Title: Okami

Author: Lunathecutegamer

Reviewer: awesomeSTG [welcome back, my 

WARNING: I WILL BE BLUNT. 

Summary: 2/5

The summary itself was short and introduced Amaterasu, Issun, and the villain, but if I'm going to be honest, then I'll say that I didn't find it that interesting a read. 

Why? Because it's common. A powerful individual is called out to battle evil and save the world. That's just how I'm perceiving the blurb, no matter how hard I try.

Is there nothing else you can offer us? What hardships do they need to overcome? What's the catch with the hero? Is there something remotely unique in this story at all? What is it about saving Nippon, anyway, and why should we care? If you can't hook us into checking out whatever curiosity that sparked inside us, then we'll just think this is another fantasy cliché. 

Alrighty, let's dissect whatever these multicoloured lines and circles mean, shall we?

Red Underlines: 

These are the grammatical inconsistencies in the summary.

"her self" should be "herself," while the second underlined bunch of words ought to be changed to suit the rest of the sentence better. You see, when one removes the apostrophe over there in order to do a thorough reading, it would end up being "it is be to," which sounds pretty awkward if you ask me.

In my opinion, this sounds better:

"Originally, it was just all about restoring the land of Nippon, but the dark lord himself..." 

Purple Circles: 

Here we have the words that are not supposed to be capitalized. As you can see on the first circle, the word "goddess," when it first appeared wasn't capitalized. However, on the second circle, the repetition of the word was capitalized, which shouldn't be. While there are religions that state you have to capitalize the name "God," like Roman Catholics, because they only have one god, this isn't one of those times. Greek, Egyptian, or even Roman gods and goddesses don't necessarily need to capitalize the G.

Also, this is understandable, but you're not supposed to capitalize the name of a tree. Also, also, I had forgotten to put a circle over the repeated "himself," words throughout this summary. It's boring just simply seeing the characters repeatedly introduced as himself and herself all the time. 

Blue Underlines: 

These are the parts of the story I didn't understand as a reader who has just checked out your blurb for the first time. We would probably be like, "what's a brush god?" and stuff.

Think about it: is it really necessary to place the existence of the brush gods here? We, the new readers who are a bit curious, have no idea, because were still new! You, on the other hand, are already omnipotent of your own world, so I believe you should also take our ignorance into account. What is Nippon? You ought to add this because Nippon is your main setting. You might also want to add something about the existence of the Orochi and its threat, as well as limit your presentation of Amaterasu. After all, if we read this and see that she's basically a great sun goddess, then we would immediately think that she's already good enough to handle it all by herself, right?

Dramatize the loss of her powers, don't just say it casually as if thedecrease doesn't even bother her. This is how you set limitations to acharacter, so we, the readers, will be curious as to how a weakened goddess canpossibly defeat the rising darkness. There. Sounds better, hey?

Description: 1.5/5

Yeah, um... don't getme wrong, but the factors that contribute to a good story description is, firstand foremost: show vs. tell. Then there are the figurative speeches, such assimiles, metaphors, hyperbole, irony, onomatopoeia, and many more. Then there'sthat special contribution of the author's writing style itself. Of course, I'mnot going to judge other people's writing styles because we all have differentspecialties, so I'm just gonna delve into the more objective pieces ofliterature. 

1. Redundancy. There's just a lot, and I mean a lot of words that repeatedly appeared, sometimes even more than once in a single sentence! They appeared so often that my mind began that loop it enters when a person stares at the same word for too long. I was like, "wow, this word is weird."

Like this: 

I mean... this is a single sentence, right? (Or, it's supposed to be because this is also grammatically incorrect.) First of all, repeating the words thrice is already enough to give anyone a headache. That is a serious overuse of the word, not to mention that it's like... in every sentence of every paragraph of the prologue. There are words other than "village," you know.

Also, about the grammatical inconsistency. The second time you placed a comma, right next to the second underlined word — yes, that one, and the sentence after that — sounds a tad strange. I think there are two options for this one. The first is you basically place a period in place of the second comma and make the rest an independent clause. The second one is placing "and," after the comma.

