Title: The Zodiacs and the War of the Truth

Author: Fallen--Star

Summary: 3.5/5

What an adorable little summary! It introduces the protagonist, a bit of the context and who she is become, it briefly introduces the world and setting, and alludes to quite an adventure – all of this done in a quite light-hearted, succinct manner.

A few quick things:

Where Alice told Avan she was special and destined to go do great things that were wonderfully magical.

That's not a complete sentence. I think you need to link it to the previous sentence with a dash.

Next, you change tense. Your first paragraph is in past tense, and your second paragraph is in present tense. I can see you probably did it because the two paragraphs don't really flow into one another.

Which also brings up my next point: redundancy. The first paragraph tells us that Avan knows nothing of her powers, and then discovers they exist. The second paragraph essentially does the same thing, but doesn't introduce Alice; it just shows how Avan is magical. However, it doesn't quite flow cohesively.

Suggestion? Tell us she doesn't believe in magic. Then, tell us that she meets Alice. Then, introduce her real backstory without saying that she didn't know about magic (since it's already been said).

Then, finally, what is the adventure about? What type of missions do the zodiacs have? Are the missions dangerous? What are the stakes? 

Grammar: 2.5/5

Overall, your grammar could use a bit of work. I noticed that the first chapter was a lot more polished than the third (which is the latest) chapter. Either way, let's break down what I did see.

First of all, tenses. You kept flicking back and forth between past and present tense. For example:

A man, short and chubby was squeezing through the people. [was = past tense]

His red curly hair can be seen even in the midst of that hectic way. [can = present tense]

You need to keep your tenses consistent. Additionally, let's go back to that first sentence we used in the example:

A man, short and chubby was squeezing through the people.

Your comma usage could use some work. There are moments where you're missing commas, and there are moments where you have used commas where they are not necessary. In the above example, you are missing a comma. It should be:

A man, short and chubby, was squeezing through the people.

Next, I found quite a few errors when it came to dialogue. Here is an example that, I thought, broke it down perfectly.

"Hi everyone," She said with her singer like voice, "I'm Pacifica Petrophobe Victor." Such a strange name. Avan thought and her attention drifted off to the boy behind her. He stepped forward with his long legs and touched the back of his black-haired head and started talking, "Hi, I'm Swen Newlands Philip," He said smiling and his black eyes twinkled. A strange name again, like mine, Avan thought.

First of all, when more than one character is speaking, their dialogue must be shown in a new paragraph – this includes when the dialogue is interrupted for a character to think inside their head. Additionally, if the dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag, you don't need to start the tag with a capital letter. It should look like this:

"Hi everyone," she said with her singer-like voice. "I'm Pacifica Petrophobe Victor."

Such a strange name, Avan thought, and her attention drifted off to the boy behind her. He stepped forward with his long legs and touched the back of his black-haired head and started talking.

"Hi, I'm Swen Newlands Philip," he said, smiling as his eyes twinkled.

A strange name, like mine, Avan thought.

Next, make sure you're not forgetting any dialogue tags, because there were a few instances of those. Additionally, watch out for capitalisation of proper nouns. For example:

"It's okay mum," Avan said.

That is actually incorrect. Mum should be capitalised, since it is used as a proper noun in that example. If you were saying 'my mum', there would be no need to capitalise it. However, since you just wrote 'mum', it should be:

"It's okay, Mum," Avan said.

Additionally, watch out for appropriate usage of tenses. For example:

She sawed her mum hurrying to their car.

It should be:

She saw her mum hurrying to their car. 

Characterisation: 3/5

I can't say much about character development, since you've only published three chapters. However, Avan's reaction to Alice's revelation about who she was (about being a true zodiac) was pretty great. Her confusion, her anger – it made her feel very real. Her constant suspicion towards the new transfer students, who turn out to be true zodiacs, also added that layer to realism. She doesn't just immerse herself into her past – she's sceptical and tentative, making her a great protagonist.

