Title: Evangeline

Author: Chrissyvellis

Summary: 3.5/5

Your summary is pretty promising! It carries a sense of intrigue and irony reading about two characters accidentally crossing paths when one is supposed to be hunting the other down. I think you introduce the separate characters in a cohesive manner, and your rhetorical question at the end is a nice way to wrap it up. Well done!

However, I feel like you should add one more sentence that emphasises the stakes. What will happen if his heart is not healed and his soul redeemed? I think you should bring it back to the fact that he will happily welcome the end of the world. I think that will leave a more engaging and powerful end to your summary. Other than that, here are a few things that also need a bit of polishing:

Evangeline is about to turn 20yrs old.

To present your story in a more professional manner, please extend 'yrs' into 'years'.

Azrael, Prince of Erubus and a Nether Demon will happily...

You're missing a comma. It should be:

Azrael, Prince of Erubus and a Nether Demon, will happily...

Otherwise, good work!

Grammar: 3/5

Your grammar and punctuation started strong in the first few chapters. However, the latter chapters could use a bit more editing. There were a few grammatical rules that were being broken more often than not, so I thought I'd break it down for you:

First of all, dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Yes" Martha solemnly replied.

It should be:

"Yes," Martha solemnly replied.

However, as mentioned above, if it's not a verbal tag (and, rather, an action beat), we need a period instead. So, for example:

"I am satisfied," he gestured towards the picture.

It should be:

"I am satisfied." He gestured towards the picture.

When we are ending the dialogue with a question mark, we treat the verbal tag as if it is still a single sentence. Therefore, we do not capitalise the verbal tag. Instead of:

"You feel it, don't you?" She asked, her eyes sparkled as her faith in him grew.

It should be:

"You feel it, don't you?" she asked, her eyes sparkling as her faith in him grew.

You'll have noticed that I also changed 'sparkled' to 'sparkling'. That's because, previously, the sentence had been a run-on sentence with a comma splice. Which leads me onto my next point: run-on sentences. That is when you have two independent clauses in one sentence with a comma or nothing to separate them. For example:

Thunderous applause in the far distance as crowds of people enjoyed the igniting of minerals crafted to resemble flowers bursting across the night sky, golden yellows, acid greens, and flame reds lit up the heavens.

First things first: that's not even a proper sentence. It's an incomplete, fragmented sentence. You used fragmented sentences quite a bit – stylistically, for the most part, which is great. However, in that example, it just didn't fit well with the context. To make the sentence complete:

There was thunderous applause in the far distance as crowds of people enjoyed the igniting of minerals crafted to resemble flowers bursting across the night sky, golden yellows, acid greens, and flame reds lit up the heavens.

However, now that it is complete, our problem arises: it's a run-on sentence. It should be split like so:

There was thunderous applause in the far distance as crowds of people enjoyed the igniting of minerals crafted to resemble flowers bursting across the night sky Golden yellows, acid greens, and flame reds lit up the heavens.

In general, your comma placement could use work. You have moments where you are lacking commas, like so:

Flicking ash from his cigarette he felt something stir within.

It should be:

Flicking ash from his cigarette, he felt something stir within.

Then, you also have moments where you misplace commas. For example:

The huge grey and white wolf, came to an abrupt halt.

It should just be:

The huge grey and white wolf came to an abrupt halt.

Next, be careful about using the correct form of words. Here are some examples:

Devastation punched a whole in his gut.

'Whole' means complete. I think you were looking for 'hole'.

She lent in closer.

Lent is either to give someone something to borrow, or a Christian observance that comes before Easter. I think you mean either 'leaned' or 'leant'.

You also randomly capitalise words in the middle of sentences unnecessarily. Alternately, you have words that do need capitalisation that are not capitalised. For example:

"Way better than wonder woman."

Wonder Woman is a name, and therefore, must be capitalised. 

Characterisation: 3.5/5

I think your protagonists make fantastic first impressions. You have some painted some very vivid scenes that give the reader a clear sense of what to expect. When we first meet Azrael as this commanding and relentless presence, who grants the painter five (well, three) extra years – that ruthlessness was shown to us with ease. We could see it in the adjectives he used, we could see it in his dialogue. Great work there.

