Title: Queen of Atlantis

Author: jessicasimpson101

Summary: 3.5/5

You have a captivating summary. Usually, I'm not the biggest fan of first-person summaries, but I did really enjoy how you executed it – it still introduces a bit of the character, it introduces the conflict, and it hints that something big is going to happen. Well done! I do wonder, though, whether you could make it just that slight bit less vague by saying how she knows everything is going to be snatched away from her. That way, your summary feels more cohesive, and it covers all the elements a summary needs.

Additionally, the excerpt you use is effective in that it doesn't spoil the story, but rather, lead to more questions. Be cautious, though: too long of a summary wouldn't fit at the back of a novel, and also, if you are going to use an excerpt, ensure that it is polished and grammatically accurate. I will discuss this more in the grammar section itself, so that I'm not repeating myself.

This point actually carries across to the rest of your summary. Your summary should be polished. You use commas in places where you don't need commas, and your ellipsis at the end should only contain three periods (...). Otherwise, good work! 

Grammar: 3/5

Your story was pretty easy to follow and read, so great job on keeping it relatively polished! However, there are a few things that need revising.

First of all, be careful of words that are similar but different. One of these examples is envelope and envelop. Envelope is the noun – like the paper we use to enclose a letter. However, envelop is the verb, which means to cover or wrap. So, in the following example:

I let water envelope me.

That is incorrect, as you have used the noun instead of the verb.

Also, watch out for pendent vs pendant. Pendent is the adjective, meaning that it is hanging down or it is used to describe something that is in the pending process. A pendant, however, is the piece of jewellery. You wrote pendent in your story, when you were supposed to write pendant.

Next, you use commas incorrectly. For example:

With dark hair and the kindest hazel eyes, I have ever seen.

In that above example, if you were to read it aloud, there would not be a pause between 'eyes' and 'I'. They are not independent clauses. The comma in unnecessary.

Now, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I just wanted to rest for tomorrow's competition." I say.

In the example above, 'I say' directly refers to the dialogue being spoken. It should be:

"I just wanted to rest for tomorrow's competition," I say.

Another example:

"I know that," he places his forehead against mine.

'He places his forehead against mine' has nothing to do with how the words are spoken – they have to do with Sam's actions. Therefore, it should be:

"I know that." He places his forehead against mine. 

Characterisation: 3/5

I'll start with the characters who stood out to me. I absolutely adored Ash's energy – what a ball of sunshine! I laughed when she interrupted the officials who were trying to announce the winner of the swimming competition, and her energy is such a great contrast to the calmer Eliza (or should I say Cordelia?). I also really liked Sara, and I hope she comes back as a character because it was such a relief to see you branch away from the cliché and make her kind (as opposed to the typical 'mean rival').

Because Eliza is more of a balanced character, it was a little hard to get an impression of her right away. I do appreciate her determination, I love her adoration for her mother, and her and Sam are sweet. Additionally, her reaction to Atlantis – feeling overwhelmed – was very relatable and a great way to connect her with the reader.

However, I wish you let us delve into her more. The story is in first person, so I was hoping for more of her inner monologue, or at least a stronger sense of purpose within her. For example, let's look at what you wrote here:

"If I win, I will be chosen for the national level."

Great – we know why she wants to win. But what does that national level mean to her? How long has she been gunning for it? How much sweat and tears has gone into it? Show all of that to us. Make us feel her character.

Additionally, you tended to tell more than show when it came to characterisation. For example, when Ash was introduced, you wrote:

She has the ability to lift anyone's spirits by just being herself, bringing joy into the most barren of situations.

That is blatant telling. You shouldn't need to tell the reader this – you should be able to show it to us in the way Ash speaks and behaves. Furthermore, that excerpt above – taken directly from your story – is actually a quotation I found in a descriptive essay written by a student from the Florida Institute of Technology. More on this in the next section. 

Writing Style: 1/5

I hinted at it above, and I'll discuss it now. The reason I'm giving you a low score for writing style – and I really hate to do this, sorry – is because I simply do not know what exactly is written by you. I caught quite a lot of plagiarism within your story.

For example, here are some examples:

My consciousness was floating through an empty space filled with a thick static.

That above quotation, found in your story, comes from Empire of Blood by Ed Russo.

... spread through my body like icy, liquid metal.

Again, while that excerpt was found in your story, it comes from Where Life Begins by Brooklym Brumfield.

Another example that I found:

Her eyes were a hickory as rich as the earth's soil; stained with the colour of hot chocolate on a cold, winter night that wraps around you like a blanket; engulfs you in its warmth and makes you feel at home.

That was found in your story and, interestingly, with a quick search, I found that about ten other Wattpad stories contained that exact same quotation – some of these being over a few years old. I couldn't find the original quotation, but the fact that so many stories – most older than yours – have this huge quotation is a massive indicator that it's not your original work.

I know this can be quite hard to take, and I'm sorry if I sound harsh here. Unfortunately, though, plagiarism is absolutely not encouraged by any writing community, so I'll gently say it to you here: I know writing is hard. I know descriptions are hard. But that's the art about telling a story – coming up with your own language and using your imagination to influence the way you write. I strongly encourage you to take this with an open mind and edit your work so that it is completely original.

That aside, be sure to make sure that your sentence structures aren't too similar within a single paragraph. For example, the following sentences were all right after one another:

He has the same stoic blue eyes...

His facial hair is thick...

His big boots make a rhythmical noise...

His face is stern...

He has an authoritative...

He is wearing a...

All of those sentences start with 'he' or 'his', and it's very repetitive. Don't be scared to play around with the structure so that it is more fluent and engaging for the reader. 

Plot + Originality: 3/5

You've only published seven chapters thus far, and I'm excited to see the direction the rest of the story takes. So far, we have the swimming competition, and the sudden appearance of her father who drags her into Atlantis. I'm interested to see how you introduce the world to both Eliza and the reader, so good job in keeping a constant stream of questions for the readers to think on.

I also like the hints of foreshadowing – for example, when Sam calls her Princess in the present world, and then she's called a 'Princess' in Atlantis. That's a nice touch.

Be sure to keep your story purposeful as much as possible. Do we need to see Eliza walk to the dressing rooms, change, walk out of the dressing room, and walk to her apartment? Or can that all just be assumed information? Another alternative is to include this, but when she walks home with Ash, you include some dialogue to help build Eliza's personality for the reader, and to show us how she interacts with the people around her.

Otherwise, good luck with the rest of your story! 

OVERALL SCORE: 13.5/25

Overall, an intriguing concept. Be sure that your work is entirely original, though, so that you are sharing your vision of your story with the world. I hope this review helps!