Title: Pillow Talk

Author: Kara_Zor_El_7

Summary: 4/5

So, your summary is pretty good! You introduce your protagonist, the conflict, and hint at how there may be something murky about the romance at hand. Well done! The use of rhetorical question was also particularly effective, so good work with that.

However, on the technical side of things, your summary could use some polishing. First of all, you need a comma in the following sentence:

But a small summer fling love affair couldn't hurt could it?

It should be:

But a small summer fling love affair couldn't hurt could it?

Next, you change tenses throughout your summary. While it makes sense – with the first part in present tense and the next part in past tense because the warning came before the falling in love – you change tenses in the middle of one sentence, which makes it a little awkward to read. It's this sentence:

But falling in love was not part of her plans when Matt Hudson decides to invade her life and her space. [was not = past tense, decides = present tense]

Since the previous sentence about her planning on enjoying the summer is in present tense, consider making that sentence:

But falling in love is not part of her plans when Matt Hudson decides to invade her life and her.

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, your story was actually quite polished. It was very easy to read, and while I caught quite a few errors, they weren't particularly noticeable. Here are the ones I did notice:

Its chaotic to run into a bunch of shirtless dudes with...

Since you were trying to say, 'it is chaotic to run', you should be using the contraction (it's). It should be:

It's chaotic to run into a bunch of shirtless dudes...

Another apostrophe error:

I shield my eye's from the light.

My guess is that you didn't mean to write, 'I shield my eye is from the light'. Rather, you were referring to the plural of eye. It should be:

I shield my eyes from the light.

Now, I'm not sure if these few issues are formatting or genuine errors, so I thought I'd discuss them. When you have dialogue, there should not be a space between the dialogue and the closing inverted commas. For example, you wrote:

Now that looks like a hot walking rule that needs to be broken, " Kylie says.

It should be:

Now that looks like a hot walking rule that needs to be broken," Kylie says.

Also, you had a few odd moments of paragraphing formatting. I think they were accidental, but I think you should look over them. Here is one I found:

"Stop laughing at my choice of

shoes," I say.

That should be one line. It should be:

"Stop laughing at my choice of shoes," I say.

Next, if you have a verbal dialogue tag right after dialogue – regardless of it was a question or exclamation – the dialogue tag should not start with a capital letter if it is not a proper noun. For example:

"Did you just roll your eyes at me?" He asks.

Since the 'he asks' is technically part of the same sentence (despite the question mark), it should be:

"Did you just roll your eyes at me?" he asks.

Finally, you had minor errors all throughout your story that need polishing. Here are a few I found:

It's the one places you can get fresh air...

Your singular vs plural is inconsistent. It should be:

It's the one place you can get fresh air.

Next:

"Nice Abs," I say.

Since you're literally referring to his abdomen muscles, which are noun a proper noun, it should be:

"Nice abs," I say.

Next:

Matt is already pressing his warm, wet lips to mines."

By saying 'mines', you're referring to the place where the extract coal. It should be:

Matt is already pressing his warm, wet lips to mine.

Next:

"... I'll end up regretting," I say will full honesty.

I think you meant:

"... I'll end up regretting," I say with full honesty.

And finally:

I turn up the volume if Supernatural and turn...

I think you meant:

I turn up the volume of Supernatural and turn...

Those weren't the only errors I found, but just a few. I recommend reading over your story to catch those pesky little slips. It happens to everyone – don't worry. 

Characterisation: 4/5

What I love about Kelsey is that she feels very honest – like Matt always says, there's a transparency to her that makes it really easy as a reader to engage with her. Even when she's upset with the whole drama her brother stirs up about Cassie, while she acts tough, she consoles in the reader by admitting that she feels her heart hurt. That was a beautiful moment for the reader to connect with her, so well done! Additionally, her panic before spending the night with Matt was incredibly relatable – I laughed more than I should have.

Her banter with the other characters is also great. I thought it was adorable seeing her and Kylie make eye contact with Matt and run back to the room like little girls. The dialogue between Matt and Kelsey is also sweet – they have heart-wrenching moments of consolation and support, a lot of flirting, and a lot of arguing about a particular pair of green ugg boots.

