Title: Powerless: Be Careful What You Wish For

Author: GlitchandGlitz

Summary: 4.5/5

I actually really liked your summary! If I had read this in a bookstore, I would have immediately picked it up, which is a fantastic sign. I love how you introduce the world, Quinley the concept of abilities (without explaining too much), and the ending rhetorical question was a great way to briefly introduce the stakes. This, in my opinion, is a fantastic summary that doesn't need much tweaking.

Personally, I wonder if you should include why the story starts where it starts. For example, why is it a problem now that she doesn't use her ability? Or has it been a problem since she was a baby? Is there something – for example, turning a certain age, perhaps – that triggers the beginning of this story? I'm just struggling to grasp exactly when and how the conflict starts to be significant.

Additionally, a small typo little punctuation thing:

Only one small problem,

Quinley refuses to use her ability...

Consider changing the comma to a colon, and you should be fine. Maybe consider paragraphing it so it looks like:

The system is simple, easy to follow, and works well.

Only one small problem: Quinley refuses to use her ability, for any reason. 

Grammar: 3.5/5

Your grammar and punctuation were pretty good, but there are a few things that could use some work. Don't worry, I'm here to break it down for you!

First, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I'm fine." We both said.

It should be:

"I'm fine," we both said.

Another example:

"Apologise now." He snapped.

Since 'he snapped' refers to how the words were spoken, it should be:

"Apologise now," he snapped.

Also, make sure you don't end paragraphs with commas. For example:

Then, Orion made it apparent,

"Are you okay?" He asked.

First of all, the 'he' should not be capitalised. Next, end your paragraph with a full stop. I understand you were showing that he made it apparent by asking, so maybe even consider:

Then, Orion made it apparent, asking, "Are you okay?"

Next, let's talk about tenses. For the most part, you were in past tense, but every now and then, you'd fluctuate to present tense. For example:

It was giving me a splitting headache. [was = past tense]

The irony is that I'm walking next to a healer. [is, am = present tense]

You need to make sure your tenses are consistent, even when you're being playful with the reader.

Finally, run-on sentences. Basically, when you have two complete and independent sentences linked together by a comma, you have yourself a comma splice. For example.

My attention snapped back towards the problem with a silent sigh, why couldn't I figure this out?

The two clauses work perfectly find on their own, and do not need to be connected by a comma. Secondly, you say that 'your attention' snapped back towards the problem with a 'silent sigh'. Attention can't sigh. Consider:

I snapped my attention back towards the problem with a silent sigh. Why couldn't I figure this out?

Characterisation: 3.5/5

I absolute love how sarcastic and quirky Quinley's narration is. There were many times – even in dire circumstances – where I just cracked up because of it. For example, when Dante is glaring her and her description is so hilariously extra – comparing the glare to killing his cat, burning the body, and drizzling the ashes atop a cake. Also, when she literally looks like she's dying in a corner, and she's just like, 'Score for me'. Honestly, she's so amusing to read about, which makes her an engaging protagonist we can empathise with.

Atlas was definitely a compelling character, too, and was starkly different with his attitude – seeing anything below a 90 as a fail, and yet, being complex enough to still respect and care for Orion and Tai. Speaking of them, some characters, like him, feel a bit cartoonish – from Tai falling down the stairs, to the general way Orion stutters when nervous. If that was your intention, great – it leaves a bit of humour in there.

However, when it came to your characters, I felt a lack of realism. Let's look through that first chapter:

My body slammed against the lockers, causing a ruckus in the middle of the halls. I bit my lip hard to keep from gasping as I crumpled to the floor.

Being slammed against lockers hurts. Make sure you help the reader engage with the character by making us feel that pain. I know you describe pain a bit later, but in that circumstance, I imagine the pain would come then and there – abrupt, but hard.

I felt a sharp pain followed by an audible crack as my fingers clenched together from the shock. This moron broke my jaw, great, just great.

