Title: Tethered Souls

Author: SouthernDreamerXO

A few notes from Sunshine:

- This is a review for a complete story that spoils a few things, even ones that happen in chapters ninety-five and onwards. If you are interested in reading this story, please be cautious – the main spoilers are found in the characterisation and plot/originality elements of this review.

- There will be rather mature language in this review. Not because I have gone rogue, but because I'm repeating language found within the story itself. Please read at your own discretion.

- To SouthernDreamerXO – thank you for your patience, and thank you for being the first client this year who actually completed payment in a rather genuine manner! Additionally, you deserve a big round of applause for completing such a long manuscript and keeping your readers so engaged. Please note that, if I do seem harsh, it's only because I tend to be that way with completed stories because I spend more time invested in them.

And, with those disclaimers out of the way, let's begin this very long review, shall we? 

Summary: 3.5/5

Your summary has a lot of promising elements to it. I like how you begin with a rhetorical question that also explains a key concept of the story, and it's so intriguing to see such different lives intertwine. The ending is a nice hook, and it's clear that there will be conflicts standing in the way of the protagonists.

Overall, however, your summary feels a bit vague compared to a traditional summary. What, exactly, are the stakes? What could go wrong? What are the trials and tribulations? What is the unexpected event? While I understand you are trying to keep your summary as spoiler-free as possible, it ends up making the summary sound a bit more like clickbait than a summary that reinforces the conflict and stakes. However, if that was your intention, well done!

You've also incorrectly used a hyphen instead of an em dash, but I'll talk more about that below.

Grammar: 3.5/5

Your story was pretty polished! I'm always a bit more lenient scoring stories that are as long as yours (over 100 parts!) because I understand how easy it can be to make a slip or two when there are so many words to look out for. However, here are some general mistakes that I could find:

First of all, you're using hyphens instead of the em dash. Hyphens are used between two words that are being compounded into one. For example, fire-resistant, short-term, blue-grey eyes, twenty-one, ex-boyfriend. Em dashes, on the other hand, are used as a form of punctuation. So, for example:

Chase and Sarah eat their food while Phil-Chase's colleague from work-is discussing their...

It should be:

Chase and Sarah eat their food while Phil – Chase's colleague from work – is discussing their...

Next, tenses. This was a massive issue I found throughout your story. You kept going from past tense to present tense, and often, this happened in a single paragraph where the context warranted a consistent tense. For example:

"You're not hungry, mummy?" Sarah asks me. [asks = present tense]

"I just had a big lunch earlier." I lied. [lied = past tense]

Not only are the tenses inconsistent, but there are another two errors found in those two sentences above. First of all, 'mummy' should be capitalised, since it is used as a proper noun in that example. 'Mummy' is used as a name, so it should be:

"You're not hungry, Mummy?" Sarah asks me.

The next mistake is dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I just had a big lunch earlier." I lied.

It should be:

"I just had a big lunch earlier," I lied.

Another example:

"All right," Phil nods, smiling.

Nodding is not a verbal tag. It's an action beat. It should be:

"All right." Phil nods, smiling.

You also have the odd instance of a sentence not starting with a capital letter, and you sometimes use the wrong form of words. Here are some examples of the latter:

Most people of Indian descent are sweet and doesn't impose themselves among others.

Since you're talking in plural, you need to make sure your verbs are also in plural form. It should be:

Most people of Indian descent are sweet and don't impose themselves among others.

Next:

It's sounds bad, but Amir and I want to be together in any way possible.

You don't need the apostrophe and the 's' in "It's". It should just be:

It sounds bad, but Amir and I want to be together in any way possible.

Another one:

I've long for that day, and fantasise what he desires to do with me next.

Once again, you have a tense issue. It should either be 'I've longed for that day' or 'I've been longing for that day' or 'I long for that day'.

There were more throughout the stories, but those were just some examples I picked out. 

Characterisation: 3.5/5

There are some great characters in your story. I love Sarah, our Miss Inquisitive, and moments between Liberty and Luna show sisterly love and affection. Amir, too, shows a promising support system on his side, and the fact that he and those close around him are already familiar with how the tethered ones work was a great way to ease both Luna and the reader into the new concept.

Now, speaking of Luna: first impressions count. So, when the first thing I properly see is her getting aroused because of Amir, it's quite amusing. But also, and this may be a very personal thing, I wasn't a big fan of her to begin with. It just bugged me that she was having that moment with Amir, when her husband is right there, and the little relationship counsellor inside me just wanted her to end things with Chase and communicate it to him as soon as she started feeling that emotional connection towards Amir.

Mind you, later on, we see her discuss the guilt and she is very noble in how she doesn't want to do anything intimate with Chase because of that connection with Amir. But, at the beginning? The fact that she was married felt very glossed over, and I wanted more guilt and conflict within her. It just made her feel a bit too self-interested.

Obviously, when Chase became more antagonistic throughout the course of the story, I stopped giving a damn about him and how he felt. Gosh, what a terrible guy – the sexual assault, forcing Luna into a psychiatric hospital. Still, though, I think it's important that Luna makes a strong first impression on the readers – and this may include a bit more thoughtfulness towards those who are physically around her.

I think it was great getting to know Amir and Luna through their own 'getting to know you' conversations. They have funny banter, very playful moments with lots of double-entendre in their conversations. Amir also shows that is quite clever, becoming a 'volunteer' for the hospital just to save Luna, and giving her clues through the use of birthdays to help her work out the exact date. That's a great moment of characterisation.

There were a few things, however, that made it hard for me to connect with your characters. First of all, you tended to tell instead of show – this tends to make characterisation feel forced, and can make it harder for the reader to connect with the character. For example:

I feel so mad and angry.

Don't tell that to us – show it to us. What does she feel? What are her thoughts? Describe it to us. Don't just give it away. Another example:

His sweet personality defines his true nature.

That sentence just confused me, in all honesty. I could not quite understand what it was trying to convey, and either way, it is a clear example of just telling the reader about his personality rather than showing it to us in a meaningful and effective manner.

Now, let's talk about the humour. There is a lot of quirky humour in your story, which makes it quite charming. Even in subtle things – like Luna saying 'Dipshit Doctor' and 'Bitch Nurse' instead of finding their names. However, I found that this humour, while definitely great at times, sometimes compromised the complexity of your characters and intensity of the situation.

Here we are, in a psychiatric ward. She has, quite literally, been tortured for a long time. That's bound to leave some sort of impact on a person. Then, Amir comes along, the stakes are high, they have to avoid touching her, and she's making very overt sexual jokes. It's funny, for sure, but it almost undermines all the high stakes and pain that she's suffered through in the past few chapters. It also leads to a lack of realism and linear character development. 

Writing Style: 3/5

Your writing was very light-hearted and attuned to the genre you were writing with. It's quirky, there are bits of humour woven throughout it. It's very easy to follow, fluent, and fast-paced. Well done! There were, however, a few things I jotted down:

I'm not sure that you're using the word 'glare' appropriately. To glare is to stare at someone with a rather angry expression on your face. And yet, you chose to use 'glare' in the oddest of times. For example, Amir is literally performing oral sex on Luna, she is thoroughly enjoying it, and you then write:

My mouth is directly in front of her string as she glares down at me.

Why would she be glaring at him when she is so obviously enjoying it? Another example:

He glares at me like I'm some kind of supermodel.

Why would people glare at a supermodel? What have supermodels done wrong? Are you looking for the word stare instead?

Next, I found that you glossed over very pivotal moments, making the story quite jarring at times. For example, there is a time where Luna has been unconscious for six days. That would be incredibly disorientating for someone, and yet, you didn't spend a moment to dwell on what it would be like to wake up from something like that. You don't slow down the story to ease the reader into situations, which, once again, removes that layer of realism from the story.

