Title: The Coldest Summer

Author: Geegervy

Summary: 3/5

Your summary is very succinct, but still effectively shows the character, as well as the conflict that will begin to arise, so well done! The genre is very clear, I like the rhetorical question at the end, and the progression of ideas is great.

However, there were quite a few things I noted. First of all, if you're going to include an excerpt from the novel, make sure it is grammatically correct (I'll discuss this further in the next section). In fact, your whole summary needs polishing. First of all:

When Kira Jones finally decides to take a six-week summer vacation; her best and only friend Samantha drags her into a trip out of California where her life takes a serious turn.

Your use of semicolon is incorrect, as the first clause is not an independent clause. For the purpose of fluency, you should surround 'Samantha' with commas, and you should add punctuation before the life taking a serious turn. Consider:

When Kira Jones finally decides to take a six-week summer vacation, her best and only friend, Samantha, drags her on a trip out of California – where her life takes a serious turn.

Then:

She meets a mysterious Ranch owner whom her...

Ranch does not need to be capitalised.

What would win in the end between power of love and friendship?

By saying 'would', you've suddenly reverted into past tense even though the rest of your summary is in present tense. You need to keep it consistent.

Also, I think it might be beneficial to highlight the stakes – a short simple line that says what will happen if things go wrong. Does Kira risk losing her best friend? It might be worthwhile to have a powerful line that shows that she is torn between love and friendship.

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, your grammar wasn't too bad. Reading your story was very easy, and the fluency wasn't impacted heavily by errors. However, there were definitely a few moments where the reading experience was slowed simply because of errors. Don't worry – I'll go through some of them with you.

First of all, dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"They're my guests, not yours." Liam replies.

It should be:

"They're my guests, not yours," Liam replies.

Additionally, you have moments, as mentioned in the summary, where you switch tenses from present to past. For example:

I interrupt her PG-rated talk. [interrupt = present tense]

Frankly, I only wanted to spend my six weeks at home. [wanted = past tense]

Make sure your tenses are consistent.

Next, let's talk about capital letters. You seem to be a little all over the place, and sometimes, they seem like typos, but other times, they don't. Let's look at some examples:

I grab this adventurous novel, The journey to the centre of the Earth...

As it is the title of a novel, all words that are not just connecting words should be capitalised. It should be:

I grab this adventurous novel, The Journey to the Centre of the Earth...

Next:

"I'm Julian, by the way." he jumps the fence.

Since the dialogue correctly ends with a period, as it is not followed by a verbal tag, the narration needs to begin with a capital letter. It should be:

"I'm Julian, by the way." He jumps the fence.

Another:

"Oh, Great," Sam answers.

Since 'great' is not the start of a new sentence, nor is it a proper noun, it should be:

"Oh, great," Sam answers.

Let's also go over run-on sentences. When you have two independent clauses stuck together without any punctuation between them, you have yourself a run-on sentence. For example:

In the background I hear 'I wanna grow old with you' by Westlife I usually love melancholic songs, but now that I'm into trouble myself, they bring me too much of a heartache.

That entire sentence not fluent. You're missing commas, and there are two independent clauses that are stuck in one sentence. It should be:

In the background, I hear 'I wanna grow old with you' by Westlife. I usually love melancholic songs, but now that I'm into trouble myself, they bring me too much of a heartache.

Apostrophes are net. Let's look at an example first:

"Oh, you've decided to stop being selfish and think of other's too!"

By using the apostrophe and writing "other's", you've written "other is". You need to remove the apostrophe, and it should be:

"Oh, you've decided to stop being selfish and think of others too!"

Next, be careful of words that are similar but are not actually the same. For example:

Sam is sitting by the pool, taping her cellphone.

'Taping' is like, recording through a video-tape, or using duct tape to tape something. It should be:

Sam is sitting by the pool, tapping her cellphone.

And there were typos here and there. Unfortunately, I couldn't list them all (sixty-four chapters is a lot!), but here are just one or two that I found:

I'm sweating badly, which reminds me to hate the summer than I already do.

Do you mean 'more than I already do?'

I should explore everyplace I can afford.

Everyplace should be every place.

Characterisation: 3/5

We'll start with our protagonist, Kira. I think she has some great moments – she's very relatable to readers, being a literature fan. She also has some beautiful moments where she showcases loyalty; for example, she is very defensive of Sam, and asks Liam why he's playing so hard to get with her and challenging him when he refers to them as 'guests'. Even as she's falling hard for him, she always puts her friend in the forefront, which shows her caring nature.

Let's talk about Sam a bit, because this is where I had the most problems. First, though, the positives – I like what a stark contrast she was to Kira, not believing in a 'Romeo and Juliet' sort of thing and living life in the moment instead. However, considering the first half of the story revolved around the ultimatum of choosing between Sam's friendship and Liam's love, I feel like we didn't see enough of Sam and Kira's friendship.