Chloe made me laugh quite a bit with her obsession with horoscopes. The irony was very real, and the whole, "Wow, you're such an Aquarius" was very amusing. She reminds me a bit of myself, and I'm hoping she won't end up being a throw-away character now that the transfer students have been added into the story.

Also, question: are the characters influenced by star signs? In that case, I automatically love Pacifica (I am a Pisces, too!), and I'm hesitant to trust Swen. Scorpios scare me. (Kidding! Maybe.)

Anyways, the issue I had with characterisation was that you did a lot of telling instead showing. Furthermore, I didn't feel immersed when it came to your protagonist. And these two points are connected. Example:

"Hello, Avan. I'm Alice Picatric."

Avan was shocked by how this woman knew her name.

"How do you know my name?" Avan asked Alice who was still smiling at her.

She didn't answer her question but smiled.

There are a few issues with the above example. But, in terms of characterisation, it's the "Avan was shocked by how this woman knew her name" – that is an example of telling. Show it instead. It doesn't have to be elaborate or sophisticated. It can just be something physical – freeing, her eyes growing wide, her brow arching (depending on what type of 'shock' you're after). You don't even need to mention the part about the woman knowing her name, because she immediately asks her how she knows her name, anyways. It's redundant.

Also, Alice was 'still smiling' but then, when she didn't answer, she 'smiled'. Consider revising that. How can one smile when they are already smiling? 

Writing Style: 3/5

I mentioned redundancy before, but I'll talk about it more here. Basically, avoid using the same word more than once – especially when it is a noun or a verb. Most of the time, the reader can make the connections themselves. Repetition can make the writing quite robotic and clunky to read. For example:

She opened the front door to their house and went inside to find her mum in the kitchen cooking something.

"How was the day?" her mum Kate asked her from the kitchen.

"It was fine," Avan said. Her mum came outside from the kitchen with a plate of food for her to eat.

You've mentioned 'the kitchen' in every single paragraph. Additionally, you've mentioned plate of food 'for her to eat' – well, the food wouldn't be used for anything else.

Next, descriptions. While you have glimpses of them here and there, make sure you don't make them too vague. When descriptions are vague, it almost feels forced. I like to imagine descriptions are a bit like persuasive essays; if you're going to describe it, you have to follow-up with examples and details that convince the reader. For example:

It was very noticeable but no one cared to get inside it.

Okay. But why is it noticeable? What makes it stand out?

The way she walked, anyone can tell that she was lost in her thoughts and was not paying considering to the stuff occurring around her.

What stuff is occurring around her? How was she walking? Or, if you want to make it more character driven, then what exactly is she thinking about?

Also, rather than using weak and tell-y adjectives, try using stronger verbs. For example, rather than:

Avan said angrily.

Try:

Avan snapped. 

Plot + Originality: [no score – will not be added to final score]

With only three chapters uploaded, it didn't feel right to give a score for the plot – because, really, the first chapter felt more like a prologue (since we hadn't even met Avan yet), and I don't know the direction of the story yet.

However, I do love the concept! As a horoscope fanatic myself (I get sent daily horoscopes), the idea that who you are born as may impact who you become is quite fascinating. I love the glimmers of magic so far, too. Great work!

So far, the story has been pretty cohesive. We have a chapter that, if summed up, lets the reader know that Avan isn't who she seems to be (and we haven't even met her yet!). Then, we have a brief day at school, the moment in the shop and learning of her past (albeit, slightly), then we meet the transfer students, find light flashing from her mark, and discover that – surprise, surprise – the transfer students aren't quite normal.

From here, I'm not sure what's going to happen. Nothing threatening or antagonistic has really shown up, and there are lots of answers that the reader is still awaiting. That being said, best of luck with the future chapters! 

OVERALL SCORE: 12/20

Overall, a promising concept! Just make sure you work on your tenses and punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!