Title: Crazy with Trouble

Author: Ink_Paper09

Summary: 4/5

You've got a pretty good summary on your hands! I like how you introduce one side of the story before moving into the other side of the same narrative. You smoothly include the characters, the setting, the conflict and use rhetorical question to highlight the stakes. Well done!

Just a few very minor things:

And why not, when she's a bit of a troublemaker herself.

Since that's a question, you need a question mark.

However, can he let himself be found by her?

I get that you're using a metaphor – however, when you're using a metaphor like that, there needs to be enough context for it to make sense. In the paragraph about Jace, there isn't any reference to him being 'lost' in any way (I know 'lost' is more symbolic than literal in this sense). If you want to use a metaphor about being 'found' though, the fact that this character feels 'lost' needs to be alluded to in a more impactful way – otherwise, it doesn't actually really wrap up the summary in a cohesive way. 

Grammar: 2.5/5

So, there weren't a broad range of errors in your story, but the errors that I did find were pretty consistent. Additionally, the errors that I did find were quite major.

For example, tense. A consistent tense is pivotal to a story, as conflicting tenses can be jarring to a reader. In your story, you kept fluctuating from past tense to present tense, and it became quite disconcerting to read. For example:

"Hell yes!" I shout. [shout = present tense]

"Alright," she laughed. [laughed = past tense]

Sometimes, you even changed tense in a single sentence. For example:

I steal a cookie when her back was turned.

If we break that up:

I steal a cookie... [steal = present tense]

...when her back was turned. [was = past tense]

Next, we'll talk about dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"He could wake up one day and say 'Boy, I sure do wanna talk today'", Liv laughs at my statement and shakes her head.

Since Liv isn't even the one talking (that's Leila, if I remember correctly), it should be:

"He could wake up one day and say 'Boy, I sure do wanna talk today.'"

Liv laughs at my statement and shakes her head.

I'll talk more about why I separated the two lines in the writing style section. For now, let's move onto words that sound the same but are not actually the same. For example:

"You really shouldn't drink so many drinks when your underage."

Your is like saying, this is your house. Since you meant, when you are underage, you should be using the contraction. It should be:

"You really shouldn't drink so many drinks when you're underage."

Next, commas. I suggest reading your story aloud, because you have a few sentences that lack fluency due to missing commas. For example:

The second I noticed that every other sense in my body seemed to be hypersensitive.

If you read it aloud, you need the pause for it to make a complete, cohesive sentence. It should be:

The second I noticed that, every other sense in my body seemed to be hypersensitive.

Also, you have instances where questions are missing question marks:

...why would he care. [should be: why would he care?]

And you have sentences missing full-stops. Remember: even when the narrator is talking to themselves, you have to make sure their italicised sentences end with a full-stop.

Characterisation: 3/5

I have to say, Leila is a very funny protagonist. She makes her impact from the moment we meet her, making statements about monks being the only ones to not know what Party Night Friday is, talking to Andy the bouncer who never answers, naming random bodyguards 'Carl'. (Also, nine is my lucky number, too!) And don't get me started on her reaction to be announced soccer captain; "Who's Leila again? OH! It's me!" Very quirky, very funny.

She seems quite fearless, too, which matches the summary – when random guys tighten their grip on her in the bar and make perverted remarks, she doesn't even have a thought of worry. She just kicks him down (the first time, anyways).

So far, I'm not the biggest fan of Jace. I don't like the way he speaks of women – describing his school as 'slut-filled'. However, I do like that you've given him a mantra to life, which seems to be that nothing is free – so he feels the need to repay favours. Or am I reading too deeply into things again? Anyways, I look forward to seeing him develop as a character into a, hopefully, nicer person!

A few notes I took: you seem to fall into the trap of telling instead of showing. Let's go through some examples:

If you haven't figured out our friendship already, I'll explain it. Basically, I'm the one who's crazy and has no idea what she's doing in life while Liv is rational and knows exactly what she's doing. You know how it goes.

It, in fact, was not clear at all from the dialogue before that – because the dialogue before that sentence could be simmered down to them gushing about the outfits they were wearing. So, you basically told the reader this. Rather, you should show it – show it through dialogue, with Liv telling Leila not to overdo the drinks and such. No need to tell us so blatantly.

I squeeze my eyes shut in fear and tense, awaiting the blow.

When the man was about to punch Leila, you didn't really include internal monologue that reflected fear. Which is odd, because Leila doesn't hold back with her internal voice – she's always going on and on to the reader about her thoughts on things. So, when she was about to be punched, the moment fell flat because she didn't describe the fear. She didn't show us what it felt like, nor did she even say something quirky like, Oh, God, this is going to hurt. Which is a shame because then the pace moved too quickly to let the moment feel significant.

