Title: System/First Phase: Error

Author: TahsinHossain

Summary: [no score – will not be included in final score]

I love the dramatic opening of your summary, and the way you weaved in an excerpt from your story was very clever. I decided not to judge your summary because of how ambiguous it is – we don't know who the boy and the voice are, and for all I know, it could even be the antagonist. I don't know the exact conflict (though, I suspect a war is at hand), and so while it sort of includes the stakes and conflict, it's hard to decide whether I should be rooting for this boy or not.

Quick note with the excerpt: if you are going to include dialogue in the excerpt, you should try to format it quickly. This means that the dialogue tag should be on the same line as the dialogue. So, instead of:

"The world has seen enough bloodshed. It needs no more. I'll make sure of that, even if it means turning against the world."

The boy said, looking at the vast sea in front of him.

It should be:

"The world has seen enough bloodshed. It needs no more. I'll make sure of that, even if it means turning against the world," the boy said, looking at the vast sea in front of him.

Grammar: 3/5

For the most part, your grammar was polished. There were minimal typos/spelling errors, so well done! The errors I did find, however, were rather consistent, and mostly related to punctuation and dialogue.

As stated above, the dialogue tag must be on the same line as the dialogue itself. For example, you wrote:

"We're finally here, huh?"

Len said.

It should be:

"We're finally here, huh?" Len said.

Next, let's talk punctuation and dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Good luck with your plan."-he said.

You don't need the little hyphen between the dialogue and the tag. Secondly, since 'he said' refers directly to the words being spoken, it should be:

"Good luck with your plan," he said.

Next, a few small errors that I saw here and there. Sometimes, you wrote 'theif' instead of 'thief', and you need to be careful of contractions. For example:

"Mashiro, were out of juice!"

Since Erika was trying to say 'we are' out of juice, it should be:

"Mashiro, we're out of juice!"

Next: ellipsis. When you use ellipsis, use three dots. No more, no less. For example, you wrote:

"No............... I don't think so."

For the sake of professionalism, it should be:

"No... I don't think so."

And, finally, be careful of plural vs singular. For example:

"... new technologies, such as hover cars (cars with floating ability)..."

Since you said 'cars', you're speaking in plural terms. Therefore, it should be:

"... new technologies, such as hover cars (cars with floating abilities)..."

It could also be:

"... new technologies, such as hover cars (cars with the ability to float)..." 

Character Building: 3/5

I've had to review a lot of books, so let me just say that Mashiro is easily the most unique protagonist I have read about all year. He seems very confident with himself, and often thinks in a philosophical and heroic manner. He's very clearly a good person with clear concepts of morality, using rocks for the bullets simply because he didn't want to kill anyone despite the rather brutal circumstances. He is also very resourceful and clever.

However, I'd love to see him fail more! There are times where he almost perfectly shoots all the bullets in the right places when he's under attack, and sometimes, it makes us appreciate the character less because we don't really get to see him face failure. If he is supposed to be an amazing shooter with a masterful aim, show that to us by making him take all things into consideration – speed, timing, aim. If it was pure luck, show that to us, too. Make him arch his brows in surprise, or make him stare dumbfoundedly at his own actions.

Which brings me onto my next point: showing vs telling. Rather than saying, "I was terrified at Len's words" or "I was exhausted" – show those to us. You're in first person, so you can have a bit of internal monologue as he panics over what Len said. And when he talks about the accident with his father to the reader, don't be afraid to make it vulnerable. There would be trauma involved, and surely, that would also influence the way he tells the story. Right now, he almost shares that story in a detached manner. And when he is kicked by the murderer and sent flying into crates, surely that would have hurt. For the sake of realism, at least, make sure you show the reader his pain. Don't gloss over the scene.

Also, oh my goodness, Len has the best quips! I love how witty he is, and I love how he also serves as a voice of reason, too, like when he points out that not all problems can be solved in a day. It's a great way to balance out Mashiro's determination.

Erika was an interesting character. I'm glad she stepped away from the 'damsel in distress' role, but she seemed to become a little... obsessed with Mashiro by the end. I like that she developed into a stronger, tougher person, though, so good work on that!

Writing Style: 3/5

You have very good, fast-paced action – which is great for keeping readers engaged. However, I think it might be too fast. As mentioned previously, part of action is descriptions. Don't be afraid to describe the pain, the sounds, the smells. Same goes with setting – while you definitely included some lovely bits of setting, I think there were times where you could have fleshed it out for the reader more, using figurative language to help set the scene.

Next, the structure of your sentences was very, very repetitive. Let's look at your very first chapter. These were the first sentences of a bunch of paragraphs, and these paragraphs were all consecutive:

"I put my headphones over my ears."

"I looked around me."

"I looked up, hearing the roar of fusion engines."

"I looked down at the puddle near my boot."

"I started walking."

Can you see how incredibly repetitive it is? Try being a bit more playful with your sentence structure, and see how you can rearrange the words to form a different sentence that conveys the exact same message.

Also, when you're introducing a new sentence, I suggest that, rather than writing in brackets: [later in the British headquarters], try introducing the setting to us within the narration. It'll help you practise showing as opposed to telling. 

Plot + Uniqueness: 3/5

Your plot is very unique. There are a few different elements happening here – Mashiro is determined to save the problems of the world, but he's also being hunted down by a rather obsessed princess who wants him beside her throne. There were some scenes that were very fast-paced and ambiguous, so I'd go back and work on the transitions between your chapters to ensure it is fluent and clear for the reader.

Let's look back at when Mashiro moves to a different place, and Erika is suddenly not a character anymore for a few chapters. I think he should at least spare her a thought, especially since there was chemistry between them, and especially since she is going to come back as a character later on? It was almost as if the story forgot all about Erika for a few chapters.

I like the recurring symbol of characters not having a home, and the twist where Rose was the princess was a nice touch. I don't know if it was supposed to be a big plot twist, since I knew from the start that she was probably the princess. Still, it was quite a nice moment because we could see the shock that Mashiro witnessed when he puts the two and two together.

There's definitely a sequel, right? This story feels like it needs a sequel. In fact, this story felt more like a set-up for another story. If so, I'm excited to hear about where you go with that! 

OVERALL SCORE: 12/20

Overall, a fascinating concept with many new elements to it! Make sure you work on your punctuation and dialogue, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps, fellow reviewer!