Title: The Swiss Murder

Author: MahaTaqi

Summary: 4.5/5

Simply fantastic. I nearly forgot to write about this section of the review because I just wanted to get on with reading the story. I think it's fantastic how you introduce the summary with the context that led to the murder/suicide, I like how you subtly introduce the setting, and then move on to introduce the protagonist and the stakes. Your summary is pretty much perfect, in my eyes. Well done!

One very small note:

Join Detective Levi, a sharp and extremely skilled individual to get to the bottom of this mystery.

You are missing a comma. It should be:

Join Detective Levi, a sharp and extremely skilled individual, to get to the bottom of this mystery.

Otherwise, fantastic work!

Also, I don't usually mention covers. However, I must say, your cover is simply stunning. 

Grammar: 3/5

Your grammar is pretty good, however, there were definitely a few things I picked up on – especially where dialogue is involved.

If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Need a break from my family." Scarlett said while getting up from her position.

It should be:

"Need a break from my family," Scarlett said while getting up from her position.

Make sure your punctuation marks come before the closing inverted commas. For example:

"Be realistic, Emma", she thought.

It should be:

"Be realistic, Emma," she thought.

And make sure there is a space between the closing inverted commas and the tag following it. For example:

"What are you doing for Christmas this year?"Scarlett asked Emma.

It should be:

"What are you doing for Christmas this year?" Scarlett asked Emma.

Next, watch out for tenses. There are times where you fluctuate from past tense to present tense. For example:

They were all gathered in Emma's room, urging her to hurry up before the leave her alone and go downstairs to eat.

If we break it up:

They were all gathered... [were = past tense]

...leave her alone and go downstairs to eat. [leave, go = present tense]

Next, proper nouns. When words such as 'mum' and 'dad' are being used as proper nouns (as in, that is what replaces their name), then they must be capitalised. Basically, if you say, "Mum did this", you need to capitalise it, but if you say, "my mum did this", there is no need for a capital letter. Example:

"...especially since mum and dad aren't going to attend."

It should be either:

"...especially since Mum and Dad aren't going to attend."

Or:

"...especially since my mum and dad aren't going to attend."

Next, run-on sentences. When you have two independent clauses in a single sentence, adjoined by a comma, it is considered a comma splice. For example:

The sun was almost set now, it was his favourite time of the day.

You can change the comma into a period, semicolon, a dash, or turn one of the clauses into a dependent clause for the above to not be a run-on sentence.

Overall, some editing and polishing needs to be done. For example:

Emma hunched over, covering her mouth, trying to stop her tears show and cries echo in the hallway.

The above sentence is not grammatically correct. Do you mean:

Emma hunched over, covering her mouth, trying to stop her tears from showing and her cries from echoing in the hallway. 

Characterisation: 3/5

Characters play such a big part in your story, considering that one of the main characters is the murderer – and even the reader is oblivious to who. But before we talk about the five friends, let's talk about our star detective: Levi.

He is unlike any detective I've read about, which fascinated me. He's not afraid to upset others, he can use vulgar language whenever he pleases, and he has no qualms being blunt to the five who have just lost their friend. However, we do see glimpses of him developing – like how he turns soft in that final conversation with Carter and begins to doubt his own theory, which was fantastic.

However, from the very start, I struggled to believe he is one of the best detectives – or a detective itself – because I wanted to see his experience shine more. There is no doubt about it; he is clever and worked out things that made my jaw drop, but I would like to see more moments where he compares this case to his past cases – moments that make his theories feel grounded as they come from experience.

I like that all characters, except Levi and Charlotte, leave the reader feeling suspicious. Even Mark and Ella – who didn't know Eric apart from their one encounter over breakfast, who are acting hostile and fake respectively.

However, as for the five friends? They did not feel distinct enough for me. I think the thing that bothered me the most is that I knew they were adult characters, but they acted like teenagers to me. When I first met them, none of them felt distinct at all – except Eric who, due to his anxiety, stood out to me. I suggest slowing down the pace and really look out how you can make their dialogue and interactions more distinct.

Also, watch out for telling and not showing. Even simple examples like:

Which made Eric and Emma highly competitive towards each other.

Don't tell it to us – show it to us, and then show us why. Throughout the story, I did not see that competitiveness much at all (I mean, poor Eric did die very early on), so that sentence just felt out of place to me. 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

Overall, your writing is smooth and easy to read. Apart from a bit of telling instead of showing, it's quite engaging. What is great is that you've maintained a very quick pace, which usually sits well with mysteries. However, since it's such a character-driven mystery, it won't hurt to slow down the pace a bit to flesh out your characters and highlight their individuality.

Next, when you describe the setting – which is great – try not to break away from the narrative to describe it. Don't step away from the characters just to describe the hotel (unless executed in a way that makes it feel intentional), and try making these setting contribute to the atmosphere, mood, or characterisation. For example, it was great seeing the way Levi described Emma and Scarlett, because it showed his detective roots and how he naturally tried to study people.

Overall, your story does lose its descriptiveness after the prologue, which is a shame because the luxury and festivity of the setting could really juxtapose with the plot points to create a haunting mood. Right now, as the reader, I never really feel like there was a murder that took place.

Also, watch out for consistency. You describe the hallway as eerie in the prologue, but then you say that 'a scream disrupted the peace and serenity of the floor'. If the floor was eerie beforehand, then I perhaps wouldn't go on to suddenly say that it was peaceful and serene because that's inconsistent.

Additionally, make sure your sentences are clear to read. Here's an example:

The contrast between the brightness in her room and hallway was too much and it took her a while to adjust to the dim lighting in the hallway.

The use of the word 'hallway' twice in a single sentence makes it awkward to read, and also, you may need a few words to make that first part clearer. It doesn't hurt to avoid less formal language, too, and just say something like, the darkness in the hallway was so much inkier and thicker than it had been in her room, and it took Emma a while to adjust to the dim lighting. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

I already mentioned that I think the pacing is a bit too fast, and that character interactions aren't as milked out as I would like them to be to make the characters more memorable. However, I do love the ongoing tension that clings onto the reader from the very start with the structure of the story; starting from the murder, then backtracking to how we got there. Then there's also the niggling feeling that something bad is going to happen, on top of the fact that Eric wants to tell Emma something but never gets the chance to do so.

I also like that anyone – literally anyone – could be responsible. Emma would have the best motive with the multimillionaire business on the table, Scarlett literally laughed out loud when Levi suggested it was not suicide (which is odd to do in a time of grief), Carter is in love with Emma and sneaking into Eric's room, and Anthony being to one who knows about the medication.

There was a sound amount of foreshadowing within the review – I'm glad the anxiety was hinted at from the very start. However, I do wonder whether there should be an earlier mention of how Benzodiazepines do not mix with alcohol; otherwise that is revealed in the same chapter as the reveal of Carter being the murderer, and it may be more clever to foreshadow something like that. Even a brief sentence – perhaps even a joke or a throwaway line by one of the characters before Eric takes the drink.

The method of the death is incredibly clever. And, better yet, I think it's great that Carter is framed by Levi, but even the detective finds himself deciding that he needs to ask some follow up question. I can't wait to see who the real murderer is! I suspect Emma (even though she cried the most and was the first to see the body), though that flashback with Scarlett does make me wonder. I could also see Carter not instantly telling Levi that it wasn't him just because he does love Emma and wants to cover up for her. That's just my thoughts.

Anyways, great work! 

OVERALL SCORE: 18/25

Overall, a wonderful premise – I'm such a sucker for mysteries like these. Make sure you work on your punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!