Also, one thing I just wasn't a fan of:

He was not gay, but he also was not interested in me or Liv.

That sentence did not sit right with me. It sounded so... conceited? We just met Alec, and it just felt kind of... weird, that she had to point out that he wasn't gay even though he didn't like her or her friend. Later on, we see him run towards Lacey, so there was no need to tell us so blatantly. We would have worked it out for ourselves within a few paragraphs. It just rubbed me the wrong way, and made Leila feel a little conceited – which, I'm sure, she's not.

And also, make sure every character counts. Liv, Cammie, Alec, Jonah – I hope you have a plan for all of them, and I hope they develop accordingly. I am super confused by Cammie, who was introduced in Chapter 13 as a 'best friend' of sorts, but she was never at all mentioned in the chapters beforehand. That whole ice cream shenanigans, while cute, just felt really random and not cohesive at all. 

Writing Style: 3/5

I've already spoken about showing instead of telling, so I'll move onto other topics. First of all, I must commend you on your use at first-person – it's very quirky, and Jace and Leila's voices are very distinct in the way they present themselves, so well done! However, there are just a few things to discuss quickly.

Setting. I didn't feel like I read enough of it as we moved from scene to scene. I wanted more of the woods, more of the parties, more of that café that Jace sat in for a little while. I saw a nice glimpse of description – the sweat, the sounds – when Leila was entering Hailey's party, but I wish there was more of that woven into the writing.

Next, let's talk about more technical things:

Halloween wasn't for another 2 weeks or so.

In most circumstances, numbers smaller than one hundred should be spelt out like so:

Halloween wasn't for another two weeks.

Next:

"Guess I did." Luca smiles.

In that sentence, it was Liv who actually spoke. To have an action beat of another character on the same line as the dialogue, without actually including the character who did speak, is incredibly jarring for the reader. You should move 'Luca smiles' to a separate line (preferable, on the one he speaks), or at least have:

"Guess I did," Liv said, making Luca smile.

And finally, repetitive sentence structures. When you have a few sentences in a row that have the same format, it becomes a little tedious to read. For example:

I slammed the door...

I didn't know why...

I just knew...

I grit my teeth...

All those sentences are essentially: I [verb] [the rest]. This is repetitious and a little jarring to read. Make sure you spice up the writing with some varying sentence structures.

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

Is there an award for best chapter titles? You win it by a long shot – they're honestly hilarious.

Anyways, I think the realm of the gangsters is pretty darn cool – like, they have their own system of hiring other cronies, they have very strict rules to adhere to even though they are, well, gangsters. I think that's cool, and I'm looking forward to knowing more about the mechanics of the gangster. In general, since it still feels like early days for the story, I'm looking forward to see Jace and Leila become more vulnerable over time, as well as the heated action that I'm sure to come (much like the shoot-out in the woods!).

Anyways, I'm not going to lie – I think I've just read too many books on Wattpad, because the concept itself wasn't all that original. Especially that moment where some guy comes along and tries to hurt Leila at a party and, lo and behold, Jace is there to save the day. What I do like, however, is that Leila is quite brash herself – she's not shy, she's not sweet. She's ready to kick ass.

Make sure you remember to keep a certain layer of realism to your story. I get that fiction doesn't have to be completely realistic, but things should add up. When Leila says she has no upper-body strength, no lower-body strength, or any strength in particular – but hits a guy hard enough to hurt, and to also be football captain? It doesn't quite add up to me. Maybe that's the football player in me being pedantic and trying not to remember the trauma that was the exercises we had to do.

Anyways, another point: drinking. Not sure if you've ever drunk before, but if you take ten shots just like that – which, my gosh, is not an easy task at all and is super disorienting – you don't actually get drunk straight away. The giddiness doesn't just zap in, nor does the 'seeing of people having three heads'. It takes a little bit to kick in, and before that, there's a moment of absolute sickness because alcohol tastes pretty awful if you're taking straight shots.

Anyways, I digress! Basically, I encourage you to research things before you implement them in your story if you aren't entirely sure, and I wish you the best of luck in setting the plot into motion.

OVERALL SCORE: 16/25

Overall, a promising introduction. Make sure you work on your tenses, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!

And...

And...

And...

THAT IS THE END OF SAPPHIRE'S REVIEW STORE 2.0!

Note: this is not the end of reviewing for the community. This store, however, is filled up with 200 chapters (199 reviews!), and therefore, I am now opening Sapphire's Review Store 3.0 to publish all future reviews. 

I'm still screaming. I am so... so... wow. We have written 379 reviews in total. 

Anyways, thank you everyone who is reading this -- both reviewers, readers, and supports alike. Now, let's pack our bags and move over to our third review store. Here's to more wonderful literature!