Title: Not So Cinderella

Author: QuinerSacyLove

Summary: 3/5

Overall, your summary is pretty good. It starts off strong, introducing the protagonist and making it very clear that the story is a twisted tale of the classic Cinderella. The conflict is clear, and the final line where you list all the elements thrown in is a very fun and playful way to highlight parts of your story without having to properly introduce it.

However, it needs work regarding fluency and redundancy.

The death of her mother, makes her father distant.

You don't need the comma.

It was like all of her life came crashing down that one doomed day.

You already said, two sentences ago, that 'one day, it all comes crashing down'. There is no need to repeat yourself. I suggest writing it in a chronological manner – one day, it all comes crashing down; just as her mother had been giving birth to her sister, she had died; her father became distant after that. That way, it's more cohesive and does not repeat itself. 

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, your grammar is very sound. However, there were a few mistakes I caught. Let's go through them, shall we?

My dad walked upto her.

I saw examples like that a few times. 'Upto' is not a word. It should be 'up to'.

I knew father was in no position...

'Father' should be capitalised, since it is used as a proper noun in that example. If you were saying 'my father', there would be no need to capitalise it. However, since you just wrote 'father', it should be:

I knew Father was in no position...

Next:

She motioned me...

Someone can't motion someone. However, they can motion to/for someone.

I pulled her hand to my racing heart, "I promise mother."

Since the narration before the dialogue is not a verbal dialogue tag, you need a period instead of a comma. Additionally, the same rule applies with the capitalisation of a proper noun:

I pulled her hand to my racing heart. "I promise, Mother."

Another dialogue one:

"Did you clean my room?" He uttered.

Since the 'he uttered' is a verbal dialogue tag, you treat it as part of the sentence. Therefore, it should not be capitalised and, rather, should be:

"Did you clean my room?" he uttered.

Next, watch out for your tenses:

She nodded at me and went to Father's room. [nodded, went = past tense]

But it is his first time bringing a woman. [is = present tense]

You need to make sure your tenses are consistently in past tense, as that is your chosen tense for the story.

Next, run-on sentences:

I woke up and went to bath, immediately two servants followed me.

Since the two clauses are both independent clauses, they should not be joined together by a comma – that is called a comma splice. Consider:

I went up and went to bath. Immediately, two servants followed me.

And finally:

So many maybe's.

You don't need the apostrophe, because then you are writing 'maybe is'. It should be:

So many maybes. 

Characterisation: [no score – not added to final score]

In all honesty, I didn't want to score this. You have three very short chapters uploaded, and none of your characters – even your protagonist – have made an impression on me, yet. Why? Because, currently, it is very much like the original Cinderella (only because, obviously, we haven't progressed further enough yet).

Your protagonist is complacent, quiet, gentle. We don't see much about Red at all. The father has certainly changed after the mother has died – but we don't see that change, because the only time we have actually seen the father is in the hospital room just as his wife was dying. So, it's not really impactful for the reader.

You have opportunities to flesh out scenes to show characterisation, and you haven't done that. In the first three chapters, it won't hurt to have that little bit more of dialogue – mostly so we can see how your protagonist interacts with the people and world around her. Currently, it's feeling quite dry, with just a list of events happening.

However, some highlights: the mother's death was most certainly heartbreaking. Since you were in first person, I would have loved more internal monologue so we could truly feel that despair and hurt that comes with losing someone so close. The last chapter with the argument with the father also was a nice example of how distant the two characters have come, to keep that up! I'm looking forward to meeting more characters and having them drive the story forwards. 

Writing Style: 3/5

Overall, your writing is pretty easy to follow – it uses nice little nuances that hint at the fairytale nature of the story, and there are some nice glimpses of description.

That being said, when you do describe something, be careful not to make it too vague. When descriptions are vague, it feels almost forced. I like to imagine descriptions are a bit like persuasive speeches; if you're going to use a vague word to describe it, you have to follow-up with examples and details that convince the reader. For example:

...overall gloomy feel of the hospital.

Gloomy can be used to describe many things. Don't just tell us that it's gloomy – show it to us. Yes, you mentioned white walls, but lots of places can have white walls. Give us the description. Smells, sounds, feels. What makes it feel gloomy? Does the air feel damp? Are there sombre faces everywhere? Is there no light slipping through the curtains?

Another example:

I looked at her adorable chubby face.

What makes her face adorable? I know babies are always cute, but still, isn't there something in particular that draws Antoinette to Red? Perhaps the baby has features that remind her of their mother? That would be sweet, and would add that extra level of care in their relationship.

Next, be careful of repetitive sentence structures:

My blue corset was dirty.

My pumps' ribbons were loose.

My bun was about to fall.

My cream hat was in my hands.

All four of those sentences were presented together, which made the writing robotic and dry. Either combine them into one sentence – which makes sense, because she's just describing herself – or manipulate the sentence structure so that it isn't just 'my [object] was [description]'. 

Plot + Originality: [no score – not added to final score]

Once again, it's really hard to score a story when there are only three short chapters uploaded, and these short chapters are basically what we are already familiar with – the tale of Cinderella. Nonetheless, I'm excited to see what twists you throw in, and I can't wait to see the characters grow and develop as time passes.

You've added a few elements of your own – such as looking after a younger sibling. Expand on that! Make us really feel the love Antoinette shares with her sister, since she was asked to raise her.

A quick work of warning: since you're in first person, remember that Antoinette won't know what other characters are thinking. So, for example:

"But what?" My father tried to discern what she felt from her face.

You may have meant that Antoinette knew he was trying to discern it by asking, but if that's the case, that description is irrelevant; if he didn't want to know, why would he ask?

However, based on the way it is presented (with the 'felt from her face'), it makes it sound like Antoinette knew what he was doing just by looking at him. That's fine – however, you must show us how she knows. Is there a gaze that he is giving? A certain expression that makes her know this?

In other words, a good read over will keep things clear and engaging for the reader. 

OVERALL SCORE: 9/15

Sorry for omitting so many scores! It's just that, with only three short chapters uploaded, it's not easy to review characterisation and plot. I suggest requesting a review once your story is set nicely into motion. For now, though, watch out for little slips in the grammar and punctuation as you go on. I hope this review helps!