Title: The Phantom Princess

Author: MinecraftFan11

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

As it turns out, I did have time to do one last review over the weekend. I'm sorry that you didn't get the reviewer you initially requested – I've made it my resolution to try helping out the other reviewers with their lists whenever I find the time to do so. I hope that's not too much of an issue!

Summary: 4/5

I'm actually super excited to start reading this story based on your summary. You have al the right things – you introduce the protagonist, you introduce the conflict, and the setting is very clear. I like that you've contrasted Tattiana's mundane life to the paranormal secrets that seem to be happening in the hometown. Since I am being nit-picky, I encourage you to add in some stakes. It doesn't have to be long; when you mention evil ghosts around town, maybe mention what would happen if the evil ghosts are not defeated.

Additionally, watch out for awkward phrasing. In the sentence:

... she comes into contact with her hometown's largest secrets: the ghosts from her hometown's old mythology are real.

The repetition of the word 'hometown' makes the sentence awkward to read, and the fact that you mention 'secrets' but only go on to state one of them makes it even more clunky. Consider revising some of the phrasing to make the summary even more fluent. 

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, your grammar was pretty good. There were, however, a few consistent mistakes that you were making throughout the story, so I thought I'd discuss them here.

First of all, the most glaring issue I found was related to punctuating dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Gee, I took the whole week guessing.", Tattiana replied with sarcasm.

It should be:

"Gee, I took the whole week guessing," Tattiana replied with sarcasm.

Next, make sure that your tenses are consistent. For the most part, you are in past tense, but you sometimes change to present tense even when you're in the same context. For example, in one paragraph, you had the following two sentences:

The tale she and her friends choose for the school project... [choose = present tense]

But there was a small detail... [was = past tense]

You need to make sure that your tenses are consistent.

Additionally, watch out for proper nouns. When words such as 'mum' and 'dad' are being used as proper nouns (as in, that is what replaces their name), then they must be capitalised. So, basically, if you say, 'Mum did this', you need to capitalise it, but if you say, 'my mum did this', there is no need for a capital. Example:

"Of course, mom.", Tattiana said.

Since you're saying 'mum' instead of 'my mum', it should be:

"Of course, Mom," Tattiana said.

Next, just watch out for the way you are present words and your placement of commas. For example:

Caroline said, with a mockering laugh, as she suddenly came in, followed by her minions, the redheaded twins.

Read that aloud and do a brief pause at every comma. It sounds a little awkward, right? That's because you've included commas where there is no need for them. Also, consider changing 'mockering' to 'mocking', which is the correct use of the adjective. It should be:

Caroline said with a mocking laugh as she suddenly came in, followed by her minions, the redheaded twins. 

Characterisation: 3/5

Since you've only published four chapters, I can't really tell you about how smoothly character development is being handled. However, I can tell you about my impression of characters – particularly Tattiana.

I think she makes a very solid protagonist. Her reaction to the paranormal things happening around her felt realistic at first (and slightly humorous), and her calm, mature, and sarcastic approach to everything is always engaging to read. I like that she's constantly sceptical about Espectra – and always wondering whether she is falling into some sort of trap.

I did find, however, that her courage is building a bit too quickly. In chapter two, she just properly acquaints herself with Espectra and the whole concept of saving her world from evil ghosts, but in chapter three, in the Elevator of Gloom, she's yelling out, "I'm going to protect my home the best way I can!" Considering how sceptical she initially was, this felt a bit forceful and rushed. It's her second ghost encounter. I think it might have been a bit too forward for her? It certainly felt a bit too forward to me. Also... she's twelve.

Additionally, you do a lot of telling instead of showing when you introduce the side characters. For example, when we meet Caroline:

She was the typical preppy girl, with dirty blond hair held in a high ponytail, diamond-shaped earrings, fake blushes, light pink lipstick, and high-heel purple boots, combined with a sassy, classy but bratty and moody personality.

Not only does it blatantly tell the reader that the character is a personification of a stereotype, but it's also telling, telling, and more telling. You shouldn't need to tell the reader that she is bratty and sassy – we should be able to work it out on our own by watching the way she behaves and interacts with Tattiana.

Another example:

Ashley was the tallest of the group, and slightly stupid, but a social butterfly.

Okay, but don't tell that to us. Show it to us. We can work it out for ourselves when she forgets what a library is called. Or, we could see that she is a social butterfly by having her interact with lots of people, rather than just her two closest friends. 

Writing Style: 2.5/5

Your writing was smooth and easy to read. There were some nice catches of description when it came to Espectra, which was great! However, there were a few things I noted.

I'll start with setting, because there was minimal of it. While I enjoyed the description of the ghosts, I think you could have added to the overall mood by giving us hints at what the setting looks like – emphasising each thing that feels eerie or unnatural, in a way to contrast the rather mundane life that Tattiana initially lived.

Also, please avoid the following:

"*yawn*... another Friday!"

"*shivers* They wanna go."

"*chuckles*, ok dear.", Ms Sewell said.

For the sake of professionalism, remove the words in the asterisks and weave that into the narration. That last one can very easily be:

"Okay, dear," Ms Sewell said, chuckling.

In that example, the exact same tone of voice is suggested, but it is presented in a professional manner.

Also, whenever you're describing the way someone is speaking, make sure that it actually makes sense. For example:

Espectra said, with a vague hint of focus.

I'm unsure of what you mean by 'a vague hint of focus'. I'm sure you had something in mind that you were trying to convey, but it's not quite reaching out. How does one speak with a vague hint of focus?

Finally, make sure your sentences are consistent. For example:

For a reason no one could truly understand, after meeting Tattiana, Caroline declared herself to be the 12-year-old's mortal enemy, due to the simpler interests and lifestyle of Tattiana contrasting against her love for fashion and makeup.

You say that there is a reason no one could truly understand, but then, you went on the explain that reason in a way that could be understood. If you want to keep the 'for a reason no one could truly understand', consider removing the reasoning. 

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

It's quite difficult to score a plot when there are only four chapters uploaded, but I thoroughly enjoyed a few elements of it – especially since I just reviewed another ghost story last week, and both stories took completely different directions.

I love some concepts a lot, such as Espectra travelling with Tattiana but only in the darkness that comes from the satchel. I love how the assignment given in the history class almost mirrors the main events of the plot, so there is a good reason for Tattiana to be learning more about the gothic mythology. And now that we've seen Hydrangea, who is determined to become queen of the phantoms, I'm excited to see where the story goes!

Just a note: I am a firm believer that, when magic is written in stories, we shouldn't just see the magic come out with all its beauty and grace. We should be able to know how the character feels when they use the magic. So, when Tattiana shoots out the purple and ghostly looking flames while wearing the cloak, I want to feel the magic sing. I want to see how she feels on the inside, and the mechanics underpinning it. Since it's fire, does she feel the heat prickle her own skin? Does she feel fire spiral down her own arms, or ripple through the cloak? Otherwise, the use of magic ends up feeling easy and convenient.

Anyways, I can't wait to see where you take this story now that you've introduced your antagonist and protagonist. Best of luck! 

OVERALL SCORE: 16/25

Overall, a thrilling premise! Make sure you work on your punctuation when it comes to dialogue, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps, and I'm sorry that you didn't get the original reviewer you requested! I hope that's not too much of an issue.