Title: The Cataclysm

Author: ShirozouElric

NOTE: This review contains extensive spoilers, as well as correct speculations of what happens in chapters that haven't even been published by the author yet. If you are interested in reading this story, please avoid the plot and characterisation sections of this review.

Summary: 3.5/5

You've got quite an interesting summary! We have a rather vague opening sentence that introduces some of the concepts in a dramatic manner, and then we introduce someone who created the conflict (the war). This then leads into the introduction of the protagonists and their quest. I like the cohesive manner in which you introduce them, and the conflict is incredibly clear.

I do wonder, though, if you could perhaps flesh out that final paragraph more. What are the stakes? What will happen if they fail? Who even are they? Are they just random villagers, or is there something in particular that made them the ones to go on this quest?

Also, make sure all your sentences end with full-stops! 

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, your story is easy to read. However, the grammar and punctuation could use some polishing.

First of all, the biggest issue I found involved your tenses. You kept fluctuating from past to present tense – occasionally, this happened in a single sentence. I know that, in some instances, you jumped to present tense because you were telling the reader about the character's personality, but that should still be done in a tense consistent to the rest of the story. For example:

He spaced out and thought about his future. [spaced = past tense]

Though he puts up a frivolous façade, deep down, he's the complete opposite. [puts, he's = present tense]

You need to ensure that your tenses are consistent. Another example:

The scream of his friend Raynard still rang in his ears and the sight of his mother, hastily barging into the kitchen, that's one sight he can never forget.

There are a few issues within that sentence (for example, it is a run-on sentence). However, if we focus on tenses alone, it looks like this:

The scream of his friend Raynard still rang in his ears... [rang = past tense]

... that's one sight he can never forget. [can = present tense]

Once again, you need to ensure that the tenses are consistent.

Next, you need to make sure your nouns match the rest of the sentence – particularly involving singular and plural forms. For example:

"These two gentleman are the highest..."

Since we are talking about 'two' people, the noun should be in plural form. It should be:

"These two gentlemen are the highest..."

Next, let's talk about contractions. Whenever you are using a contraction, you must use the apostrophe to indicate that it is a contraction. For example:

"Lets help Dad!"

Since you were using the contraction of "let us", it should be:

"Let's help Dad!"

Another example:

"Ill tell you every-"

Since you are using the contraction of "I will", it should be:

"I'll tell you every-"

Additionally, watch out for dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I didn't want to give some stupid speech in front of everyone." replied Gerard.

It should be:

"I didn't want to give some stupid speech in front of everyone," replied Gerard.

And finally, you need to look over some of the basics. You have sentences missing full-stops, questions that don't end in question marks, and capitalisation of words that don't need capitalisation. Additionally, you have quite a lot of run-on sentences here and there – so please revise those. 

Characterisation: 3.5/5

The first note I had in this section was that you did a lot of telling and not enough showing when it came to characterisation – but this was especially prominent in the first few chapters. For example, when we first met Shirozou, we saw:

Though he puts up a frivolous façade, deep down, he's the complete opposite. He laments the fact that his adopted parents died...

And it moved onto a list of the things he lamented. It would be far more effective to withhold this information from the reader and let them work it out for themselves. Don't just tell them everything about him – we should be able to slowly but surely learn about whether his frivolous attitude is genuine or not.

Also, initially, I found a lack of connection between myself and the characters. For example, when Shirozou makes up his mind to give up his life and soul for his empire – that is a massive deal. And yet, I didn't feel it. It felt forced. I didn't understand why he felt so strongly for his empire in that moment. Of course, it made more sense later on, when we found out that, due to the whole archangel fiasco and the grudge between Phoenix and Vespa, it was affecting him so that he wanted to overthrow Zark. Still, though, I want to be able to feel that slightly – perhaps a pull in his gut? Something in his heart? Make us understand his decision.

That being said, later on, you had some excellent moments of subtle characterisation. For example, when Alexandria only moves away from the pool of Olivia's blood just so that it didn't touch her boots – that was perfect. It showed exactly how she felt about Olivia, about her lack of empathy in the moment. When she tries to reject the offer in that same chapter, I felt and understood her decision – you showed us that she just wanted a good and normal life for her family. That was fantastic. Good work!

Gerard, Gerard, Gerard. So, the constant repetition of the prostitute comment made me a tad bit bewildered, but of course, it was all foreshadowing for the fact that his mother was a prostitute and Al is closely tied to his mother. Additionally, I found him very odd because his blindness seemed inconsistent. For example, the line:

To his surprise, the man barely flinched.

