Title: The Shadow of Time

Author: 1Dark2Shadow3

Summary: 3/5

I really like that you started your summary with the definitions! They help set the tone and genre in a subtle way, and because it's so rare to see that these days, it definitely captures the reader's attention. Great job. Just a quick note with the definitions, you've formatted them like:

Shadow – is the block of light.

Shadow Wielder – is a human that can control the shadow.

You shouldn't really be using the dash to separate a complete sentence. Here are two options:

Shadow Wielder – a human that can control the shadow.

The second option is:

A Shadow Wielder is a human that can control the shadow.

Onto the actual summary. I quite like the ambiguity, and you do include some of the essentials – the protagonist, a bit of background on her, the fact that she has a hidden identity to uncover. The rhetorical question at the end is a nice way to emphasise the stakes. Well done! I do think, however, that you've been a bit too ambiguous. For example, when you talk about 'something is destroying the flow of their world' – make flesh that out. What's so bad about this? How is the flow being interrupted?

Also, the transition between certain paragraphs aren't too smooth. In the first paragraph, you introduce the protagonist and her memory. Then, you say, 'something is disrupting the flow of their world, and they aren't prepared to face it' – so far, you have not even mentioned who 'they' or 'their' are. You've only spoken about a 'she' (your protagonist). It might be smoother to say that something is disrupting the flow of her world, or at least have a quick sentence before this that introduces who this 'they' are.

Also, with the inclusion of the excerpt – I like that it doesn't include major spoilers, but consider polishing the grammar and punctuation before you use it as a hook for your story. More on this in the next section! 

Grammar: 2.5/5

Overall, your grammar could definitely use some work. Don't worry, though – I'm here to break down the rules for you.

The most important error that I kept finding throughout your work was a change in tense. You were mostly in past tense, but every now and then, you fluctuate to present tense. For example:

She can feel the atmosphere binding... [can = present tense]

She clutched her chest... [clutched = past tense]

And, again, in the most recent chapter, we had:

I closed my eyes. I feel dizzy. [closed = past tense, feel = present tense]

You need to make sure that your tenses are consistent throughout your entire story.

Next, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"A bit afraid." I said hesitantly.

It should be:

"A bit afraid," I said hesitantly.

Similarly, in the following example:

"Well, I want you to forget all your stress for now because I'm going to start out lesson!" her smile seemed plaster in her very face.

It should be:

"Well, I want you to forget all your stress for now because I'm going to start out lesson!" Her smile seemed plastered onto her very face.

As you can see, I also changed the tense to keep it consistent. In fact, you often did have subject-verb disagreements within your sentences. For example:

His voice wake my already sleeping system.

It should be:

His voice woke my already sleeping system.

Next, contractions. Whenever you are taking two words and contracting them into one, you must have the apostrophe to indicate this. For example:

Its uncomfortable.

'Its' is a contraction of 'it is'. It should be:

It's uncomfortable.

Another example:

"Im done doing that."

'Im' is a contraction of 'I am'. It should be:

"I'm done doing that."

Overall, your story needs polishing. You have run-on sentences, sentences not beginning with capital letters, you use the wrong words sometimes (using scope instead of scoop when she is scooping up some dust), and you sometimes spell your character names incorrectly (sometimes it was Michelle, sometimes it was Michele). I encourage you to go back and revise this. 

Characterisation: 3/5

I think Blame makes a great protagonist. She is clearly not perfect – we see her struggle against Michelle when they fight, and even her group members acknowledge that they more or less have to babysit her. She still shows determination, though, and I love her teasing and selfless nature. It was sweet to see her running to save Hail without really thinking about it, and it was also quite heart-warming to see the way she won't tell other people her problems because she thinks they have their own issues.

The concept of her memory loss is also pretty good. I wish you dabbled a bit more into this – I would adore moments where she's trying so hard to remember how and why the accident happened on her own, and it'd be really awesome to see how that would be described. What is it like trying to retrieve memories that aren't there? That'd be a nice concept to cover.

