Review by Sunshine: Amazing Gracie
Title: Amazing Gracie
Author: dayandnight122
Summary: 3.5/5
Overall, your summary is pretty good! It introduces the protagonist and hints at her current emotional state. We also get a hint of what is to come, and I'm excited to see where her drunken plot for revenge takes her.
If we were talking about a professional summary at the back of a book, then you're almost there! You'd just need to elaborate a bit more on what the divine intervention is, or at least the unexpected surprise, and then tie that back into the stakes.
Otherwise, good work here! I do also think you could maybe reconsider your punctuation choice in the following sentence:
When she craves revenge on a drunken whim- She falls victim to divine intervention...
Maybe just change it to:
When she craves revenge on a drunken whim, she falls victim to divine intervention...
Grammar: 3/5
For the most part, your story was very easy to read and follow, so well done! There are, definitely, some grammatical rules that need revising, but don't worry – we're here to discuss those.
First of all, you're changing tenses throughout your story. You're mostly in present tense, but occasionally, you'll fall back into past – and sometimes this happened within a single paragraph. For example:
I softly closed my eyes in embarrassment. [closed = past tense]
I hear Aunt phone in the back of my mind. [hear = present tense]
You need to make sure that your tenses are consistent throughout your entire story.
Next, let's talk about dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:
"I'm here for you Alex" I roll my eyes.
You must have punctuation before the closing inverted commas. Since 'I rolled my eyes' does not refer to how the words are spoken (it's not verbal), it should be:
"I'm here for you, Alex." I roll my eyes.
Another example:
"Oh." He says.
Since 'he says' refers directly to the words being spoken, it should be:
"Oh," he says.
Furthermore, if you have two characters or more speaking, their dialogue should be separated into separate paragraphs. For example:
"I can drive." I offer, but Nick declines, "No it's fine. We aren't too far anyway."
Not only is that above example incorrect because there are two pieces of dialogue from different characters in a single paragraph, but you have also incorrectly punctuated it. It should be:
"I can drive," I offer, but Nick shakes his head.
"We aren't too far, anyway."
Furthermore, the dialogue should always be on the same line as the dialogue tag that is accompanying it. For example:
... looking Jace in the eye and said,
"Better than what you're wearing."
It should be:
... looking Jace in the eye and said, "Better than what you're wearing."
Finally, the general things need revising. You have unnecessary capitalisation in the middle of sentences, you have missing capital letters at the start of some sentences, you have run-on sentences, and there were instances of missing full-stops at the end of sentences or missing inverted commas at the end of dialogue. They weren't significantly prevalent, but enough to be noticeable, so I encourage you to reread your work with a sharp eye to catch them out.
Characterisation: 4/5
From the very start, we know Gracie – our protagonist – is simply a joy to read about. She's witty and sarcastic, and though she tries to be selfless by not making a scene when she catches her boyfriend cheating at the proposal, a bit of alcohol, and... all hell breaks loose. My heart broke for her, and despite how comedic most of the story is (I did have to hide a guilty smile when she broke out into song), you still know she's breaking on the inside and that's a good sign of an engaging protagonist.
Now, I've read a lot of stories like this, but one thing I loved was Grace's competency. I loved seeing her doing her job – making Marlee throw the rose petals, analysing each outfit to a perfect lipstick shade. She's genuinely passionate about what she does, but she's also relatable – I laughed when she nearly declined a job, but instantly accepted when she heard about the $3000. She's also crazy funny. The line, "I am carrying a lime inside me" had me in stitches. Well done!
Despite early impressions and the occasional not-so-wonderful things he does, Nick is a decent guy! His banter with Grace is adorable – from the band geek jokes, zodiac signs, and family feuds over Just Dance. He also brings Grace food when Daniel mentions that she had been hungry, and when he notices she's cold, he heats up the chair for her – very subtle things, but also very sweet. I also like that he knows Grace is flawed and he will call her out for it. It's a sign of a health relationship.
Also, he loves reading and he works in publishing. That was more than enough to make me swoon.
Aunt Phoebe is an absolute angel – even though she spilled the beans to Justin about the pregnancy, you can't help but love her.
