Title: Leyland Adventures

Author: EkingJames5

Summary: 3/5

Your summary has some great elements to it – it cohesively introduces the setting, the characters, and the goal in a brief, succinct manner. That's really impressive, so well done! However, there are a few things that I've noticed.

First of all, punctuation. Let's look at your first paragraph:

After an experiment gone wrong, a teenage boy named Tysashi meets a beautiful teenage fairy named Aradressa, after getting teleported to a new world, Leyland, the two set out to bring Tysashi back home to the world of Lenovo while learning about this new planet.

That should not be one entire sentence. It should be broken up into:

After an experiment gone wrong, a teenage boy named Tysashi meets a beautiful teenage fairy named Aradressa. After getting teleported to a new world, Leyland, the two set out to bring Tysashi back home to the world of Lenovo while learning about this new planet.

Next, the second paragraph of your summary reads less of how a writer would pitch their story, and more like how a reviewer would summarise your story. If that's what you were going for, that's fine. But personally, as a reader, I would want more specific detail – what are the stakes? What new friends and friendships? What could go wrong? What is the danger? Right now, it feels a little vague and more like a teaser than a summary. 

Grammar: 2.5/5

Your grammar and punctuation could use a bit of brushing up, especially since it got to a point where the reading experience was a little awkward because of the errors. That's okay, though – I'm here to break down the major ones. Beware: there also are typos and missing words here and there. However, for this review, I'll be talking about the recurring mistakes I found that may need revising:

First of all, dialogue. Whenever you have dialogue, followed by a dialogue tagged which indicates who spoke and how they spoke, you need to keep it on the same line. For example:

"Ugh.....man I really don't wanna wake up today."

Lennon said as he tossed and turned in his bed.

It should be:

"Ugh.....man I really don't wanna wake up today." Lennon said as he tossed and turned in his bed.

But wait! It's still not correct. Because now, let's talk about punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). So, it should be:

"Ugh....man I really don't wanna wake up today," Lennon said as he tossed and turned in his bed.

Hold on, we're still not done! Now let's talk about the ellipsis. When you are using ellipsis, restrict it to three dots – not five, not ten (which happened quite a lot). It should simply be:

"Ugh...man, I really don't wanna wake up today," Lennon said as he tossed and turned in his bed.

Next, let's talk about run-on sentences. Here is an example from your story:

Tyashi took time to reflect on what he said, the dark history of their childhood still consumed him.

That is a run-on sentence. Why? Because you have two independent clauses in one sentences with a comma to separate them, making it a comma splice. Since the two clauses work perfectly on their own, they can easily be separated by a period instead.

Finally, tenses. These were more subtle, but you did fluctuate between past tense and present tense. For example:

He had no problem wearing pink clothing... [had = past tense]

...just as long as it's light pink. [it's = it is/it has = present tense]

"It's" is always present tense. It can either be 'it is' or 'it has', which are both examples of present tense. 

Characterisation: 3/5

There are some nice moments of characterisation within your story. I did like Lennon and his sarcastic quips, and how he tended to be more serious than Tysashi. Tysashi, too, had some funny moments – with certain bunny suit moments, or when he was ripped off by getting soda instead of potions.

However, I found there was a lack of feeling when it came to the writing of these characters. Let's look at some examples.

"Lennon was electrified, but ok."

Being electrocuted is actually really big, really painful, and life-threatening. Describe that pain for us. Make us feel the character, the stakes, the intensity of the moment. Don't gloss over it. And, speaking of glossing over it:

"Yeah, well, after what happened, you're all I have as family now and if I ever lost you.......life wouldn't be worth living anymore."

That's such a beautiful thing for one brother to say to another, but I felt nothing. There was no description of the tenderness, of the softness. There was no description of how they felt, of how he sounded when he said it – there was no pause to really let the reader feel the loss.

Let's talk about the characters from Leyland now. Aradress has a unique voice to her dialogue, which is great. Her innocence was super cute, just going out and about and bringing strangers into her castle. I honestly really liked Marissa, her mother, who, while stuck-up and more or less called Tysashi trash, was the most relatable and realistic of them all. Like, I, too wouldn't let some stranger stay in my castle (but then again, she eventually lets him stay in her daughter's room, so never mind?).

Which leads me to my next point: the characters feel very cartoonish and superficial. It's like minimal thought goes into their decisions. Okay, they're discussing the gemstones he needs, how it's in a dragon's stomach and they had to find the eggs and defeat it and all, and they agree in a heartbeat. There is no stress, no stakes emphasised.

