Title: My Sweet Human Mate

Author: xxMarygoldxx

Full discloser: I am so ridiculously excited to begin this review. At first, a few weeks after accepting your form, I realised that it was Twilight fanfiction (which you hadn't mentioned in your form), and so I nearly declined, because a) I don't review fanfiction, and b) I hadn't read Twilight.

But, alas, I felt really bad for making you wait so long. So, just over a month ago, I borrowed the entire Twilight series and read them all. So, here I am, ready to review my first fanfiction for a series I just finished. Also, I totally had moments throughout the book where I thought Edward and Jacob would make a far more interesting couple than Edward and Bella. So, I'm very keen to read your book! 

Summary: 3/5

Your summary introduces a few fundamental things – the protagonist, the fact that he is running out of time, and the fact that he needs to find his mate before time runs out. Good job at doing it so succinctly and cohesively. The summary could be fleshed out a bit more – exactly what is he running out of time for? What exactly is a mate and how does he know he needs to find him?

Also, be careful of awkward phrasing and punctuation errors. Your first sentence is a run-on sentence, and one of your questions is missing a question mark. 

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, your story was quite easy to read. However, there are a few fundamental grammatical issues within your story – but don't worry, I'm here to cover them.

First of all, the biggest issue I found was the changing of tense. You kept fluctuating between past and present tense, and these changes were inconsistent – sometimes it was within a single sentence. For example:

I walk over to my bathroom and began my morning routine.

If we break up that sentence, it looks like this:

I walk over to my bathroom... [walk = present tense]

... and began my mourning routine. [began = past tense]

Another example:

I quietly jumped and landed smoothly inside the window; I immediately feel warmth engulf me.

If that's broken up:

I quietly jumped and landed smoothly inside the window. [jumped, landed = past tense]

I immediately feel warm engulf me. [feel = present tense]

In other words, you need to choose one tense and keep it consistent throughout the entire stories.

Next, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Um, sorry, come in" I said.

You need punctuation before the closing inverted commas. It should be:

"Um, sorry, come in," I said.

Another example:

"Thanks, Alice," I hugged her.

'I hugged her' is not a verbal tag – it does not convey how the words are spoken. It should be:

"Thanks, Alice." I hugged her.

And, just in general, you need to polish up on some of the basics. You have run-on sentences, you are missing quotation marks, your proper nouns aren't capitalised (such as names), and, when you're using ellipses, you're using too many periods (.......) instead of the grammatically correct three (...). You also have some sentences that simply don't make sense, such as:

Afterwards I entered into closet.

First of all, you need a comma after the conjunction. Also, 'entered into closet' doesn't quite make sense. Consider:

Afterwards, I entered the closet. 

Characterisation: 3/5

I found Jacob incredibly relatable from the very start with his love for beauty sleep. While the characters are very, very different from their original forms in the Twilight books, I quite like the creative license you took – it definitely works for your plot. Besides, Edward is still quite charming and overly romantic in both stories – so good job at keeping that consistent.

Be careful of info-dumping backstories in one go. For example, when we first meet Jacob, he instantly tells the reader about how his parents are divorced, how he never sees his dad, how he stays with his mum, how he is home-schooled. Consider finding a more cohesive link into this. For example, as Jacob is getting ready, maybe he stumbles into one of those gifts that his father sends him once a year – and then, as he's looking at the gift, he can delve into that backstory.

Furthermore, you told rather than showed a lot. For example:

My mum is the sweetest person in the world. She has shoulder length black hair, bright blue eyes with specks of silver, slender hips, rosy cheeks, pink lips, and is 5'8.

Personally, I am totally against mentioning exact heights in stories – it feels too forced, and, in this instance, feels like you're going through a checklist about the mother. Show this to us. Don't tell us that she's sweet – let us see it when we meet her in the story, and show us her sweetness through her dialogue and interactions with Jacob. As for her description, do we need to know exactly what she looks like even when she's not in the scene? Or would it be more effective for her to actually show up in the book, and then show us her appearance?

And, of course, be careful about switching perspectives and keeping it all in first person. You need to make sure each narrative voice is distinct from one another, with idiosyncrasies and personality brimming in both the dialogue and the description. Remember: it's as if you're sitting down and interviewing the characters. How would they phrase the story? 

Writing Style: 2.5/5

There were some nice moments of description within the story. For example, when Edward arrived in the club, I absolutely loved having him describe the stench of alcohol and sweat – and I like how this makes him smell something different (the strawberries) and recognise his mate from there. Well done!

Make sure, however, that your perspective switches are purposeful. For example, let's go towards the start off the book. In Jacob's perspective, we have Jacob reading The Fault in our Stars, then Zelia rings the doorbell. Then, it goes to Zelia's perspective as Jacob opens the door. Then, when the door is open, it's back to Jacob's perspective. That switch felt like it lacked purpose and drive, and because it was so sudden, it didn't give us time to sink into either Jacob or Zelia's head and voice.

Additionally, avoiding writing things such as (time skip). Instead, you can just incorporate the time towards the beginning of each scene by writing, "By sunset, Jacob and Edward..." "Hours had passed, and yet, Jacob felt as if it had only been minutes..." – or even go on to describe the night or morning when they come. That way, the writing is more cohesive and professional.

Also, don't just post a picture of things – such as the cupcakes. Describe it for the reader. 

Plot + Originality: 3/5

Okay, so I am loving the direct links to the Twilight series – we have Edward watching Jacob sleep (just like he watched Bella sleep in the original book series). We also have him playing piano, and there's the concept of their powers again – Alice still has vision, Jasper can still influence moods, and Edward can still read minds.

However, the mind-reading was very inconsistent. We see him perfectly replicate Jake's order to the waitress and we also see him try and fail to read Mrs Black's mind – great. However, since his mind-reading is such a fundamental part of his character, I found many scenes lacked this. For example, the scene with the rapist – Edward could have felt Jacob's terror by hearing those thoughts, and maybe that would have made him even more angry and protective.

Anyways, I am intrigued by the plot. We have an unknown and mysterious voice who calls their master – which seems all very thrilling and mysterious, as well as the direct attack on Jacob. Jacob's powers also are interesting – part phoenix and part vampire? Cool. I'm excited to see that unravel more, and I suspect Jacob's father will come into play soon.

As you continue with your story, make sure to keep each scene and moment purposeful. Do we need to know exactly what Jacob is wearing to the dot? Do we need to see him clear up the dishes, or take ingredients out for pancakes? Will it influence the plot in any way at all? If not, I suggest leaving it out so that you can streamline your plot. A filler chapter or two isn't necessarily a bad thing – especially for when you're building romance – but you need to make sure it isn't going too off-track in regards to the storyline. 

OVERALL SCORE: 14.5/25

Overall, an interesting take of the Twilight series that is original and branches far away from the canon. Well done! Make sure you work on keeping tenses consistent, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!