I wish you also lingered more on descriptions of setting – comparing how vastly different the two worlds of our tethered souls are. The pictures you used were great, but some description to back it up would have been great. Don't get me wrong – you do implement description. However, there was a lack of figurative language when it came to writing descriptions; similes, metaphors, personification are great tools to help you with this. I encourage you to do more research to help you, too. When Luna sees him eating Kahari, don't just describe it as an 'Indian' smell – try researching what that would smell like, look like, taste like. Show us that you're just as invested in your characters and their cultures as you want us to be.

Finally, the story was in first person. It focused on adult characters. And yet, the writing felt a bit too childish for me. Mind you, it definitely doesn't feel like it's written for young children, but the way the characters seemed to focus less about the stakes at hand made it feel like they were quite teenage. I don't want to talk about this too much, because that may just be a subjective thing, but it was quite jarring to have such mature scenes everywhere (lots of intimacy, lots of sexual moments), only to have the characters describing it feel like they weren't all that mature.

Again, I think it's just because of what I discussed in the characterisation section – she's been tortured, the stakes are high, but there is minimal focus on that. 

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

Simply put, I adore the concept. I enjoy how there is that constant tension throughout the beginning about how there would be consequences if Amir and Luna were to touch each other physically in real life, which is great! I do wish we got more informative descriptions when it came to differentiating what is real from what is Amir – or, once again, to feel comparisons between the two worlds. I kept wondering what it would be like – would there be something different about the touch? Is there a certain smell that always came with Amir that eventually becomes recognisable?

There's also a lot of good philosophy within your story. I love how your story covers some social issues in a non-bombarding way, showing the reader how they should love for personality, how they should look past religious and ethnical differences. It was especially sweet to see Amir embracing and applying the concept of Thanksgiving to show how grateful he was to have Luna.

Right off the bat, there were a few things that made be rather uncomfortable – such as the electric shock therapy. As that is my field of study, I thought it was a pretty awful misconception of psychiatric hospitals, until, of course, the story took a dystopian turn. When they started discussing orange code and green, yellow, and red security, as well as how they were gathering the tethered ones to experiment on them – then it all started to make sense. Whew!

There were some great twists along the way. Finding out that Chase was basically using Sarah as a GPS? Him being a Soul Hunter? Fabulous, and terrifying. It led to a good climax, with the prospect of a syringe that would eliminate Luna's connection with Amir. That is a very good stake to have, so well done on building up to it!

The ending was heartbreaking, with them not losing their connection but, instead, having Amir lose his memory of her. I did think that should have been in the final chapter, as opposed to an epilogue. An epilogue is very separate to a final chapter, and does not often follow as chronologically as a normal chapter would – it is different in some way, and can tie-up a few loose ends or lead into a sequel. While yours leads into a sequel, it doesn't stylistically branch out from the previous chapters. It just feels like another chapter. I encourage you to read broadly and compare other epilogues to the regular chapters within their respective stories.

In your story, I found quite a few repetitious filler scenes, a slight lack of drive and tension towards the beginning, and lots of sexual moments that were interrupted by phone calls. I also wished the voices of the two narrators branched out a bit more based on what they were experiencing, and the worlds that shaped them.

I've already spoken a lot about realism, but just one more minor thing: orgasms (wow, this feels strange). I was dubious when she had an orgasm just by hearing him hum into her ear while running his hands around her hips, but I let it slide based on the fact that they're tethered. But then, later on, when he is performing oral sex, well, okay. I'm pretty confident that it's not that easy for a girl to instantaneously orgasm twice in a row just because he flicks the bud just after she has her first one.

I mean, I might have let it slide if you hadn't written it like such a throwaway line. It felt like she was just saying 'I orgasmed twice' without effectively describing the sensation of it, which, again, added a sort of disconnect between reader and narrator.

Okay, enough talk about orgasms. Let's wrap up the review. 

OVERALL SCORE: 17/25

Overall, a very well done for completing a story, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to review it! I recommend you work on polishing a few elements of realism, as well as punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!