Title: Traffic Lights

Author: black0spiderx

Reviewer: GryffindorsLoneWolf

Summary: 3/5

You've got suspense and a reason for the reader to get intrigued about what's going on.

However, I'd suggest rewriting it a bit.

When a girl comes to the city to get better schooling, how can she foresee being thrown into a chaotic environment? Where the differences between black and white isn't all clear, where traffic lights give mixed signals and where the motives for superheroes and supervillains blend together? There's no place for a small spider in such an environment is there?

Just a little twist. I love the quotes you've got in brackets, but I'd suggest leaving the location in the story for the readers to figure out.

Grammar: 1/5

You're missing commas in areas where there's descriptions, not capitalizing words that should be and have misspelled words.

Within the first chapter, the first paragraph contains these kinds of errors. Here's my suggestion for this area:

Y/N woke up on a rainy Saturday in Queens, New York. It was the first day after she'd moved in with her aunt and uncle; her parents had decided it'd be a good idea to send her to live with them. Apparently, the schools in New York were better than in Pennsylvania, and they wanted to give her a better education. An A-grader, she had good grades in most subjects except for Physics; she'd never gotten the hang of it.

New York was home to the famous school, Midtown, where she would be going after break was done. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, she thought. Internships were easier to get in the Big Apple after all.

Big Apple is a nickname for New York City. Misspellings and minor mistakes like not capitalizing proper nouns and days should be avoided as much as possible. The best way to combat these is to write in Microsoft Word, or another word document processor, like Google Drive. There're many grammar sites that help with commas and semicolons and how to effectively use them. I feel like you were missing some when it came to describing things.

I'll speak about splitting your paragraphs in the writing style section.

When it comes to dialogue tags, use a comma if you're adding something like 'he said, or she said'.

I'll use an example from your story:

**Okay sweetie, I'll be asking you some questions about you, your family and some common knowledge stuff. It's just a test," the doctor said.** I don't know of doctors explicitly telling a patient 'I don't think you remember stuff, so here's a test', that's why I omitted that part.

One last thing...don't use numbers in the story, unless it's a crucial point in the story. Say it's 'two in the afternoon' not '2 in the afternoon'.

Character Building: 2/5

Okay, she's smitten with Spiderman. Can't blame her. He's a sweetie.

But I absolutely could not see the characters. I think it's harder to do when it's an insert yourself story, but what about Peter Parker? Did she not notice his eye colors when he accidentally messed up his greeting? Or his tousled up, dorky hair?

Or he could be your own made up Peter Parker with jet black hair and a wicked grin.

There's so much you could do with him and the story surroundings, but the lack of descriptions of the surroundings and the characters causes the story to fall flat for me.

Writing Style: 1/5

It feels really redundant. I'll use a paragraph I found:

**Absentmindedly she traced the lines of the poster until the doorbell rang. She got up and went to the door. When she opened the door, she immediately regretted her decision te wear comfortable clothes, because right before her stood a pretty cute boy.**

Grammar wise, there should be a comma after 'Absentmindedly'. To shouldn't be misspelled (go over your writing!) All the awesome great writers do so :D

We get that the door rang. The normal response would check who's at the door (or in the case of your story, go to the door and open.) If you're repeating several words in adjacent sentences, see if you can play with vocabulary. I'm not saying to find a difficult word for door, just maybe replacing it with it.

Time skips I have trouble judging, cause I'm not a huge fan of writers just blatantly writing it in (it doesn't look proper to do so either). What I'd suggest, if you have to put in a time skip, use a page breaker, as I call them (~~~ or -----).

Some areas feel rushed. If there's a fight, let it play out. Describe to us what's going on. There weren't many descriptions of the characters, like Peter Parker? I understand most people know who he is, but describe him as Y/N is seeing him. She's got an attraction to the guy. Saying he's pretty cute doesn't hit as well as describing the dimple in his cheek when he awkwardly smiles at her or how there's a twinkle in his eye when he sees her.

Always play it up. What'd they talk about? Weren't there any interesting points in the discussion? Maybe she drops that she got injured while Spiderman was saving people and he gets shocked?

I've also noticed that there's some areas where it looks like you didn't hit the enter button properly. It makes the story look a little disorganized.

You suddenly switch from the third person POV (he said, Y/N said) to the first person POV (You said). I'd suggest sticking to one POV for the entire story.

Finally, you might want to split up the longer paragraphs. I feel like your sentence lengths are pretty similar, and breaking up paragraphs could help break up the redundancy.

Plot + Originality: 2/5

Unique? Definitely. I haven't seen a story like this, where you 'add' your name in. But the lack of descriptions, grammar errors and quick plot makes this a hard read. I'd suggest going to an editor to help you point things out (a lot better than a reviewer like me could!)

I think the plot is okay, a little cliché, but you've got a great setup for the characters. Play with it.

OVERALL SCORE: 9/25