Title: Through Your Eyes

Author: readingkeyheart

Summary: 4/5

I think your summary is super captivating. I love how well you've structured it – it very clearly explains the characters, the concepts, and the conflict to come. I like the use of rhetorical question, and I like how you've varied your structure and included sentences such as, "She's gone, he's here" to really hammer the intrigue home. Well done! I'm very excited to read.

Quick question: is there a reason you're capitalising the word 'sister'? I suspect there is, and that I'm about to read and find out. Also, you have one awkward moment where you suddenly go from present tense to past tense, and it ends up being a bit clunky. Here it is:

"That is, until something very peculiar replaces the grief-stricken life she has led so far." [replaces = present tense]

"The fictional dreamy boy Vera and her sister conjured in the pages of a book has now shown himself to be real..." [has shown = past tense]

I can understand why 'conjured' is in past tense – that takes place before the sister even died. However, it's strange having the same event (the appearance of the fictional boy) recounted in two tenses. It also makes it less fluent and chronological. Personally, I would write it as:

"When the fictional boy Vera and her sister had conjured in the pages of their book shows himself to be real..."

That way, the reader feels like they are reading the events as it happens, and leads to more fluency. 

Grammar: 3.5/5

Your grammar, for the most part, was pretty polished – well done! There were a few things I noticed, so I'll discuss them with you here.

First of all, I pointed out in the summary section that it was odd that you capitalised the word 'sister'. I thought I might find a reasoning to that within the story, but I found that it was probably just a grammar error. Furthermore, you made this error more than once. For example:

"Ana, a close Friend from high school..."

The word, 'Friend', is not used as a proper noun in that instance. Therefore, it should be:

"Ana, a close friend from high school..."

Another thing I mentioned above that I'll discuss here is tense. You were mostly in past tense, but you sometimes moved to present tense. For example:

"I needed Cato." [needed = past tense]

"If Cato were here, I'm certain he..." [I'm = I am = present tense]

You need to choose one tense and stick to it.

Next, let's talk punctuation and dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I'll be there." I said promptly.

That above example is incorrect. Since 'I said' refers directly to the dialogue being spoken, it should be:

"I'll be there," I said promptly.

Also, be careful of run-on sentences! There were sentences that just weren't very clear because they lacked punctuation. For example:

"I recalled the contents of this significant book without even opening it as if Eliza and I had just filled it up yesterday."

That sentence is actually quite difficult to understand. You need to insert punctuation, or even split it into two sentences, for it to be clear and fluent. 

Characterisation: 4/5

So, there's only two short chapters, but I will say that I adore the way Vera handles grief. It felt very real to me, and I loved that even trivial things produced memories of her sister – such as wearing clothes. I liked the way she was scared of the pity and being branded as fragile, and that helped add depth to her character – well done! She also showed glimpses of bitterness regarding the deaths of her mother and sister, which I found effective. There is one thing, however, that made it difficult for me to connect with Vera, but that comes down to the writing style, which will be discussed shortly.

Next: Cato. We didn't get much of him, but from what I could see, he already shows the characteristics that the sisters had written – a little sarcastic and witty, but ultimately, a charming fellow. I encourage you to contemplate also giving him flaws as the story progresses, because, let's face it, it'd be cool to see that even an idealistic fictional character has flaws that we love them for. 

Writing Style: 3/5

At first, I was pleasantly surprised by the language used in the narration. It is very sophisticated and formal, and for a second, I thought we were being taken back to a medieval-esque era due to the writing. But then, I continued reading and realised that the setting (I assume?) is rather modern. Furthermore, the dialogue spoken is also modern – and this is sort of something I would consider looking over.

Since you're in first person, it's almost like Vera is speaking to the reader in the narration. So when her dialogue and her narration feel completely different, there's a discrepancy. I suggest making your narration sound like Vera is genuinely telling a story to a friend at a café or something to really set the tone.

Additionally, be careful of redundancy. For example:

"Hi, I'm Vera," I started yet not aware of who this stranger was but had to be polite nonetheless.

We already knew that Vera was not aware of who that stranger was – she made that quite clear in the paragraph beforehand. You don't need to repeat to the reader that she wasn't aware.

Also, overall, your story lacked setting. I recommend enriching your writing by adding some descriptions to the story; this will also help ground the reader. 

Plot + Originality: 3/5

Okay, again, it's really hard to judge a plot because there are only two very short chapters. Thus far, we have met Vera, we know her dilemma, and we have caught a glimpse of who I suspect is Cato. That, and we've learnt that no one else can see him except Vera (which was a nice way to tie up the second chapter, by the way!). Apart from that, I don't know the story the direction will take – so it's really hard for me to point out plot-holes or anything.

Otherwise, the pacing is pretty good so far. I do have a quick note about a specific sentence, though:

"I wrote down '21' right beside the semicolon..."

In your example, it had actually been a colon that had been used – since she wrote it next to Age: as opposed to Age;. Just thought I'd point that out. 

OVERALL SCORE: 17.5/25

Overall, a pretty solid start! I'm sorry I don't have all that much to say – you only do have two short chapters. Just work on your punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!