Title: Entangled Love

Author: Namas48

Reviewer: Fayesther

Title + Cover: 4/5

I love the title, it fits your story beautifully and it is catchy. Good work!

The cover is bright and colourful. The picture is well chosen and it is pleasing to the eye. The choices of fonts go well and are placed well on the cover. However, I think the writing should be bigger so that it stands out a bit more.

Description: 5/5

The description introduces your story well. You give enough information to get potential readers on board but not too much. I like that you introduce both Zara and Armaan in separate paragraphs, that helped me to get my head around the information I needed to know when starting your story. Good job.

Grammar: 1/5

While reading, I could follow the story, but there was a number of issues regarding your grammar.

I found clumsy sentences here and there where you changed the tense of which your story is written. The majority of your story is written in present tense but there are sections where you slip into the past tense. This can cause confusion when reading. There were also dropped words in some sentences as well as unnecessary words added in others.

An example of an unnecessary word being added is: "His eyes get darken" – both "get" and "darken" are verbs and having them side by side like this is not correct English. The correct way to write this would be "His eyes darken." – This grammatical error was repeated a number of times.

"Only one month is left in my marriage" – this sentence contradicts the context of the chapter. If one month is left in a marriage that means there is one month till a marriage comes to an end. But your characters have not got married yet. Rather than writing "in my marriage" you should write "until my marriage."

I came across sentences where I believe that you started to write a sentence a certain way then changed your mind half way through without making necessary changes to polish it up. Example: "and I couldn't able to bring it." It looks as though you started to write "and I couldn't bring it" but then you changed your mind and wanted it to say "I wasn't able to bring it." Therefore leaving in a confusing sentence.

"What I was just doing?" – the word order you gave chosen here makes this sentence a statement rather than a question. To make it into a question you should write this sentence as – "What was I just doing?" this is a recurring issue within this story. Another example: "Why he is so dumb?" Edited: "Why is he so dumb?"

When talking about cars that are no longer running, the phrase you need is "broken down" rather than "worked up" - you don't use this phrase about objects for it is not used to describe physical mechanics it is usually used to describe a level of emotion. People get "worked up" when they are under pressure and getting stressed.

Writing Style: 5/5

I enjoyed your writing style. Your descriptions were immersive and you brought in culture really well through dialogue, character reactions and beautifully described details.

The physical descriptions that you included flowed nicely within the narrative. Nothing felt out of place or crow barred in. Your description of the burnt egg was so good! I felt like it was served up infront of me!

Swapping point of views of characters was a good choice for this story. Seeing how Armaan and Zainab think and their perspective on the story's situations, as well as Zara, was a great way to build a holistic picture within your story.

I appreciated that you included translations here and there. I found them very helpful.

You included moments of subtlety that brought a realism to your story. For instance, Zara not realising where she has seen Zainab before, was a great moment. The fact that you didn't get her to immediately remember the photograph was a good choice.

My favourite parts of your book were when Zara spoke in her sleep. The grief fuelled nightmare was well written and made me feel so sorry for her and I loved how Armaan responds towards the unconscious words of yearning that he overhears Zara say. That was a beautiful idea.

Characterisation: 3.5/5

Now for characterisation, for the most part you have brought good characterisation within your story. You explain individuals' backgrounds and thought processes well. You also bring brilliant descriptions of their physical appearances.

I do have one issue though. I found Zara's personality difficult to get my head round. It seemed to me that she had two extreme personalities battling each other throughout the story. You introduce her as a doting daughter and a gentle soul, who just wants to please her father. She also comes across as sensible and very innocent leading up to the arranged marriage. She gave me Belle from Beauty and the Beast vibes, which I liked. Then after the wedding, with little explanation she became rude, confrontational and a bit petty at times. She became quite unlikeable. Her personality then resembled Katherina from Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew. Her personalities throughout the story switched back and forth between these two. This, in my opinion, is problematic because he comes across as indecisive writing.

That being said, both of these sides to her (on their own) are written convincingly and either side would work for the story. (Please don't hesitate to message me if you have any questions regarding this. I found it difficult to explain here, I ended up writing and rewriting).

Another thing about Zara that confused me a little was, in the first stages of her marriage, every time Armaan was mean to her she seemed surprised by it and I don't know why she would be for he warned her that if she agreed to marry him he'd "make her life hell" – surely him being mean was inevitable.

Your other characters are developed beautifully. They bring a variety to the story. I love Shaiq's playfulness, I also liked that he's quite vulnerable around Zainab, his cousin. Scenes with him in were fun to read. I also really liked Zainab. It was a great idea to make her respectful and reserved with some people, but with Shaiq and Armaan she was quite feisty. You balanced these traits nicely, showing how people can change around who they are encountering. You explained these personality changes very clearly and in a fun way. I love Shaiq's sense of humour. I also love his loyalty to his cousin. He wants her to be happy and to not get hurt, he doesn't trust Armaan and that dynamic is very interesting.

I really liked how you developed Armaan! You introduce him as an intimidating, hateful man and you carry that one nicely. You then bring subtle moments where he shows his sense of humour and his caring side. I lived for those moments. I smiled every time they showed up! It was really clever to explain that within these moments he forgot himself and he would then quickly force himself back to the reality of his "true" feelings. (I'm not convinced Armaan!) He would dismiss what he did and pretty much run away from the situation. What a fantastic way to communicate his inner conflict. Armaan is my favourite character by far!

Plot: 3/5

Your plot is interesting and has great potential.

I liked the way you started things off. It established your characters' culture very well. You described the scene beautifully.

I did have an issue however with the foundation set for the main story plot – of Zara and Armaan's marriage. For me, Zara's reasoning for having to enter an abusive marriage was questionable. It would make more sense I would think if there were more things at risk if she was to refuse the marriage than just her father being upset. For example, he could be threatened (so it could be more of a modern retelling of beauty and the beast) or his father could threaten to disown her. Another idea could be that her own life could be threatened.

Getting ready for the wedding and the ceremony scenes were entertaining to read. I liked how you communicated the difference between Zara and Armaan's behaviour in public and their behaviour in private. I could see that to onlookers their union would appear to be a happy one. But the reader and the couple know full well what's hidden under those fake smiles. This made the Zara's future seem even more ominous in a way. Great work.

The "food franchise situation" in my opinion didn't quite work. There are a lot of food franchises within cities like New York. Armaan managing to phone them all and also convince them all not to serve Zara seemed a bit far-fetched to me. I do like the idea that she is forced to cook for herself though. There are simpler, more realistic, ways for Armaan to achieve this. He could confiscate her phone for example.

I loved the scenes where Armaan and Zara have more civil interactions. They were well written and brought out great character traits in both of these characters.

I found any tiny moment where Armaan "accidentally" showed his affection towards Zara so beautifully handled. They seemed to come out of the blue, but they were never out of place.

Scenes with Zainab and Shaiq were great! They were full of energy. They bring a great contrast to the scenes of Armaan and Zara's interactions.

I loved chapter eighteen! What a beautiful chapter! It gave such a depth to Zara and Armaan. Zara's true feelings towards her father and her life situation was really well explained! Having her talking in her sleep as a manifestation of her grief stricken heart was a gorgeous idea!

I also think that the story arc of Zara's legal documents is really well integrated and makes your story even more exciting! Not knowing who to trust and whose behind the confusing circumstances, brings a sense of mystery that hooks your reader even more.

Your story plot is unpredictable and interesting. I don't know who is going to end up with who at the end. I also cannot guess what is going to happen next. I love stories that keep me guessing!

OVERALL SCORE: 21.5/30

This is a story with fantastic potential. With lovely ideas that, with some work, would truly make an incredibly complex and beautiful love triangle story. I would suggest hiring somebody to help edit your story to iron out grammatical errors, there are plenty of editors out there that would be more than willing to work with you. Good luck on the rest of your writing journey and thank you for asking me to review your work. I hope that my feedback is helpful.