Title: Blood Sucker

Author: lovechild777

Summary: 3/5

You've got some great elements to your summary. The first three, one-word sentences were an impactful way to draw the reader in, and you've introduced Alicia in a succinct way. Also, the final sentence was definitely a bit of a twist – which I loved.

However, quite a bit of your summary is redundant; you already say that she's whisked away into something life-threatening, do you really need to add another sentence saying that it wasn't normal? Additionally, you have quite a lot of punctuation issues throughout your summary, which I will break down for you.

Sixteen year old Alicia Graham is living the life going to the hottest parties every day, meeting sexy guys that would kill to be with her but life's not all that simple.

You are missing commas, and you've got yourself a run-on sentence. Read it aloud, and you'll see that you need the following:

Sixteen-year-old Alicia Graham is living the life, going to the hottest parties every day and meeting sexy guys that would kill to be with her.

But life's not all that simple.

I moved the second part to a new line for dramatic purposes. Next:

She was just a normal girl, you could say, living somewhat of a normal life but little did she know, it wasn't going to be that easy.

Again, it feels kind of repetitious. She is partying and, oh, life's not simple. I'm hooked in. But then, the next sentence is back to how she's normal and tries to reel me again with 'wasn't going to be that easy'. The mood keeps shifting and it feels too clunky. Also, if you do choose to keep the sentence, consider rephrasing to:

She was just a normal girl, you could say, living a somewhat normal life. Little did she know, though, it wasn't going to be that easy.

Then came:

One party, one guy was all it took before she got whisked away into something she shouldn't have, something that was life threatening to say the least.

I would take away the 'to say the least', as it undermines the intensity you are trying to build. Also, consider repunctuating:

One party – one guy – was all it took for her to get whisked away into something she shouldn't have. Something life-threatening.

Then you mention how it's far from normal again, which, as I mentioned above, felt awfully redundant. Then, in the final sentence, make sure you don't capitalise 'human'. Also, I wish I knew more – what is the actual conflict? What sort of thing will she be fighting against? What are the antagonistic forces? What are the stakes? What are her goals? What could go wrong if she fails? 

Grammar: 2.5/5

Overall, your punctuation, in particular, could use some work. But don't worry – that's what I'm here to talk to you about. I'll use examples from your story as we go.

To begin with, your commas are all over the place. Sometimes, when you need them, they're missing. Sometimes, when you don't need them, they're there. My advice with commas is to read your story aloud; wherever you need to pause for the sentence to make sense, you probably need some form of punctuation. For example:

Her ebony hair flowed down to her shoulders as her blue, eyes shined in the light.

You don't need a comma between 'blue' and 'eyes'. Read it aloud, with and without the pause between those two words and decide which you like better. Another example:

"Oh you bastard!" Vera screamed, snarling as she turned over and threw Mason onto the bed digging her nails into his skin making shiny, scarlet liquid pour out of it.

That sentence is messy, to say the last. You are missing commas to make it fluent. Again, I suggest reading it aloud and rephrasing it to:

"Oh, you bastard!" Vera screamed, snarling as she turned over and threw Mason onto the bed. She dug her nails into his skin, making scarlet liquid pour out of it.

Next, while we're still on commas, let's talk about comma splices. These are a type of run-on sentence – you have two independent clauses that are joined together by a comma even though they could work as individual sentences. For example:

The diamond at the end swayed to and fro, it was the last thing that my parents had ever given me.

Both sides of those sentences could work as independent sentences, but are joined together by a comma. This makes it a comma splice. The comma should be changed into a period.

Next, tense. Some chapters are in completely different tenses from others – some are in past tense, some are in present tense, and it's rather jarring to read. Sometimes, you changed tenses in a single sentence. For example:

The world around me suddenly starts spinning as I started to fall into a deep sleep.

Start is present tense. Started is past tense. The fact that the same root of a word is being used in a single sentence is also very disruptive for the reader.

Next, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation. For example:

"Hello." I shouted.

It should be:

"Hello," I shouted.

Also, your dialogue should be on the same line as the tag. For example:

Vera quickly plastered a smile across her face, her eyes twinkling brightly as she exclaimed,

"I'm half vampire and half..."

It should be:

Vera quickly plastered a smile across her face, her eyes twinkling brightly as she exclaimed, "I'm half vampire and half..."

Also, if there is no verbal tag preceding the dialogue, it should be a period. For example:

He sat on the stool beside me and smiled, "I'm Mason."

It should be:

He sat on the stool beside me and smiled. "I'm Mason."

Also, apostrophes. You use an apostrophe for contractions, but also to show possessive nouns. For example:

...as he slowly bit into the girls neck.

He is biting into one girl's neck. And since it is her neck, it should be:

...as he slowly bit into the girl's neck.

Overall, you need to go back and polish a few things here and there. Some sentences are incomplete, and you're making very obvious errors. For example:

I scan the area worriedly where on earth I am.

That above example is not a complete sentence. I think it may be missing a word or two missing.

...but before i can, a hand...

I is a proper noun. It should be capitalised. 

Characterisation: 3/5

I think you've done some great things with characters. In particular, I like how Vera is quite antagonistic, but it seems like there is more to her – she claims she did everything for Mason and her love, and feels like she lost everything because he manipulated her. It makes you question who Alicia should and shouldn't trust, and leaves lots of room for betrayal and development in Alicia. It also makes me feel safety in Josh, but with Vera claiming that Alicia will fall in love with the moody Mason... Hm. Lots to unfold as the chapters go on!

