Title: Wings of Light

Author: NxnsxgnorsDxmon

Summary: 1.5/5

I do like the use of rhetorical question at the end, and how whimsical the language can get towards those latter few sentences. However, in all honesty, I think your summary could use some work because I really struggled to understand it. A lot of the sentences lack appropriate punctuation and the flow of thought isn't cohesive. Let's go through it sentence by sentence, yeah?

After Sister Mary Eunice's death as her identity and the devil which once resided her body, the man of the cloth is more than determined to take in his hands the things in better direction. Jude's committed as a patient to Briarcliff.

The sentence, quite frankly, does not make sense. What was it about her identity and the devil that resided in her body? What 'things' need to go in a better direction? Also, consider changing committed to 'admitted', because that's how we address people being sent as patients. Commit is to do something.

After tough nine months of sandstorm of drastic changes in the former nun through which she has never been ever in her life, Timothy keeps his promise and rescues 2 taintless, precious souls.

You're missing a comma after 'sandstorm', and we don't actually know anything about how she was to begin with – so the whole concept of drastic changes feels a little vague and random. Additionally, who is Timothy? He hasn't been mentioned before. Is he the man of the cloth? Also, rewrite '2' as 'two' for grammatical accuracy. But where did Timothy's promise come from? Again, it hasn't been mentioned before.

Can they help to heal one another even redeem themselves? Or otherwise letting the trials' gravity crush them by being trapped in eternal darkness of vices and holding grudges?

And, finally, while I like the rhetorical questions and how they emphasise the stakes, the main issue is that there is no clear flow beforehand to make the stakes feel powerful.

I think you need to polish your phrasing of sentences, as well as plan out your summary so you know what you want to say, and then you'll be good to go!

Grammar: 2/5

I'm not exactly where to start with this. A lot of what I say here – in fact, a lot of what I have to say everywhere – will end up being repeated in the writing style. So, I will try to keep this as short and succinct as possible. All examples used are directly from your story.

First of all, dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (she as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"...don't figure out who's standing next to the pope." Leigh exclaimed in jeering manner as a hysterical sniffer quivered in the corners of his foul-breathed mouth.

It should be:

"...don't figure out who's standing next to the pope," Leigh exclaimed in jeering manner as a hysterical sniffer quivered in the corners of his foul-breathed mouth.

Additionally, the description following it is grammatically in correct. It should be:

"...don't figure out who's standing next to the pope," Leigh exclaimed in a jeering manner as a hysterical sniffer quivered at the corners of his foul-breathed mouth.

I'm still not quite content with the use of 'sniffer', but I'll be speaking more about this in the writing style section. For now, let's continue with dialogue. Here's another example from your story:

"Because Edwards needs a soother, baby clothes, some toys and," As she was about to resume her utterance, nonetheless, she was cut off by Timothy, who approached the microwave by stopping it as a half a minute has already passed and placing the both bowls of potato soup on the counterplot by equipping them with regular spoons.

When a character's dialogue is interrupted, there are several ways to depict this. However, a comma at the end of the dialogue is not one of them. Consider either using a dash or an ellipsis, depending on how abruptly it was cut off.

Also, looking at that example, there are a few other issues. 'Nonetheless' is not a direct replacement of however and does not quite fit the sentence. By saying 'approached the microwave by stopping it as a half a minute' makes it sound like he approached because he stopped it, not the other way around. Also, avoid using 'by' or 'as' more than once in a sentence – it's a clear indication that you are rambling. More on that in the writing style section.

Make sure you're using the correct forms of verbs. For example:

...whose life was took by the tender, lethal kiss of...

It should be 'taken', rather than took.

Next, tense. Here is an excerpt from your story. I have bolded the verbs in past tense, and I have underlined the verbs in present tense.

The eventual truth was it weighed his guilty conscience for locking up and blindly believing her foes but he wouldn't ever forgive himself as soon as he leaves Judy and Edward home alone when his journey is up to the stores for the prominent baby stuff by returning back at home and witnesses whether the corpses of his former lover with their bastard child or otherwise being wounded, and their bodies are naturally tattooed in bruises and pinkish tints.

The tenses keep switching back and forth between past and present tense. Additionally, that is one long sentence that made little sense to me. I have no idea what that sentence was trying to tell me, and it took me a few rereads to understand that he was just saying that he wouldn't forgive himself if something happened to Judy and Edward.

In other words, you have a lot of purple prose. But, once again, I'll worry about that in the writing style section. 

Characterisation: 2.5/5

It's nice to see that you've considered development in your characters – having the narrator point out that Timothy used to be a pigheaded and selfish man, only for him to eventually become more selfless and caring over time. I also may be biased, but Edward the little baby? He won me over. And no, I swear it's not because everyone kept calling him a ray of sunshine.

Anyways, Jude may be the highlight of the characters. She is a very loving and tender mother, and the nightmares she has adds a sympathetic layer to her character. She can be so sweet and innocent, seeing her torn dress and instantly going, "Did I accidentally tear it off?" Additionally, after all the trauma she goes through, you have pinned a rather accurate representation of what it's like – she blames herself even though she's a victim, she calls herself a whore, and such.

You've used flashbacks to build character, which is nice – I did like seeing Madeline confront her ex and his new girlfriend, because it adds a deeper understanding between reader and character. However, do be careful when you're describing characters. You tend to do a lot of telling, and not enough showing. For example:

...luminous with passionate resentment and nauseous abhorrence...

Don't just tell us her emotions. Make us feel it. Let us see it by describing it vividly and effectively to us.

