Title: Winglet - Coyotes

Author: Degal_Heartfang

Reviewer: icecreamtherapy

Thank you for requesting a review from me! The focus of this review will be on Character Building and Writing Style.

Summary: 4/5

To start off, I love that your summary provides generous detail about our main characters, highlighting their unique circumstances and drawing readers in with the urge to find out more. Nicely done!

At the same time, there are a few ways to better your summary. You could provide readers with a more complete overview by introducing the setting of your story. This can be achieved with a brief description, or a mention of the name of the city/country in which it takes place.

In addition, the more coherent the summary, the more effective it is as a hook. Let's look at this sentence: Being in line for being one of the most dangerous gang leaders, Aureus faces trouble like no other.

It's a bit awkward to repeat "being", so you could improve the flow of this sentence by rewriting it as such: And being set to inherit the position of one of the most dangerous gang leaders means that Aureus faces trouble like no other.

Also, "trouble" used in this context suggests danger, which doesn't quite represent the activities described in the following paragraph. Consider this phrasing instead: ...means that Aureus doesn't get to grow up like the ordinary Dragonet.

From the second paragraph: ...one or two dragonets his dad drug home for him to play with. In this case, "drug" is used incorrectly. The past tense of "drag" is "dragged", but since your summary begins in the present tense, the word used in this sentence should be "drags". On the same note, "until he met her" should be written as "until he meets her". Keep an eye out for such errors when editing!

Grammar: 2.5/5

There's no doubt that you're a good writer, but the coherence of your story has unfortunately been compromised by multiple grammar mistakes. Since this is not a focal point of the review. I'll just touch on some of the more major / commonly-made errors and keep this section short.

Prologue: large city of Yucca City → large city of Yucca (unnecessary to repeat "city")

Each step he took forward, she took back → For every step he took forward, she took one step back (improved clarity)

Chapter 1: ...said a MudWing, his scrawny body seemed strange for his kind. → ...said a MudWing, his body unusually scrawny for his kind. (improved fluency)

Mom and dad much really not like that idea → Mom and Dad don't seem to like that idea much (more coherent)

Take note of these common misspellings:

- "knob" as "nob"

- "breathe" as "breath"

- "idiot" as "idoit"

When editing, comb through your work more carefully to pick up on such typos and less obvious errors like those related to punctuation. Also, reading your work out loud may help you identify areas where you can improve the fluency of your language.

Character Building: 4.5/5

Your characters are beautifully constructed. Both Hare and Aureus made a deep impression on me from their first appearance, which I absolutely love.

For Hare, it was her fiery and excitable personality. I chuckled when she cursed, "Camel spit!" Also, her young age is consistently and accurately displayed through her behaviour, such as her childlike jealousy of Caracal, her heavy dependence on her parents, and even her thought process. This is a clear representation of how thorough you have been in creating your characters, so well done!

Furthermore, I really appreciate how Hare's albinism alienates her from others, and reinforces her deep-seated desire to be accepted and loved. This lines up perfectly with her unsteady family dynamics to create motive — in this case, reuniting her parents, and later on, proving to society that she is worthy of acceptance.

As for Aureus, we learn that he feels small when his father yells, even if it's not at him. We know that while he has been groomed to take over as the merciless leader of the Coyotes, Aureus cannot accept the cruel practices he is expected to continue.

It might be because by nature, he is more peace-loving — and this very fundamental part of him is a cause of friction between him and his family members. By combining all these elements, you have set up both internal and external conflict for Aureus, complexifying his character wonderfully.

Not to forget: I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Ivory is a deaf. Representation in terms of disability is often overlooked in novels, so thank you for Ivory. I hope the rest of your characters are also developed just as well throughout the rest of the novel.

Writing Style: 3.5/5

Setting: You can afford to provide lengthier descriptions of setting, eg. of the weather / terrain / time of day / surrounding sights, sounds, smells. This will give readers a stronger sense of when and where a scene is taking place, and your story will engage them more deeply.

Chapter 3: Where is Camel Spider hosting the people who have come to see him? How large is the room? How is it furnished? How does this reinforce Spider's dominating presence and authority as gang leader? These are all questions I had while reading this chapter.

Setting can also be very useful in building atmosphere and amplifying characters' emotions. For example, in chapter 1 where Aureus witnesses the murder of another dragon. His feelings of discomfort could be reflected by the use of setting. Perhaps in that moment, the sun was scorching hot, or the air felt too thick to breathe comfortably.

Worldbuilding: What is the name of the country that your story is set in? What are gangs, and why does tension exist between them? Is there any sort of government in this land? If so, how does that come into play with the gangs' illicit activities?

Worldbuilding is the backbone of any fantasy story. It may be because this fanfic takes place in an already existing universe that you tend to overlook worldbuilding details when writing. As with any fantasy story, it is crucial that you flesh out the details of your world, whether well-known / obvious to the reader or not.

Syntax: Hare's family was okay on money / her room was an alright size. These are both grammatically sound, but you could vary your syntax for more colour. Hare's family earned enough to live comfortably, for example.

Tone: (from chapter 2) ...her father was an assassin as she said previously. This is quite the bomb to drop on the reader. Hare's tone is surprisingly casual, and this arouses curiosity. It's a great opportunity for you to offer a bit of insight into why she feels this way about her father's occupation, and establish a bit of her family's history at the same time. (How did he come to be an assassin?)

Plot + Originalilty: 3/5

Transitions: There is nothing in particular that I'd like to point out as of now, but take note of this for future chapters: you're alternating between two perspectives, so make sure the reader can switch channels easily when a new chapter begins. Another reason why it's crucial that time and place are well established.

Realism: (beginning of chapter 4) What happened to Hare after the end of chapter 2? At this point, it might be helpful to throw in a bit of information, such as a brief description of her stay at the station. Did Hare cry herself to bed, or suffer from nightmares? Did she manage to fall asleep at all?

She has just lost her father in a traumatic accident, right after she thought her family would be reunited, and her mother and sister are missing. Realistically, Hare would be grieving deeply, and likely still be in some form of shock. You could improve this chapter by making Hare's state of mind more believable. Make her thoughts and actions reflect her pain. For example, by repeatedly bringing up the loss of her family — which would be the only thing on her mind during that period of time.

OVERALL SCORE: 17.5/25

Language needs careful editing. Worldbuilding and setting could be fleshed out more. Characters are brilliant. I enjoyed your book much more than I thought I would, given that I know nothing about this fandom. It's full of potential, and I can't wait for the rest of the story to unfold!