However, I do think you need to slow down your pace to really make your characters feel relatable. For example, in the prologue, when Mason suddenly changes from affectionate to murderous towards Vera, let us see that shift. Let us see how his face changes, how the air around them and the mood seems to shift. Also, avoid telling instead of showing:

...her shocked looking face turning into rage.

A face can't turn into rage, if we go into technicalities. You'd have to say 'the shock in her face turning into rage'. That aside, it is very telling – show the rage to us, instead. The blotchy red, the steely gaze, the snarl.

Also, since Alicia's chapters are in first person, whenever she has a shift in mood, we should be able to understand it. For example, when Alicia sees Lila flirting with some guy, anger rages through her – but there's no internal monologue that really justifies it. Later on, when she recounts her parents' death to the reader, it's said in a "this happened, then this happened" manner, with minimal emotion. Sure, tears slip down her face, but we don't really feel it.

Consider: when she recounts those last moments in hospital with her mother, make her really visually remember it. The look of her mother in those final moments, the smell of the room, final words. Make us feel her physiological feelings – the pain in her heart, the tightness of her throat. Avoid telling; don't tell us that Lila gets drunk to cope with the trauma, but show it to us.

Basically, make us care. When we meet Jacob the cheating ex-boyfriend, we see tears sting her eyes – but why should we care? We just met Alicia, we don't know a thing about Jacob. So make us care – let her remember those happy moments between her and Jacob, make her use internal monologue to panic and grapple with her emotions.

Which brings me onto my next point: you're in first person. The narrator is allowed to talk to herself. We are allowed to see what she's thinking in the moment.

Also, I find that Alicia keeps giggling? And there's a lot of exclamation marks used in dialogue – please use them scarcely and appropriately, otherwise it starts making them sound overly chirpy and childish. 

Writing Style: 3/5

As mentioned above, I think you need to explore using internal monologue more and slowing down the pace. I also think that description could help you. Avoid falling into the trap of vague and redundant descriptions; use descriptions that are specific and paint a certain image. Don't tell use the throne room is grand and large (most throne rooms are). Show us what makes your throne room different.

Be careful of implementing language in stories. For the sake of professionalism, don't just stick a bunch of dialogue in French and then, in brackets, the translation. I suggest using mostly English dialogue, but using the narration to let the reader know they are speaking in French (especially if you're writing for English-speaking audiences). The main reason I'm picking this out is because it made your punctuation very messy and incorrect.

With your writing, I've found that it moves too fast and often can be jarring. Examples:

Mason grinned, his eyes turning red with hunger as he slowly bit into the girl's neck. "Join me," he insisted, looking intently at Vera.

This is a very specific nit-pick, but it summarises the whole story. He is biting into the girl's neck, but then he is speaking at the same time. All you need is a simple 'he insisted as he tore his mouth away' – that way, the writing is more cohesive.

Then, sentences later, Vera bites into the girl, we have a sentence about how all the blood is drained, and then the body is thrown dead. Describe it – flesh it out. Make us really fear those vampires, or make us envision the scene. Make blood splatter on the floor, describe the dead body, the sounds and smells and tastes. Later on, when Mason tries stabbing Vera, we don't even see the oak stake until she mentions it later on in the dialogue and when she snatches it away. Show us that small flash of oak if you have to. That way, the writing doesn't feel too cluttered.

A more recent example – in the latest chapter you've uploaded, when Vera rushes towards Alicia, fangs ready to protrude into her neck, what does Alicia feel in those moments? Show us the fear, the panic, the desperation. Make her be a bit more doing and try to attempt a dodge. Use that to heighten the tension.

Speaking of heightening the tension:

A thorn pricked my skin as I winced, a sharp pain roaring through my body.

I think that might be overdoing it. A thorn pricking through skin leading through sharp pain roaring through the whole body? The only issue is that, later on, when Alicia really goes through some sort of significant injury, how are you going to describe that so that it feels more painful than a simple little thorn prick?

Also, avoid redundancy. This includes using the same word multiple times in a single sentence. For example:

"Hey gorgeous," said a guy with brown wavy hair and warm, brown eyes, those same brown eyes that had led to me falling in love with him in the first place.

Once again, the same word being used so many times makes the writing a bit cluttered. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

I love your use of a prologue! We meet Mason, see him briefly act like a killer. Then, when we see him again interacting with Alicia in the next chapter, we're instantly feeling tension and worry – we have no idea what is going to happen next, and how Mason is going to involve himself in Alicia's story.

I also loved finding the grave and seeing Vera again. The dreams were pretty great, and I like how you hide things from the reader to add suspense – like, Alicia hears and knows what Vera will give her in exchange, but the reader doesn't until the very end of the chapter. I did guess that it would be an offer to bring back her parents, and I love that symbolism since the dreams are set on the beach, where Alicia has fond memories of them. Or am I thinking too deeply into it?

Overall, with only nine chapters in and the gears only just beginning to turn, I can't say much about the overall plot. However, I wish you luck as you continue to lead towards a (hopefully!) explosive climax. 

OVERALL SCORE: 15.5/25

Overall, a promising beginning with nice moments of tension. Make sure you work on slowing down your pace, as well as your punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!