Title: Fall or Fly

Author: xxInAHeartbeatxx

Summary: [no score – will not be added to final score]

I decided not to score your summary, as you don't really have one. You've chosen a pretty popular choice on Wattpad; an excerpt of the story presented as the summary to reel readers in. It very clearly establishes that it's a romance story, which is great. However, if you are ever going to use an excerpt from your story in the summary, make sure that it's polished. This means that the grammar and punctuation are accurate. But more about that in the next section!

Grammar: 2/5

Overall, your grammar could definitely use some work. I'll break down the major things I saw throughout your chapters.

Firstly, dialogue tags and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Thanks. I guess chivalry isn't dead." I say in a girly voice.

It should be:

"Thanks. I guess chivalry isn't dead," I say in a girly voice.

Another example:

"Children this is Katrina and Gareth" She opened one arm to introduce them.

Since that example does not have a verbal dialogue tag, it should be:

"Children, this is Katrina and Gareth." She opened one arm to introduce them.

You'll have noticed that I also added a comma after the word 'children'. Throughout your story, there was a lack of comma in the necessary places. I highly recommend that you read your story aloud to look out for where you pause for fluency; those pauses usually indicate that you need a form of punctuation. Also, watch out for run-on sentences. Here is an example:

Today was a special day and all the children were getting ready, the girls were fixing their dresses and the boys were complaining about their bowties.

That sentence is a run-on sentence, which is where you have two independent clauses in one sentence with a comma or nothing to separate them. In this case, since you've used a comma between "getting ready" and "the girls were fixing", you have a comma splice. To resolve this, either change the comma to a period, or revise the second clause so that it is no longer independent. These are the options:

Today was a special day and all the children were getting ready. The girls were fixing their dresses and the boys were complaining about their bowties.

(Alternately, you can change the period to a semicolon.) And here is another option:

Today was a special day and all the children were getting ready, the girls fixing their dresses and the boys complaining about their bowties.

Next, let's talk about tenses. You keep changing back and forth between past tense and present tense. For example:

I stared at the lousy, unnecessary, and over the top gesture that was meant to impress me. [stared, was = past tense]

"I guess it's a nice colour." I shrug. [shrug = present tense]

You need to make sure your tenses are consistent throughout your story. Also watch out for contractions; whenever you are using a contraction, make sure that there is an apostrophe to indicate it is a contraction. For example:

Its not like we're dating or anything.

Since you meant, "it is not like we're dating or anything", you need the apostrophe so that it looks like:

It's not like we're dating or anything.

And, finally, a good revision is required. You're missing full-stops, you're capitalising letters that don't need to be capitalised, and you have misspelt words – such as the word vulnerable. 

Characterisation: 3/5

Instantly, Charlotte stood out as a character because she was the one child in the home who didn't want foster parents (or, at least, didn't think she would ever get one). From the very start, she was sassy – even calling Katrina out for staring. It was great to see the narration carry that same sarcasm. In fact, there were some great moments of humour – like Dhaleekah and Caleb's banter, and also when Charlotte internally panics and swears when Caleb admits that his mother commit suicide because she was acting rather sarcastic and heartless.

Actually speaking of that moment, I feel like your story glosses over feelings a lot. For example, when Caleb does say that, it feels very much like a throwaway line – especially since we learn that before we even learn his name. It doesn't feel like it's a sensitive thing, and when he says it, there's no mood change. I think you need to slow down the pace because, in that moment, he sounded totally heartless.

Anyways, you have wonderful development with Charlotte – especially when we see her no longer want to hurt herself because she found smiling addictive, and because she realised she felt true happiness. That was great development – well done! It may have been more effective, though, if her narration had been less comedic to begin with and discussed the topic of self-harm with more conviction and realism.

Another thing: you are in first person. You can afford to give us internal monologue where it matters, and that will make your story far more immersive. When Charlotte catches Caleb with the half-naked tutor, what does she think upon seeing them? What does she feel? We know she screams, but make us feel what she feels – does her stomach churn? Does it feel like her heart has stopped?