Eva also makes a wonderful first impression, blatantly calling herself a piece of wet lettuce. I particularly like that she's not a doormat – once she hears what it's like to be a vessel, she does not want it. She wants control of her life, and she wants to live her life. Better yet, she has flaws and makes mistakes – she can be reckless, she has a bit of a prankster side, and she will lie to her father to get away with it.

The side characters also make pretty solid first impressions. Sebastian was immediately hilarious, laughing about the size of little Christian. Kara, too, with her powers is pretty badass – especially when we learn that her anger is justified in that latest chapter. Mrs Bates is probably my favourite, simply with how strict she is but also that glimpse of fondness. I thought she may have been Martha when I first met her.

That aside, my biggest issue with characterisation – which I will discuss a bit more below, as well – is showing and not telling. There were moments where the characterisation felt like it was being spelled out for the reader, making it a little static to read. For example:

"Succubus's usually only think with their dicks." Daevan's anger rose a notch as he held out the drink for his friend.

Why not have him just snap the words? The words themselves tend to get the point across clearly – we can sense the resentment in them without needing to be blatantly told. The fact that we are told about his anger also messed a little with the overall writing perspective (which I'll discuss below).

Writing Style: 3.5/5

Overall, there were some absolutely gorgeous bits of writing. You have a great manipulation of sentence structure (though, as mentioned above, make sure your fragmented sentences are always purposeful!). Your description is clear and sets the scenes well for the most part, and with smells of lavender, with lovely descriptions of the outdoors, with very detailed sensations of the intimate scenes.

Just, as mentioned above, be careful of the showing vs telling situation. Again, here's another example I found:

"Anything you need, I can get," he said, steadfast in his abilities to acquire whatever she needed.

The reason I put that example here is because the description following the tag felt so redundant. We know he is steadfast in his abilities – otherwise, why would he have even said that in the first place? If he had hesitated, then we would have known it was a lie. If you wanted to show the reader his confidence, then use a stronger descriptive word to replace 'said' to show it in a more meaningful manner.

Next, I mentioned it above: writing perspective. Most of the chapters feel like they're in third person limited, with Eva's thoughts being clearly projected to the reader without any tags necessary. But then, in those same chapters, we also see inside the head of Christian – and, when there are no chapter breaks between those moments, it can get a little estranging.

For example, in one of the chapters, Eva, through the narration, lets the reader know that she didn't tell her father about Christian transforming on top of her because, good grief, the drama that would unfold would be crazy. Then, only a paragraph or so later, Daevan, through the narration, tells the reader how proud Sophia would have been of their daughter. It ends up feeling a bit jarring to read, like we're bouncing back and forth from one head to the other head.

Mind you – it can lead to some moments of irony. For example, when Eva is watching her friends get it on, she thinks about how 'what they don't know won't hurt them', only for the reader to immediately find out that Christian definitely knows she's watching. But, in that chapter, it made sense because there were chapter breaks between these perspective switches, so it didn't feel jarring. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

With only eight chapters and a prologue published, it's hard to get a clear sense of where we are going and what the climax will end up looking like (though, I am excited to see if Eva gets chosen as a vessel!). Actually, speaking of vessels – I love the concept and how they're chosen, with some people preferring certain families and some people going straight for the looks.

In fact, your story's worldbuilding reminded me a bit of the Shadowhunter franchise – with the Conclave reminding me of The Clave, the notion of demons, the whole 'By the Angel' curse. Yours definitely branches away, though, in terms of how the story is executed and how the protagonist is settled in her world.

The beginnings of your chapters can be so incredibly gripping. We literally are fooled into thinking Eva is running for her life, only to find out that it's Christian and his minty breath. I'm curious to see how things develop between Christian and Eva, since they're not really allowed to love her – they have to protect her and keep her pure. I'm sure that will lead to future tension, for sure.

Be careful of using pop culture references in your story. For example, when she calls her father a DILF, maybe consider ensuring there is enough context for all readers to understand what it means. I'm an older teenager and I still had to look it up. You want the reading process to be as seamless for the reader as possible, so make sure that any real-world references are easy to pick up on and actually suit the genre and audience you are writing for at all times. 

OVERALL SCORE: 17.5/25

Overall, an intriguing premise with some captivating moments. I encourage you to work on your punctuation, particularly where dialogue is concerned, and you should be good to go! I hope this review helps.