Aradressa and Tysashi's attraction was instant, and it was quite sweet seeing her want to stare at stars with him and her fascination over his love for peppermints. Be careful not to overdo it, though – by the end, Aradressa became a little irritating in that, her entire character seemed to be obsessing over Tysashi. She misses him when she doesn't see him in bed, she needs his opinion on her bikini, and such. Not as aggravating as Lily, for sure, but still – consider giving characters more foundation, more clear traits. 

Writing Style: 2/5

Okay. Overall, your writing was quite quirky and animated. However, this, in my opinion, is the part you could work on the most.

First of all, description. Description, description, description. There wasn't nearly enough of it, considering we were in a different world with fairies and magic and such. What did Bromie Backwoods look like? What does Leyland look like? I could not, for a second, tell you how Leyland is different to our world, which is incredibly jarring for the reader.

Please try including more descriptions, to counter the massive lumps of dialogue. It'll add more feeling and immersion to your story. I highly recommend you look at using metaphor, simile, personification, and all the other literary devices that exist – that way, your story will have more feeling to it.

And, when you do describe, make sure it's nothing too vague like:

The sky was pink and everything was the way it was supposed to be.

We, as the reader, have just stepped into this world. We have no idea what it normally is like. We don't know the way it is supposed to be. You have to go on and describe it for us in lush, purposeful description.

Next, dialogue tags. It's actually really, really difficult to work out who is speaking sometimes, simply because you tend to not use dialogue tags at all, or your dialogue tags are in a completely separate line to the dialogue. It may be beneficial for you to occasionally include dialogue tags such as 'Tysashi said' so that the reader can instantly know who is speaking.

Next, your narrator. Is your narrator supposed to be a character? Because, if not and it's supposed to be regular third-person narration, you need to avoid sentences such as:

Seeming as the two have already wasted enough time...

Why is it a problem? It's opinionated. It's amusing, yes, but it's opinionated – and omniscient third-person narration (since it's certainly not limited) does not quite work with it. Also, avoid:

Our hero was spotted by a group of three teenagers (Nate, Taj, Lincoln).

The reader hasn't met these new boys yet. So don't tell us their names – show us the introductions in a purposeful manner that will leave an impression and make us remember them. By just tossing their names in brackets at the end makes the writing lack professionalism.

Speaking of professionalism, avoid:

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Why write that down when you can describe it? The blaring alarm, the shrillness of it all? Another example:

"Speaking of the bathroom, I need to take a shower...... But I don't have any other underwear."

*seconds later*

Don't write *seconds later* with the asterisks. Weave that into the writing. Write, "Seconds later, [insert what happens seconds later]." That way, your story still has professionalism and does not break away from the narrative.

Plot + Originality: 2.5/5

You have some pretty nice moments of tension – events such as the arena, and getting chased by carnivorous fish. You also have some cool concepts. The seashell currency? All the types of magic? The part about hearts and the carvings, which a nice message about what love is supposed to mean? Those are all lovely.

However, the chapters feel episodic and don't feel like they are leading anywhere. It all seems very filler-y, and even though the chapters are very, very long, I feel like nothing happens but too much happens simultaneously.

Normally, I don't like to talk about the length of chapters. I don't believe there is 'too long' or 'too short'. However, a chapter must have a clear beginning, middle and end, and your chapters do not have that. They drag on, overwhelm the reader with too much information, and mostly consists of lots of dialogue that doesn't help ground the reader.

For example, let's look at the very first chapter. We have Tysashi fall into a new world through a teleportation machine after having breakfast with his brother, he meets Aradressa, and already, by the end, she's calling him 'her prince' and they've eaten meals together, she's healed his wounds after he fell and left a crater in the ground, they've met a whole bunch of other people.

Speaking of other people, do we even need to know all the guards' names in the first chapter when they don't ever pop up again? Too many new names in a single chapter is really hard for readers to keep track of. Even now, after reading and rereading, I probably couldn't recall all the characters and names, nor could I tell you what makes most of them distinct.

In other words, make sure your chapters have a clear beginning, middle and end. Your latest chapter, according to Wattpad, takes an average reader an hour to read – that's an indication that it's maybe too long. Besides, it's just a collection of scenes – volleyball, chased by fishes, going to the swimsuit store and seeing other girls in bikinis.

Even in that first chapter, do we need to see Lennon contemplate which fruits to cut up for his brother? Also, random side note, if it's just the two of them, why are they eating so much? Pancakes, eggs, hash browns, sausages, toast, oatmeal, omelettes, bacon, biscuits, strawberries, grapes, sliced bananas, kiwi, raspberries, blueberries, and... pineapple slices. Even if a bunch of the latter ones were blended into a smoothie, it felt so extra.

If cartoonish writing and episodic chapters was your intention, though, well done – you've achieved that! 

OVERALL SCORE: 13/25

Overall, a nice premise! Just work on your dialogue and punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!