I wanted more intimate moments between the two girls. For example, it was nice when things slowed down and Sam confessed that guys only wanted her for her body – that more deep, melancholic conversation was great. However, there was an overall lack of warmth whenever Sam was discussed – it almost felt like the narrator just did not really like Sam. It always describes her as babbling, or complaining, or even uses words such as 'tantrum' around her.

Basically, I found myself unconvinced that Sam and Kira were best friends. Consider having more moments where Kira realises she has to hide her feelings, and consider having her talk to the reader about how strange it is to not have a friend to consult with. I mean, sure, there were some nice moments where she told Liam about how she didn't want to leave Sam alone when she was young and nearly adopted by some Italian couple – but I want to see their love for one another through scenes between them.

I also found it kind of amusing when Liam pointed out that they were acting like they were fifteen, because... they were. It was odd remembering they were adults, especially when Sam became so antagonistic when she found out. I can understand her sudden reaction, but gosh, the antagonism dragged on for, what, twenty chapters (until Kira was officially forgiven?). I think what we needed is more stakes – more reasons why Kira wouldn't tell her. Maybe Sam has something she is struggling with from the past? Maybe they have history where Sam has been rejected before and Kira remembers how awful that time was (not very Sam, though)? I wish Sam had more complexity as a character, because she was the one who fell flat.

Anyways, it's great that Sam and Kira do eventually become friends, even if it is after Kira and Liam were in a rough patch. It led to lousy movies, which is always fun. I also loved the comparison where they are Spongebob and Patrick, and how the roles reverse over the course of the story.

I should probably talk about Liam. He's alright, and his banter about frog-stomachs with Kira is sweet. I won't lie – I've reviewed enough books that I've seen someone like him before. The alpha male who is mysterious, seductive, sarcastic, musing. I did feel like their relationship did progress very quickly. By chapter ten, he's already holding her, kissing her, and telling her that he's losing her mind over her. And there are fifty-four chapters to go – which means there isn't that much space for their initial attraction to grow.

I think the issue is that there wasn't enough internal monologue. Whenever there was a transition of mood, it was sudden because I didn't quite feel the transition myself. For example, when she and Liam have that fight and she's like, "Are we breaking up?" And he responds, "We don't have a relationship to break" – she suddenly snaps. It's understandable, for sure, but all of her anger was shown through the dialogue alone. I just wish there was internal monologue so I could see what thoughts she was having, how she felt, how that must have felt like a blow to the gut. It's a bit jarring to the reader.

I'll talk about this more in the next section, though, because... wow, I'm already at 2000 words. 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

I mentioned it before, I'll mention it again: internal monologue or narration. I felt like there wasn't enough of it, and these are the reasons why:

Setting. I don't feel like I got enough setting, and whenever there was setting, it felt vague. It was beautiful in the first chapter in the dream, but then it thinned out. When Kira walks around the house, across the laws, seeing the horses – what are the smells? Sounds? I would love to see some figurative language. I want to be taken there. When they kiss, what does that feel like on the inside? When she's angry, what does that simmering rage feel like?

Be careful of not telling and showing instead. For example:

She looks over-the-edge this morning.

We've just met this character for the first time. How would we know she's over-the-edge? What gives it away? What is it about her face that gives this away.

And, also, be careful of redundancy. For example:

"You said it's all within the Darcy's property and safe, right?" I stress my areas of concern.

You don't need to say 'I stress my areas of concern'. We can blatantly see her stress her areas of concern in the dialogue. It feels repetitious and redundant.

Speaking of repetition, be careful of using the same expressions too many times. In Sam and Kira's fight, Sam is described as laughing nine times. Once it gets obvious, it gets weird. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

Overall, you have some beautiful and light-hearted moment throughout your story. It was funny comparing Mr Darcy to, well, Mr Darcy (readers will get it!), and I genuinely was smiling to myself when Kira decides to strip and swim because 'no one comes to the river', only for Liam to literally come there.

I also like how well you've tied everything up. I just adored how the dream at the start was relevant, and how Kira realises that Liam may have been the one who had that car accident when they were young – meaning that, yes, they sort of did know each other from their past! And with Eleanor not being Liam's real mother, and all the final pieces coming together, the couple felt bound more strongly and let to this beautiful and cyclical moment where the nightmares came to a stop.

The ending, in fact, was beautiful, with Kira reflecting on her life. I almost wish she wrote it in a diary.

And yes, I mean that diary part and there's a reason for that: the big moment with Sam returning the charger, finding the diary, and realising Kira's feeling is a turning point in the story. And yet, I feel like the concept of the diary and Kira writing her entries in wasn't foreshadowed enough. I think, after each significant moment (or even each chapter!), it would be beneficial to write a short few sentences of Kira summarising her experience in that diary which Sam eventually finds.

Anyways, my advice regarding plot? Keep every moment purposeful. Do we need to see Kira go and get Old-Benny back when it contributes to close to nothing? 

OVERALL SCORE: 16.5/25

Overall, congratulations on completing a story that ties everything up so beautifully! Make sure you work on polishing your grammar and punctuation now, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!