My heart bled for poor Matt and his home life – domestic violence is such a hard thing to witness, and it explained very nicely why he had that aura of mystery around him initially. That being said, damn, Matt is one smooth talker, isn't he? He's sure to make most of your readers swoon. He almost felt too perfect at times, but I assume we'll a bit more complexity within him when high school starts, perhaps?

Now, you did have a bit of telling rather than showing when it came to character building. For example, let's look at the following line:

He looks moody and irritated most of the time.

Don't just tell that to the reader – show it to us. Say something like, "Like always, his lips were twisted in a frown" to effectively show the reader Matt's characteristics without having to just give it to us. 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

There were some nice glimpses of the setting within your story. I liked seeing the ranch, the golden grass, and the baby blue sky, and I liked hearing about the feeling of the wind in the car – I especially liked that it was compared to freedom. I do think we could get a bit more, though. Rather than saying, "It's a perfect sunny Sunday", describe to us why it is perfect. Make us believe it is perfect by describing it in an enchanting manner. Don't just tell it to us.

Also, when you're describing trivial things – such as character clothing – try to weave it into the story. Try to avoid stopping the entire flow of the narrative just to tell us what they are wearing. For example:

Matt is wearing a pair of black board shorts and a thin white t-shirt that stretches across his chest.

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with showing us what they are wearing. However, when it's not necessarily significant, it makes for an awkward read when you stop everything to tell us what they're wearing. Why not weave it in more cohesively by showing the reader how he fidgeted with his black board shorts, or how, perhaps, Kelsey couldn't keep focusing on the road ahead of her because of the way his white t-shirt stretched across his chest?

Also, this is more of something I found amusing and I'm being a little nit-picky here, but when you described the sound of Matt's heart, you wrote, "boom, boom, boom." Unfortunately, a heart doesn't quite make that sound – if it did, I'd be a little concerned. A heart makes a sort of galloping sound, like 'ba-dum' (there are many variations). I'd be a bit careful when you're directly describing sounds. Again, that's me being a bit nit-picky, but I did have a good chuckle when I read it; I thought you might, too.

Okay, finally, don't hesitate to be a bit playful with your sentence structure a bit more. In one particular chapter, I took four sentences – all that were directly beside each other – and this is the beginning of all of them:

I shield my eyes...

I'm on the grass...

I lift my head...

I can't help but...

These four sentences, all in a row, start very similarly – "I did this". It becomes a little repetitive and robotic to read, so I suggest rephrasing a few of them to make your writing more fluent and engaging.

Otherwise, your writing was very easy and light to read – well done. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

If I'm completely honest, I've read a lot of stories like this. However, I really enjoyed yours because it is very cohesive and fluent – each chapter flows very smoothly into the next. Additionally, you have complications, such as her feeling sour over the text (I'm so relieved that the brother's rules weren't the only complication – that would have been slightly ridiculous). The writing itself is also a lot more polished and engaging, and overall, a very fluid read. Great work!

Now that the holiday is pretty much over and they've had their intimate moment just before school, I'm interested to see how things progress once they do head back to school (which is something Kelsey is worried about). I'm curious to hear about which complications arise from this, especially since, thus far, I haven't really felt a plot climax just yet.

Also, just make sure your story is completely accessible. For example, in the first chapter when you briefly make a throwaway line about the 'American Dream', you kind of have to assume that not all readers know what this is. But that's okay – you can still include little things like that, but make sure you expand on it more. So instead of just saying that 'they want us to live the American Dream', try something like, 'they want us to live the American Dream; risk-taking, hard-work, and most of all, parties.' (Obviously, not a perfect interpretation of what the American Dream is – I'm Australian! That was just an example.) 

OVERALL SCORE: 18.5/25

Overall, a sweet little story that now has its gears turning. I'm excited to see the direction it takes now, and with a bit of work on polishing little grammatical slips, you should be good to go. I hope this review helps.