Title: Heir of Cinders

Authors: VeryBigMess & Fiona_jessie

Reviewer: NathanRound

Summary: 4/5

So many great things happening with your summary. You give us a brief history of the events that have transpired in this fictional world's past, and you introduce the main plot as well as the conflicts at hand. I really love the quotes; it connects your reader to the narrative perfectly. One thing in your summary that I'd like to focus on however, is the shift from the past to present tense within your summary.

"The embers fade, and the Day of the Lightless shall be upon us."

For the longest time, a lonely continent shrouded by Mist was all the nine races of Jordarys ever knew.

They knew the Mist was to be feared. Those who were swallowed by the Mist were never seen again. The Mist birthed terrible monsters that rose from the seas, plaguing their land. The gods bestowed the inhabitants of Jordarys with a gift, the Primeval Flames, to fight the scourge of the Mist for as long as they have.

However, the flames are dwindling. The inevitable day where the embers sputter and die is encroaching upon them with every rising and setting of the sun. When that day comes, the Mist shall swallow this last remaining bastion of the world whole. Not all would stand idle as the storm brews. The fate of Jordarys teeters perilously in the balance as everyone, from monarchs to assassins to scholars and warriors, fights for their survival.

"For only the heir of cinders will inherit the world when the embers finally fade."

Now traditionally, summaries are written in the present tense. It appears that you ran into some trouble in keeping to one tense when writing your summary. Below is an example of what your summary should look like in the present tense:

"The embers fade, and the Day of the Lightless shall be upon us."

A lonely island, surrounded by the Mist, is all the nine races of Jordarys know.

They know of the Mist; it is feared by all, as those who are swallowed by it are never to seen again. And to make matters worse, terrible monsters –believed to be spawns of the Mist itself- have risen from the seas to plague their land. The Primeval Flames, bestowed to the inhabitants of Joradarys by the gods, are the only reason they have been able to fight the scourge of the Mist for as long as they have.

However, now the flames are dwindling. The inevitable day where the embers sputter and die is encroaching upon them with every rising and setting of the sun. When that day comes, the Mist shall swallow this last remaining bastion of the world whole. Not all will stand idle as the storm brews. The fate of Jordarys teeters perilously in the balance as everyone: from monarchs and assassins, to scholars and warriors, fight for their survival.

"For only the heir of cinders will inherit the world when the embers finally fade."

I tweaked the wording slightly to make it that much neater. You may use this example if you wish. 

Grammar: 4/5

Grammar is incredible! I'm loving the wide variety of punctuation used within your story. It is incredibly professional and I am almost certain you worked very hard to achieve that result. Your work can be read incredibly smoothly, you do not shift from past to present tense which is wonderful to see, and you utilise semicolons beautifully. Well done guys, great job!

There are however, a few small instances where words found their way into your work where they weren't needed, and sometimes the opposite occurred where you simply missed a word or two that the line needed. I do this all the time so don't worry too much about that. I thought that this would be a great opportunity to make these small errors known so you can address them.

The below lines have been taken from the second part of the chapter 'Devil's Chord':

'She opened a wooden cupboard that was nailed to the and began to scrounge around.'

I believe this line is missing the word wall. It should be:

'She opened a wooden cupboard that was nailed to the wall and began to scrounge around.'

Now the second example, again, is only a small error.

'The racket caused the all of the bar's patron to turn their gazes towards them, stillness falling over them like a blanket of snow.'

Quick note, I love the simile used in this sentence, but you don't need the 'the' within this sentence.

'The racket caused all of the bar's patron to turn their gazes towards them, stillness falling over them like a blanket of snow.'

Another example, found in the chapter 'The Cold Bites' has a similar error.

'Had she could feel her arms underneath the throbbing sensation that was only a few inches away from numbing her nerves...'

I believe the 'had' at the beginning of this line isn't needed.

The last thing I'd like to touch upon is a line from the chapter 'Embers Fade.' The line is as follows:

'A smile lit up his mother's normally –cantankerous face- the first he'd seen throughout the day.'

Now the hyphens used in this line serve a similar purpose to that of parentheses. They are often used to contain further thoughts or qualifying remarks. However, I believe it is used incorrectly in this sentence as it only contains half a thought. I'll provide two alternatives you could use. Here they are:

'A smile lit up his mother's normally cantankerous face, the first he'd seen throughout the day.'

'A smile lit up his mother's face -which was usually cantankerous- the first he'd seen throughout the day.'

Writing Style: 5/5

I absolutely adore your writing style. Everything from your descriptive writing, the flow of your narrative, to the dialogue itself is purely phenomenal. You guys never gloss over anything, you take your time to flesh out the world and the creatures and characters that inhabit. You both have a truly amazing imagination, and the lengths you have gone through to create such a world is truly inspiring.

I love how you submerse the reader into this fantasy world. You have thought of everything in great detail, from the worlds currency; to the races, their languages, cultures and religions. Your work is incredibly professional and I can actually see it becoming a paid story here on Wattpad in the future. And despite the fact that this novel is a collaborative piece, both writing styles blend perfectly together. I truly admire the lengths you have gone to in creating such a beautiful and all-round spectacular story. And although I haven't finished it in its entirety, i will be sticking round to indulge on the rest of your story as well as the future novels in the series. Well done!

Plot + Uniqueness: 5/5

The plot is astounding! I love all the elements it contains: the theme of impending doom as the characters worst fears come true, the character arch's that weave their way throughout your story, and the various settings and creatures that inhabit the world. You guys succeed very well at immersing your audience within your fictional world. And although I have not finished your story, I do intend on continuing to do so.

Character Building: 5/5

Now your character building is superb. All of your characters are unique, they have their own diverse voices and personalities and I love how you guys take your time in fleshing out every character that appears in your story. Having multiple protagonists is sometimes a challenge for writers, but you guys handle it beautifully. Your dialogue is so fluid and natural; it's truly immersive and fits the world your story is set in (teach me!).

The way their thoughts seep into the writing is a nice touch, along with all the unique points of view.

Even your side characters have incredible depth, I especially loved the chipmunk that Faisuri brought the whistles from. Oh, and the way one whistle was used as an insult later on was incredibly clever. I can tell that you guys know all your characters well, hats off to you both! 

OVERALL SCORE: 23/25

I'd like to let you both know that so far, no one has requested a review for a book that has me as hooked as yours. It is incredibly professional, unique and amazingly awesome. I can definitely see your work gaining the recognition it deserves in the near future, just keep working hard and I assure you it will happen.