Title: Unsinkable

Author: RimaWrites

In advance, I apologise if there are a lot of typos. Two of my fingers are bandaged together, so typing isn't all that easy. I was going to try writing this up later, when my fingers were free again, but I couldn't sleep with the thought of not completing a review on time. It's also quickly approaching midnight. So, sorry about typos! 

Summary: 4/5

I think your summary is pretty great! First of all, I think your summary is a great example of how quotations from the story should be presented in summaries. For one, you have a very whimsical and poetic introduction that briefly discusses the characters in a beautiful manner, and contrasting it, the final quote at the end is comedic and in a completely different style. Well done!

Overall, the summary introduces the two main characters in a succinct manner, and shows how their paths collide – great work. You need to polish the punctuation in your summary. For example:

"19 year-old student and waiter Sophie Callister had no idea what she was letting..."

To make it more fluent, it should be:

"19 year-old student and waiter, Sophie Callister, had no idea what she was letting..."

Additionally:

"Asher Grayson was no less than a beast but at the same time no less than a corpse."

To make it more fluent, try:

"Asher Grayson was no less than a beast but, at the same time, no less than a corpse."

Otherwise, great work. 

Grammar: 2/5

I know a lot of your chapters were unedited, so instead of focusing on small typos, I focused on the bigger grammatical errors that you are getting incorrect. This way, you'll be able to know how to fix the mistakes you are making.

As discussed above, you have quite a few run-on sentences due to a lack of punctuation. I suggest reading your story aloud and noting where you pause for the sentences to be fluent; those pauses usually suggest that you need punctuation. Additionally, you have instances of proper nouns not being capitalised (such as names), and the start of sentences not being capitalised. Also, whenever you use a comma, there must be a space after the comma. For example:

"Same by me,Tommy."

That is incorrect. It should be:

"Same by me, Tommy."

Next, tenses. You often went back and forth from past to present tense. For example:

"Living on my own was much more difficult than I thought it would be." [was = past tense]

"I have to do everything myself." [have = present tense]

You need to ensure you stick to one tense.

Now, the biggest issue I found revolved around dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"You look gorgeous, as always." I told her.

That is incorrect. Since "I told her" refers directly to the dialogue being spoken, it should be:

"You look gorgeous, as always," I told her.

Another example:

I shook my head. "do not touch me" I hissed pressing myself to the wall.

There are multiple errors in that above example. You are missing a capital letter at the beginning of a sentence, you are missing punctuation before the closing inverted commas, and you're missing a comma to make the last sentence fluent. It should be:

I shook my head. "Do not touch me," I hissed, pressing myself to the wall.

And, finally, keep the dialogue tag on the same line as the dialogue. Don't separate it. For example:

"You're welcome back any time."

I said, halting my train of thought.

It should be:

"You're welcome back any time," I said, halting my train of thought.

Characterisation: 3/5

Whenever you introduce a character, you make it very easy for readers to make a distinct impression on them. Right away, I thought Scarlett was a sweetheart, I thought Renie was adorable, and Thomas made me feel sick (still does, after that last voice message!). But first: let's talk about Sophie, our protagonist.

Right off the bat, when we're still in the character building stage, she talks about the difficulties of her life – working hard, how she wanted to be independent. And I could absolutely sympathise with that. However, the execution made me lose that sympathy because it almost felt like she was just whining, which felt inconsistent with the hard work she was displaying as a waitress. For example:

"I was living with so much on my shoulders. Two jobs, university problems, guy problems, girl problems, and what not."

The issue? It's told. Not shown. If you developed her by giving us a glimpse of how she is worrying about the assignments, or trying to sneak a textbook on the job, then it would show this. By telling us, it's not engaging for the reader. Also, if you're going to bring up 'guy problems' and 'girl problems', you need to make sure you actually elaborate on them at some point during the story.

That being said, there were moments where Sophie was a very powerful character. I loved that she stood up for herself when Asher was forcing her to strip, and told him that she wasn't just some porcelain doll. There were also moments of humour – for example, when she giggles and wonders about whether Asher had a tattoo on his butt.

However, even that moment of humour felt unnatural because of the timing. She walked into her husband having what I presumed was an affair with Lily, and then Lily is also about to puke, and just moments ago, Sophie was saying how she did not feel good there, and then she giggles to herself, and it goes back to being tense. It felt highly inconsistent, and I'll discuss this more later. But, overall, with characterisation, don't keep making them change moods.

Now, Asher. I'll be honest: I was not a fan at the very start. Of course, that's because he nearly forced Sophie to sleep with him, and he's just an outright jerk. I did warm up to him a bit when he quoted Disney and acted like a child over cookies, and he showed emotional depth by crying, so I'm sure he'll develop more. I look forward to that! 

Writing Style: 2/5

There's this thing in writing called the 'White Room Syndrome', where writers forget to describe the setting, so all of the action may as well take place in a white room. Your story sort of falls into this category, but don't worry – a lot of stories on Wattpad do. I suggest going back and describing your setting more, and really take the reader to the scenes in which your story takes place.

Show us the smell of the baking, or what the restaurant design is like. It's not quite enough to say that they sat beside a French window. You have to give us an overall mood, and this overall mood can help contrast or even correlate with the action happening in the chapter. If you want it to be light-hearted and playful, focus on the cute little colours around the room. If you want to emphasise how awkward the family gathering is, talk about the hushed whispers or the sudden strangling silence.

Additionally, use figurative language. It will help you. Personification, metaphor, simile – they are the tools that writers have to enrichen their writing. 

Plot + Originality: 3/5

The story takes a bit of a predictive plotline. It follows Sophie and Asher on their journey to falling in love, and this is developed quite well – we have them truly despise each other, then we have them slowly realising there may be more, then we see some fondness and openness and vulnerability. Good work there!

However, the mood is, as mentioned above, inconsistent. One minute, it's highly emotional and vulnerable after a fire, then it's hot and sexy, then there's baking and amusement. And, of course, even if we go back onto the affair, or the fact that Asher's family members nearly starved Sophie, we find that those plot elements are basically glossed over.

My recommendation? Every time you introduce a new element to the plot, expand on it. Make sure it is purposeful and leads to a climax. And make sure your story does lead to a climax. Otherwise, keep up the good work!

OVERALL SCORE: 14/25

Overall, a book with some sweet moments of vulnerability and amusing characterisation. Make sure you work on your punctuation – particularly in terms of dialogue – and you should be good to go! I hope this review helps, and I'm sorry if there are lots of typos.