times to prioritise determination to win, and showing us the way she puts walls up without a crack in her emotional armour. Her development as a character is empowering too – she once felt like it was her shortcomings and upbringing that defined why she was special, but over time, she learns that maybe she's worth something more. And even then, despite all that strength, she makes such an engaging character by doing quirky things that make her a bit more fun – I laughed when she shoved petals in her mouth to prove to herself she was dreaming.

I think the contrast between herself and Seph is great. Poor Seph was a sweetheart (who occasionally goes rogue), always representing the misfortunes others has to deal with as she points out her people starving while she stares at food with tears in her eyes. She wears her heart on her sleeve, which is something Viv both admires and hates, and they juxtapose each other so well – even in fighting, where one has better footwork and the other is great at defence.

And of course, there's the flip between Atticus and Arawn, who are both surrounded by intrigue. Atticus was the most interesting, showing to be caring towards Viv at the start, but then making that end even more shocking where he shows us cruelty by stepping on Arawn's wing. Really good way to surprise the reader and keep us on our toes!

Just be careful for a few moments of telling instead of showing. There were only a few, but they just stuck out because of how naturally smooth your writing was otherwise. For example:

I was exasperated and confused.

Instead of telling her how she's feeling, just show it to us – show it to us through the questions she may be asking herself, or the physiological things she may be feeling as well.

Writing Style: 4.5/5

Your writing was the highlight for me. It was simply phenomenal – you have an amazing understanding regarding manipulating sentence structure and employing imagery to make your story immersive. I loved seeing all the descriptions, such as withered leaves falling like rain or seeing them glitter like liquid emeralds. You keep the fast-paced moments punchy, and you always show us glimpses of your world in your writing without overwhelming the reader.

There were only some moments where I felt like there was a slight jump, but it was very rare. But, for example, that scene with Arawn being unhinged, screaming at Viv about how she was so deprived of human contact:

"...you're so deprived of human contact that you even tried your chances with me! I thought you'd be different Viv, I thought that maybe we—"

"Maybe you what, Arawn?" Atticus smiled.

Okay, so, Atticus has just walked in, but we didn't see him walk in. If anything, neither should the first-person protagonist, so we shouldn't be seeing him smiling if he's behind her like that. Consider putting the dialogue on a line by itself, and then starting the next paragraph with Viv turning around to face him – or change Atticus smiling to a verbal dialogue tag about his voice or the way he spoke.

Plot + Originality: 4.5/5

From the very start, I was hooked in. In fact, in terms of plot, I don't have much to critique because I loved it.

Your world itself is simply fascinating and fresh. I love learning about gods, about The Temptress being the personification of greed, unholy magic, sacrifices required every night for those worshipping certain beings (Aidon, I think?) to keep evil at bay, giants, and even small things like the wedding bands being studded a certain way to indicate when someone is getting married. So many small and big elements combining into this rich story – it was fantastic.

We also have some fantastic moments of conflict and tension, with Viv being grabbed into a dark room with a knife to her throat, the whole concept of 100 eager participants already down to 30 within two rounds – those things really show the brutality and stakes at hand. I don't think I'll ever forget that horrifying scene where the man who had lost his wife was complaining about breaking the treaty, and he was literally murdered by a giant right there and then for calling them out. Chilling, but effective in showing the brutality of the world.

I think your story is also full of fantastic twists that were so exciting – Viv recognising that song with Arawn, Tanith not being human. If there was anything I would critique, it would be slowing down some moments of significance.

For example, when the bright streak falls through the star and it kills Tanith, maybe try out that moment? The death itself felt very sudden for a character that had literally been introduced in the first chapter. I recommend slowing it down, lingering on that death for a moment longer, before then moving on.

Otherwise, really great work here!

OVERALL SCORE: 20.5/25

Overall, I have loved reading and reviewing this story, so thank you for giving me the opportunity to do so! I would just polish up on a few punctuation issues, but otherwise, you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!