Title: The Prince of Nowhere

Author: jinnyhawkins

Summary: [no score – will not be added to final score]

Your summary is just an excerpt from the story, so I chose not to review your summary. However, you have chosen a relatively interesting excerpt – one that perhaps shows an overall theme within the story, and hints at the direction of the character development. Just a quick note, though – if you are going to use an excerpt from a story as your summary (which is a pretty popular choice on Wattpad), make sure the grammar is completely polished. For example:

"You want me to tell you," She said slowly...

It should be:

"You want me to tell you," she said slowly...

More on this in the grammar section, though! 

Grammar: 3/5

Interestingly, the first few chapters were a lot more polished than the later chapters. In the later chapters, the paragraphing style changed so there was less space between the paragraphs, and also, your punctuation marks were constantly in incorrect places. For example:

" I'm sorry," The words, dripping with loathing, slipped past his teeth before he could reign them in." I think you meant ignored."

The inverted commas should be attached to the words within the dialogue. It should be:

"I'm sorry." The words, dripping with loathing, slipped past his teeth before he could reign them in. "I think you meant ignored."

You'll notice that I also changed a comma to a period instead. That was another error you made throughout the entire story. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I'm sorry." She said breathlessly.

'She said' directly refers to the words being spoken. It should be:

"I'm sorry," she said breathlessly.

You also have misplaced commas, or sentences missing commas. For example:

But over the last year, Chris had come to know certain things, that he wouldn't have believed if..."

You don't need the comma after 'things.' It should be:

But over the last year, Chris had come to know certain things that he wouldn't have believed if..."

Another example:

"Wake up Nathan will you."

In that example, you are missing a comma. It should be:

"Wake up Nathan, will you?"

Also, I added a question mark at the end. In fact, you tended to have a lot of questions missing their question marks. At first, I thought it was because you were trying to make characters such as Chris and Fang sound dry and sarcastic, but there were examples where I thought a question mark was necessary. For example:

Who in their right mind lived in New York and actually still bought that junk.

I would replace the full-stop with a question mark.

Next, the name James. Sometimes you wrote that his name was James, and sometimes you wrote that it was Jame's. Then, in some examples, when you were using the possessive apostrophe, it looked like this:

Jame's heart sank slowly.

Assuming that his name is actually James, it should be:

James's heart sank slowly.

Or, it can also be:

James' heart sank slowly.

Next, be careful with contractions. For example:

"Its done."

In that example, you are writing 'it is done' – but you are contracting the 'it is'. When that is the case, you need the apostrophe to show it is the contracted form. It should look like:

"It's done."

Along with these, you just have quite a few errors within your chapters that need polishing. For example:

... as weeds pulled themselves selves desperately out of the cracks...

You can remove the 'selves' since you already wrote 'themselves'. Another example:

His voice came out loud than he'd intended.

It should be 'louder', not 'loud'. 

Characterisation: 4/5

You're only six chapters in, and characterisation is clearly one of your strong points. From the very start in the prologue, I felt Chris as a character, and his sarcasm made me simply adore him. I'll never forget: "Should we talk about the one-year-old we've kidnapped?" "Please, shout louder." In fact, overall, your dialogue is fantastic, engaging, and very well suited to your characters. I also lost it when Rose promised to listen in the car and then completely snaps – those great moments of humour were a great way to draw the reader in.

I also love Fang and his friends – their dynamic is clear and written so charmingly. We have Jo the peacekeeper (who finds everything out of his comfort zone), Aiden the feisty one, Nathan the... sleeping one? And we have Fang.

Fang, I think, is a fantastic protagonist. He is a good balance between all the characters, and while he is less inclined to fight than Aiden, he has his snapping point – and seeing him fight when Evan made the cruel joke about the foster kid family made the reader sympathise with him, rather than disconnect. Great work! I also loved reading about what a smartass he is – making the tables turn onto the principal when Rose came in. It's also great to see that he has both a winning trait which can also be a flaw – and that is his inability to turn away. I love it – great work.

Be careful of showing vs telling in characterisation. I'll talk more about this in the writing style, bur here's a general example:

"Mrs Smith?" Nathan said, sounding frightened.

Don't tell us he sounds frightened – consider showing it to us. Did his voice shake? Were his eyes wide? What made it clear that he was frightened? By doing this – and ensuring that each character responds differently to fear – it leads to more distinct characterisation.

Writing Style: 3.5/5

In the first few chapters in particular, I fell in love with your descriptions. I loved the way you showed rather than told, and I liked how every description felt in character to whoever was describing it for us – whether it be Fang or Chris. There was a very professional feel to the writing, and there was a great balance between dialogue and description.

Though you only have six chapters uploaded, I do feel like I'm losing that balance a little bit – there seems to be a slightly overwhelming amount of dialogue. My guess is that you're building your world through expositional dialogue, which is why there's a bit more dialogue.

Though, with dialogue, do be careful about your dialogue tags. For example:

"It's... adorable," Fang said dreadfully.

Try not to be too extra with the describing words. How does one say words 'dreadfully'? Also, try to include some diversity with the dialogue tags – or, don't hesitate to not include them at all. For example, here's an excerpt from your story:

"That is why no one likes you," Fang said exasperatedly.

"Did you guys see me before the half-time?" Nathan said eagerly.

"We saw." Fang said amusedly.

See how the all end with [character] said [describing word]? All in one go? It's okay to not include verbal tags at all, as long as it is clear who is speaking. Or, instead of 'said amusedly', find a word that matches that – for example, 'he mused' words just as well, and takes away the repetition.

Plot + Originality: 5/5

It's pretty hard to gauge the direction of the plot right now, especially since you've only published the six chapters. However, there is definitely an underlying sense of suspense throughout the chapters – and it's great that the reader has a lot of unanswered questions and a lot more to learn about the world. That's what will keep them reading more while the stakes are introduced clearly.

Also, I loved seeing the characters from the prologue return to interact with the kids! I didn't think I'd see them ever again until the end, so that was a nice twist to include – I remember grinning to myself as Rose stormed into the principal's office.

Overall, I'm excited to see where your story goes from here now that the boys are learning more about the 'aliens.' Keep up the great work! 

OVERALL SCORE: 15.5/20

Overall, a promising start (with a gorgeous book cover!). Make sure you work on polishing your grammar and punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!