Those little things are missing from your story, which makes reading the entire thing a bit stiff. 

2. Glossing over scenes. This appeared a whole lot, probably because in just your prologue alone, Amaterasu had already acquired this special item and started the quest when just a few sentences ago the hero from a hundred years just defeated the Orochi! There is no description of what the village even looked like! How in the world are we supposed to imagine your world if there is no description, in the very least, of what the houses looked like, what kinds of rules they abide in, the kinds of people, what clothes they wore, and all that whatnot that helps set limitations and other opportunities in your world.

Like in Chapter One, where the villagers turned to stone. You just stated that the people had turned into mere statues, and nothing else. It would be really appreciated if some adjectives were added to give colour and life to such a horrific event. (The characters didn't even bat an eye at this phenomenon, which is weird, considering that they started this quest for the folks to begin with.)

I also wondered why Amaterasu just had to go to some higher place — in which, the direction she ran off to wasn't implied, either — to look at the sky. I mean, any rational person would just look up if they wanted to see the sky. (This ought to go on the realism corner, but I already have too much in there, anyway.)

Also, also... the fight scene was glossed over. Yes.

Also, also, also... can you tell me just exactly how diverse this world is? It's almost like there aren't any rules and organisms can just mutate however they like. After all, there are Mr. Oranges and Mr. Bamboos and Issun the... er, artistic... bug?

3. Telling. Ever heard the phrase show vs. tell? This is one of the most important aspects in the field of writing because this is what pulls your readers in that butt-clenching adventure with your characters that they don't want to miss out on.

Sight, smell, hearing, touch, taste — these are all important senses that you can use simultaneously with your character's voice and their attributes to make them work wonders! (I will be discussing more about character voice later though.)

Such a scene that desperately needed a dash of 'show,' was that part in the prologue when the constellation Amaterasu completed (what?) came to life and began chatting with her and stuff. The place of the stars should be described with more flair into in, not just the usual, "beautiful sky filled with stars" cliche. If the constellations in your world make an appearance, then show it to us! 

4. The layout. The entire thing looks cluttered. And yes, I know that the traditional format has always been like that — none of those spaces after each paragraph, but only after a change of time/scene is going on.

But still! Let us rest our eyes for one second! Let us take a breather! The scenes are just so fast and rapid I bad believed the entire adventure literally just took one day. We're only human, so our eyes need to have enough room (a.k.a blank spaces) to rest for a moment. And if you're going to stick to that, then at least add proper indention so that we'll know where each paragraph begins in the very least. Press the spacebar twice before writing a new paragraph, and you have a cute little indention.

Grammar: 2.5/5

For the most part, your story was readable, and I like that! However, I have a few issues with the way a few sentences were constructed in the story. Also, there were some instances I got confused because of the strange words you've strung up, and often, you slipped back and forth into the past and present tense.

"As Amaterasu drew a sun in the sky, the whole village sparked in life."

(Okay. What?) First of all, 'in,' is most commonly used when you're stating the things that are inside something. So technically, it's not possible to return in life.

This one goes like this:

"As Amaterasu drew a sun in the sky, the whole village sparked to life."

Then there's the past and present tenses overlapping each other, and now I'm sounding like a dizzy time traveller. Take a look at this: 

Those I've underlined with blue are the indications of the past tense being used, while the red indicates the present. As you can see, the red and blue are making the story pretty confusing. You need to choose one tense, and whether it may be the past or the present, then so be it.

By the way... I have no idea what the second sentence meant. At all. If you could explain it to me, then that would be great.

Also, this: 

Red Circle: 

Susano (am I right with the name, here?) Was the hero who claimed that he was the descendant of Nagi — which would've been seriously obvious if the villagers treated Nagi as their hero because by then they would literally be superstars and everyone would be paying attention to their lives and what they did, even after a hundred years. Heck, if I was there I'd be a paparazzi! (This is another one of those that checks off my realism corner.)

