Title: Dabara Tumbler 

Author: omahazeeya

Summary: [no score – will not be added to final score]

I've decided not to score the summary, simply because it doesn't follow the path of a traditional summary. However, I do like how that, in two short sentences, you've perfectly shown the reader your characters, your setting, and the direction of the story. Well done!

Please make sure your summary is polished – especially that first sentence, which is missing a comma and has a hyphen instead of an em dash. It should be:

Himani Narayan, a sous chef, owns Dabara Tumbler – a food blog. 

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, your story could definitely use some polishing. Don't worry – I'm here to break it down for you by discussing some of the fundamentals that you're getting wrong.

Let's talk about dialogue first. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Good morning, Kannaa." Suha said her voice slow, soft and warm.

Apart from the punctuation before the closing inverted commas being inaccurate, you're also missing a comma after said. It should be:

"Good morning, Kannaa," Suha said, her voice slow, soft and warm.

Also, another important thing with dialogue: if a new character is speaking, their dialogue must be in a separate paragraph. For example:

I yelled, "You're so insensitive, Khushi." She threw her head back in a sour laugh, and muttered to herself, "as if you're very sensitive to everything around."

It should be:

I yelled, "You're so insensitive, Khushi."

She threw her head back in a sour laugh and muttered to herself, "As if you're very sensitive to everything around."

Also, keep dialogue tags in the same paragraph as the dialogue. For example:

"I'll be back."

Raghav declared, flinging his leg to the front.

It should be:

I'll be back," Raghav declared, flinging his leg to the front.

Also, if there isn't a verbal dialogue tag and you use a period before the closing inverted commas, you must capitalise the next word since, technically, it is a new sentence. For example:

"Still, a no." she wasn't giving up.

It should be:

"Still, a no." She wasn't giving up.

Also watch out for the basics: you had run-on sentences, sentences not starting with capital letters, and sentences missing full-stops. Additionally, there are some common words you are mixing up a little bit. For example:

May be, because, I knew it beforehand.

'Maybe', in that scenario, is actually one word. 

Characterisation: 3.5/5

I love how character-driven your chapters are! There is instant chemistry from the moment Himani and Raghav meet, with her smiling as he insists on human interaction rather than television. They have many sweet moments (I laughed at "Pasta me, Himani."), and their overall banter is quite enjoyable to read. Well done!

The other characters, in all honestly, blend a little into one another. I know that Varsha is the typical, teasing best friend, but there are times where I found her, Meena, and Khushi's voices too indistinguishable. I feel like they need more idiosyncrasies – and, I think the reason I found it a little difficult is that they are all, fundamentally, goofballs. Sweet, adorable goofballs – and all with different positions (one who is pregnant, one who is the best friend of Himani), but not enough weight in their positions to distinguish them. They all act quite young, to me.

I do love Himani – her caring side really shines through. I like that, when she decides that distance might help avoiding the growing crush towards Raghav, she chooses to leave instead of kicking him out because she doesn't want to hurt him in the process. She's also very relatable – refusing the function until she has had her coffee. Well done!

Another issue I had with characterisation was that, through the narration, I found it difficult to engage with them. And, to avoid repetition, that will be discussed in the section below. 

Writing Style: 3/5

Overall, the writing is smooth and fits the genre well – so great work there. However, in all honesty, I did struggle to make my way through some chapters and, as mentioned above, truly connect with the characters.

This is because some of the writing is incredibly superfluous. Let's go through some examples:

My head was weighing the earths even at the unadorned consciousness I had gained at the slightest perusal of my phone's ringing.

At first, I thought you may be missing commas. But after trying to insert some in, I realised that this sentence, in all honesty, is far too superfluous. I appreciate the attempt to use metaphor – in fact, I encourage it! – but it has to still be smooth and easy to read and understand. Your reader shouldn't be stumbling through the story. You can make your writing poetic, but make sure it is still relatively easy to understand – and, since it is in first person in this particular moment, make sure it sounds like a person is actually talking to the reader.

Another example: when Khushi mentions the wedding, you wrote:

She manifested that.

Why not write that she 'mentioned' the wedding? Or brought up the wedding? Manifests is usually used when something is shown to be apparent – this illness usually manifests in old age, bad governments usually manifest in strikes. In other words, if you're using complex vocabulary, make sure you read examples of how it is used – try not to just go for synonyms, because even synonyms tend to be attributed to different things.

Another example:

"I came up with it," Himani unveiled.

Unveiled is a synonym for revealed, but it makes it seem much more significant than her simply telling him that she came up with the pasta recipe. Why not just use 'revealed' or 'confessed' or 'admitted'? By using big words that aren't typically associated with dialogue tags, it becomes a little difficult for the reader to create a clear picture on how the words are being spoken.

That being said, I appreciate the effort – and your vocabulary is very expansive, so well done. Also, I recommend that you also try to describe more of the scenes in terms of setting – and use this to really heighten the mood in each scene. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

A very sweet chicklit is what I would call this, with some nice chemistry and entertaining banter to keep readers engaged. In all honesty, the story felt very smooth-sailing with minimal conflict (and if there was conflict, it was resolved very quickly), but I did enjoy the sense of longing that was in the story when Himani left.

Now that Himani has confessed her love to Raghav, I'm excited to see the direction the story will take – especially since poor Raghav didn't even get the chance to properly process it or respond! While the writing did make it a little tricky to get an indication of mood, the overall direction – a clear, clean romance – is very prevalent. Well done. It's not an uncommon storyline, for sure, but the dialogue, banter, and Raghav's character itself seem very much something you have breathed out onto the pages – keep up the great work! 

OVERALL SCORE: 13.5/20

Overall, a sweet story with some nice banter and cooking references. I recommend polishing your punctuation – particularly when it comes to dialogue – and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!