Title: The Thrills of Sky Suzuki

Author: Skysuzuki123

Summary: 4.5/5

In all honesty, this is a pretty fantastic summary. I absolutely love the ending, and how it ties back into the protagonist's name. I also love how you subtly introduce the conflict and stakes, and give us a rich amount of backstory as you introduce Sky to the reader. Fabulous job! I'm very excited to start reading your story.

The only thing is to watch out for sentences that are missing commas to make them more fluent. For example:

"As she reaches her teenage years she enrols into the famous Demon High."

If you read it aloud, it sounds a bit awkward because you are missing a comma. It should be:

"As she reaches her teenage years, she enrols into the famous Demon High."

Another example:

"Follow her and her familiar, a Pheonix called Astoria throughout her high school years..."

Along with a missing comma, I think you also spelt Phoenix wrong (unless, of course, you have another creature and the misspelling was intentional). It should be:

"Follow her and her familiar, a Phoenix called Astoria, throughout her high school years..." 

Grammar: 2/5

Overall, there were quite a lot of grammatical errors within your story. However, since your story is very long and complete, I thought that it would be more beneficial for you if I pointed out the rules that you're getting wrong. That way, you can go back and polish it while keeping these rules in the back of your head.

First of all, and arguably the biggest one because it influenced the rest of the story, is dialogue. Whenever you have two or more characters speaking, you absolutely must ensure that each character gets a new paragraph to speak. Otherwise, it becomes very unclear as to who is talking. For example:

"I'll punch them square in the nose!" Sky exclaimed with a giggle. Her mother chuckled and, with a shake of her head, responded, "If you ever get bullied again..."

That is incorrect. It should be:

"I'll punch them square in the nose!" Sky exclaimed with a giggle.

Her mother chuckled and, with a shake of her head, responded, "If you ever get bullied again..."

While we are on dialogue, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I'm not knocking." The Tadashi stated.

That is incorrect. Since 'The Tadashi stated' directly refers to the dialogue being spoken, it should be:

"I'm not knocking," the Tadashi stated.

Next, you have a lot of simple mistakes. You have random capitalisation of words in the middle of sentences (even when they are not proper nouns), you have missing commas in sentences, and you mix up and misspell words. There were times you spelt 'niece' as 'neice' and even 'Miaka' was sometimes spelt as 'Maika'.

And, along with this, some sentences had subject-verb disagreements. For example:

"The redhead then lead them to his table."

The verb is inconsistent with the subject and the tense. It should be:

"The redhead then led them to his table."

Another example:

"Sky smile wavered slightly."

It should be:

"Sky's smile wavered slightly.

Also, be careful of words that are similar but different. For example, 'your' and 'you're'. Let's look at an example:

"Wonder how your gonna deal with school..."

I think you were looking for "you're" as opposed to "your", since you were trying to say "Wonder how you are gonna deal with school..."

Additionally, let's look at another example:

"She thought allowed, "Why is he so fast?"

I think you meant 'aloud', as opposed to 'allowed'.

Finally, whenever you're using contractions, you need to make sure there is an apostrophe to indicate that you have contracted the two words into one. For example:

"Im coming over."

You need an apostrophe to make it "I'm", which is the contraction of "I am". 

Characterisation: 3.5/5

Okay, lots to talk about here! I love that six-year-old Sky is innocent, but even when she's small, she learns a lot – she learns what acceptance feels like, what it means to be loved, and the many misconceptions that the world made her believe. Better yet, all these lessons that she learnt when she was small were significant things that played a major role in the future chapters and, ultimately, the climax of the story.

Kimoko, Kimoko, Kimoko. My absolutely favourite. Even when she was young, she was hilarious and relatable (though I was a bit concerned that she knew what a paedophile was!). Even as she grows older, she carries that knowledge and snark within her – I was crushed when I thought she was dying. Great work at making me fall in love with her! Miaka drove me off the wall because she was so whiny at the start, but she developed into a more loyal and respectable character throughout the story – so great work at character development!

Let's talk Satan. In all honesty, I was expecting someone big and scary and terrifying, but I got someone who nearly fell off his chair when his daughter told him she might be a hybrid – I love that. I love the way you changed my own misconceptions.

Now, as for his daughter? I loved seeing Sky's bravery as she took on the people attacking the underworld, and I love how she always carries a sense of naivety through the chapters until her past unravels and we hit the climax. In fact, I suspected that her second power was air – after all, she carried a sense of naivety and lightness that contrasted the fire and boldness within her. Also it made sense because, when she was painting, it would be air that would send the flames spiralling out of control. Anyways, I love her determination and selflessness – even with a sadistic demon trying to kill her, she was brave and held strong. Her relationship with Kaito was also very playful and sweet.