Okay, back to the guy. That second sentence seemed confusing, didn't it? Amaterasu woke up and blew off herself? I believe you ought to change this to "Susano," because he was the one being visited and was the one sleeping.

Blue Underlines:

You just repeated the name Amaterasu twice in a single sentence, which just makes her own name redundant. That's what pronouns are for. You can just change the second repetition of her name into "her," or "the she-wolf."

Purple Circles: 

These are the grammatical errors I've found most common in your story. The term "village's maiden's" is inappropriate because as far as I know, there's only one village you in the entire story. Also, the apostrophe on the word "maiden" means "maiden is" when you remove the apostrophe, or may imply a possession of some sort. Since the sentence structure clearly says none of that, I can safely assume that what you wanted to say was:

"... things to one of the village maidens."

The second circle is something I had already spotted from the prolouge. Again, half of the time, the purpose of an apostrophe is to omit words and make them shorter, or imply possession.

'We're' is basically we are when you place an apostrophe in it, so it's deemed as incorrect.

However, if you remove the apostrophe, then the word will become were which is the plural term for was.

(I had forgotten to encircle the sleeps word when it was clearly in present tense, but you get the idea.)

Also, if I wasn't an otaku myself, I would've corrected you with the use of the word sake. Notice that I italicized it because normal readers would read this as sake, like, "for your sake," kind of sake, and not the Japanese wine kind. It's better to explain these parts as well, just to let everyone know. Those are just few of the things you need to check in your story, since there are more forms strewn across the rest of the chapters.

Characterisation: 1/5

I'm gonna ask a question that's been burning in my head and eating away at my sanity for a while now: what is Issun?

He keeps on being referred to as a bug that had crawled into Sakuya's kimono (what?) and mentioned as this self-proclaimed artist. But what is he? What's his purpose in the story other than being the comic relief and explaining a few stuff to Amaterasu that is still confusing even after the explanation? What are the 13 brush gods? Brush gods? Who are they, and what is their purpose in this story other than to blindly give their power to Amaterasu? What if someone drinks a polyjuice potion and turns into an imitation of Amaterasu? Will the brush gods be able to tell the difference? I just have so many questions about the characters. 

Also, in the prologue, you misspelled Sakuya and turned her into Sakura, and Issun with Issue. (This is a mild turn off because if someone can't even spell their own character right, then it means they've been pretty careless or hadn't reread the thing at all.)

It's also pretty hard to get invested in the characters because they just lack emotions, they lack relatable flaws, and they lack a story. One way to get to know a character is by displaying the minor traits that they have, little by little as you delve into the minds of us readers. Your character is a pervert? Let us see him ogling and leering at almost every girl he encounters! A strict, sophisticated character? His or her words must reflect that.

There are tons of things one can add when making a character plausible, and that is just one of them. There are backstories, unique voices when one jumps and expresses what it feels like to be one or to be with this certain person, and many other strategies to implement the attitude and personality of your character. What I saw was that you simply placed their existence in the story without even explaining to us what they're there for. Your characters are don't have flaws, making them overpowered (OP). 

Let's discuss the existence of the wolf Amaterasu, shall we? In the story, she resembles the previous wolf Shiranui, who had accompanied the hero Nagi and helped defeat the Orochi. (Still, I can't help but think that the sacrifice was in vain because of... well, plot holes. We'll get to that later.)

Amaterasu just healed the villagers who had turned into statues, and made a sun for goodness sake! If that's so, then what was the purpose of the protector Sakuya in the first place? You had placed a limitation on the powers of Sakuya, but at the rate Amaterasu is going, that other woman won't be needed soon enough.

Also, we need to talk about Susano. It's weird that he's the "descendant" of Nagi when it's been like... a hundred years. Cities change and structures crumble down real fast during that time to rebuild something better, but humans have an average lifespan of sixty years, right? Then that means the self-proclaimed 'descendant,' would have to be Nagi's grandson (or great grandson, if you wanna flair it up).

