Title: Everyday Let Me Love You Again

Author: tiffanyinblue

Summary: 3.5/5

I actually think your summary is really, really cute. It introduces Layla and Zamber in a playful and informal manner, and hints at how their worlds may collide. It then goes on to tell the reader that it is a love story, and includes a cute quip about their spooky and dark adventure. I'm actually quite excited to read this, so well done!

However, the one thing that was slightly off-putting about your summary was the grammar. It needs work, especially if you want to lure readers. Your punctuation is lacking the correct spacing, your plural vs singular forms are inconsistent, and your tense keeps changing. Also, when you say EPOCH, you might want to actually describe what it is, so that the reader can at understand the concept enough to keep reading on. 

Grammar: 2/5

Okay, so, I'll be honest: your work needs a lot of polishing and proof-reading. But that's alright – this is the objective stuff, the stuff that can easily be fixed once you know the rules and look over it with a keen eye. Besides, I'm here to help you with that.

First of all, spacing. Whenever there is punctuation or inverted commas, you do not need spaces on both ends of the punctuation. For example, you wrote:

" Where is my ice cream ? " Searching for his ice cream, Zamber reachs his right hand to me.

As discussed above, you don't need all those extra spaces. Additionally, it should be 'reaches', not 'reachs' (as that is not a word). It should look like:

"Where is my ice cream?" Searching for his ice cream, Zamber reaches out to me with his left hand.

Next: you have a lot of subject-verb disagreements. Basically, you tend to use the noun-form of the verb, rather than the verb form (remember: verbs are doing words). For example:

"After leaving the room, my mood fall uncontrollably."

It should be:

"After leaving the room, my mood falls uncontrollably."

Next, let's talk dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Now, go and finish your job." says he.

'Says he' or 'he says' directly refers to the words being spoken. It should be:

"Now, go and finish your job," says he.

Apart from this, you also have a lot of typos (I presume they are typos). For example, you spelt Zamber's name as 'Zamebr', and you've written 'occpuied' instead of 'occupied'. There were a lot more instances of this. Another thing is that you need to watch out for the difference between breathe and breath – breathe is the verb, breath is the noun.

Now, let's talk about tenses. Generally, your tenses were very consistent and always in present tense – well done! However, there were some instances where, within the sentence, you changed tense. For example:

"The way her lips danced is just like the crack of the fire..."

Let's break it down:

"The way her lips danced..." [danced = past tense]

"... is just like the crack of the fire..." [is = present tense]

Since you were referring to the kiss that had already happened, the entire sentence should be in past tense. It should be:

"The way her lips danced was just like the crack of the fire..."

Characterisation: 3/5

Right off the bat, we have our bad boy and good girl. Let's talk about the good girl first, shall we?

Layla is relatable, funny (I loved her quip about smooching the alarm clock), and her anger over Amber using her body showed that she has a strong moral compass and holds herself with dignity. Additionally, the moment with Mr Knight, where both he and Layla were vulnerable as he discussed his baby sister and compared her to sunshine, was simply great; it hinted at Layla's past and showed her depth of character.

It's also very obvious that she cares for Zamber, especially seeing the way she responded to the blood on his hand. And, likewise, the sassy bad-boy cares for her too, as there is a lot of jealous involved whenever she is the topic of conversation. I pitied him so much during the kiss, because that was Amber, not Layla, and ouch – that will hurt once he finds out!

Speaking of Amber, I love her dynamic with Layla. I cracked up at the idea of Amber in this tiny little bottle arguing with a full-grown human in a car. In fact, I found Amber's voice the most engaging to read, because her thoughts and values and desires were very clearly woven into her narration.

Now, overall, though, I found that there was a huge lack of distinct characterisation. Whenever a new character was introduced, there was minimal description on them and, if there was description, it was in one paragraph and was never really seamlessly woven into the story. The voices and characterisation aren't distinct, and I think this is partly because you told more often than showed. However, I think it also might be because of your perspective switches.

Don't get me wrong – I am an absolute sucker for multiple perspectives throughout a book. But you have to be very careful, especially when it's all in first person. The narration itself has to sound completely different, not just the dialogue. And you have to remember that each character is a person – they have goals and dreams and values that will differ from one another, and that needs to be shown in the story.

By switching perspectives too often, you're not giving the reader time to really get to know the characters. We don't get to warm up to them. Give us more time with the characters, and don't rush off into the next perspective. Slow down the pace so that we have a better understanding of the characters. 

Writing Style: 3/5

The first note I took of your story was that I loved the description of the night-club. I loved seeing the lights, hearing the ear-splitting music, feeling the dancing, and, most importantly, I loved the way you beautifully compared Zamber's feelings to sea waves. I wished you carried that poetic-like writing, as well as the purposeful descriptions, throughout the rest of the story! Even the chapters in the hospital, or when Layla wakes up after the night out and has to orient herself – describe those settings for us. Take us there and help us feel the mood – whether it be spooky, alienating, or comforting.

Also, why are some random moments of dialogue bolded? Is it to show that they are particularly humorous or significant? From a professional viewpoint, I suggest not doing this; the reader should be able to work out for themselves which moments of dialogue are significant.

Next: vocabulary. There were some moments where I found your word-choices quite excessive. For example:

"I pick up the chair from the corner and bestride it."

Bestride means to straddle, and is used in a manner to express dominance. She's just sitting on a chair. No need to overdo it. Additionally, make sure your sentences are actually coherent. Here is one sentence I could not wrap my head around:

"The way her lips danced is just like the crack of the fire that splash the ashes to you and leave you a fainted pain."

We already spoke about the mismatching tenses in the grammar section, and you haven't expressed the verbs correctly, but even if all of that was corrected, it doesn't quite sound natural. You have mixed metaphors, with 'splashing' relating to water, even though you're using fire as the symbol.

Also, make you sure you show, don't tell. If a character is disappointed, don't say they gave a 'disappointed look'. Describe it for us. Let us see the clenched jaw, or show us the exasperated sigh. Don't tell it to us as it is. 

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

There were some clever moments that made this 'good girl and bad boy' story very unique. I like how you purposely hide some important bits of information from the reader to develop tension, such as the reveal of EPOCH and Amber.

I also adore the concept – ghosts, such as Amber, literally being able to use Layla's body? Awesome. I like that you've also added a cost to Layla's abilities – she literally sleeps for three days after the incident with Mr Knight, because it drains her completely.

However, onto the magic, when Amber takes over Layla's body, make us feel it. It's literally a dead person going into a live person's body – show us how that would feel. Would she be hyperaware of the heart rate, the warm blood, the bones? Would she suddenly feel heavy? Describe that to us – it will make your story and concepts more engaging, and it will contain more realism.

Also, your plot itself is a little hard to understand. There's no linear lead to a climax, which is fine, but so far, it feels like one incident happens, is resolved, then another happens, and is resolved. I would like to see a gradual build-up to an overall climax.

That aside, you have some gorgeous moments of philosophy in your writing. You talk about how the past and present should never cross paths, you talk about yesterday only being a memory, and also discuss how everyone has a different definition of heaven and hell. These are great – keep up the great work! 

OVERALL SCORE: 15/25

Overall, a fascinating story with a great concept underpinning it. Make sure you work on grammar – particularly the usage of verbs – and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps. Congratulations on hitting 1K reads!