Title: Fated Connection

Author: brighteyez1610

Summary: 3/5

Your summary is pretty solid. It introduces key elements – the protagonist, some of the paranormal elements, the romance, and the conflict. The use of rhetorical question, too, was also quite effective. Well done! However, there are somethings I've noticed.

Your summary feels a little clunky. Things keep being thrown in, but they're never segued from one point to another. What exactly is the war about and how is she pulled in? Where did the mysterious vampire come from? When you say she's fighting to survive – which, I assume, is from the war – survive from what? And the "there's always something that keeps them apart" feels like an anticlimactic end to the summary, instead of one strong point that has the reader itching for more.

Also, "can't" was missing the apostrophe between 'n' and 't'. 

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, your grammar is pretty polished. However, there are some rules that need revising.

The biggest issue had to do with dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"We have to. There's no other choice." He replied gently.

It should be:

"We have to. There's no other choice," he replied gently.

Additionally, when you have an action tag before the dialogue (not a verbal tag), you need a period before the dialogue. For example:

I backed away shaking my head, "I can't do this."

Not only are you missing a comma, but the comma that you do have needs to be replaced with a period. It should be:

I backed away, shaking my head. "I can't do this."

Next, incorrect forms of words. There are some moments where you express certain words incorrectly. For example:

Nova started again, excited dispersing his irritation.

It should be 'excitement', as opposed to excited.

"You better watch that pretty mouth before I shove my cock down your throat," the man growl inches from his face.

Your 'growl' is missing a correct tense. It should be 'growled'.

I scrambled to my feet as quickly as I could, struggling to breath through the dust and debris floating in the air.

'Breath' is the noun. You are looking for breathe, which is the verb.

And, finally, you need to look out for your tenses. For example:

If I had to choose I trusted her more than I trust Dominic.

First of all, you need a comma after the word 'choose'. Secondly, you are mixing up tenses. For example:

I trusted her... [trusted = past tense]

...more than I trust Dominic. [trust = present tense]

Also, in that chapter, Dominic was spelt as Dominc at some point, so maybe consider revising that. 

Characterisation: 3.5/5 

I think Nova is a great character. From the beginning, I was enchanting by his energy – the way he owned his confidence, the way he expressed his charisma. It was a relief to see a 'best friend' who turns out to be powerful and an absolute badass when it came to the magical elements, as well. His perspective was quite eye-opening – seeing the way he gets angry and lunges (bring the poor salad bowl to the floor), his anxiety attacks, and his rage.

It's good to see him developing into a more serious, stressed character – however, do consider remembering who he was at the start. We don't want him to seem completely out of character, because the Nova at the start and the current Nova are almost two completely different people. Mind you, I love the development, but characters do need to carry part of who they were in the beginning. (Also, that aside, Hatter and Nova? I suspected it from the beginning, and I support it.)

Nevada's narration could be quite comical at times. She was very spacey, due to her internal monologue essentially being your worldbuilding technique, and it was funny seeing her abuse donuts and judge Hatter's name in very serious moments of the story. I did feel that she and August's feelings grew a bit too quickly, and her sudden yearning for him always came out of nowhere for me – though, I suppose the story is called Fate Connection for a reason.

Be careful of telling and not showing – especially when you're discussing characters we haven't even met yet. For example:

Torch was an ancient and powerful Folmorian who was always in search of more power. He was greedy and cruel. He had always resented the fact that his family had not been royalty and had used everything he could get his hands on to terrorise the world in revenge.

Since your story was in first person, this was your character literally blurting out to the reader who the villain is and what their intentions are. It may be far more effective to show something like this; it's more engaging. Whether it be an actual confrontation between characters, or a discussion about it, or at least with some feeling intertwined with the writing – showing would be more effective. 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

Overall, your writing was pretty smooth and easy to follow. The transition from internal monologue to present action is cohesive, and you have some beautiful moments of description. For example, comparing how natural Michael's confidence was to the scent of a rose? Fantastic.

However, I do wish you milked out the mood more, as well as the setting. In fact, I found that, while some rooms were described in a succinct and purposeful manner, I didn't quite feel like we were in new settings whenever there was a change in scene. Especially the clubs, or the streets – I want to know exactly what they look and feel like, so I can be grounded as more paranormal elements are introduced.

Also, onto more specific and technical things, make sure your sentence structures aren't to repetitive, as that can be jarring for the reader. For example, let's have a look at some sentences you have. All of these sentences were presented one another the other within the story:

I was nervous yet intrigued...

I was almost tempted to ask...

I reluctantly pulled my attention...

I watched as most people moved...

I shook my head.

I saw the appeal...

All of those sentences have the same structure: [pronoun] [verb] [continuation]. Can you see how it can be almost robotic and repetitive when read aloud? It's an indication that your sentence structures aren't being manipulated enough.

Next, when it comes to dialogue, consider saying it aloud and role-playing it so that you know the dialogue is cohesive. For example:

"What do you mean? How did you almost kill Hatter?"

"Exactly what it sounds like, Nevada."

I understand the second sentence is a response to the first question, but people don't talk like that. They don't answer the first question and move onto the second one in a logical manner. We directly respond to the most recent question, and if we do respond to the first sentence first, then we make a point to address that. Right now, that answer sounds completely out of place and strange.

Finally, watch out for the way you describe certain things.

"Nova! Wait!" Hatter called, his tone pleasing.

If you're going to describe someone's tone as 'pleasing', you have to elaborate. What do you mean by it was 'pleasing'? Pleasing to listen to? Pleasant to the ear? Or did you mean pleading?

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

Overall, the plot has definitely taken quite an interesting turn! Now that Nevada and Nova have left August and that claustrophobic home, know about their parents, and are with the warlock – while still possibly hiding from danger – I'm very interesting to see where they go from here. I'm hoping for some character development, where they learn to embrace their parents' decisions and learn to leash and control their power.

Speaking of power, I do have a little complaint. This might just be me, but I am a firm believer that, when magic is written in stories, we can't just see the magic with all its beauty and grace. We should be able to know how the character feels when they use the magic – especially since this is in first person. I want to feel the power in their own blood, and I want to see the mechanics and thoughts underpinning it. If someone has a ball of blue energy in her palms, what does it feel like? What is the cost?

Also, keep as much of the story as purposeful as possible. Do we need to know that Nevada spent ten minutes brushing her hair? Doing her teeth? Washing her face? If not, consider leaving it out.

Otherwise, great work so far! 

OVERALL SCORE: 16.5/25

Overall, an interesting story so far with some great concepts! Make sure you work on your punctuation with dialogue, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!