Also, be careful of how your characters speak. When you use exclamation marks with their dialogue, it makes them sound a very specific way. So, when I see interactions like:

"The cruellest thing of all, Timothy, is false hope!"

"I promise! Good night and sleep tight to both of you! See you tomorrow!"

"Good night, Timothy! Sleep tight too and see ya in the morning!"

Those interactions, to me, make the characters sound pretty much the same, and very overtly cheery. Balance it out with different punctuation, different tones of voice, and different idiosyncrasies.

Next, when you describe characters, do not go overboard with the adjectives. I can understand you trying to weave it into the narrative, but it got to a point where the sentences no longer had a clear purpose. For example:

Struggling to elaborate a sardonically prim, vindictive smirk across his pale-pinkish, thin lips, the young man knitted his light, thick eyebrows to the bridge of his nose while the slightly older lady casted her ocean blue huge, roundish depths spearing innocuous nonplussed the furious juvenile blonde's parchment, femininely youthful complexion and the profusion of unhealthily uneven, bloodthirstily abysmal rubicund blush flustering her well-sculptured cheeks and the sheer manipulation of her narrowed eyebrows, unable to stifle the vehemently bone-chilling fury pulsating into her petite frame and the fiery adrenaline coursing through her very veins.

That above sentence should not be one sentence. It should not be filled with so many adjectives. It should have a point to it, and it should succinctly get to that point. I understand you wanting to be flowery with your language, but it's no longer vivid and mellifluous. It is now rambling. 

Writing Style: 1.5/5

Which leads me onto this section. I don't like giving low scores, and please remember that reading and reviewing is highly subjective. However, your writing was incredibly difficult for me to follow, and it took me a very long time to get through your book simply because it was, more or less, purple prose.

But, before that, let's talk about some positives because there were positives. I love your use of vocabulary, with some very poetic language implemented when you are describing. I loved the way you described daylight to be a reincarnation of a blooming day, with light always being described in a nurturing way that worked symbolically with your story. I do wish you implemented more setting, because I was genuinely confused as to how to envision the setting, though.

A few other things:

...taking with herself 2 souls.

When you're using a number that is less than one hundred, you should spell it out. It should be:

...taking with herself two souls.

Also:

-- An Hour Later –

Why break the narrative like that when you can just incorporate that into the writing? Simply write:

An hour later, Timothy...

I mentioned this in the grammar section, but I'll mention it again because it is important. Let's first look at an example:

Meanwhile Timothy sat on the edge of Jude's bed by transfixing his chocolate brown eyes...

I've bolded the word 'by' for a reason, and that reason is that you are not using it correctly. By using 'by', you are suggesting that he could only sit on the bed because he had transfixed his eyes on the baby. Consider changing 'by' to 'while' in that circumstance.

Finally, the purple prose. It's too much. I adore description, trust me, but it needs to actually be purposeful and make sense. It needs to have a clear intention, and it needs to consist of a single thought, really. For example, here is one sentence in your story:

After the final push of the former holy woman as she has spread widely her legs after pushing and the agonising contractions were tormenting her weary body as its invisible indestructible pan corrupted each body muscle with its scourge of fatigue and excessive pressure, hence, the newborn's child head just popped up from her core as Timothy was the sole visitor in her ward by helping her with labouring as his mammoth, creamy hands scrooped the already born baby as it blubbered incessantly.

Read that aloud to someone else, and see if they understand it. To me, it was rambling. I liked the description, but it feels like one big long run-on sentence with excessive adjectives and no clear purpose to it.

Let's look at a smaller example:

Wry, jubilant chuckle quivered the corners of her oral caverns shortly before scooping a wee pool of the dish by masticating it immediately.

Why use 'oral caverns' when 'mouth' is suffice? Why use 'masticate' when there are simpler words that are more understandable for the reader? Remember: writing quality is never determined by the length of the vocabulary. What matters is how apt the vocabulary is. 

Plot + Originality: 3/5

Your story definitely has an impactful beginning, with a labour to kickstart it all. Overall, your story brings very important topics into view – religion, what is wrong and right, the light and shadows of humanity. In fact, I thought the moment with 'Murderous Santa Claus' summed it up as a symbol perfectly. Whether or not it was a symbol you had in mind, I'm not sure – that's just something I thought was neat. It was also awesome to see sombre angels like Shachath show up – not to take a life, but rather, to offer advice. It makes you question morality and how grey that area is. Great work!

You have some thrilling moments of tension in the story! For example, the date with Cayden that led to a kidnapping? Super chilling, and it was so relieving to see Judy get saved by Timothy and Maddie. However, I found the structure of that kind of strange. For example, it went:

The middle-aged mother didn't know Cayden, probably her kidnapper, was...

It kind of felt like a spoiler regarding what was about to happen. I thought maybe it would have been more impactful if you didn't reveal that so early. Rather, you let the kidnapping occur, and then, when Jude stumbles across the newspaper article about Cayden, as well as the final message from Nora, that realisation dawns on both her and the reader simultaneously. Imagine how thrilling and powerful a moment like that could have been.

That aside, you have good cliff-hangers that are great for readers on this site. The one where Judy is in the ladies' room with that notorious serial killer trying to barge in was particularly nail-biting.

However, once again, the story was difficult to follow and that's because of the writing. I won't go on about that again, but I do recommend polishing it, reading your story aloud, and making sure you have a clear goal with the overall direction of each sentence. 

OVERALL SCORE: 10.5/25

Overall, there are some gripping elements to your story. Make sure you work on keeping your sentences fluent and cohesive, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!