I had so many concerns with that second sentence above. I know Quinsley is sarcastic and funny. But when something like a broken jaw happens, that hurts a lot. A lot, a lot. And I do feel that it almost felt wrong to have a moment of sarcasm – it made the situation feel less intense, and it just made me quite unbelieving of Quinsley's character. A light punch to the jaw, and then going 'just fabulous, I now have a bruised jaw'? I can imagine. But fully breaking it?

Another example of that:

First, he broke my jaw and then my arm, how he's choking me; damn how bad could his day have possibly been?

Once again – broken jaw. Broken arm. Being choked. I think you should focus more on the sensation of the pain, or having such a thin and pressured airflow. That way, your character feels reasonable and real. Don't sacrifice realism for humour. 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

Your writing is very engaging and polished, and in all honesty, all the notes I took were very specific points. In other words, you should commend yourself in having such a smooth and fluent writing style. However, here are the things I noticed:

A moment of panic filled me...

Once again, this is me being nit-picky. But a moment can't fill a person. However, you can say:

Panic filled me...

Next, be careful of similar sentence structures strung together. For example, here are four sentences you had in a row:

I let out a...

I'd done it.

I sat back...

I don't think I'd...

All of those sentences start with the same pronoun, which is followed by a verb. Consider changing it up so the writing doesn't start to sound repetitive and robotic.

Be careful of redundancy. If you mention that a character has blue eyes, there is no need to mention they have blue eyes again in literally two sentences later.

"U-um, Atlas?" Orion asked, staring at me with his babyish blue eyes. "A-are you alright?" He was one of the few people I couldn't be or stay mad at. Orion was the definition of innocence, with large blue eyes and medium brown skin.

In the above example, you've mentioned the blue eyes twice – consider removing one of them. Also, you make it sound like having large blue eyes and medium brown skin is the reason he is the definition of innocence, which is... probably a bit odd.

I rolled my eyes at his grin, of course he's still smiling.

"Attie! You won't believe what happened!" I rolled my eyes at the use of the nickname.

As shown in the above example, you've made Atlas roll his eyes twice. Consider either changing it, or making sure you mention that he is rolling his eyes once more – so the reader knows that was intentional, and not just Atlas only responding to things by rolling his eyes. 

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

So far, I'm still a bit unsure of the direction of the plot. Right now, it kind of feels like there are lots of tests, a few glimpses of abilities and magic, and lots of fighting in hallways – which is kind of amusing. Gosh, everyone just keeps getting hurt. Thank goodness for healers.

I am also enjoying the altering perspectives – they all sound distinct, which is a great thing! The little scenes with each character are, however, quite short, which sometimes may not allow the scene to build with a clear beginning, middle, and end. I know some of these moments are intentional, but just make sure you allow each scene to build and grow before jumping into a new character's head.

Now, let's talk about some more specific things.

I love the concept of abilities, but I'm not convinced with the mechanics behind them. This might be more of a subjective point, but I am a firm believer that, when magic is written in stories, we can't just see the magic come out – we should be able to know how the character feels when they use it (especially if it's in first person!). I want to feel the ability for myself, I want to know how they can activate and deactivate it so quickly with such ease and control.

Next, a few more specific things. Quinsley being mute is awesome, but then you have moments like:

"Not my fault if someone shoves me into you," she said.

I know you wrote a little earlier that she uses her hands to communicate this, but make sure you specify that the other characters can understand that. Alternately, you could consider presenting her dialogue in a different way that makes it clear and obvious that she's using sign language. And, also, why didn't she do that when Dante was bullying her, but only when Atlas does?

Finally, let's be careful about when we are in first person. You need to make sure that your narrator isn't suddenly reading other characters' thoughts. It comes in very specific moments, too, for example:

He became somewhat serious at the thought of somebody stepping out of line.

Atlas doesn't know what Tai is thinking. He can't know for sure that he has that thought. I know the dialogue beforehand makes it quite obvious that Tai would be thinking along those lines, but to stay on the safe side, it would be fine to write:

He became somewhat serious at the mention of someone stepping out of line. 

OVERALL SCORE: 18.5/25

Overall, a promising start with some very polished writing. Make sure you work on punctuation and dialogue, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!