I also thought I'd mention Marlee. I loved her initially, since she's hilarious, and I found it very interesting that Grace started believing in love again after offering Marlee relationship advice. Marlee's cluelessness was also amusing; I still cannot get over the, "you're moody, bloated, sleepy, throwing up – it's the antidepressants!" But then, Marlee asked Nick out. And then they made out. And then... she turns into a not-so-nice person. Yikes. It broke my heart from Grace, honestly.
Now, I loved your characters a lot, but do be careful – a lot of your side characters' voices sounded quite similar and lacked specific idiosyncrasies. There were moments where they're all talking with exclamation marks, and it made their tones and voices sound rather similar, which made it hard to see them as distinct characters.
Also, do be careful that you don't overdo some of the dialogue for the comedy. Your story has lots of light-hearted and humorous moments, which is great, but make sure you don't force the humour by making the characters 'overdo' the drunkenness. This rarely happened, so well done, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to give a little precaution as you start to wrap up your story.
Writing Style: 3.5/5
You have a lot of great things here. You write first person masterfully, and you still manage to show the emotions of both Grace and all other characters that make an appearance. The writing is very engaging, very entertaining, but also carries tone and mood effectively. Well done! The incorporation of music every now and them to fit the themes within the chapters was also a nice touch. Well done!
This was partly a grammar thing, but also partly a writing style thing, but watch out for incomplete sentences. I know lots of authors use them all the time, but when they are used, they have to be used effectively and with purpose. Let's look at some of your incomplete sentences:
Wiping the remaining tears from my face. I roll down the window and lean back into my seat.
In that example, above, the first sentence – which I incomplete – isn't really dynamic. It doesn't land a punch, it doesn't reinforce a mood.
However, if I fish out a random book from my shelf and look at an incomplete sentence used, we have:
And for a tiny moment, she ceased being Mia Corvere, the orphaned girl, the darkin assassin, the embodiment of vengeance. She held her arms wide, dripping red onto the sand, and listened to the crowd roar in response. And just for a breath, she forgot what she had been.
Knowing only what she had become.
Gladiatii.
That except is from Godsgrave, by Jay Kristoff. In that example, those final two sentences – which are incomplete – send the message home. They add a sort of punch to the writing that makes the reader feel the mood and stakes of the situation.
Furthermore, one thing I noticed is that your story, in general, lacked quite a bit of setting. I encourage you to go back and try peppering your writing with some descriptions to really immerse the reader into your story.
Plot + Originality: 5/5
I won't lie – I've seen this sort of story before. Girl gets cheated on, one-night stand happens, and she's pregnant.
That being said, your story is full of excellent plot-twists that really did keep me on my toes. We think she's having sex with Alex, but it turns out to be Nick, then she's pregnant, then Justin comes running back (and they kiss – but Aunt Phoebe, bless her, spoils a few things), then Marlee asks Nick out, he says yes (so he can see Gracie more) but then he does make out with her, then there's poor Glen with the car accident. Oh, and she's pregnant with twins (adorable!). We also have relevant side themes that contribute to the overall themes underpinning the story, such as Leonard and his family losing their child.
As you can see, this story is full of pleasant surprises and is completely unpredictable – well done!
But the real highlight for me is the part towards the end, where we are reminded that Grace has no idea that night that she was completely intoxicated. And then, as the chapters progress, we get flashbacks and realise that the plot was even thicker than we imagined – with Camilla being involved in more ways that we could imagine. That final chapter so far, in particular, made my jaw drop, as we saw how the full night really came to pass. That was a wonderfully stunning moment – well done! Very clever writing. It almost felt like a mystery/thriller was being woven into this rather sweet romance story.
Also, oh dear, Justin went as far as to propose. Yikes. It's very fun - if not somewhat terrifying - to see all the lies and secrets come crashing down, and I'm excited to see how you wrap up the story from here! Well done.
OVERALL SCORE: 19/25
Overall, a very engaging story with hilarious banter and lots of charm. Make sure you work on your grammar and punctuation – particularly where dialogue is involved – and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps.
Bạn đang đọc truyện trên: Truyen247.Pro