Title: While Her Lips Are Still Red

Author: Fayesther

Summary: [no score – will not be included in final score]

I decided not to score your summary, simply because it's not a traditional summary and it's a little hard to score it. However, I think this is a fantastic way to show what your story is about. I absolutely love the little poem of warning, and the start telling the reader to beware was incredibly gripping. While it may not follow the traditional summary, I still this is a perfect way to introduce the reader to your story. Well done! 

Grammar: 3.5/5

For the most part, you have a very clear grasp on grammar – amazing work! Most chapters were completely polished, and if I wasn't such a grammar-freak, I probably wouldn't have picked anything up. Alas, I am a grammar-freak, so I did notice a few things.

The biggest thing that kept coming up was use of commas. Sometimes, you used commas to separate to clauses that, really, should have been their own sentence. The comma wasn't strong enough to support both clauses as one. For example:

"Rosie leaned against her closed front door, her chest heaved as she tried her hardest to catch her breath."

Those two clauses, really, should just be their own sentence. It should be:

"Rosie leaned against her closed front door, her chest heaved as she tried her hardest to catch her breath."

An alternative, if you wanted to spice up your sentence structure, is:

"Rosie leaned against her closed front door, her chest heaving as she tried her hardest to catch her breath."

Let's go through another example:

"Thank you," Rosie said, her confusion failed to hide itself within her response.

Again, similar to the first example, the comma after 'said' should be a full-stop. That, or you can change the 'failed' to 'failing' to make it flow better.

Next: semicolons. For the most part, you used them correctly. However, there were some instances where the semicolon wasn't quite in an appropriate spot. A semicolon is used to separate two clauses that can work perfectly as sentences on their own, but are strongly interrelated. Let's look at an example you wrote:

"When it came to the opportune time for her to apply her lipstick; Rosie was in her mid-thirties..."

The problem with the above sentence is that the first clause, "When it came to the opportune time for her to apply her lipstick" is not a complete sentence. It is incomplete, and, in fact, requires the part after the semicolon to make it complete. Therefore, it should be:

"When it came to the opportune time for her to apply her lipstick, Rosie was in her mid-thirties..."

Also, be careful when you have punctuation before the dialogue. For example:

Henry's words shook Rosie's insides and her eyebrows slammed down, "move forward," she mimicked him.

The comma before the dialogue isn't quite appropriate, since the clause before it is a completely separate sentence. It should be:

Henry's words shook Rosie's insides, and her eyebrows slammed down. "Move forward," she mimicked him.

Additionally, you had some minor typos. For example, in chapter six, you wrote:

"You might as well leave now, c0ut your losses." – in this example, the '0' in the word 'cut' looked like a typo.

Another example:

"Furthermore, She had only just hunted..." – in this example, the 'she' should not be capitalised as it is not the start of a new sentence. 

Characterisation: 4.5/5

I have to say, Rosie wasn't at all what I expected her to be! Before I started reading, I was expecting a cold-hearted murderer. Instead, I saw that her very first 'kill' was entirely an accident. I love that you have flashbacks showing how she landed in the situation she was in, and the emotions she showed in response to those flashbacks helped paint her in a very sympathetic light. Honestly, I adore the trope of taking who would normally be the 'antagonist' and flipping the story over so that the reader actually grows to love her – well done at executing that so nicely!

It was super interesting to see the way you played on her age. She often acts quite childish, getting excited over mundane things – such as a circus. However, she also shows hints of her oldness as she shows fascination towards technology and smartphones. I'm actually really glad that the reader never hears a specific age – rather, we just see her in modern coffee shops, but also hear her modelling for posters in war-time. I think that makes her character even more timeless and intriguing.

My heart absolutely broke for her and Henry. I thought he was absolutely adorable with his somewhat mocking and sarcastic quips, as well as his playfulness. On the other hand, there were times where I found Rosie a bit moody and hard to engage with – one minute, she's telling the reader about how much she missed Henry's smile, but then she's snapping again and demanding that he leaves her alone. I assumed, whilst reading, that it was guilt making her act like this, or it was simply the darkness fighting the love inside her. However, I think you need to make that more clear, otherwise she just seems like someone who is unreasonably irritable. I think this ties into showing vs telling, which will be discussed soon.

I also loved the subtle characterisation with the old lady. I thought it was very clever that the reader knows that the old lady pointing out the location of the circus is the same lady with the crystal ball eyes, simply by the clues in the description, with the repetition of her hands being described as gnarled. Very subtle, and very clever! 

Writing Style: 4/5

Your descriptions are gorgeous. I love the detail you go into; no matter whether you're describing an ocean breeze or her mother's dressing table, each significant piece of setting is shown to the reader with care. I love the comparisons and figurative language you use, and I absolutely love that it all has purpose – even the dressing table itself is seen more than once, in both flashbacks and the present narration.

Normally, I find excessive detail of hair and make-up unnecessary in stories. However, in your story, and in the way you're trying to show how the darkness (and the vanity that comes with it) is influencing Rosie, it worked. Well done!

A word of caution: be careful with accidentally writing in a repetitive manner. For example, here is a series of consecutive sentences that I found:

"She had not looked at such a thing in so many years."

"She questioned where her mind was taking her."

"She wasn't sure if it was somewhere she wanted to go after what she had just done."

"She slowly and reluctantly picked up the photo frame from the mantel..."

All these sentences came in one clump, and they all have the same structure. "She did this, she did that." This gets incredibly repetitive, and actually disrupts the fluency of the story. I recommend using conjunctions to smoothen out the writing and make it more diverse in terms of structure.

Additionally, when you're describing how characters are feeling, be careful to not tell it too much. Sometimes, it'll be more effective if you show it. In examples like:

"Rosie couldn't hide her anxiety."

It's alright to say that, but make sure you detail exactly how she was failing to hide it. Just add a semicolon to the end and describe it for us – show us her nervous fidgeting or her cold palms. This will help us engage with the characters more. 

Plot + Originality: 5/5

Again, as I loved the warning in the summary, I also loved the prologue – it felt very much like an extension of the summary. It made Rosie out to be this threatening, horrifying figure, but soon enough, we see that she's not really all that bad.

I like the moments of philosophy within your story – the fact that even immortality and youth is not permanent (with the lipstick eventually running out), as well as the idea of how, when it does run out, to maintain it, there is always a cost. It reminded me a bit of The Picture of Dorian Grey, actually! I loved the symbolism of the colour red – how it was once the thing that brought her hope, but eventually, all it brought was misery in the form of blood. Along with this, red is also the colour of love, as well as the colour of the lipstick – both, which we learn at the end, are two opposing forces.

Henry being the one to start Rosie's path to becoming good was a great way to show her development. I like that it wasn't just him telling her to stop, and her instantly complying. It was nice to see that, ultimately, she made the decision for herself. My heart did break, though, when she killed Hannah and the other customer, and for a split second when she dealt with the assaulter, I hoped she would go on a spree where she just went around seducing and killing men who she saw were hurting other women. I like your ending better, though – a lot more wholesome, in its own enchanting way.

Speaking of the end, I like that she hears the words of her parents when she's facing off against the old crone. That was a wonderful and cyclical way to tie the story together, and I love that you finish it off with the most important lesson of all: love, not fear, thrives. 

OVERALL SCORE: 17/20

Overall, an enchanting story with lots of beautiful moments of philosophy. Make sure you work on your punctuation and sentence structure, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!