Title: Ten Thirteen One

Author:PeetaEugenio

Summary: 4/5

Interesting summary! I love how it is basically one long metaphor throughout the entire summary, and this metaphor leads to the introduction of your protagonist and the journey 'her ride' takes her. You've chosen to branch away from the typical summary by keeping the conflict and stakes quite ambiguous, which is effective in its own way – it keeps the reader asking question.

You may want to consider revising tenses. You have sentences in present tense, and also sentences in past tense. For example:

... it makes her feel to not take another turn... [makes = present tense]

... she met the person who... [met = past tense]

Consider changing it all to present tense – that way, it sounds like the reader will be joining her on the journey. Additionally, consider correcting:

Some don't have much turning points.

It should be:

Some don't have many turning points.

Grammar: 2.5/5

For this section, I'm ignoring the grammar and punctuation that was in the 'Twitter messages' sent between characters. I assume that the use of 'u' instead of 'you' and the lack of apostrophes in contractions was an intentional choice to encapsulate the realism of online messaging.

Overall, your grammar could definitely use a bit of polishing up. I noticed a few bigger grammatical rules being broken – but don't worry, I'm here to break it down for you.

First of all – and this was, arguably, the biggest error I found – your tenses are all over the place. It goes from past to present to past to present, and sometimes, this happens in a single sentence. You need to smoothen it out and keep it consistent. For example:

The truth is I had one non-celebrity boyfriend before I enter show business.

In that example, the 'had' indicates past tense, but the 'enter' indicates that it hasn't even occurred yet. I would polish it up so that it looks like:

The truth is that I had one non-celebrity boyfriend before I entered show business.

Another similar example:

You've hadn't seen me.

That, if the contractions are removed, is:

You have had not seen me.

Again, tenses are all over the place. It should either be, You have not seen me, or, You had not seen me.

Overall, there were a lot of moments where your tenses fluctuated. I would revise that.

Next, dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"He went to the emergency room door to exit." Kate whispered.

'Kate whispered' directly refers to how the words are spoken. It should be:

"He went to the emergency room door to exit," Kate whispered.

Another example:

"Honestly." I said.

It should be:

"Honestly," I said.

Also, coming from an Australian here: we spell it 'Aussie', not 'Aussey'.

Finally, you need to become of the form of words after auxiliaries. For example:

Not only because it's oppose to my advocacy for women empowerment...

It should be:

Not only because it opposes my advocacy for women empowerment...

Another example:

I'm ambivalence of getting married.

It should be:

I'm ambivalent of getting married.

Which, in all honestly, still sounds strange. But more on that in the writing style section.

Characterisation: 3/5

Isabel is such a fascinating character to follow! I love seeing her mentally debate with herself, and it's particularly cool to see the way she always lists things down for both herself and the reader. Maybe I was overanalysing it, but I thought that worked perfectly – since she's an actress with an incredibly busy schedule, it makes sense for her to always be listing things, and for her to convey her thoughts as lists towards the reader was a sweet little touch. Great job!

I think Katie and Flo are good friends, though, in all honesty, I can't quite separate them. I feel like their dialogue was too similar to one another – don't be afraid to give them more idiosyncrasies and flesh them out as characters.

Overall, the dynamic between Isabel and Ernst is very interesting because she knows exactly who he is from beginning to end, and he's still held up on her account as 'Cindy', even though she goes by Isabel as her show name. It was hilarious seeing the way he speaks about how lucky it is to be with celebrities, and she's all internally sarcastic, going, 'wow. I am so jealous.' – those were great moments of humour!

Let's talk about Ernst more. My feelings towards him are so completely mixed. I adored him whenever he was presented in person – I like his joking nature ("I'm the ambassador of the international movement for happiness" was simply fabulous) and I like his running gags with Cindy about the, "You're not a rapist, are you?" Great work on making him a likeable and sweet character!

However, I could not stand him when he was messaging her through Twitter. This might just be me, but man, the messages felt somewhat clingy and obsessive. Or... maybe it was his use of 'lol' and the lack of accurate grammar in his messages. Again, this might just be me, but I was not a fan of him when he was just messaging her.

The thing that bugged me the most was the lack of realism in characters sometimes. For example, we have Isabel be unconscious for three entire months. And this is her response to finding out:

"Sweetie, you've been unconscious for three months."

I sigh deeply and disappointingly. This is what I'm afraid of.

Personally, I was completely taken aback by her response. I was expecting something grander. I was expecting her to panic in her internal monologue. I was expecting her to think about all that she may have missed. I want to feel her stomach drop, or the weight in her shoulders – especially considering that the next chapter leads into her contemplating suicide.

And, since it is in first person, avoid writing things like:

I am dumbfounded.

Show it to us through her narration. Let us see the questions she has to herself that are making her dumbfounded. Let us live and breathe her character.

Writing Style: 3/5

I found a lack of description throughout your story. I had some beautiful descriptions in the prologue and first chapter, where we catch a glance at the life of luxury, and the descriptions returned in the final few chapters, as she starts comparing her new appearance and the new setting around her – which was great! I encourage you to allow your descriptions to remain consistent throughout the story, and to write them in a way that inflicts mood.

Also, try not to be vague with descriptions. If you're going to talk about Japanese Maple Trees, be sure to describe them a bit for us – just assume your readers have never seen Japanese Maple Trees before. Show us the colours. Show us the design through your descriptions.

Be careful of being a bit 'extra' with the language. While complex vocabulary seems great, it does make it disconnecting if the story is in first person, especially when people don't necessarily talk like that. For example, the quotation from before:

I'm ambivalent of getting married.

If I was confiding in someone, I would make it a raw moment and just tell them 'I have mixed feelings towards marriage.' You don't need to be so extra with the language. Also, don't be too extra with the sentence structure either:

I have now dark brown eyes.

It starts to sound a bit estranging when the words are jumbled differently to the norm. While I always encourage diverse sentence structures, be careful if it is in first person – make sure it sounds like how someone would actually speak.

Also, speaking of diverse sentence structures, let's look at the beginning of sentences from a single paragraph of yours:

I walk a few steps...

I raise my right hand...

I almost faint...

I take my hand off...

I have now dark brown eyes.

I'm tilting my head...

I realised that...

All of those sentences – side by side in the story – start with roughly the same structure. 'I did this'. I encourage you to try changing it up. Don't be afraid to use subordinating conjunctions. It'll make the writing richer!

Also, I noticed an error in your chapter titles. You went from VI, VII, VIII, to XIX (which is 19). I think you meant IX. 

Plot + Originality: 3/5

I love the romance element of your story, and I totally enjoy how there are always questions to be answered throughout the chapters. Well done at keeping up the intrigue!

Overall, however, I felt like your story was rather choppy and jumpy. After a bit of a reread, I figured this was because you didn't emphasise the moments that were supposed to be big in your story. For example, when Isabel falls unconscious – and she ends up being unconscious – her entire fainting was just one single paragraph at the start of the chapter. Then, in the next paragraph, she's waking up from that unconscious state.

I had to reread that part over and over. One paragraph, she faints. Next paragraph, she wakes up. Three months in between. No line break.

My suggestion? Make her fainting bigger. It is a turning point in the story. Stretch it out. Make it dramatic. Make it the end of a chapter. Then, when she wakes up in the next chapter – all groggy and confused – it'll make more sense. Better yet, show us that state of unconsciousness. A good example is done by Tiffany Tsao in her story, Under Your Wings, where her character is unconscious throughout most of the story. The way she describes being unconscious may be a good way to link into revealing more about Isabel's history with OCD, even.

In all honestly, I was totally thrilled to read your story. It's the first time in Wattpad history that I've had to review a story that is partially set in my home town (Brisbane, Australia). However, while I did love that, it means I was a bit nit-pickier with realism.

For example, when Australians see a random stranger in their apartment when they are most definitely not supposed to be there, they don't usually say, "G'day mate!" (in fact, we don't really say that at all – sorry!). 

OVERALL SCORE: 15.5/25

Overall, a romance that is definitely very unpredictable in nature. Make sure you work on your tenses and sense of realism, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!