His origin alone is already murky, so I'm not really getting the vibes anymore. Also, I have no idea why Amaterasu even bothered helping the guy just to let his ego get even even bigger if she and Issun were actually concerned as to what would happen! Did a wolf goddess not really think this through? If Susano keeps on believing that he's already strong without knowing that it was all a lie, then that means this might be for the convenient "so it was all just a lie," and the "you lied to me," cliche, which doesn't even justify the character, nor help explain why in the world Amaterasu does the things she do.

If the Amaterasu really does want to see Susano improve, then she has to train him. After all, the wolf is literally a divine being! Or is training not allowed because it's time-consuming? Or can she not bestow part of her powers to others? There's still so much we don't know about her, other than the fact that she can seamlessly complete constellations and single handedly defeat monsters!

Also, also, that random bloom brush god appearing when Amaterasu needed to learn the bloom technique is just so convenient that it's literally deus ex machina. Now I'm wondering why Amaterasu hadn't created some dinosaur-nuking meteor to defeat the villains, then create a barrier in Nippon so that no one would be harmed. I mean, it sounds totally plausible if you take into account how strong she is and how many brush gods there are left. Personally, she doesn't even need to find the others anymore.

Give your characters flaws, weaknesses, doubts. That's what makes them more human, more relatable. Think hard about what you really want them to be, then picture out an imperfect part of them that will ultimately grow into that ideal version you had little by little as they go about their quest. That's how a character is made, and that's how you prevent a character from flopping like a saggy, boring balloon in the end.

Plot: 1/5

Alrighty, let's talk about the plot, shall we?

When it comes to fantasy-related tropes, I believe most of them — take note that I said most, not all — are derived from the idea of otherworldly quests and magic items and defeating this giant monster from ravaging the earth and infecting it with hayfever.

(Please remember that plot and realism are two heavily intertwined categories, for if there is a problem with realism, a plot hole is usually in order.)

Also, I want you to take note that I mentioned some magic items. This is where most of my issues lie. In your prologue, a certain magical item called an Astral pouch falls into the hands... er, paws, of Amaterasu. The pouch is said to take in anything and once it's full and the owner dies the item will open and revive the owner that fed them like some sort of insurance company. This is ridiculously OP. So OP as a matter-of-fact that this might be able to cure our dying-from-pollution-and-garbage planet and answer that question of immortality at the same time. And yes, I'm serious. 

Merely creating this even puts you in a tight spot for possible plot holes and whatnot in the story. It makes it too convenient. Give your characters limits. You didn't put in some sort of condition that will help fulfil the revival prowess of the astral pouch. Does this have no limits at all? Can you just, like, die over and over and revive as long as the bag is full, or is this a one-time use only? How big is this pouch? Can't I just stuff some random garbage and rocks in it until it's full so I can have an extra life every time I decide to fight recklessly? Can I put this pouch on one of the Orochi's head and let it swallow the monster?

What if the character is dead? How will this astral pouch revive it? What if the head is missing? What if the villains sliced your character into sushi bits and threw every single slice off to different parts of the world? How will the pouch fix you if your limbs and genitals are so far away from each other? What if Orochi swallowed your character? If the pouch revives that character, won't s/he just stay stuck in the Orochi's tummy, waiting to be digested into mush? What if your character got Thanos-snapped out of existence? Your character can't just pop out of thin air like a newborn baby. Heck, even babies don't pop out of nowhere. This also checks off the realism part of my review, because it is seriously just impossible and that there are so many factors that can puncture a hole in your story.

Also, also, take note that I'm still on the prologue part of the story. The pace is just so fast I don't even remember the characters and places anymore! This may cause the reader to stop and just say, "dude, nope!" when things get too confusing for them to keep up.

The pace on the tale about the former hero Nagi fighting the Orochi is okay (I guess), since that's an old story. What I'm confused about is the fact that you're just suddenly jumping an entire century's worth of world building and, mind you, TONS would change during that time.