Similarly, when Caleb dies, you describe what she does – shaky breaths, crying. But what does she think? What does she feel? The chapter after that showed us that fantastically, but I think you needed more of it in the previous chapter, when she saw Caleb. If you want her to feel nothing but numbness, establish that through the description as well.

Writing Style: 2.5/5

I mentioned the description above, and I'll mention it again – you need more of it. In the first chapter, while I liked hearing about the kids and how they dressed up, I had no idea what the foster care looked like. That's pretty big, because foster cares can go from looking like very wonderful and respectful places, to looking like they are falling apart. That description can make us sympathise with Charlotte more, and helps your story become more immersive.

Next, let's talk about your dialogue. It's sometimes very hard to work out who is talking, and this is because your dialogue tags don't really correlate with the dialogue presented beside it. For example (I've corrected punctuation errors for the sake of the example):

"I'm just surprised you didn't take me to a bar, or worse, Starbucks," I mused, assessing the place. A waiter came up to us and brought us to a free table.

"Is this when you tell me your grandma owns this place or some other family café shit?" He gives me a cocky smile in return. Arrogance and ignorance.

"Actually, my mum used to take me here every Sunday and we'd talk for hours on end." It was my turn to smirk at him.

"So you're a mama's boy, huh?" I giggled a little.

The first paragraph makes it very clear who is talking. Then, because the next paragraph has the 'He gives me a cocky smile', I assumed he spoke – even though it had actually still been Charlotte. Then, that error carried over to the next paragraph because of the 'It was my turn to smirk at him'. I would revise it so it looks like:

"I'm just surprised you didn't take me to a bar, or worse, Starbucks," I mused, assessing the place. A waiter came up to us and brought us to a free table. "Is this when you tell me your grandma owns this place or some other family café shit?"

He gives me a cocky smile in return. "Actually, my mum used to take me here every Sunday and we'd talk for hours on end."

It was my turn to smirk at him. "So you're a mama's boy, huh?" I giggled a little.

See how that makes it a lot clearer who is speaking? Additionally, avoid using the same sentence structure multiple times in a row. Here is an excerpt from your story, where I've only included the starts of all the sentences:

I slammed the door shut...

I hear Caleb's voice...

I kept walking...

I don't even know why...

I burst through the school door...

Apart from the conflicted tenses, every sentence starts with 'I [verb] [elaboration]'. This is incredibly repetitive and jarring for the reader, so I recommend manipulating your sentence structure more to make the writing rich and diverse.

And don't just put up pictures of the clothes she wore – describe it to us using words and figurative language. 

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

The ending of your story was simply stellar. I love the philosophy of scars meaning that you are stronger than whatever tried to hurt you, and though Caleb's death came as a surprise to me, it was a very bittersweet ending – the letter starting with 'Dear Porcupine' was a great way to throw in some nostalgia, and the epilogue was fantastic. She lived. She survived. She even had a child. I also did like that Caleb's death almost echoed his own backstory, with the concept of leaving someone all alone.

The story definitely has moments of tension, with Caleb's death being the pivotal climax. However, there were moments where I felt the story lost momentum, and where I wasn't sure what the point of the plot was at a point. A lot of the issues were resolved very quickly – like Caleb being caught kissing another girl while Charlotte was developing other feelings and the kiss with Zeke after Caleb is made at her. Also, a lot of the side characters that were introduced felt like they fizzled out of the story and felt quite purposeless.

An issue I had was that your chapters were very short. I usually don't mind short chapters – any chapter length is fine as long as there is a clear beginning, middle, and end. However, yours felt so short that I didn't feel that development and connection with the story, and everything that happened felt incredibly glossed over. I encourage you to consider slowing down the pace as you edit the story. 

OVERALL SCORE: 11/20

Overall, a heart-warming story about learning to live. I suggest working on your grammar and punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!