Title: The Year Package

Author: Jumping_Jiminys

Summary: 3/5

First things first, your summary contains some great elements in it – it introduces the protagonist, and, through a rhetorical question, introduces the stakes – which is pretty great! While there is no setting established, the entire summary gives a vague idea of what to expect – there is supernatural stuff, but there also seem to be human-esque elements to it. Well done!

However, I think your summary could use some polishing. Let's look at that first part about Mae, Luna, and Delilah. I'm definitely confused by it; who sighed? Are all the sentences supposed to lead somewhere? And, avoid writing things like '*sigh*' in your writing; weave it into the writing through narrative language. My issue with the first part is that it doesn't lead anywhere, and the names Delilah and Luna are introduced, but never elaborated upon in the actual summary.

A few more things:

...she is highly sorted after.

I think you mean 'sought' – which means, wanted.

Also, in that final rhetorical question, when you talk about 'the men who'll go without' – go without what? Go without her? I think that may need to be clarified. However, I do like the end regarding the money; it makes it clear that there is more to the story. 

Grammar: 2.5/5

Your grammar could definitely use some work. First of all, let's look at an example and break it down from there:

He wrapped his hand around my waist while another ran down my exposed back, I shivered at his cold touch, but my insides warmed as he pushed himself against me the tension in his pants evident against my back.

So, that sentence is a run-on sentence. Basically, a run-on sentence is when you have two independent clauses in one sentence with a comma or nothing to separate them; in this case, since you've used a comma between "down my exposed back" and "I shivered at his cold touch", you have a comma splice.

Additionally, you need another form of punctuation before 'the tension in his pants'. Consider:

He wrapped his hand around my waist while another ran down my exposed back. I shivered at his cold touch, but my insides warmed as he pushed himself against me, the tension in his pants evident against my back.

Next, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I said no." He said firmly.

It should be:

"I said no," he said firmly.

Another example:

"Nonsense," My mother cried.

Since there is a comma, the 'my' does not need to capitalised – it is not the start of a new sentence. It should be:

"Nonsense," my mother cried.

And, finally, look out for words that sound similar but are spelt differently. For example:

"The creases between your eyebrows means your milling over your situation."

Since you were trying to say that 'you are milling over your situation', it should be you're rather than your. It should be:

"The creases between your eyebrows means you're milling over your situation." 

Characterisation: 2.5/5

Okay, so the summary made a lot more sense as I realised that Mae and Delilah are the same person – which was pretty awesome to find out. I also found her rather amusing, with her occasional witty remark and how casual she is about doing yoga naked. A particular highlight for me was seeing her backstory, as it was the first time I felt her as a character; the stress of rent, the family dynamics.

Now, Dominic. In all honesty, I am not a fan of him. I can't make up my mind about him, honestly. After that first chapter, he seems like a douche who needs to be dominant, and, obviously, he is rather animalistic. But then, that contradicts how he helps out with the children's hospital – though, even that might be so that he could get some blood or so that the press can forget the Citalopram failure. Either way, I am not a fan of him, and I hope to see him develop over time!

One issue I had between the two was that they got comfortable really quickly. The banter about them being able to keep up with each other was funny, and while their dialogue is interesting to read, it doesn't feel like the first few chapters even happened. He has been rather rude to her, demanding she shut up when she's just thinking in her head, or being extremely rough with her, and yet, she still tells him that he seems like a good person? I'm confused. He's been nothing but a jerk to her most of the time.

And since you're in first person, I want more from the characters. Let's look back at that first scene, when 'Delilah' is in the bathroom, her eyes watering. Are her eyes watering from the pain? Was what happened what she had been expecting? What was she thinking throughout it all? Don't underestimate the importance of internal monologue. 

Writing Style: 2/5

Your writing was a bit clunky to read, mostly due to the lack of appropriate punctuation and little variation in sentence structure. However, there are some other points I would like to make.

Let's look at the following example:

I pushed a stray strand of hair behind my ears as I watched the dial tick away as we passed each floor.

You have used 'as' twice, which makes the sentence feel really alienating. Consider changing one of the clauses so that you don't need to keep using 'as'. Something like:

Pushing a stray strand of hair behind my ears, I watched the dial tick away as we passed each floor.

Now, description. There is little of it, and when there is description, it feels like you're describing things that aren't necessary. The description of Delilah and how she uses it to talk about how men can request to change eye colour and hair colour? Fantastic. But then, describing the hallway and the calm ambience, but not going on to show us what the actual apartment room looks like? That was weird.

And description is such a great way to show the reader more about the narrator. It can be used to build character; what does Delilah's thoughts on the apartment say about her? She rented out an entire apartment floor – is the apartment up to standard for her? Is it what she is used to? Expensive? Cheap? And why does she keep looking at the view, anyways? Is it a symbol for her wanting to escape? If so, emphasise it.

Plot + Originality: 3/5

Okay, so there are some things I really like about this. I'm a total believer that sex workers deserve lots of love and respect, and so it's always eye-opening to see how controlled their lives can be; with their clients deciding how they behave, the arrangement of their pubic hair, their hair colour, and even their eye colour. And, of course, people paying her to eat burgers? Crazzy.

I think the thing you need to work on the most is slowing down your pace to build up your world and make it more clear for the reader. Nymphs, vampires – I'm super unsure of how any of the mechanics of any of the creatures works. I'm glad you didn't bombard the reader with information, but I feel like there isn't enough to let the reader be immersed into the story.

Example: Dominic can read minds. We know he can read minds; he tells Mae to shut up when she just thinks about something near the car. And since this mind-reading is probably fundamental to him, I found scenes lacked this. Why didn't he use it more often? It almost felt like he forgot he could do that. Since some chapters are in his perspective, make sure you show the reader how it works – and when there are times where it would actually be more convenient for him to use it, make him use it or give the reader a good reason why he wouldn't use it.

Even small world-building things – when there is a small enchantment marking 'A' beneath her breast, what did that feel like? What does it mean? How is it more powerful than a signature signed in blood? Why does she prefer the blood signature?

Overall, the plot is developing at a smooth pace. I'm excited to see how things progress; especially since we have Rebekah after Mae and Conrad after Dominic, and we're seeing Dominic loosen up a bit. Best of luck with the rest of your story!

OVERALL SCORE: 13/25

Overall, an intriguing idea! I suggest working on your punctuation placement, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!