Title: Fright School

Author: kacquah

Summary: 4.5/5

You have a pretty great summary! You've introduced your world very well, as well as the concepts. I'm sure that any fantasy lover – myself included – would see something like this and instantly pick it off the shelf. Even though you don't necessarily name them, you introduce the protagonists in a vague way, show the reader how their lives intertwine, and introduce the conflict that will affect these characters. You also weave in the stakes, saying that what they decide to do will influence their fate. Well done!

My only issue is that some sentences are a little clunky and awkward to read. For example:

"All that changes when certain teenagers whose lives seem to be predestined by a mysterious group to face an inescapable force are targeted for their individual secrets and abilities they harbor."

It's a long sentence, and it lacks punctuation to make it more fluent and clear. I would write it as:

"All that changes when certain teenagers – whose lives seem predestined by a mysterious group to face an inescapable force – are targeted for their individual secrets and abilities."

Another one:

"By reading this book you allow this world to completely take you..."

Personally, for clarity purposes, I would include a comma so that it looks like:

"By reading this book, you allow this world to completely take you..." 

Grammar: 3/5

As stated above, some of your sentences lack punctuation. This occasionally made your writing unclear and awkward to read. Along with this, there were sentences that were incomplete. However, the biggest and most consistent error I found had to do with punctuation. I thought I'd show some details.

First of all, when more than a single character is speaking, each character should have a new paragraph for their dialogue. For example, you wrote:

The passenger glanced back – sure enough, he saw them. "Faster, boy, faster!" he shouted. The boy shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

In that paragraph, two different characters were speaking. It should be:

The passenger glanced back – sure enough, he saw them. "Faster, boy, faster!" he shouted.

The boy shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

Next, you need to make sure that sentences end with full-stops – even if they are followed by dialogue. Unless the sentence directly refers to the dialogue using a verbal dialogue tag, they should be separated by a full stop. For example:

The boy didn't know what to think, but he kept his foot on the pedal "what the hell is that?" He asked again.

There were a few issues with that above example. First of all, the dialogue is not separated from the narration. Secondly, the 'he asked' should not start with a capital 'h' because it's still part of the dialogue and is not the start of a new sentence. Therefore, it should be:

The boy didn't know what to think, but he kept his foot on the pedal. "What the hell is that?" he asked again.

Now, the biggest issue I found was dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"This, my dear partner, is the answer" Peter said.

You need some sort of punctuation before the closing inverted commas. It should be:

"This, my dear partner, is the answer," Peter said.

Character Building: 3.5/5

From the moment I started reading, I loved Joseph's sarcasm. Furthermore, we see that same wit in his son, Allan, as he cleverly toys with the priests to try getting away. I laughed at some of his internal dialogue – for example, when he was referring to himself as 'Santa Claus' when he was hanging by the naked man's window. Not only was his occasionally bursts of humour great for building a connection with the reader, but he also showed that he had flaws – he was tempted by the old lady with the cloak, and though he held true to himself, it shows that he isn't morally perfect. Great work at making him complex!

I love that all stories with the alternating characters start very different – we have Allan stealing, we have a rather heart-warming story with Vincent from Boris, we have a terrifying moment with Rose running into a figure with black eye sockets, Frank in an aeroplane – they're all crazy different, and yet, they all intertwine and come together as one. I love that trope, and excellent job planning it out! Personally, I found Rose the most relatable – especially when I saw her struggle to make friends with Victoria in school. However, the distinct people make it very easy for various readers to find someone they connect with.

I like that some of the story was foreshadowed through the characters and their thoughts. For example, we had a beautiful moment where a tear slips out of Allan's eye as he thinks about his mother and, sure enough, after a few tragic events ensue, he does find her. I like that cyclical story, so again, great work!

However, if I'm completely honest, the five voices don't sound all that distinct. While they all seem to carry a big of charm and childishness in their tone due to their age, I just felt like I wasn't quite living and breathing each character. I thought really hard about why, and I think I found the reason: realism. The narration lacked realism.

For example, let's go back to when Avery and Victoria are attacked by the glass-like red wall. Victoria is thrown on her back, but you didn't slow down the pace to show to the reader the pain she would have felt, or the frantic panic she may have felt. If you want us to delve more into the character, then you should show us these details.

Additionally, keep it real, even in the narration. Imagine you are in the moment as you're writing it. When Allan is running for his life, would he really stop to say, "Rive was eighty years old, but he was still quite energetic and talented?" Or would he gloss over that in that moment, and properly introduce Rive when the situation is less dire? 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

I really like the occasional descriptions! The description of Cairo was beautiful, and I love that you used sensory imagery throughout the entire story – describing minor details, such as corridors, by showing the reader that they smelt like roses and lavender. I wish you did more of this because, as the story progressed, I found that there was more dialogue and less description to balance it out.

I would just be careful with redundancy. Sometimes, when you wrote, you'd often repeat what you've already written. For example:

"The hotel room, lit only by a faint bathroom light, was the only thing lighting up the dark room as..."

In that sentence, you've already said that the hotel room was only lit by a faint bathroom light. You don't need to add the 'was the only thing lighting up the dark room'.

Along with this, sometimes, you simply don't finish the sentence. It sounds like it is leading somewhere, but then it doesn't quite finish a point. For example:

"Mrs Filch, an incredibly irritable woman but quite headstrong, however she managed to convince management to keep her pet in her room was still a mystery."

That sentence, quite simply, does not make sense. It isn't complete. Maybe try:

"Mrs Filch, an incredibly irritable woman but quite headstrong, had somehow managed to convince management to keep her pet in her room. How? He had no idea." 

Plot + Uniqueness: 4/5

I absolutely love the amount of magic in the world. Being chased by an oversized cat, dragonflies being the eyes of the priest, pirate mummies, dwarves – there are so many concepts in here that are just so fascinating and intriguing, and definitely underrepresented. Well done on being so inclusive! I love how all these crazy magical elements are normalised for the characters, because it almost adds a layer of humour due to the casual way all these magical components are treated.

However, I have one quick issue about the use of magic: to add a sense of realism and to make the readers feel even more engaged with the story, you need to show us the mechanics underlying it. When a character uses magic of any sort, you should show us – especially since it is in first person – how the character feels as they use it. When Allan uses the Detrity and has orange aura bursting from his palms, what does he feel? Does he feel something in his blood? If their eyes change colour, do they feel that?

Anyways, I absolutely love the setting. It feels somewhat dystopian and futuristic at times, but then there are also some more medieval-esque concepts involved. I love the way you've played with time and eras to create a truly unique setting, so well done!

The story itself, while it felt a little disorganised at first, had some great moments. I loved the flashbacks every now and then and how it added depth to the character, I like it when their destinies intertwine, and I love the symbolism of the golden items and friendship.

My guess is that there will be a sequel? While the story ties itself up really nicely, there are definitely some loose ends that need resolving – after all, Peter found a way to take down the warlords, and with plans to destroy the children and Moonsville... oh boy, that will be one action-packed sequel! 

OVERALL SCORE: 18.5/25

Overall, a fascinating and colourful concept with lots of magic and friendship involved. I recommend looking over your dialogue and fixing up the punctuation there. Otherwise, you should be good to go. I hope this review helps! Sorry, again, for the delay – I totally underestimated how long your story was.