My first thought was: how could he know that the man flinched if he is blind? Then, of course, I messaged you and you clarified that he was, in fact, not blind at all. I think the foreshadow – as well as the dialogue hinting at it – was effective, but a little too obvious there. Otherwise, seeing his backstory and his promise to his mum made me sympathetic towards him (despite his occasional snappiness).

Overall, you have a lot of characters and a lot of names. I'll talk about this a bit more in the plot section, but do be wary that an overwhelming number of characters and names can be disconcerting for the reader. Try to slow down the pace if you're going to introduce so many, and try to ensure that each one has more idiosyncrasies. 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

I know you asked me to only pay attention to the writing style after chapter fourteen, so I did that. However, there was a pretty big error that I caught throughout the entire story that I quickly need to talk about. While I love that you didn't keep using dialogue tags every time there was dialogue, it sometimes was very unclear who was speaking because of your paragraphing. For example:

"Let me be your eyes?" chuckled Gerard as he loosened the grip on his sword.

"You should corny as fuck. If you were really created by the so-called top scientists, you should know I'm aware there's a goddamn battleship genius."

"Yes, I do, but since I was..."

Because of the lack of dialogue tags, it was very unclear that the second paragraph in that excerpt was also spoken by Gerard. I suggest adding a dialogue tag to clarify this, or do this instead:

"Let me be your eyes?" chuckled Gerard as he loosened the grip on his sword. "You should corny as fuck. If you were really created by the so-called top scientists, you should know I'm aware there's a goddamn battleship genius."

"Yes, I do, but since I was..."

Also, please don't overuse capitalisation to show that characters are yelling or distressed. If you use it rarely, then it's great and impactful. When it's overused, it loses the effect. Don't be afraid of italics, or simply using description to show the intensity.

Also, be careful of punctuation that doesn't quite match the tone of the narration. For example:

"What for?" she asked?

The narration shouldn't be confused, so you shouldn't have a question mark.

Another note: avoid using adverb that can easily be replaced by a stronger verb. This both ties into telling instead of showing and vocabulary. For example:

"Hold your horses there," said Alexandria angrily.

Instead of 'said angrily', why not replace it with 'snapped'? Hissed? Or a more meaningful verb?

Anyways, I will say that your imagery was simply gorgeous after chapter fourteen. I loved, loved, loved seeing the way you began to manipulate sentence structure more playfully. Additionally, seeing the way Elric described his feelings by using images such as shattering glass and a decapitated head – that was truly stunning. Keep up the great work! 

Plot + Originality: 4.5/5

I really did enjoy the back-and-forth nature of the story, with the number of days to The Cataclysm being the biggest indication of where we are. It's a very creative approach to story-telling, and I quite enjoyed being kept on my toes. There were some chapters that felt a bit out of place with the structure; for example, in chapter nine, we were led directly into chapter ten, which was The Requiem of Creation (which felt like a big prologue about the world). Then, the next chapter is them talking about that fairytale. I wonder if it should just be one chapter, since the break just feels rather awkward?

I also thoroughly enjoyed the bits of philosophy woven into the story – particularly about how the world is neither black nor white, but grey. There were also some nice little twists throughout the story, such as the failing of the interview turning out to actually a ploy – and that they were all to be in a secret faction instead. Of course, great work with the intensive amount of foreshadowing that will eventually be executed later in the story – and best of luck with that execution!

Be careful to incorporate realism – particularly in those action-packed scenes. When Gerard does a somersault kick to a soldier's skull, what does that feel like? Surely, he would feel some sort of impact, too, of course.

Additionally, you have a lot of characters and their backstories being introduced – Alexandria and Alexander, a bit of Alexa, Elric, Gerard, a bit of Randel – and I can't help but wonder whether we need to know them all just yet? Or whether the pace could be slowed down a bit more to introduce them in a way that is more memorable for the reader? Most of them came through the narration, and I wonder if some could even be spoken about through dialogue.

Also, lots of characters – as mentioned above. I think you should consider having smaller, more intimate scenes every now and then between a small number of characters, rather than a bigger portion of the cast. This will help the readers feel more connected to each character. Also, each character in each scene should serve a purpose in their dialogue – if they have no purpose and you find that their dialogue is there for the sake of reminding the reader that they are present, consider removing them from the scene.

Finally, the plot overall is very enticing! I love how things that initially don't add up eventually do add up – like when Elric supposedly points the sword backwards by chance, only to find out that he did it because he had a subconscious premonition. While I was a little bummed (but not surprised) to know that Shirozou is not some plain mundane but, rather, the next archangel, I'm very excited to see how that comes into play in regards to the overall story. You have lots of original concepts in this, so well done! 

OVERALL SCORE: 18/25

Overall, a thrilling story with lots of clever foreshadowing and unique concepts. Just make sure you work on your tenses, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!