Title: A Second Chance

Author: fatima3444

Summary: 3/5

Your summary follows an interesting structure. You start with some rhetorical questions, introduce the characters and conflict, and then finish it off with more rhetorical questions. Rhetorical questions are a great way of intriguing readers – so well done using those! However, your first rhetorical questions include your protagonists' names, but the reader hasn't even read about who those protagonists are. This actually makes your rhetorical questions less effective, because the reader hasn't had the chance to even acquaint themselves with your characters.

Additionally, too many rhetorical questions are a bit overwhelming. I suggest taking away the ones from the start.

I like the way you weave the title into the summary, and I like the cohesive manner which you use to introduce the characters. Well done! However, your grammar could use some work. "Will they give their life a second chance?" – since you're referring to two of them, it should be, "Will they give their lives a second chance?" 

Grammar: 2/5

Overall, I think grammar is where you need the most work. But, don't worry, I'll break it down for you.

First of all, tenses. Throughout your story, you moved from past tense to present tense, making your writing less fluent and more choppy. For example:

"Right now, I am in an empty classroom..." [I am = present tense]

"As soon as I left the classroom..." [left = past tense]

You need to choose one tense and stick to it.

Additionally, you have questions that don't end with question marks, sentences that don't end with full-stops, and unnecessary capitalisation of random words in the middle of sentences. Along with this, you use ellipsis a lot, which is fine, but you need to ensure that your ellipsis have three dots – no more, no less. Don't write: "Hey........" – just write "Hey...".

In general, your story had a lot of typos and incorrect forms of words that are similar but different. There were lots of these, but here are some examples I pulled out:

"Quiet strange, right?"

It should be:

"Quite strange, right?"

Another one:

"So, you don't consigder explaining your best friend...?"

In that example, you spelt 'consider' wrong, and you are missing the word 'to' before the word 'your'. It should be:

"So, you don't consider explaining to your best friend...?"

Another one:

"The sound of the door being looked was the first thing I heard."

I think you meant 'locked', not 'looked'. Furthermore, during the action scene:

"I saw Alex lounge at Ethan..."

I think you meant 'lunge', instead of 'lounge'.

Now, let's talk dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Actually, they are here to install the security program." I said, biting my lip.

Since the 'I said' directly refers to the dialogue being spoken, it should be:

"Actually, they are here to install the security program," I said, biting my lip. 

Characterisation: 3.5/5

Let's start with Everleigh, shall we? I love her narration – it's very conversational with the reader. She's awkward, she overthinks, and she's relatable. She watches Tom and Jerry, her sarcasm is great, and her banter with Noah is hilarious – I love that she judged all his pick-up lines, but when on to use some of her own pick-up lines on Aidan.

Additionally, she happens to be a bit of a badass. I loved seeing her fight Jake and stand up for herself, and the moment where she slapped Ethan for messing with Emma was great – it shows what a loyal friend she is.

Aiden, too, is a pretty enjoyable character to read about – and the perspective written by him was very sweet and devoted to his love for Everleigh. He may be rude at first, but he does apologise for it – so we instantly know he has a heart. He's very reluctant at first, only hanging out with Everleigh if she promises to leave him alone, but we see him warm up, which is great development, and he obviously cares for her. Their relationship develops smoothly – you can even see Everleigh grapple with her feelings, trying to remind herself that they are only friends.

Overall, though, I felt like the reader never really lived and breathed your characters. From the very start, when Everleigh is crying, we don't feel that emotional pull towards her – we don't see her vulnerable, even when she is upset. We don't feel what she feels. And I think a lot of this is because you tell instead of show.

For example, when we meet Noah through a phone call, this is what we read:

"He was one of my closest friends. I met him on my first day of sophomore year. He was the one who helped me find my way back. I am thankful to have a friend like him."

Can you see how that is all telling? When she says she is 'thankful' or that he 'helped her', you don't really elaborate that much. I suggest you expand this moment for us more by letting Everleigh show vulnerability, and show the reader how Noah helped patch her up. Overall, for someone who has been through trauma and found herself not wanting to live for a moment, Everleigh doesn't really show it because, apart from a few dreams, she doesn't show vulnerability ever. 

Writing Style: 3/5

There were some good things happening in your writing. I loved the manipulation of sentence structure, and how you had some long sentences contrasted with some shorter, snappier sentences.

You also had some nice descriptions; for example, when you describe a parking lot, you go on to show the reader the sunlight, cool breeze, and chirping birds. However, as the story progressed, you lost that, and I encourage you to try to weave in more descriptive writing throughout your story so that it isn't too dialogue-heavy.

There were some nice moments of philosophy throughout your writing, about how time makes it seem like nothing has changed when, in reality, everything is different once you look back. Those moments are woven into your writing in an almost comedic, relatable way – well done.

I do think, however, that your writing sometimes lacks fluency and cohesiveness. Don't be afraid to use conjunctions to smoothen the flow of your writing, and make sure that, whenever you do have a line break before another scene, the context is explained clearly within the first few sentences so that the reader can ground themselves.

Plot + Originality: 3/5

There were some great moments of non-cliché within your story. I genuinely laughed when Aiden, instead of asking if Everleigh was alright, just left the classroom without sparing her a glance – even though he had definitely seen he cry.

There is also a good amount of suspense and tension within the story; we have secrets, slashed tires, characters being dragged into dark rooms, and the obvious drama that we see in high school – gossip, teenagers, hormones. It does follow a similar case to a lot of other stories in this genre, in that it feels more like a television series than a novel; something happens, it is resolved, the protagonists laugh, there is some banter, a filler scene, something else happens, and the cycle repeats.

I suggest that you try being more playful with your story. Don't be afraid to foreshadow events, or have moments that are unresolved until the very end. Otherwise, there were some great moments of intrigue and mystery, so keep that up. 

OVERALL SCORE: 14.5/25

Overall, a familiar trope that takes its own comedic spin on the genre. Just make sure you work on your tenses and punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!