Like I said before, the pace was too fast,  and the action sequence tended to be glossed over and I feel like I'm simply reading a black-and-white version of what the story is because it lacked so much emotion. The love interest of Nagi? Just casually throw her name in there because the Orochi needs blood sacrifice! I don't even feel the need to actually want to rescue her, to be honest. Why? It's because I just knew her name. If you had said right from the start that there was a woman rooting for Nagi and that she awaits her return and actually letting a bit of their love for each other show and bloom before knowing that she had been chosen as the sacrifice, then it probably wouldn't be so bland. 

Also, also, also, I wanted to voice out the wolf and her blessing to Nagi's sword. As I mentioned earlier, I was having a hard time remembering the names because they just popped in and out without any context whatsoever. At the very least give them a memorable first impression! That's what makes the characters last longer in the minds of the readers! Anywho, back to the wolf. She howls to the sky and the clouds part and the moonbeam shines down on the sword. Why didn't she do that sooner so she wouldn't have to die? Was that the condition needed to fulfil the moon-blessing spell or something? And did that moonbeam just seriously power up the hero? Wasn't it only the sword that got struck by the moonlight? Wasn't Nagi too weak to stand before? And why was the power of trees and moonbeam lazer not told to us beforehand? I believe this is critically significant because there's just so much one ought to fill in when you're world building.

I'm almost past thirty chapters myself and I haven't even come close to fully describing one kingdom, and only managing to outline the other destination just recently. (Or maybe that's just how slow I am, but still *shrugs*) I won't expect anyone to be of similar pace though, because we all have our own style when writing, but I think what you need is finding the goldilocks zone that will both match the speed of your pace and your writing. You can't just throw stuff at us expecting we'll swallow them and understand right away. You, as the author, know all about your world, but we the readers have no idea. So instead of just leaving tons of gaps that make us feel like an amnesiac patient or give so much information it makes us nauseous, try to balance it both out by adding in some bits of depth and personality into your characters, as well as adding in the culture, the society, the religion, or currency in a subtle manner.

Realism: 0.5/5

I believe I've made my point on the plot section of the review (and the rest of the categories I had previously discussed), but I'm going to go past my woes in the prologue and explore the other parts of your world.

Let's start with what had gotten one of my pet peeves to go on a rampage. In Chapter One, Amaterasu saves the villagers who had turned into statues after they came back from that mission that had happened on the entirety of the prologue. (Prologues don't work that way, I assure you.)

Okay, back to the topic. Chapter One is when they return from their mission and find that the protection Sakuya casted on the village wasn't enough. And yet... all it took was Amaterasu making a sun to "spark life," into the villagers! And remember that the doggo isn't even at full power yet. This seems quite OP. 

Another one is the part where this village elder — the one with the orange head, I believe — came to this highest point of the village (wherever that is) when he had just been turned to stone. Mind you, people would seriously be confused at first before they start to try and piece things out together. If the guy was actually the village elder, wouldn't he actually try to help or get caught up in the confusion of the people he's taking care of? He should do that, because, after all, he's the village elder. Him just standing around and not saying anything at all while Amaterasu battles those monsters single-handedly did nothing to elevate the situation at all. 

There's actually more, but as you can see I've already jumped past three thousand words, and the situations all feel the same along the later chapters, and I'll end up being redundant.

I know that this story is fantasy, but a person just can't ignore the laws of physics (well, I guess we can ignore that one bit if we're flying and stuff), and the law that is supposed to bind us into reality, and not just some one-sided fantasy without any real struggles or any real threats. How am I supposed to get my blood pumping with excitement if I know from the very beginning that there wouldn't be any risks because the main character is so powerful? If I had known that from the beginning, then I wouldn't waste my time with it.

Focus on creating your world. Start with how you will limit the powers of your brush gods and your items and your main protagonist. Nippon is still there.

OVERALL SCORE: 6.5/25

Hey there... sorry I ended up kinda, um, blowtorching your story. I know that you worked hard on it, and I know that I probably sound like such a fake person, apologizing like this when I felt like I've done so much damage. Not gonna deny, this is a little much, especially when you've spent so much hours toiling on this, but I believe I was being honest with you, and I believed that what I had pointed out back there were objective topics that will be helpful in your future journey as a writer.

Thank you for letting me review your work, and keep writing!