I am struggling to create distinct impressions on each character (besides Michelle, of course, who feels very much like a bully – I wonder if there is more to her antagonistic nature?). I think this may be a pacing thing, and the fact that the characters don't quite have enough idiosyncrasies to set them apart. However, I do find it quite amusing seeing Blame mentally slap herself for stuttering every so often. Well don in creating a loveable protagonist.

One thing I noticed is that you scarcely say character names. This can be so incredibly jarring, and sometimes led to me having no idea who you were talking about. For example:

I could see the other group on the other side of the field, they were on a tight circle. Hmm! Maybe, they want to ensure that everybody was within their vision. Reigna's plan I think?

I glance in my side and was shocked to see him staring at me, "You'll be safe, that's a promise!"

There were a few issues in that example. We have a comma splice, we have a lack of commas here and there, but the part that is relevant to this section is that we have no idea who the 'he' is. Because of the previous paragraph, it suggests that it is Reigna, but it can't be Reigna because Reigna is a girl.

And, finally, make sure you are showing and not telling. For example:

He seemed so angry.

How? What made him seem angry? Show it to us. Mottled red cheeks? Clipped voice? Show it to us. Make us feel his anger.

Another example:

She looked at us soothingly and I'm just amazed at her breathtaking personality.

That's a really ambitious thing to say – especially since we don't even know that Blame knows her entire personality. We, as the reader, don't know her entire personality. I would streamline it more – tell us that Blame adores her calmness, perhaps, or her willingness to listen. 'Personality' is too open and too vague. 

Writing Style: 2.5/5

First things first, you do not need to bold dialogue. The quotation marks are enough to suggest someone is speaking. Also, avoid redundancy in punctuation marks. You don't have to write:

Shem!!!!

I know she's panicking and cursing, but a single 'Shem!' would suffice. Additionally, don't underestimate the impact of a period. Sometimes, the sober, quiet curses are just as impactful.

You have some nice moments of imagery. I adored the way you compared the sun rays to a toneless melody. I wish you carried this throughout the rest of your story, rather than just the first few chapters. Also, do be careful when you're trying to structure your sentences in a more complex style – it often leads to jumbled up sentences, such as:

Yet rumble groaned as footsteps ruined the silent concert of the wild.

Sentences like that don't quite make sense, and are hard to decipher.

Also make sure that you are using vocabulary correctly. For example:

I simpered a fake laugh.

To simper is to smile (smugly). So, you more or less wrote, "I smiled a fake laugh" – which doesn't quite make sense.

And, be careful that your sentences aren't too repetitive, as it makes the story less engaging and less fluent. For example, here are a bunch of sentences – all in a row in your story:

She stood.

She flicked her hand...

She started attacking...

She looked up...

She clutched her stomach...

She removed the knife...

She watched as red...

That's a lot of 'she did this, she saw this, she [verb] [filler]'. I suggest changing it up a bit more, by using conjunctions and such. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

I love, love, love your concept! We have moments where we go back in time – more specifically, one hundred and seventy years back in time. Learning about the past and the competition to decide who takes the throne was fascinating. We have shadow fighting, and I loved the concept of closing your mind and clearing your thoughts so that your opponent doesn't know what you're thinking.

And the plot itself is moving in a logical manner. We have secrets starting to unravel, we have a child in Blame's soul – one who was supposed to be dead hundreds of years ago. This is great! Keep it up!

Make sure you slow down the pace and build your world. Describe it for us. Even the mechanics of the shadows – when they fight by wielding their shadows, what does it feel like to them? Are there consequences? Does it drain energy? Let us see the way the shadows stretch and waver, let us see the energy and focus it takes. That way, your story will be more immersive. 

OVERALL SCORE: 15/25

Overall, an exciting premise involving shadows and mystery. I encourage you to look over your grammar and punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!