Title: I Found Him on Wattpad

Author: dNovelFreak

Summary: 3.5/5

I have to admit, your summary totally cracked me up. The whole 'numbers exchanged, meet up, family drama, marriage and happily ever after', contrasted with how that does not happen, was absolutely excellent. I like that you tie that to the conflict – his disappearance, and add in the extra complication. Well done! This was a very fun summary that is very quirky and enticing.

A few things to fix up, though. When you're using ellipses (...), make sure that it is only three periods – not ten periods (..........). Also, you need a bit of punctuation to make your sentences cohesive. For example:

If this is what you are expecting then I'm sorry!

Consider changing it to:

If this is what you are expecting, then I'm sorry!

Also, 'ex' doesn't need to be capitalised. Finally, avoid using more than one punctuation mark at the end of your sentences. One question mark, if it's a question, is sufficient. 

Grammar: 2/5

Okay, so overall, your grammar needs quite a bit of work. It did get to a point where I genuinely was struggling to follow the story due to incorrect grammar. But, don't worry – I'm here to help you with that.

So, as mentioned above in the summary section, your ellipsis should only be three periods (...). Additionally, you have run-on sentences that need revising, a few of your sentences don't begin with capital letters, and, for the sake of redundancy, you do not need to use so many punctuation marks at the end of sentences. You don't need to say, "Hi!!!!!". If you want to show that a character is excited, describe it – but we'll get to this later.

Another major issue was your sentences. You were mostly in past tense, but you often fluctuated into present tense. For example, here are two sentences that are directly beside each other within the story:

The girl in the mirror beamed with a proud smile... [beamed = past tense]

As I wear my blazer... [wear = present tense]

Next, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Can you please reduce the TV volume" I screamed.

Since it is a question, it should be:

"Can you please reduce the TV volume?" I screamed.

Additionally, when more than one character is speaking, each character should have their dialogue in a new paragraph. For example:

"How was your day?" Dad asked on the dining table. I couldn't stop smiling like a kid who had got her favourite candy. "It was amazing!!" I replied.

It should be:

"How was your day?" Dad asked on the dining table.

I couldn't stop smiling like a kid who had gotten her favourite candy. "It was amazing!" I replied.

Characterisation: 3/5

Okay, so Kushi is a very quirky protagonist. I'll admit, I struggled to engage with her because she's an adult who acts like a child – even in extremely dire situations. However, that aside, she's very clever, which makes her a fun protagonist. She single-handedly works out the truth about Vivaan, and we can see her put the two and two together when she realises the notifications from the guy in front of her was dinging in time to her messages. Then, she goes on to realise he was the bomber, which is cool – and I like that she kept that information hidden from the reader until the very end. It adds a sense of mystery.

Now, let's talk about Vivaan. Are we supposed to even like him at the start? Obviously, his texts with Kushi are quite funny, especially when he makes her smile despite herself (who could forget the classic 'if a girl says nothing, she means everything'?). But, to be completely honest, I found him quite annoying and nagging. It's very sweet that he compliments her, saying that she's the most beautiful girl on the planet before even meeting her, but that struck me as creepy.

So, of course, when he turned out to be the antagonist, I wasn't even surprised. On the bright side, I liked that he had a backstory to lead him into his crime, and he also showed a bit of humanity in his redeemable qualities – for example, he stopped texting Kushi because he didn't mean to make her fall in love with him. 

Shourya is alright, though, the most I can say about him is that he is madly in love with Kushi. It's sweet, and certainly less creepy than Vivaan, but I didn't really feel their relationship grow (though, that last chapter with the engagement rings and him bringing her onto the stage was cute!).

The thing I struggled with in terms of characterisation was that it was rushed. I will talk about this a lot in writing style, because I think that's where the issue stems from for me. I found the characters lacked cohesion and realism (as in, they did things that just didn't feel rational or realistic), and because they all spoke and ended their sentences with '!!!' or '???', they ended up sounding very similar to one another. 

Writing Style: 2/5

I'm going to start by saying that, overall, a lot of your sentences need revising. It was partially a grammar thing, but partially a thing about your sentences lacking direction, and thus, making them extremely difficult to understand. For example, I spent minutes agonising over the following sentence:

"Why the hell did you take bath the to hug to the sweating me is it?"

I still have no idea what it was supposed to be saying. I recommend that you go back, read your story aloud, and make sure they form proper sentences.

Next, your story lacks setting. I hardly caught a glimpse of the setting – the sounds, the smells, the visuals. Which is such a shame, because the setting could really be used to build up the tension by emphasising how the explosives have made everything uneasy and quite chilling. Setting can help build mood, and is also super important for immersing the reader.

Additionally, you have a lot of dialogue and minimal descriptions to back it up and enrichen the writing. I'd consider fleshing your writing out more. Consider adding figurative language – personification, metaphor, simile – to help you out here! It'll make your story rich with and engaging.

Now, let's get into more detail. Let's look at a slight scene directly, and point out why a) the characters lacked realism, b) the narrative lacked mood, and c) the writing felt rushed. Here is an excerpt from when Kushi shot Vivaan:

Before I knew the bullet in my gun was fired at Vivaan's leg!

Finally all those practises somehow helped me!!!

YASSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

Okay, so, there's a gunshot. First thing you should consider is describing it for us. If you've ever seen a gun get shot, the impact is huge. The sound literally sounds like it's ripping a whole through the air, and it's enough to send the holder of the gun stumbling back if they're not ready for it. Not only is there a lack of drama and tension due to the lack of description of the gunshot, but Kushi's reaction feels extremely unrealistic.

In a scene like that, there would be a lot of panic – a lot of chaos. 'YASSSSSSSS!!!!' is not how a normal person would respond to shooting someone – especially if they're a grown adult. We also don't know whether her heart is racing, whether her head is reeling, whether her hands are clammy and cold. Show us the moment. Take us there. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

I like how you foreshadowed straight away, with the news report about the bombings. And though I totally called Vivaan being involved in some way, I was not expecting the guns, nor was I expecting Kushi to be in the thick of the action. Well done at surprising the reader like that!

I also found it super interesting how culture comes into play, with some elements of the plot being so easily influenced by culture – such as the astrologer telling the family that she needed to be married in three months. While it was funny, it's also an example of how you could slow down the pace. Your pace is extremely quick – and while that is good for action, it is a bit too quick and leads to rushed characterisation and a lack of clarity.

So, with the part about the astrologer, you could have fleshed out the story more by even including that as a scene. You could have the astrologer come over, and then, we can see how Kushi responds to him, and how that dynamic influences the family. We can see more of the culture and setting, and show how those values and beliefs underpin some of the decisions Kushi makes.

That being said, I adore the message of your story! Don't trust everyone you meet online! Well done – that's such an important message.

OVERALL SCORE: 14.5/25

Overall, an interesting story that is full of plot twists. Make sure you work on your grammar and punctuation, as well as carefully building up your plot, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!