Title: Make a Wish

Author: incrediblestories2

Summary: 4.5/5

I think this is actually a pretty beautiful summary. I love how well you've introduced Aubrey, as well as her past, the concept of the title, and where she's at now. Justin also, already, seems like an absolute sweetheart – and I love the use of rhetorical question, as well as the sense of dread that we get from the final sentence of the final paragraph. We get a vague sense of the conflict and stakes, and though I'd love more of it – like who she is protecting, and what sort of consequences you are talking about – I think you've done a fantastic job overall.

Also, quick thing:

Once Aubrey's sickening past catches up to her, she only has one goal; to protect those she loves from its consequences.

Consider changing the semicolon to a colon. 

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, your grammar was pretty polished. There were definitely a few things that needed polishing, however, and we'll go through them now.

First of all, dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Yeah, I'm okay." I lie, hoping it sounds truthful.

It should be:

"Yeah, I'm okay," I lie, hoping it sounds truthful.

Next, apostrophes. Whenever you are using the possessive term, you need an apostrophe. For example:

...wrapped in my husbands muscular arms, feeling nothing.

Since it is the husband's arm (he owns the arm), it should be:

...wrapped in my husband's muscular arms, feeling nothing.

Next, capitalising proper nouns. There was a specific mistake you made, and it's a difficult one, so don't worry! First, example:

"That's not how it works, mom!"

'Mum' should be capitalised, since it is used as a proper noun in that example. As in, that is what Aubrey calls her mother. It should be:

"That's not how it works, Mom!"

Next, tense. Obviously, during flashbacks, you used past tense, and you used present tense for the present. Which is a fantastic choice and worked well in your story. However, there were some sentences where you hadn't completely decided on a tense. For example:

My breath lags, but no gasp escaped my swollen, cracked lips.

If we break it down:

My breath lags... [lags = present tense]

...but no gasp escaped my swollen, cracked lips. [escaped = past tense]

Make sure you keep to one tense. Additionally, be careful of comma placement. For example:

Once upon a time I had a life.

For fluency, consider:

Once upon a time, I had a life.

It helps if you read the story aloud to pinpoint more moments where you need those pesky commas. Also, make sure you're formatting time correctly. For example:

3'0 clock.

It's actually:

Three o'clock.

And, finally, your story could use some brushing up in general. I found this misspelling:

I apbruptyly stand up.

I believe you were aiming for abruptly. 

Characterisation: 4/5

I have to say, this year, stories are blowing me away with such brilliant use of first-person narration – and your story is one of those! I loved your narration, regardless of character, because each voice dripped with idiosyncrasy and individuality. Aubrey, of course, made an impactful start with her sentence about once upon a time. Throughout the story, she shows how much she wants to be someone who is seen as more than 'cancer girl' – who wants to avoid pity. I really couldn't help but root for her. I got so mad at that darn teacher for spilling out to the whole class who she was (though, I suppose I should be grateful, as it helped Justin remember?).

Anyways, you know which perspective I adored? Her mother's perspective. It almost made the story feel like a documentary at first, in a good way. I just loved the desperation she felt when talking about changing religion, as well as blaming herself constantly. I do think there were moments where you could have driven home her heartache that little bit more, though. For example, when Aubrey is first in hospital, and her mother goes:

I sobbed and sobbed.

I think you could have given us more. Make her picture her baby girl. Make us see what a mother would see in that moment – all the possibilities that could have been, all the possibilities that may now be.

Speaking of the mother, there was one thing that made me feel a little disjointed. When she decides not to let Aubrey go to school, I can totally understand that. However, she goes into a "I know best" sort of mindset, and becomes rather antagonistic (even going as far to tamper with an alarm). I know she's probably dealing with some serious mental health issues herself, now, but I think what you're missing is the why. Why does she think that sending Aubrey to school is dangerous? It just needs to be a sentence or two. And maybe make it feel that little bit obsessive over that reasoning, too? Just a suggesting, because it did feel a little out of the blue.

Anyways, Justin. Poor boy had my heart from the moment I met him. He's so full of bad days – his father never remembering his birthday, him never meeting his half-sisters, his mother being mostly inconsiderate. I will throw George out of the house personally and buy Justin a cake with some pizza.

What I love is how Justin and Aubrey are opposites, and yet, they're the same. He feels forgotten by everyone he cares about, and while she's surrounded by people who are giving her an overwhelming amount of care, she feels forgotten because they remember the cancer – not her.

There's one more thing over here I want to talk about, and that's introducing characters. However, it also tied in with writing style, so I'll discuss it below.

Writing Style: 4/5

Okay, so I'll start with the thing I just discussed previously – introducing characters. When you're implementing description, try not to make it just an info-dump of what the character looks like. For example:

Trying my best to avoid his glance. His beautiful blue eyes made my dark ones seem incompetent in some way. His skin was so beautifully tanned that it seemed as though he had come from California, although he hadn't. He was tall for a fourteen year old. He was 6'0 and counting while I barely hit the mark at 5'7. His blonde hair was short on the sides and longer on top. He was hot, to be frank.

I'm glad you're adding visual description of him, but rather than stopping all action to describe him, consider weaving it into the story. Maybe something like, even though she was avoiding his gaze, she knew exactly what she would see – blue eyes, tan skin, blonde hair that was short on the sides. Don't overdo it too much, but phrase it in a way that doesn't make the story come to a complete halt.

That aside, you have some beautiful moments of imagery in your story! I love, love, loved your use of fragmented sentences, and the way you vividly described running like propelling yourself to a new beginning. Or even those moments of description about the blood, or comparing darkness to peace – those were great! I wish I saw more of those in future chapters.

Otherwise, as I mentioned, your use of first-person writing is stunning. Well done!

Plot + Originality: 5/5

What I loved about this story is that it felt very real. Even when Justin swears to remember Aubrey after their 'date', he does start to forget. He wasn't madly in love with her straight away or anything. Also, I adore how cyclical the story can be – two years ago, she told her mother to hurry up, and two years later, she feels that and changes what she says. Also nice to see how some things will change even when things feel different – like her mother, who will forever be haunted by the cancer.

Make sure to keep things purposeful as you write. Do we need three paragraphs of her just going to the fridge, getting cereal and milk, sitting on the table and doing that first crunch? And if you are going to do that, try doing it in a way that will maintain interest and intrigue.

Anyways, I love that your story calls out some important topics – like the reason people really donate, the questioning of altruism, and how cancer can change families. However, there were some moments that I wished you hadn't glossed over. For example, the date. Instead of:

As the 'date' goes by, I find myself more and more intrigued by Aubrey. She is funny, sarcastic, and there truly is a person beyond cancer.

Sweet, but we also only saw their one conversation. I wish we saw more scenes of the date, so you wouldn't have to tell this and, rather, show this to us. Also, the kiss? You mention, two years after the date, that they did kiss. But, the date scene itself? We didn't see it. And I thought that may have been significant, and yet, it wasn't mentioned for even a passing moment.

Anyways, the end of what you have so far is so cute, with him coming up to her and being all like, "You're not going anywhere." Now that he knows who she is and she's feeling confident with who she is, I'm excited to see where to go! Best of luck with the rest of the story. 

OVERALL SCORE: 20.5/25

Overall, a very moving story that discusses a lot of important topics. Make sure you work on your punctuation and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!