As for Shea, I did find her terrifying. But, honestly, I couldn't help but sympathise with her because she lost so much – which was what made Sky's decision to not fight her in the end impactful, I guess. More on this later! As for now, well done on constructing a complex and thoughtful villain.

Okay, now, the friendship and 'group of seven'. I think their friendship is super sweet; even in fire moments, they have the time and love to call each other Tomato Head, or swear in Spanish. However, they weren't all that distinct. Part of this was because it was always very unclear who was doing/saying what because of the paragraphing errors (that were discussed in the grammar section), and part of it may be due to the writing style which made them all sound very similar to one another.

Additionally, be careful when you're introducing too many characters at once – there were moments where I felt overwhelmed and struggled to get my head around each character. Slow down the pace when introducing new characters – that will help the reader a lot. 

Writing Style: 2.5/5

I'll start with the positives: I absolutely love your change of pace as we moved into the climactic part of the story. I love how it became so character-driven, with internal monologue everywhere, and I absolutely loved the dramatic use of incomplete sentences and one-sentence paragraphs. Excellent job!

Now, overall, the story lacks professionalism. Rather than writing, 'next morning', and then launching into the dialogue, you need to properly describe it and weave the time shift into the chapter. Even by starting the new section with, 'The next morning, Sky..." is much more professional and fluent.

This goes on to setting as well. Rather than just stating 'sparring grounds', show it to us and make us feel the tension or heat of the moment. You spend a lot of time describing clothes that aren't relevant – do we need to know that Sky is wearing an over the shoulder, blue-fuzzy sweater with white jeans, sneakers, and hair braided into a crown? Does it contribute to the mood or the story? If not, don't focus on it too much. 

Rather, focus on the setting! Make us smell and feel the magic and blood and demonic energy. When fire is used, make us feel that fire. When ice is used, make us feel the cold. Furthermore, is there a cost to using the elemental powers? Surely, the characters must feel something when they are using it – do they feel a change or tingle in their blood? Does their own skin crackle? Show us the mechanics of the magic.

Also, when characters yell – and they yell a lot – don't just capitalise it. It makes them all sound the same. Try to give each character their own idiosyncrasies and nuances that will make their dialogue recognisable and unique to them.

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

I have to say straight away: you had truly unique methods to show the reader Sky's past – such as videos/documentaries in class. I also love the elemental magic and quirks with your stories – I love the concept of hybrids, I love how even the wolves have either ice magic or earth magic, I like how certain clans originate from certain places in the world.

To be honest, though, the pace felt rather bumpy. We had quite a few filler chapters – one where we just have characters forcing each other to go shopping – that led to basically nothing. Towards the start, in fact, the story didn't have a clear direction. However, once the clear direction did come about, the story showed a clear beginning, climax, and resolution – and that was where I really started to enjoy myself.

First of all, Kimoko's 'death' totally caught me off-guard (thank goodness she didn't actually die!). It made the climax more emotional and emphasised the stakes, and you had some beautiful lines within those intense moments that made it all the more satisfying. You should absolutely try framing the quote, "The bitter cold always extinguishes the flames. So, let the ashes fall."

Now, let's talk about the climax. We are about eighty-two chapters in when this happens, there is a huge build-up (there's even a count-down within the chapter!), but then... we're kind of cheated out of an epic battle. And, considering there were some great moments of action previously, I did feel a little ripped off. I know what you're thinking – if Shea and Sky started fighting, it wouldn't have made sense. I understand that – it's weird going, "I want to help you, but first let me fight you."

However! There could have been this beautiful moment where Sky unleashes everything she has learnt and there is an epic fight. Then, Sky drives Shea into a near-death position, and even though she has the power and position to kill Shea, she chooses not to. That would make Shea shocked, no doubt, and that would lead to an intimate moment where Sky explains – while they are in close proximity to one another – that she just wants to help. I thought that would have been beautiful because we still see Sky wanting to help, but we get to see Sky use up the magic she has mastered over the past eighty chapters.

That being said, the epilogue wrapped it all up beautifully. We see friendship flourish, and we get a reinforcement of the development of all the characters – Michiko becomes more confident, Miaka becomes bearable, and we link back Sky to her significance and purpose. Beautiful work, and congratulations on finishing a story! It's no easy feat, and you've done a great job. 

OVERALL SCORE: 16/25

Overall, a pretty epic story with lots of flair and fun. Just work on your grammar and punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps! Sorry that the review is so long – I tried to be succinct, but it's never easy to shorten a review for a completed story with so many chapters.