Title: Raine

Author: SeraphAnuni

Summary: 3.5/5

Your summary is pretty good – it introduces the protagonist and hints at the conflict to come, and the use of rhetorical question is a great way to keep the reader engaged. I already feel for Raine – it's not nice being forced into a marriage you don't particularly want. However, I think your summary is lacking in a bit.

Your summary should give us an overall outline of the story (without spoiling, of course), and should also show us what the stakes are, as well as what will actually happen. Thus far, we know what Raine wants, but we don't know what she will actually do about the destiny she is being forced into. You have to show the reader what Raine does, how this begins the conflict, and how this will make the stakes emerge.

Otherwise, you're doing a great job! I recommend looking at the summaries of professionally written novels and seeing how they structured their summaries. 

Grammar: 2.5/5

Okay, so your grammar definitely needs some work. But, that's okay – I'm here to help.

First of all, you have basic mistakes littered throughout your entire story. You have some sentences that do not begin with capital letters, you have some bits of dialogue that are missing the closing inverted commas at the end, you have spelling errors (you misspell Hellion, too), and you also have run-on sentences. I recommend reading your story aloud to find some of these errors. Whenever you read a sentence and you find a spot that needs a meaningful pause for it to be cohesive, consider adding punctuation. For example:

We stop and freeze listening if they are still approaching.

That sentence, for it to make sense, requires a comma. And, even with the comma, the sentence doesn't quite make sense. Consider:

We stop and freeze, listening out for their muffled footsteps.

Next, let's talk dialogue. You keep putting the inverted commas in the incorrect spot. When you have dialogue, the opening inverted commas should be directly next to the dialogue, and should be a space away from anything else before it (unless it is the start of a paragraph). For example:

He tips his hat forward." Good mornin', Asher."

That is incorrect. It should be:

He tips his hat forward. "Good mornin', Asher."

Another thing with dialogue: if dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Yes, it's for real," I see Ford standing there.

That above example is incorrect. Since, 'I see Ford standing there' is not a verbal tag (it's not how she says the dialogue), it should be:

"Yes, it's for real." I see Ford standing there.

Next, contractions. Whenever you're writing "it is", but you're contracting it, make sure you include the apostrophe so that it is "it's" instead of "its". Additionally, be careful – you tend to mix up "your" and "you're" a lot. For example:

"Your quick but your also quite cocky."

Since you were trying to say, "you are quick, but you are also quite cocky," it should be:

"You're quick, but you're also quite cocky."

And, finally, tenses. For the most part, you where in present tense, but you occasionally slipped into past tense. For example:

We both appeared before the throne, swords clanging... [appeared = past tense]

He steps beside me. [steps = present tense]

You need to make sure you are consistently in present tense. 

Characterisation: 3/5

Okay, so I really enjoy your dialogue – which is good, because there is a lot of it. The playful banter between Raine and Ash is great, and I love Raine's sarcasm and sly wit. I also enjoy the fact that she's not perfect – she shows flaws in the form of rash decisions that borderline reckless. She also struggles with the longsword, showing that she's not automatically amazing at everything she does – so well done!

However, I'm not really feeling the characters. The story is in first person, and yet, I don't feel like I'm living and breathing the story though her perspective. When she kisses Ash, what does that feel like? Let us feel the warmth and joy, the heat and pleasure. When she cries, don't just tell us that she is crying – show us the pain she would feel in her throat, or the knots in her belly as she thinks about the prospect of getting married to someone she doesn't love.

Also, I feel like I've been thrown in the dark a bit. Raine and Ash are hopelessly in love, and they are also siblings. We've been thrown into their love story, they've made love twice (almost three, if not for the handmaiden) in the span of six chapters, but we still don't know how their relationship developed.

Speaking of Ash, I'm struggling to grasp a personality on him. I understand he is a lot calmer than Raine – like the stone to her fire. However, all I really see is that he is in love with Raine, but that's more or less all I see. Make sure he has quirks and idiosyncrasies that don't involve Raine; that way, I'll be just as much in love with him as Raine apparently is. 

Writing Style: 2.5/5

Okay, so, first things first: we are literally in a new world called Hellion. And I can't tell you a thing about it because, despite being six chapters in, I do not feel immersed in the world. Part of it is because there is minimal setting. Every time you introduce a new scene in a new place, there is little to no description on what it looks like – from the halls, to the rooms, to the training grounds. We need to at least have an idea of where we are, otherwise the reader has nothing to really grasp onto the world with.

However, you do have some lovely moments of descriptions. For example, when Raine was meditating, and you showed the reader the cool breeze and the smell of flowers – that was gorgeous. Keep that up!

Also, to any others reading this review casually, please note that the next section contains vulgar language (as it is in the novel). Feel free to skip over the next paragraph if vulgar language makes you uncomfortable.

Now, your world is really strange in that, we have medieval terms – emperors, swords, armour. However, you also have the protagonist wearing sneakers, and you have the two characters using terms such as 'pussy', 'clitoris', 'ejaculate' and 'vagina' when they are making love. You also have condoms, and the idea of Raine being on 'pills'. I'm not sure if this was an intentional gimmick of your world, however, if you are setting your story in a medieval-esque fantasy world, make sure the language you use corresponds to the era you have chosen. I did some research and the words used above were only ever really used for medical terms, if they were used at all. 

Also, be careful of redundancy in your sentences. For example:

We both appeared before the throne, swords clanging against out armour as the sounds of the clinging metal filled the obsidian room.

You've already told us that the swords were clanging against armour. Do you really need to repeat yourself by mentioning the clinging metal? Again, another example of repetition:

I move my neck back, exposing my neck and chest.

Using the word 'neck' twice in that sentence just doesn't sound right. I'd recommend avoiding the repetition. 

Plot + Originality: 3/5

Okay, so first and foremost, you have two siblings who are in love and who make love literally in the second chapter. Thing like this – namely, incest – are not really something everything feels comfortable reading. I highly suggest that you mention it in your summary (and your forms when you are requesting reviews!) that there are two siblings who are in love.

Anyways, onto the actually plot: we have Raine being forced into a marriage she doesn't want, she's in love with her brother, and they keep making out/making love. Then, she finds out how she can get out of her marriage – via a duel with her betrothed – and she has to learn how to properly use the longsword. I really like that bit of foreshadowing with how Ford was encouraging her to learn how to use the longsword even though she was literally about to leave, because he knew what was to come. Great work!

However, I honestly kept getting a bit frustrated with the pace. I think that, if you are going to add love making scenes into your story, then they have to be purposeful and at appropriately spread out. For example, we nearly have one in chapter two, then it's led on at the end of chapter two, then it happens in chapter three (twice, if we include the fact that she talks about the first time).

But, at the end of the day, the reader wants to see how Raine tackles this arranged marriage. We want her and Ash's intimate moments to be built over the course of the story in a meaningful manner. And, most importantly, we want to know more about the world. I would focus on those elements first, and while the romance side-plot is great, make sure it comes in purposefully and meaningfully. 

OVERALL SCORE: 14.5/25

Overall, an interesting start to your story. Make sure you work on your grammar and punctuation, as well as your world-building, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps.