Title: Bright Midnight

Author: DavidEAnderson100

Summary: 4/5

I really, really enjoyed your summary. The final line makes your story sound almost like a social commentary, and it did give me chills – well done. I like how you seamlessly introduce the protagonist, the setting, and the overall themes and conflict that make the story. Great work!

I do wonder, however, if you could flesh it out a bit more. Right now, it feels like I'm just about to read a story where the protagonist was doomed from the beginning (unless, of course, this was your intention – in that case, good work). Maybe consider adding a sentence so that the reader feels like there is a sense of hope, that we are reading to find out whether Nick's life will spiral completely out of control or whether he'll be able to find some way to stop that from happening.

If not that, then maybe consider adding a sentence more about Terry. Right now, we have a sentence about Terry, but it doesn't really link to anything. My assumption is that the dark web of drugs is due to Terry, but consider adding a small, "With Terry's influence, Nick is..." – something that makes it more fluent, and something that makes the sentence about Terry carry some weight.

I realise I'm saying a lot about a summary that is already really good. Mind you, I think your summary is pretty fantastic – these are just some points I would consider fleshing out. Also, double-check your punctuation. For example:

As he struggles to cope with depression and a growing sense of alienation he finds himself drawn to his enigmatic best-friend Terry...

For the sentence to be fluent, you need to add the following comma:

As he struggles to cope with depression and a growing sense of alienation, he finds himself drawn to his enigmatic best-friend...

Grammar: 3.5/5

Overall, your story is very polished, clean and easy to read. Well done! There were just a few things I picked up on.

If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Hi Nick," I looked up and saw Sue's friend.

It should be:

"Hi Nick." I looked up and saw Sue's friend.

Next, I'm finding that, similar to the issue I found in the summary, you have missing commas throughout your story. For example:

When he failed to ascertain any real fear in my eyes the shaven-headed youth scowled.

To make the sentence fluent, separate the independent clause from the dependent clause like so:

When he failed to ascertain any real fear in my eyes, the shaven-headed youth scowled.

Also, watch out for capitalisation. There were times you had words capitalised that did not need capitalisation. For example:

"Good lad Pop this, an' go and give that dark-haired bit one for me..."

The 'pop' should not be capitalised. I would also consider adding a comma so that it's:

"Good lad, pop this, an' go and give that dark-haired bit one for me..."

Unless, of course, you meant 'Pop', as in, grandpa. In that situation, I don't think you did, though. (I could be wrong, though, because it did take me a bit of time to wrap my head around all the jargon!)

Finally, just look out for little typos. For example, one I caught:

"There's coma cases what're getting more action than you."

Since it was dialogue, I was happy to brush aside the inconsistent plural vs singular form, but I think you meant that're instead of what're. 

Characterisation: 3.5/5

I think Nick made a pretty fantastic protagonist for this story. He seemed a bit cynical and analytical towards the start of the story, and I did suspect that he would develop feelings for Terry. Initially, I found him a bit complacent to everything happening around him, which I love, because we see him grow as a character and, by the end, we see him stand up for himself a lot more. When his friends are laughing after the custody, he is more than willing to point out how they shouldn't laugh about it after nearly torching the woman and child. That being said, he shows loyalty to his group (unlike Colin, gosh), which makes him an admirable protagonist.

The final chapter actually really made me sit back and think about how nicely characterisation was handled in your story. It was nice seeing Nick not end up with Terry, and the juxtaposition as we saw that Terry remained in a sort of similar field while Nick started creating a path of his own – considering higher grades in university and a degree switch – was great. We see the impact a criminal record can really have on people, and I think you showed that wonderfully.

There were a few notes I had about Nick's characterisation – some of which will be discussed in the next section because it heavily related to writing style. However, I will say here: be careful of showing vs telling. For example:

"Don't drag me down to your sordid level," Colin said, stiffly. For some reason, he viewed himself as above the others in his scanty social circle.

The second sentence is very much 'tell' – avoid doing this. You've already shown it to us through his dialogue. Also, if you really want to throw in a sentence there, to make it sound less like you're listing off characteristics, make Nick respond to it. Make him roll his eyes and then launch into that sentence – that way, it at least shows Nick's thoughts on it.

Writing Style: 3.5/5

Okay, I mentioned above that my ability to connect with Nick was sort of hindered by the writing. Mind you, the writing itself is fantastic and professional. However, there was one thing that I noticed that bugged me a bit: we start losing Nick in the narration. It becomes dialogue, dialogue, dialogue, and we lose the 'I' and 'me' and 'my' – and it becomes somewhat alienating.

For example, let's look back at the first chapter. When Terry first starts talking, along with Colin and Tommy, it takes a while for the narration to include another 'I' or 'me' or 'my'. For a first chapter, that's incredibly disorientating because we lose our grounding as the reader.

That aside, your implementation of symbolism and imagery is fantastic. A stand-out moment for me was when Nick was about to be arrested, and you employed that symbolism of the horses running by the sea foam in the form of a painting along the wall. I enjoyed moments like those, and you had some great symbolism throughout the story.

That being said, be careful to not overdo the descriptions. For example:

Terry Brooks, the slim youth with artfully tousled short dark hair slouching on the couch looking effortlessly flash in a particularly unbuttoned salmon-pink shirt, gave me a protracted smile.

Read that aloud. That is a lot of information to take in. Don't be scared of spreading this information out throughout the entire story – otherwise it becomes a mouthful. Four words to describe hair in one go is a bit too much.

Also, consider using concise language by avoiding continuous forms. For example:

My father was stood over my bed urgently urging me to...

In that example, you need a comma after the word 'bed'. Additionally, rather than saying 'was stood', why not just write 'stood'? Also, 'urgently urging' is quite redundant – consider just writing 'urging'.

My father stood over my bed, urging me to... 

Plot + Originality: 4.5/5

Upon reading your story, it almost did feel a bit like a social commentary. I loved seeing how each party, each new setting, each new social class, had a similar and yet different energy surrounding it. We also have some nice philosophy about nature hating perfection, and we have some haunting moments of juxtaposition – for example, when we find out about Lenny hanging himself (incredibly morbid stuff), and someone has the humour to say, "Probably shat himself, an' all." – dark stuff, but it fit in well with the themes you were expressing through the story.

In fact, the story felt like a series of unfortunate events that created this big, escalating domino effect. We meet Denise, go to a club, get busted by the bouncer in the bathroom, get kicked out, find the van outside Sadie's place, meet Paul Clark – and from there, chaos, houses on fire. I love how it unfolded and started small, ended up with charges for arson. It all felt fluent and natural, and as we learn that we are literally following criminals, we can't help but love them.

There were some moments where I felt like there was too much irrelevant dialogue – though, I didn't make a big note about it because they always contained glimpses of humour and setting up the characters. However, there were also some moments where I wish you really took us into the moment more. At the end of chapter five, when Nick pops the ecstasy in his mouth, give us a glimpse of what they would feel like. It only has to be a couple of words – what would he see and feel?

Overall, though, a great story and a great message through and through. Well done. 

OVERALL SCORE: 19/25

Overall, a story that is chilling but also showcases glimpses of hope. Make sure you work on your punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!