Title: Money Hearts

Author: mortaltendencies

Summary: 3.5/5

Your summary most definitely intrigued me. As the reader, I can immediately feel underlying tension between Eleanor and Isaac, and there is a clear goal stated in the summary, which is great. I found the structure quite interesting – you start with the current goal, but then talk about how something happened in the past that makes them want nothing to do with each other.

Personally, I thought your summary could use some fleshing out. Why would they want to uncover the motive of this old friend? Why should the reader believe that they are not just a new student in town? What is so suspicious about them that makes Eleanor and Isaac have to team up?

And maybe consider restructuring your summary so that is starts with "Eleanor Lockhart and Isaac Crawford want nothing to do with each other, and there is a reason for that – [insert explanation]. However, when an old friend returns after disappearing for six years [insert brief explanation about why this is suspicious], they must..."

That way, the summary feels more cohesive. Otherwise, I'm excited to read on! Side note: I just opened up your book and read the 'synopsis' on the inside, and I think that's a perfect summary. Also, hang on, Rose in a Heartful of Thorns? I think I reviewed one of the earlier drafts for this? Maybe? I guess I'll find out. 

Grammar: 3.5/5

Overall, you definitely know the rules when it comes to grammar and punctuation. If there were any errors I found, it was mostly due to typos or little slips.

However, watch out for punctuation and dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I'm just a phone call away, right?" he'd turned his body completely towards me.

It should be:

"I'm just a phone call away, right?" He'd turned his body completely towards me.

Also, watch out for when the dialogue is interrupted by action. Instead of:

"They" his eyes darted to the left, "need me for something."

Instead, em dashes should be used so that it looks like:

"They"—his eyes darted to the left—"need me for something."

Also watch out for missing commas. For example:

He'd grown handsomely tall donning silver glasses, a grey suit and crisp black hair.

You need to make sure there is a comma between 'tall' and 'donning' like so:

He'd grown handsomely tall donning silver glasses, a grey suit and crisp black hair.

Next, watch out for a few slips with tenses. For example:

I ran my fingers through my curled hair before blowing a kiss at my reflection, relishing the way my peach-painted lips melt into an immaculate smile.

If we break that down, it looks like:

I ran my fingers... [ran = past tense]

... peach-painted lips melt into an immaculate smile. [melt = present tense]

You need to make sure your tenses are consistent.

And, finally, as mentioned before, you need to watch out for typos. Here are a few I found:

"You'd rather a bloke half your age even if it you'll never see your kids again." [you're missing a word after 'it']

"...she hadn't cheated on any ofthem." [you're missing a space between two words]

"I don't what to think." [you are missing a word before 'what']

Characterisation: 5/5

First person is hard to execute well, but I think you've handled it masterfully. Every description radiates personality, and feels purposeful towards each character. Well done!

Mental health is handled fantastically in your story. Eleanor's moment in the bathroom after she fled from the table was simply heartbreaking, but the way you executed it – coming in and out of memories and reality, using strategies such as counting and focusing on what she could see, feel, and smell – it was written exceptionally and felt very real. I like that Eleanor almost describes her lush, extravagant life with nonchalance – it makes her character feel very real.

I also like that Ansel and Eleanor connect instantly, both before she knows the DJs true identity and after. Him teasing her about being annoying like a cheerleader, her calling him an ape – it's fun and easy, and perfectly contrasts the heavy tension that Isaac brings to the story. In fact, when Ansel suddenly snapped at Eleanor after so comfortably sipping her tea, I was caught off guard – it was such a contradiction to the playful teasing that it felt like a bigger blow to the stomach.

Now, Isaac. I love how the story is initially framed to make us dislike him, but by chapter nine and them, we feel so sorry for him. The poor thing is so alienated after he lost his sister, and I thought it was a fantastic and powerful choice to have him talk to his dead sister rather than blurting out his side of the story to Ansel – it makes the reader sympathise more. It's interesting that the way he blames Eleanor almost mirrors the way she blames him, and I'm excited to learn more about what all these characters – parents included – are hiding from the reader. Great work! 

Writing Style: 4/5

Overall, your writing is clear, engaging, and fitting for the story you're telling. I already mentioned how well the writing executed falling in and out of memories and the present, with enough clues for the reader to feel settled but vulnerable. Well done!

Normally, I'm not fond of paragraphs and paragraphs of description when it comes to clothing – however, I feel like you purposely did that at times to emphasise the richness and classiness of Eleanor and her friends, since money seems to be a rather big theme within your story. However, do be careful when you're describing the friends themselves. For example:

Tanya's lack of height contradicted with how many secrets and gossips she'd collected inside her head.

That sentence summarises a few issues I had. First of all, it's very telling – it tells us that the character collects secrets and gossips, when, throughout the story, that can be shown to the reader through the way Tanya interacts with others. Secondly, since the story is in first person, it should sound like something Eleanor would say – the whole 'contradicted with how many secrets and gossips' feels awkwardly formal compared to the rest of the narration, and feels very out of place.

And finally, the sentence itself doesn't quite flow smoothly. What does height have anything to do with the number of secrets she has? Are you comparing her height to the length of a list of secrets she would have? The comparison itself might need some polishing. 

Plot + Originality: 5/5

As always, it's hard to judge the plot of a story when there are only ten chapters uploaded. However, the premise itself is promising – there are many secrets and shady business happening that is yet to be unveiled, the return of Ansel's family is suspicious as hell for everyone considering the past story, and there is so much exciting potential for Isaac and Eleanor to develop (I'm betting they'll get together!).

The start of your story is hooking, not overwhelming at all, and is quite immersive. The direction, thus far, is clear, purposeful, and I'm excited to see what comes next. Keep up the great work! 

OVERALL SCORE: 21/25

Overall, a great start with promising characterisation. Make sure you work on polishing up your punctuation, and you should be good to go. Upon reading, I realised that, yes, this was the story I reviewed over a year ago -- October, 2018, actually! I am loving the changes you have made, and this feels like a stronger opening, which makes me so happy because it's wonderful to see you grow as a writer. 

Anyways, I'm sorry that you didn't get the reviewer you initially requested –- I hope that's not too much of an issue!